Did he create an emotional "set-up?"

[pinkpeony]

When my exuBPD boyfriend and I met (online), we had tons of written communication that was fun, informative, flirty, serious, you name it, we covered it.  However, out of nowhere in one email, he asked me if I thought I was argumentative, because he could "just sense it."  We hadn't met in person and had not spoken on the phone yet, at all.  I was surprised and kind of hurt by this.  I told him I didn't think so, but he told me I should keep it in the back of my mind, because he didn't like to argue.

Once we actually got together, he told me I did not take responsibility for things that were clearly my fault, and that I needed to do this if I wanted our relationship to work.  From then on, each time we had an argument, it was my fault because I was argumentative and refused to take responsibility... .

When we'd have problems, he would give me the angry silent treatment for days, pushing past me in the kitchen, jerking his arm away if i tried to touch him, and then suddenly wake me up in the middle of the night begging me to stop treating him this way.  One thing that still bugs me is him saying "You've got to stop this behavior!  I have never had a woman not talk to me because of an argument.  You have to be able to communicate to work out our problems.  If something is my fault, I won't hesitate to admit it and apologize so we can move on.  You HAVE to learn to do this, babe."

I know that once I recognized the absurdity of our cycles, I did clam up.  I knew better than to try to talk things out.  But I see several traits of BPD in his behavior.  He knows nothing of BPD and would never admit there was something going on with him. 

When he first called me argumentative, was he creating a "no-fault" situation for himself in advance?  I think he knew from past relationships exactly what was going to happen, although he says all his past relationships just "didn't work out".   I feel set-up in a way.

Knowing what I know now, I believe he created this method of sidestepping in advance over the years, in anticipation of what he knows will happen due to his inability to sustain emotional intimacy. 

This illness is so amazingly complicated; it seems so unjust that he can figure out how to do this, but not be capable of doing exactly what he was "instructing" me to do to begin with.

Your thoughts?

[momtara]

Somebody said something here recently that resonated with me: "Every accusation is really a confession."

He probably said that to you because HE is argumentative, and it has caused problems in past relationships.  So yes, he was probably projecting and it's quite a good way for him to never take responsibility when his behavior causes conflict.

I avoided conflict with my BPD husband like the plague, but considering the things he said and did, it was impossible to avoid it.  Then he'd say I was "yelling" when I wasn't.  Also, he told me his ex gf had a "temper."  Now I know she probably did not.  Anyone would have a temper when dealing with a person like this!

It's really invalidating for you to always be blamed for his problems.  But that's what he did - set it up so that he's never at fault.  May not have been totally conscious by him.  On one level he probably knows that he is the cause of these problems in relationships, but he can't come to terms with it or change - until something forces him to, someday.

[danley]

Wow... .

I had to chuckle when I read the part about your ex accusing you of yelling when you weren't. I experienced the same thing. I could be whispering but hed say i was yelling. It was all a ploy for him to take the heat off of himself and blame me for something, no matter how ridiculous it was. Sometimes my ex would walk out on a disagreement and say the craziest things. He'd say stuff like don't follow me to my ball game and make a scene there. Or he'd say don't make a scene where the neighbors would hear us. Or he'd say don't block my car in to keep me here. First of all, I've never done any of those things and they've never crossed my mind. I don't believe in airing dirty laundry in the open. I have never been to any of his ball games, was never invited, and honestly didn't want to sit in the hot sun watching a bunch of guys play. Secondly, my neighbors were not home and they are several feet away from my door and I'm not the type to chase someone down if they choose to walk out. And lastly, I would not physically get up and move my car to a stall completely out of my way to block him in. I don't have time and would never play those kinds of childish games. Why he even conjured up those insane things is beyond me.

I'm sure it was a set up in the case here on this thread. He needed to have an escape route for something he knew he would eventually end up doing it. And by laying the ground rules he basically feels he has given you fare warning. It is terrible to be blamed for someone else's issues. Just because they throw it at you doesn't mean it's yours to keep and deal with. But in their mind it's a relief to not have to own it at any cost or collateral damage it creates.

I believe it's all projection and paranoia. I believe that quote is spot on... . every accusation is really a confession. It leaves you scratching your head. Just remember that their disordered thought process is what's in play. Don't get sucked in to the madness.

[Jonie]

When I got together with my pwBPD, he suggested to have an 'open relationship', which I immediately declined: I certainly didn't want that for myself, nor for him. For months he kept on suggesting it, saying that it was what I wanted.

