Is this recycling? And why?

[draft]

Break up almost a year ago. Total NC, until ex had a family member passing away. Some phone chat for two weeks. Then NC for another 4 months. All done by the book.

Suddenly ex's friend start posting FB pictures and comments. There's something almost every day. Including the ex with some new.  Since it's been so long I don't take it as harsh as I would have had in the beginning. But it's still a scar from the past.

Am I being too suspicious here? Is this recycleing? And why? I keep asking myself why I bother. But that's a different story.

[TheDude]

No, I think the official term for this is "Facebook Nonsense".

Recycling refers to actually attempting a reconciliation of the relationship.

[Moonie75]

I don't think you're making much sense. Why would you think it's a recycle attempt if the pics are of ex & another partner.

And 'comments' could direct you into or away from thinking its a recycle attemp depending on what the comments are. "I f***ing hate my ex bf" is a comment. And so is "I love my ex & miss him".

[Octoberfest]

One thing to be wary of is pwBPD's ability to be manipulative; they are MASTERS at it, because given the way they live their lives, they HAVE to be.  Everything is about getting validation and a sense of worth from others; that means pleasing them, or at the very least, making them believe that they are pleased.

Going forward, if my ex were to somehow get back into contact with me (I have her blocked in every conceivable form of communication), I am going to be EXTREMELY wary of what she has to say and what she does.  She knows me inside and out and knows how to elicit a response. 

They know how to push our buttons, how to make us feel one way or another... . it is unnerving for sure. 

It is hard to say what exactly your BPDex is up to.  I don't even pretend to understand how they think.

[Scout99]

Here is what makes me wonder:

1. Picture and comments are sometimes direct quotes of things I've said or done. It's a bit spooky.

2. I know when we had a relationship my ex tried to post things to me my predecessor jealous. That was over a year after they've broken up and I refused to let our relationship to have any connection to the previous one

3. My ex has never tried to reconcile by fixing things, only by making me jealous. Ex did the same thing during the relationship.

Hope it makes more sense now.

Hi draft!

Whatever thing that happens to us during NC that either breaks the silence or reminds us of the past usually feels very disruptive, for lack of a better word... . And I am sorry for the fact that you are going through that right now, and get that you are feeling worried about this. The smallest things can still upset me a lot when it comes to my old NPD ex, it only takes like a phone call from a mutual friend or other to warn me off about him coming to town, (he is an avid crossfit trainer, and takes courses sometimes at a gym on my street that train crossfit instructors... . ) since the last thing I want is to have to risk bumping into him out of the blue on the street... . Not that I think it would really matter now years down the line, but still it does upset my feelings and bring back a lot of unwanted memories... .

I still am a bit fuzzy on what it is exactly that has happened here for you, it might be obvious to you since this facebook thing you talk about is a behavior pattern that you recognize from the past, and the fact previous recycling attempts as you say have been initiated through jealousy of some sort... .

But would you like to maybe explain it too us in a bit more detail, since there might be some unusual aspects about this that could be better understood from an outside perspective with a bit more explanation about what kind of pictures this friend of your ex puts out on facebook. How exactly they relate to you, like are you on the picture or is it just commentary about the pictures that relates to you? And if so, in what way?

I guess since you have seen this behavior before, you have no problem in understanding the fine print in this. But for me as an outsider there are a few things I don't get... .

1. How does that work that a "friend" of your ex post things on her? page, but somehow being orchestrated by your ex? (I mean why involve a friend, and what is this friends role, and how do you know this is your ex operating through her friend, since you two are in NC)?

2. Could you give us an example of what kind of pictures are posted and how they specifically relate o you, (just to avoid confusion about something that is of course crystal clear to you, and to increase possibility that someone here might relate to it and recognize it from their experience too?

I guess I wonder especially about how the commentary relates to you and/or how this friend of your ex is operating here, like why she would post commentaries made by you in the past to a new picture of your ex wit her new bf? Like I said, I think the core is in the details here, and I need to understand them better, or it makes no sense to me... .

