For those of you who think their lives are great after you, think again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't post on this great site anymore, but it was a tremendous help to me after splitting with my BPDexgf in January 2011. I was almost left a broken shell of a man after the horrific things she subjected me to for the 10 months I was with her. Anyway, she moved on to a new guy 2 weeks later, and she made out on FB as though she had finally found the one and how amazing her life was... . while I felt like chopped liver.

I've healed very well from that r/s, but today I decided to google her out of curiosity and I came across a blog of hers, and discovered that her life has been hell since she got with the guy who she says was the love of her life. She said that within 3 weeks they fell madly in love with eachother (typical BPD thinking for you), but beyond that things turned very ugly indeed, as he was still in love with his ex. She also revealed that she was bullied in her job for 18 months, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (the docs have clearly got that wrong) and had to claim sickness benefits; she has been a total unrelenting bhit to my replacement because of her psychosis; been suffering terrible family problems, and also mentioned that there's been a host of other things that she was not been willing to go into (god only knows what they could be); and she was asking people's opinions on open relationships  

Oh and there was brief mention of me. She said that I loved everything about her, but was suffocating her and I was also a bum. Charming!  

She said that she could reveal these things on that blog as she felt no one knew her. So, folks, while you're going through pain and anguish by buying into the illusions they present on facebook, remember, it is just a facade, so don't buy into any of it. They are still the same people as when you were with them, and their lives don't ever change.

[push pull]

I don't post on this great site anymore, but it was a tremendous help to me after splitting with my BPDexgf in January 2011. I was almost left a broken shell of a man after the horrific things she subjected me to for the 10 months I was with her. Anyway, she moved on to a new guy 2 weeks later, and she made out on FB as though she had finally found the one and how amazing her life was... . while I felt like chopped liver.

I've healed very well from that r/s, but today I decided to google her out of curiosity and I came across a blog of hers, and discovered that her life has been hell since she got with the guy who she says was the love of her life. She said that within 3 weeks they fell madly in love with eachother (typical BPD thinking for you), but beyond that things turned very ugly indeed, as he was still in love with his ex. She also revealed that she was bullied in her job for 18 months, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (the docs have clearly got that wrong) and had to claim sickness benefits; she has been a total unrelenting bhit to my replacement because of her psychosis; been suffering terrible family problems, and also mentioned that there's been a host of other things that she was not been willing to go into (god only knows what they could be); and she was asking people's opinions on open relationships  

Oh and there was brief mention of me. She said that I loved everything about her, but was suffocating her and I was also a bum. Charming!  

She said that she could reveal these things on that blog as she felt no one knew her. So, folks, while you're going through pain and anguish by buying into the illusions they present on facebook, remember, it is just a facade, so don't buy into any of it. They are still the same people as when you were with them, and their lives don't ever change.

[Octoberfest]

You are right, I think many of us hope for some kind of validation that their new relationships do not work out... . Thinking perhaps that it will prove that it was not us, but them.

I will admit to DESPERATELY wanting to hear and see my BPDex's new relationship fall apart. As time goes on however, I find that I care less and less... . partly because I know in my heart that it will... . and if it doesn't, it will not be a happy or healthy relationship, just like my relationship with her was not happy or healthy.

I kind of feel like it is placing a bet on whether or not the sun will rise again after it sets... . I mean, there are several hours where you might start to question yourself, but ultimately you KNOW what is going to happen.

I think you also start to care less once you shift focus away from them and back onto yourself... . once you start living life for yourself again, instead of for them or for "us".

Thanks for sharing... . I think no matter how far I get into the healing process however, I will still get some satisfaction, even if just a little, should I hear that her new relationship sunk as well.

[willtimeheal]

I will be honest I do want to hear she is unhappy and her new relationship sucks. From when she has text me she has said she does not love him but maybe she could learn. That he was  there for her and didn't make her feel bad when things were rough. Imagine that... . having someone uproot there life when you have no feelings for them but you need them to stroke your ego. I do feel bad for the guy. He is head over heels in love with her and she is trying to learn to love  him. But then I think he dug his own grave you don't quit your job and move 600 miles after knowing someone for two weeks and spending 2 weekends with them. High school was 20 years ago. People change. You date first and then make major decisions like moving. She will tell me she is unhappy and he is not me. But I have to remember who is telling me these things. She hasn't been honest from the start. So who knows what she is telling him.  I can't wait for the day when I don't care anymore. It can't get here fast enough.  Hurry up!