Later on, I came to realise that whenever he accused me of doing/saying/thinking/wanting something he did not approve - while that was the farthest thing from my mind - that it was actually something HE did/want/thought, of that he just FEARED that I would do/say/want that.

Hmm... must sound a bit cryptic, hope you'll understand.

So, whenever I got the feeling "Huh? Where is this coming from?", it helped me to understand HIS fears and anxieties better.

But it doesn't help with the manipulation part. Consciously or unconsciously, he regularly maneuvered me into a situation where he knew I had to draw a boundary, so that he could get angry with me for doing so and throw me out (we were not living together).

 Often, he would try to make an argument, yelling that it is his house and he can say what he wants; that I don't respect his opinion; that he always knew that we we are too different; that we should end it right here... . etc. What worked best, was to avoid the argument, saying that I don't want to discuss it this way and just go to bed. But I always lay awake for a long time, being annoyed that he clearly likes to spoil a nice evening. And for what reason? Setting us up, indeed!

[danley]

When I got together with my pwBPD, he suggested to have an 'open relationship', which I immediately declined: I certainly didn't want that for myself, nor for him. For months he kept on suggesting it, saying that it was what I wanted.

Later on, I came to realise that whenever he accused me of doing/saying/thinking/wanting something he did not approve - while that was the farthest thing from my mind - that it was actually something HE did/want/thought, of that he just FEARED that I would do/say/want that.

Hmm... must sound a bit cryptic, hope you'll understand.

So, whenever I got the feeling "Huh? Where is this coming from?", it helped me to understand HIS fears and anxieties better.

My ex would suggest fantasies that I would not budge on. I would say that it was fine for him to have fantasies but he needed to see that fantasies remained fantasy and honestly most fantasies don't become reality. But to him it was something he needed to do... . needed to experience because he felt he missed out on a lot of exploration while married to his wife for 15 years. I noticed when emotional attachment had grown, he got panicky. So i assume he also felt a sense of engulfment. He suggested that we date other people because it would strengthen our relationship.  Seriously? I felt offended that he'd think I was stupid to fall for that kind of disordered thought. He asked how would I feel if someone asked to sleep with him and he'd say yes. I turned it on him and asked him the same question except me being the one who was being asked to sleep with by someone else. He didn't like it and got upset but somehow it would be OK for him?

I believe he had a lot of ideas and wants that he knew was not the everyday norm but yet he wanted to see how far I'd go. And let me tell you, I did venture into some things that I'm not most excited about sharing. But it was like it was never enough. He needed to take things to a higher level to get an even bigger high and rush. One time i agreed to go along just to see what the hype was about. He acted grateful and concerned about keeping me comfortable. He would tell me that it was up to me and my comfort level and he appreciated me sharing his fantasy and that he would understand if i wanted to stop at any point. But the thing that made me see how self centered he was about exploration was that when I did participate to a limited degree, he got pouty and angered that I didn't give 100% and he said that he didn't enjoy himself because I wasn't willing to go past my personal boundaries. So all of a sudden now I get blamed for ruining his sexual fantasy because I said I met my limits and felt uncomfortable. All of a sudden I was a Debbie Downer for not going all the way and I ruined his night. He ignored me all night and the next day. He tried to argue with projection and deflection and gaslighting. He told me he was dissapointed in me and it was all my fault because i didnt participate the way he wanted. I tried to tell him if he even had the slightest bit of appreciation that i even agreed to go along for some of it. But nope, the conversation would redirect to being my fault. I told him he was selfish and didn't care about my comfort level and just cared about his own desire to get off on this type of high. He said he told me what he wanted and that he told me how he felt, said I didn't have a problem when the subject was first brought up. ... . again, he was implying that he had laid down the ground rules or had set up his rules in his head. But yet he forgets how he also told me that he understood if i didnt feel comfortable. I still feel traumatized when I think about it... . sorry for the vent.

My point was supposed to be that yes, they definitely set up ground rules and scenarios so that they can fall back on them and have a get out of jail free card. If they mention something off the wall it probably means that's what is on their mind. And when they finally go thru with whatever it is, they can turn around and say to you... . "Why are you acting so surprised? We talked about this before, remember? ". And this is where they feel they don't need to own any wrong doings because in their mind you've been warned and in their sick mind it's as tho you actually gave some kind of secret green light to them to proceed full steam ahead.

OK. I'll get off my soap box... .

Whew!