3. What about the jealousy? You write that your ex always have used jealousy to get you to come back or instigate a recycling period. How so? From my perspective jealousy is highly unattractive, so that would be a bad way to get me on the hook, but I probably don't understand the circumstances... .  So if you are willing, please help me understand better how that plays out... .

4. If this turns out to be indeed an attempt to recycle your r/s, what are your feelings about that? Is it something you may want happen or are you more worried about keeping your stance?

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Draft,

     I get where you're coming from with suspecting manipulation at least, if not something more.  There is often a lot of testing of whether you're 'on the line' with them and a lot of manipulation to get you where they want you -- I'm going through both right now-- but it may have nothing to do with recycling at all.  They need to validate themselves and do a lot of other stuff that truly has nothing to do with you.  I wouldn't worry about it as a recycle.  Be happy you don't have to face that right now and keep getting stronger in your relationship with yourself.  Eventually it won't matter at all what the pwBPD is doing or planning (if anything, really).  I call this looking at them like a fish in a bowl.  You see it, but it's pretty alien to you and certainly has no emotional impact.

LT

[draft]

Thank You LT,

I might over analyze things. It's been a long NC and hopefully this was something that didn't have anything with me to do. Last attempt my ex got burned. Perhaps the lesson was learned.

[Aussie0zborn]

Why not block that Facebook connection just for good measure?

[Phoenix.Rising]

Why not block that Facebook connection just for good measure?

That is what I did.  Otherwise, it is just an 'open' connection apt to cause me pain.  Why do I want more pain?

[draft]

Why not block that Facebook connection just for good measure?

That is what I did.  Otherwise, it is just an 'open' connection apt to cause me pain.  Why do I want more pain?

Don't really feel I need to. Not now. In the beginning, absolutely.

Yes, it affects me and I think it's more curiosity/boredom/loneliness. One year without seeing the ex. Who wouldn't be curious?

But was it pain? No, not really. I'm not THAT disturbed by it any more. I guess it's a good ticket that time does make a little difference if you let it.

I got more confirmation, that it's probably a recycle attempt. I'm going to let this melt for a few days before I think too much about it and will be passive.

[GreenMango]

Draft it doesn't sound like she's making Amy attempts to contact you outright. It does sound like she's in a new relationship and posting tho.

Monitoring her Facebook reading into the intent of her posts shows emotional interest on your part.  She could interpret your keeping tabs on her as interest or a recycle attempt.  Do you want to try again with her?

Recycling goes both ways.  Sometimes them sometimes us, but not every exposure to the person is a recycling attempt.

From a survey on post break up communication there were the following reasons for the interaction. 



Do any of these seem like what is going on?

[draft]

I think I'm being too unclear here. I don't have my ex on FB. I cut that 2s after break-up and have not seen it in a year. And not asked once to see it. Mostly to avoid mind games.

We have common friends. I'm for sure not blocking them.

No, I dont want a relationship with my ex. I'm not going through that chaos again.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Part of me still wants to spend time with ex, but then I remember the chaos you mentioned.  What was the chaos like, if you don't mind me asking, Draft?

For me, I noticed I was living in a state of almost constant anxiety.  I was walking on eggshells.  I couldn't decide whether to reach out to her or not.  I felt like no matter what I said or did, it was not the right thing for her.  I was losing myself in the relationship.  I was constantly trying to please her.  My boundaries were deteriorating.  I was addicted to her and the relationship.

[draft]

Part of me still wants to spend time with ex, but then I remember the chaos you mentioned.  What was the chaos like, if you don't mind me asking, Draft?

For me, I noticed I was living in a state of almost constant anxiety.  I was walking on eggshells.  I couldn't decide whether to reach out to her or not.  I felt like no matter what I said or did, it was not the right thing for her.  I was losing myself in the relationship.  I was constantly trying to please her.  My boundaries were deteriorating.  I was addicted to her and the relationship.

Nothing worked. Sleep, work, eat, house, friends, family, you name it. But worst thing is when noticing that, trying harder doesn't lead parter to try harder. It leads to more "demands" and more misery and eventually asking yourself: Is it worth it?