[Perfidy]

I believe in the true spirit of healing. My exBPDgf is a lowlife bottom feeding pond dwelling scum sucker. And that's just her good points. However, I hope the best for her. And this is hard. Why should I carry my hate anger and resentment around with me. I forgive her. Not because I accept her treachery but because I want peace in my life. I hope she gets the help she needs. I hope she can stop using meth for good. I hope she has found a man that will meet her needs better than I could. I hope the best for her and I hope the best for me.

[Octoberfest]

I will be honest I do want to hear she is unhappy and her new relationship sucks. From when she has text me she has said she does not love him but maybe she could learn. That he was  there for her and didn't make her feel bad when things were rough. Imagine that... . having someone uproot there life when you have no feelings for them but you need them to stroke your ego. I do feel bad for the guy. He is head over heels in love with her and she is trying to learn to love  him. But then I think he dug his own grave you don't quit your job and move 600 miles after knowing someone for two weeks and spending 2 weekends with them. High school was 20 years ago. People change. You date first and then make major decisions like moving. She will tell me she is unhappy and he is not me. But I have to remember who is telling me these things. She hasn't been honest from the start. So who knows what she is telling him.  I can't wait for the day when I don't care anymore. It can't get here fast enough.  Hurry up!

This idea is one that has always fascinated me and struck me as one of the more obvious "backwards" ways of thinking that many pwBPD have. When I would catch my BPDex dating another guy at the same time as she was dating me and break things off with her, she would go and cling desperately to the new guy.  I would even get into contact with him and share with him what she had been doing, send him proof in the way of text messages, etc, and she would come up with the most elaborate lies to convince him I was crazy and lying about all of it.  Later on we would talk and when she would say how much she missed me and how she hadn't wanted things to end up the way they did, that she would rather it was me she was with, and I would ask her why she was with the new guy if that was how she felt... . she would reply, "he wants to be with me.".  I would ask do you even like him? do you love him? and she would come back with "I could learn to"... .

It honestly seems to me like she didn't believe she had control over she would end up with, like she was not the one making the CHOICES that led to whatever result. The idea of being with someone only because THEY liked you, being able to admit that you would have to WORK to get to like them back, just strikes me as so backwards and so wrong... . it makes me want to ask "what the hell are you doing?"... .

The flaming ferris wheel spins... .

[Iamdizzy]

Yes I agree. You could say my BPDex and I were the "perfect" couple, I am in no way a hardcore narcissistic person but I know I am good looking and she's absolutely beautiful. Everyone would comment on our pics "omg your babies will be so beautiful!" She really made things seem on fb and to others that we are a match made in heaven. When we broke up my own close friends and some family members  could not believe what I was telling them. It's all a facade. If I was another person and I saw my relationship with her on Facebook or whatever, I'd think oh man these guys are madly in love. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

[causticdork]

I can completely relate to the confusion over who they wind up with.  When my ex and I were still together and happy we were talking about our "types" and the sort of people we dated before.  She told me she wasn't really sure what her type was because she'd never been the one to ask anyone out.  I told her that she still had to kind of have a type, since she said yes to some people who asked her out and she was attracted to them enough to date them, and she seemed really confused.  Like it hadn't occurred to her that there were reasons outside of, "They liked me enough to ask me out" for going out with someone. 

After we broke up she immediately got with someone else, was "madly in love" with him after three weeks, but kept sleeping with me and saying I was the one she really loved up until I cut her off and said we had to stop being around each other since we always wound up in bed together.  When we were still talking I told her once that I didn't really feel like the love of her life, since she replaced me and was in love with someone new so quickly, but she acted like she had nothing to do with the new relationship having happened.  HE asked her out. HE fell for her.  HE wanted to be together.  It was like she thought she was just along for the ride and if he wanted her then she had to be with him, since I had broken up with her and told her we weren't getting back together.

