Angry and frustrated

[hardhabit2break]

The feeling of frustration is so intense lately. Frustrated that my uBPD H lives in his delusional world. Thinks that I need to accept the fact that he betrayed me, get over it, move on from here. Frustrated that he he thinks I could continue to share a home with him and we can both live our lives because financially it makes sense.  Thinks that by betraying he only made 1 mistake (is that what they call it these days). Frustrated that he ordered a gift for his new SO  and had it shipped to our home... . and he thinks there is nothing wrong with that. Frustrated that our D17 told me that she saw (I saw it too) that he has a picture as his screensaver on his phone of his girlfriend!  NOW frustrated (and so hurt for my daughter) that he bragged about his "romantic dates" and places they have gone to other people RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!  How in the hell is any of this even acceptable to me, how am I suppose to wrap my head around this!  Of course when she told me what happened, even though I am trying LC, I was so furious that I called him.  Of course he thought this wasn't the appropriate time to call him.  11:30pm while he is at his girlfriends. He thinks this wasn't something I needed to talk about now.  Oh, and he will talk to my daughter about it tomorrow because she must have misunderstood!  He manipulates, lies, deceives, cheats, and just doesn't have the ability to care.  I know all this, I know I can't change him, I know he will do whatever he wants to do, I know I need to stop concentrating on him and concentrate on me, but sometimes it is so frustrating!  Oh and frustrated that divorce is such a nightmare!  

[Octoberfest]

It sounds like hell that you are going through; for that I am truly sorry.  I was blessed enough that I did not marry nor have children with my BPDex. I truly empathize with you; I can't imagine having to continue to live with someone who is behaving as you say. It is inconceivable how they can do these things, how things like respect, loyalty, decency, all of it seem to matter so little to them.

I am sorry again that you are dealing with all of this... . Have you looked into seeing a therapist?

[hardhabit2break]

Thanks Octoberfest

Sometimes venting helps. I have a therapist but am looking for a new one since she doesn't seem to be well trained in this area. Had she been, she may have realized after I have been going to her for about 4 years that I am dealing with a pwBPD. I didn't discover that until just a couple of weeks ago after visiting this site.

It is hard to live this way, but I know the less I interact with my H the better.  Sometimes it is so hard to control my emotional outbursts. He is saying I am the crazy one!

How do I get myself to the point of accepting the fact that he will remain living in our home probably until the divorce is over and the house is sold?  I am trying to get myself to the place of acceptance of that and so much more. But if he was gone from the home it would make some of it easier. He won't take responsibility for any of it.

For now I am using this website (and reading the book "Splitting" and using other resources available to me. As well, I have a good support system; though unless you have been through something like this or have a pwBPD in your life it is hard for even my family and friends to truly understand.  They do support me, love me and hurt for me. Some days all it takes to help me get through the day is some kind words or a hug.

[livednlearned]

I haven't had to deal with N/BPDx having girlfriends, but he did put S12 in the middle, falsely alleging that I left because I had an affair (as though him being an angry, manic, raging, controlling, mean alcoholic wasn't an issue?). And saying things like, "Can I borrow your baseball bat to beat your mother?" Not cool.

One of the best books I read (right after Splitting) is Don't Alienate the Kids, also by Bill Eddy (or maybe it's called Raising Resilient Kids?). It made me realize how much of my own reactions to N/BPDx I was inadvertently modeling for S12. That I couldn't control N/BPDx, but I could control how I reacted, and that was helpful to S12. That, and I started to learn everything I could about validating S12. It was therapeutic, actually. Just saying to S12 "I can hear how sad that makes you." Or, "How did you feel when he said that?"

Not that venting is wrong. Venting is awesome! Just that I had to find a way to protect S12 from N/BPDx's actions and found a way that worked for me. My head is not available for renting 

[ForeverDad]

I have a therapist but am looking for a new one since she doesn't seem to be well trained in this area. Had she been, she may have realized after I have been going to her for about 4 years that I am dealing with a pwBPD. I didn't discover that until just a couple of weeks ago after visiting this site.

I made sure that the first therapist I sought - for marriage counseling - had a degree.  Either she was clueless too or else she didn't want to speak out about what she saw and heard.  My ex had refused joint counseling but did offer to attend and 'support' me as I got therapy.  Well, they stopped that cold, said she couldn't attend if she wasn't doing joint counseling.  So I had 3 sessions before I gave up on the T, she was just listening and getting my 'history' and made NO suggestions or comments about the main problem, my my high conflict spouse and imploding marriage.

However, I do know that often the therapists or counselors sometimes don't identify the disorder, giving it a name sometimes can slip out to the misbehaving person and heighten the conflict.  It can really be perceived by the pwBPD as a blaming accusation and that's one thing pwBPD can't admit, the denial is generally so intense.

That said, four years clueless is unconscionable IMO.

It is hard to live this way, but I know the less I interact with my H the better.  Sometimes it is so hard to control my emotional outbursts. He is saying I am the crazy one!

Been there, lived that.  The closer I got to the end, the worse it got.  I was hit with every disrespectful accusation and curse word in my then-spouse's vocabulary.

How do I get myself to the point of accepting the fact that he will remain living in our home probably until the divorce is over and the house is sold?  I am trying to get myself to the place of acceptance of that and so much more. But if he was gone from the home it would make some of it easier. He won't take responsibility for any of it.

Who told you that?  The lawyer?  If you can get the lawyers and court to recognize the high level of conflict, even if not outright abuse as they see it, then maybe the court will go ahead and get you two separated sooner.

As has been written before... .   Ask and you might receive. Don't ask and you surely won't receive.

If neither of you can afford the house separately, even if he pays you some spousal or child support, then the sooner the house is sold, the better.

[hardhabit2break]

Thank you all for your understanding. I know I need to control my reaction and be a strong support for my D17. I am reading splitting now but will certainly make that my next read.  I have had my days when I am strong and can work on myself and see that I can't change him. Then my anger and frustration with this insane situation kicks in. Then my gentle peacekeeping nature says "hey stand up to this man and tell him how you feel for the first time in 28 years of marriage" and I let loose. I don't want to have this stuff filling my head.  I know my daughters life will be better when he is gone and that keeps me goal oriented

I have spoken to my lawyer again recently and if the court decides he does not have to leave, we are going to move forward with requesting a hearing. Not only is this a hostile environment, his behavior included perverted sadomasochistic online behavior, propositioning woman and who knows what he actually may have done in person. All this was on the home computer (where I found all the evidence)). Sick, sick, sick.  But the pwBPD manipulates and explains it all as a fantasy.

I am trying so hard to be strong and see that some day this will all end.  Also, I was able to go very LC for over a week and was so much better. So that is the route I am determined to take again today.

It helps to see those of you out there who have made it through. It gives me hope!