I wouldn't be surprised if you feel similarities to what I felt.

And for the record. My original question is starting to answer itself. I'm getting approached in real life and I'm guessing I'm probably soon going to get my boundaries tested.

[goldylamont]

My earlier experience was that my ex wanted to use our relationship to smear it in the face of the previous partner. This was through their common friends and everything was through "innocent" channels and always indirect. So it couldn't be directly accused. Sort of a "Ha! Look at me now".

I know BPD is complex and what might be interpreted as a smear, could just as well be something else like coping. Or something completely different. And this is my question. Why?

Wow--I don't know how/if my ex used me in the same way for the guy before me, but I definitely know that my ex uses men to punish and smear her previous lovers (me included). It's pure calculated manipulation and I catch flack sometimes here for calling this out.

Many cannot see their BPDso in any way being manipulative, or will never admit that these people are capable of being aware of being manipulative. My case was just different. I verified it in a variety of ways (happy to share), and also by chance my ex actually admitted that she was a really manipulative person (though she completely denied being jealous in any way, hah!).

My thoughts on the BPD patented facebook smear tirade is that when a pwBPD goes into "hater" mode and paints you black, that's when all the Narcissistic traits come out in all its splendid glory. This includes attempting to hurt you by showing off to your friends about how great they are and how great their new love is. This includes using their new love as a prop which they can promptly throw away and smear once they've served the purpose of bolstering their ego (whilst attempting to crush yours). I just see it as narcissism.

Post breakup, exBPD seemed happiest and the most stable when she was using someone as a tool to hurt another. I know it's sadistic but I think it's the reality of the situation. I had a mutual friend mention they had chatted with my ex a while ago, and they said "actually she seemed really happy. she was dating this one guy and it really didn't work out but now she's dating his friend and seems really happy." hah, i bet you she's on top of the world now that she can use another guys good friend as punishment. good god i'm glad i'm out

[GreenMango]

I'm probably soon going to get my boundaries tested.

This could happen.  Boundary busting is 60% of these interactions.

What are your boundaries around this?  

[draft]

Gold.

I think the worst thing is that they don't see what they are doing themselves. As you can imagine, it seems as a repetitive process and eventually leaves the BPD without friends and lovers. So eventually they and up abandoned

Mango,

My boundaries comes from me and not a certain person. I was in a relationship, because of my free will. So I can't really blame my ex for this. I left it and what my ex does is of really no concern of mine. And to be honest, I don't really care... Rather hope my ex is doing good and healthy things?

[GreenMango]

Let's be honest here there's a little bit of concern - at the very least for your boundaries being tested. 

Do you feel vulnerable if she does come around testing your boundaries? (PS its okay to feel this way - many members do especially if this whole thing is fresh and they aren't indifferent to the person yet)

[draft]

To be honest, my original question was "Is it?" And "Why?". Simply because I thought others have experience, thoughts and insight to share.  And as I've seen it, it's turned into why I belive it could be recycling and what I feel about it. Not what I asked or intended it to be. But I don't mind answering.

But there seems to be an issue where my answer are not accepted and some implying that I'm not being honest. Perhaps you could ellaborate why you think so?

[Moonie75]

Draft,

I would love to give you my answers but you're not really answering questions clearly, and questions being asked are to help people come to a conclusion in order to answer your questions!

Example: you said it's the 15th or something break up & this time you don't want to go back. (That's great). But after 15 break ups THERE WILL BE a pattern won't there!

Does this break up follow the pattern or is it remarkably different?

Did it end with different dynamics to the other break ups?

Did you end it for the first time (instead of her), giving her the greater need to regain control of THIS break up?

If you want questions answering about "why?" or "is it?", explain if there's a pattern to the 15 break up/make ups. If yes, what's the pattern or 'form' she has for starting the recycles?

If this break up doesn't follow the pattern explain what made it different, that could cause her to react differently?

[Phoenix.Rising]

"Is it?"  No one can answer that except your ex.  Daft, I think what others are getting at is how can you take care of yourself it this is the case...