It's a part of the BPD mentality that I'm really fascinated and confused by.  Do they really not understand that partner selection is about more than just latching on to anyone who has feelings for you?  Because she seemed like I was genuinely presenting her with brand new ideas that had never occurred to her when I mentioned that she had an equal say in her dating partners, even if the partners were always the ones that asked her out. 

[push pull]

Yes, guys, rest assured, that their lives don't ever change for the better. The truth eventually rears it's ugly head indeed. In fact, I sort of pity her because the only relationships that will have any longevity for her, are abusive ones.

 

This is the truth for all borderlines, no matter what they would have you and everyone else believe.

[Perfidy]

I read somewhere that pwBPD search for stable people who can rescue them. Care take them. And be used by them to the fullest. Vulnerability.  They are predatory by nature. This was very much the case with my BPDexgf. I had just bought a new home. I was fresh out of a relationship. I was at the highest level of my career. I had an excellent income. She tricked me with the whole victim/wounded bird behavior. She started stealing my stuff. She completely disrespected all that is me. I wanted to end it and not look back. She was an abuser. She abused everything. She physically abused me. She abused drugs. She abused my bank accounts. I bought all of her lies about not ever doing it again and wanting to get off drugs. She didn't work one single day while she was with me. Lasted almost eight years. Uff da!

[push pull]

Yes, perfidy, my ex turned out to be a heavy drug user (coke, crack coke and acid) and alcohol dependent. In that blog of hers, I also read that she'd been taking mind altering hallucinogens in a quest for spiritual enlightenment. No doubt these substances have screwed her psyche up ten-fold, and, I hate to say it, but that girl will be confined within a psyche ward within a years time. I have no doubt about it.

[Perfidy]

How long did you stick it out?

[push pull]

Ten months. After that relationship I was wasted... . depressed and anxiety ridden for many months afterwards, but gradually I started to pull myself together. I'm just glad that all of the pain is now a distant memory.

[Perfidy]

Four months three weeks ago it ended for me. I'm still mostly in the fog

[danley]

I don't hope my ex and his new relationship fail... . but I also don't go around with pom poms in hand cheering for it to be a success. I just know it's not in my control and I would be wasting precious energy on something that I can't control. So I choose to block it out as best I can.

I don't think he is life is so great after me. In fact, I KNOW it's not. He may be dating someone new but his life is upside down right now. He spent tons of money on a divorce that put him in the red every month. He feels it's unfair and so he's been spending more money to try and get his decree changed before it gets signed. He gets his kids on the weekends and a third day every other week. At first i thought his first concern was quality time wiyh the kids but now im beginning to wonder if its all about saving money on child support if he has them over X amouny of days he gets to slash a few hundred dollars off. I hope its not true that hes thi king of money first, but it sure does sound like it now. . He says he needs to move out of his condo because he won't be able to afford it. Hes thinking he will have to move in with his parents. He made a clause where he said he would pay for private school tuition, which he now sees he won't be able to afford. He has to retire soon and is looking for ways to prolong his employment. He is worried about that and he is truly getting cut throat in his thoughts and ideas to getting a promotion.  He says his lifestyle his kids are used to will be changed dramatically and he won't be able to buy things or go out. I feel for him but honestly it's a humbling experience that will show him the true value of living a simple life.

And to add to all the financial and custodial hardships, he has shown signs of physical unwellness. He could go on a mini vacation with the bags that he has under his eyes now. He yarns all day and dozes off from fatigue. He has begun to chew his nails off to the point of bleeding. He has the occasional mood swing but had kept it under control with me. I don't know how he's managing to do so but I'm glad he is. He has lost a lot of hair and I see patches of baldness. He has gained some weight. He said he has a hard time sleeping because his mind is always racing and thinking about his future and what he should do. He has not made reference to harming himself physically but I'm pretty sure he soothes himself with other wreckless and selfish impulsive acts and behavior.  He also has stopped doing some of the activities that he used to find enjoyable... . activities that he would make sure to attend yearly. I was shocked. He said he just didnt feel like going and wanted to stay in. Also, he has stopped doing some things that we used to enjoy together... . one thing was going to concerts. A huge concert came up and were had talked about going together before were broken up. After the concert had happened I asked if he went. He said no and asked me if I had gone. I said no. But if I HAD gone, I'd probably not even bring up the subject.

So in a nutshell my ex is not in a good place physically and financially. I think mentally and emotionally we ALL know that he is suffering like many of others exes or S/O. I don't know completely about where he is socially. He has told me a few weeks ago that he is dating someone but doesn't know if dating is the right thing to be doing. He said he doesn't even know if it was right to even date this person. But what I do know is that in a mean sort of way, I feel relieved that he can take his frustrations out on someone else. I imagine that if we were still together right now, it would be a nightmare. I feel this is one positive about our relationship ending at the time it did. Can you imagine the pain and fatigue I'd feel from having him use me as a punching bag 24/7 with all that's been happening to him lately? I was always supportive but what he's going thru is ten times anything we had gone thru while together.  On the flip side, I do wonder if this new person he's dating will stick thru the madness be the one to save him.

My ex is not living a grand life... . different life with same scenario but different antes/stakes and a new player. He came into our relationship with fears, guilt, and shame from his marriage and he left our relationship with his fears, guilt, and shame snowballing to out of control. He is now the proud owner of a huge ball of emotional mess that he lugs around and into whatever new relationship he may be in. His life isn't better after the breakup... . it's worse. I hope he finds the courage and strength to go back and start the healing process from the beginning instead of covering up one mistake with an even bigger one... . all the while hurting himself and others along the way.

[TheDude]

On the flip side, I do wonder if this new person he's dating will stick thru the madness be the one to save him.

Nope.

Only he can save himself, just as the rest of us can only save ourselves.

Personally, I find no value whatsoever in the knowledge that my ex continues to careen through life like an emotional Ricochet Rabbit. Actually, I don't know that to be the specific case at this time, but after 4 substantial breaks I'd say it's a pretty obvious assumption. If I were forced to have an opinion about it at all, I hope she does figure it all out and finally finds real health and happiness, whether it's with me or not.

[snappafcw]

I don't post on this great site anymore, but it was a tremendous help to me after splitting with my BPDexgf in January 2011. I was almost left a broken shell of a man after the horrific things she subjected me to for the 10 months I was with her. Anyway, she moved on to a new guy 2 weeks later, and she made out on FB as though she had finally found the one and how amazing her life was... . while I felt like chopped liver.

I've healed very well from that r/s, but today I decided to google her out of curiosity and I came across a blog of hers, and discovered that her life has been hell since she got with the guy who she says was the love of her life. She said that within 3 weeks they fell madly in love with eachother (typical BPD thinking for you), but beyond that things turned very ugly indeed, as he was still in love with his ex. She also revealed that she was bullied in her job for 18 months, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (the docs have clearly got that wrong) and had to claim sickness benefits; she has been a total unrelenting bhit to my replacement because of her psychosis; been suffering terrible family problems, and also mentioned that there's been a host of other things that she was not been willing to go into (god only knows what they could be); and she was asking people's opinions on open relationships  

Oh and there was brief mention of me. She said that I loved everything about her, but was suffocating her and I was also a bum. Charming!  

She said that she could reveal these things on that blog as she felt no one knew her. So, folks, while you're going through pain and anguish by buying into the illusions they present on facebook, remember, it is just a facade, so don't buy into any of it. They are still the same people as when you were with them, and their lives don't ever change.

Thank you so much for this post. My Ex girlfriend didn't do a blog but this is her 100% and she made a point of saying I'm a bum probably just because I didn't have bucket loads of money at the time but I still spoilt her and paid for everything regardless. She never ever went without by being with me and the selfishness still bewilders me.

[slop]

Oh yeah - they will never be "doing well", ever.

My BPDex, was dating some one in just a couple weeks after tossing me aside, but who knows what happened there, because she got a DUI within just a month, then a 2nd DUI a few months after that, which got he thrown in jail for a month, which made her lose her job, and she had to move in with her mother after getting out.

Thank God I'm not tangled to that mess anymore!