"Why?"  Again, if the ex tries to recycle, we can't read her mind.  If she has BPD, it may be because she feels empty inside and has a 'need' to reconnect to feel 'ok'.  But this will only be a temporary feeling for her.

My ex recycled me and then devalued me again, and it was getting more and more painful each time.

pwBPD do not have a stable sense of self, so they are looking outside of themselves to feel complete.  To be honest here, I think a lot of Nons do the same thing, but maybe to a lesser degree.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Draft,

     I totally get where you're coming from.  It is so hard to try to understand what is going on in the disturbed mind of a pwBPD, but it seems really important.  I actually posted a very similar question on another board two days ago and got some reasonable guesses that helped me a little.  The frustration we're both feeling about not being able to get th answers is not  (I think) with the kind folks here as it is with trying to understand the 'logic' of a disturbed mind.  Heck, sane(ish) minds like mine -- and maybe yours, are hard enough for us to grasp.  The truth is, I believe, that the pwBPD doesn't know herself what they are doing and why they are doing it.

     I won't bore you with my story on this, but I too have felt rather worried about an attempt by her to recycle.  It would be ahugh disaster for me as we wrok together and being painted black even a little would end my career here.  Here's the thing I realized, though.  These folks don't recycle us... . ever.  We "nons" are 100% responsible for the recycling thing.  The pwBPD may call, text, lie, scream or even threaten suicide to get us back, but no force on Earth can make us go back if we decide not to.  They actually have no say in the matter at all.

     Now, I also used to say (I try always to be completely honest -- a weakness of mine!) that the basis of my fear of her trying to recycle was that my resolve to stay away would melt like a pat of butter in a hot fry pan if she looked at me with those blue eyes and said the right words. So, you see how the questions and answers here might tend toward getting to exactly what you truly feel.  The dishonesty isn't between you and what you say, it's actually the risk that the conscious mind that you are in touch with and use to write here and the subconscious mind that usually has a very different opinion about whether to stay (it wants everything exactly as it was in the idealization phase -- logic be damned) aren't on the same page.  It takes a lot of work to get those two to be reconciled and that usually means a long time.

     So, in summary: I don't know why 'my' pwBPD did what she did and I never will.  I also don't really know fully what I feel about 'her' recycling attempt, if there was/is one.  Do I secrety (subconsciously) want her back?  If I really want her not to try to recycle me, why would I fear it so much?  Like all good questions, there are no simple answers.  If there were, you'd have already figured this all out a long time ago, as would the rest of us in our individual circumstances.

LT

[Lao Tzu]

Oh, BTW... . this cr@p sucks, doesn't it?  It sucks to be me fairly regularly, but less and less as time goes by and my understanding of myself (and , to a much lesser degree, BPD) increases.  Hang in there,  We're all working for each other here.

LT

[goldylamont]

Gold.

I think the worst thing is that they don't see what they are doing themselves. As you can imagine, it seems as a repetitive process and eventually leaves the BPD without friends and lovers. So eventually they and up abandoned

well, in my humble opinion, i feel that they absolutely do see what they are doing. they know it's not "right" by others standards, so they've learned to use lies and manipulation to cover their tracks. while i do agree they see things from a different perspective, as they feel completely justified in doing what they do, they obviously seem fully aware of how their actions hurt others--actually, that's the point of what they are doing much of the time, purposefully trying to hurt others. it may be ingrained behavior, but it doesn't mean that they aren't aware of it. if they weren't aware they wouldn't be so adept at pulling off the whole charade, over and over again, think about it

[TheDude]

draft - forgive me if I'm missing something here, but is there any specific reason to believe that your ex actually orchestrated this friend to post these things, and with the intention of it reaching you? If not, have you considered that this is just an eventuality of insisting on staying connected to her friends?

[draft]

I think we can close this thread as most of the questions are becoming repetitive and already answered. I totally understand that going through the whole thread becomes tiresome.

For the record:

No, I don't expect anyone to be able to read minds. (I'm not sure why I would)

No, I don't worry about getting recycled as I'm not interested in a relationship with my ex. (As mentioned several times)

Thank you all for input.