Advice please. Maintaining NC

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey gang,

Tonight my uBPD-ex-GF is trying to reach me again. I'm struggling to keep a clear head in making the right decision here. Any thoughts or advice, please?

First it was text. Then she called. I didn't answer. She's desperately trying to get me to respond to her by framing it as being worried about me and whether or not I'm in danger. Excerpt from her text: "Just tell me to f*** off. And I will." adding that it's driving her insane. Of course I don't want her to have some panic attack or be a danger to herself. Here's where I stand, it's approaching a month and I'm just beginning to detox from this. I've been sick these past few days, actually.

This is really hard. Of course it hurts to think of her like this. I'm not doing this out of spite. The last time I broke NC, we got back together, things appeared better, then got worse... . more intense mood-swings, and worse fights. (It's this kind of drama that is exactly why I can't be with her or have any kind of contact with her). I'm just concerned that breaking NC this time will put me right back in an emotionally not-so-good place and mess up any progress I've made in detox from 15 months of a highly toxic relationship.

My thought is, I'll continue No-Contact unless she indicates danger to herself. Is this reasonable? Other ideas or words of wisdom or experience? Thanks for any advice or opinions.

[DeRetour]

Hey gang,

Tonight my uBPD-ex-GF is trying to reach me again. I'm struggling to keep a clear head in making the right decision here. Any thoughts or advice, please?

First it was text. Then she called. I didn't answer. She's desperately trying to get me to respond to her by framing it as being worried about me and whether or not I'm in danger. Excerpt from her text: "Just tell me to f*** off. And I will." adding that it's driving her insane. Of course I don't want her to have some panic attack or be a danger to herself. Here's where I stand, it's approaching a month and I'm just beginning to detox from this. I've been sick these past few days, actually.

This is really hard. Of course it hurts to think of her like this. I'm not doing this out of spite. The last time I broke NC, we got back together, things appeared better, then got worse... . more intense mood-swings, and worse fights. (It's this kind of drama that is exactly why I can't be with her or have any kind of contact with her). I'm just concerned that breaking NC this time will put me right back in an emotionally not-so-good place and mess up any progress I've made in detox from 15 months of a highly toxic relationship.

My thought is, I'll continue No-Contact unless she indicates danger to herself. Is this reasonable? Other ideas or words of wisdom or experience? Thanks for any advice or opinions.

[Reg]

DeRetour,

Don't know about you, but in my case my ex has been there many times with the suicide manipulation tool.  She even proposed to commit suicide together ! 

The person who she cheated me with, who was another same sex borderline, did just the same thing over and over again to her.  Even started the car in her own garage, saying that she was at a railway corssing and going to drive under a train (on a day that there were no trains driving due to a union action  ).  She afterwards admitted that ! In reality she is scared as hell from death.

So perhaps the question is, do we actually have to jump back in the pool of blackness because they probably manipulate us again ?

She knows very well that if she is able to make you answer, it gives her a reason to keep texting, or to call you and the cycle just starts again if you don't watch out.

I've decided if my ex would try to get back in my life again, (little chance I think, but one never knows) and comes with that threat again, I immediately call and the police and an ambulance.  If you don't pick up the phone, it will be or text or mail that she will use. So you can proof it.  In my country that also means that she will be forced to talk to a therapist if they take her to the hospital.

To me this kind of behavior has now become equal to blackmail, and I'm not going to accept it.  I'm not going to take any risk either, but I will not have myself sucked into this ___ again.

Reg

[musicfan42]

Isn't there something on the website here about an "extinction burst"? That once you go NC or set boundaries with a borderline, the acting out behavior will initially intensify but then gradually reduce over time. If you stick to NC, then she'll eventually get the message and find some other guy to get with.

[Aussie0zborn]

I admire your sense of responsibility for a fellow human being but no, this is not reasonable. It's a good job you have only wasted 15 months of your life which is better than 15 years.

Your are not responsible for her now just as she has never had any respect for you. If you want to help her, call an ambulance.  She already has the next guy lined up, he just hasn't taken the bait yet and even when he does, she will still be contacting you. I would strongly suggest you quit while you're ahead especially as you say, you have nearly detoxed completely. Good luck.

[causticdork]

I dealt with a lot of this same thing from mine.  I got really good at ignoring her when texted me nasty things or blamed me for walking away from our relationship, but as soon as she started saying she was sorry and worried about me and hurting so much that she didn't  know what to do, that's when I'd respond.  Sometimes it went well for a while.  The last time I had been NC for roughly a week I had received dozens of angry texts and emails, and then a barrage of apologies out of the blue where she begged me to just respond so that we didn't have to end things on such a terrible note.  I absolutely wanted to walk away on better terms, so I responded via text and we had a long text conversation about our relationship and the things we still felt hurt and anger over, and I really thought we got to a good place.  Not a getting back together or being friends place, but an amicable break-up place.

Of course within 24 hours I was back to being painted black.  Not because I did something wrong, but because she told me that her new boyfriend was applying for a job in another state, and that if he got it she was thinking of going with him.  I didn't ask her to stay or anything like that, just asked what sort of job and how she felt about moving away and the sorts of things a friend would ask.  She ended the conversation rather abruptly, and the next day texted me about how I didn't even care that she was leaving.  I told her I cared, but I didn't have any say in the matter.  We broke up and I wished her well wherever she chose to live, but I wouldn't try and influence her decision in either direction. 

That was nine days ago. I've only responded to her contacts about getting some of her things back, but she's sent me several messages attacking my insecurities (which she knows all about because at one point I trusted her completely) and comparing me very unfavorably to the guy she's now seeing.  This is the same person who begged me to talk things out so that we could walk away without all the negativity, and I think she really meant it at the time.  She truly wanted things to be okay with us and for us to not have so much anger at each other, and we had one of the most productive conversations of our entire relationship.  She actually responded to the things I said instead of twisting everything to avoid seeing how she did anything wrong.  And then I didn't beg her to stay the next day when she said she might be moving, and it was all undone.  She is right back to being cold and nasty and blaming me for everything.

I guess what I'm trying to say, in my incredibly long-winded way, is that even if she genuinely does just want to know that you're okay, as soon as you respond and have communication again, it's only a matter of time before she starts laying into you with the guilt and trying to suck you back into the FOG.  I can't even count how many times in our relationship I thought we'd turned a major corner, only to find myself right back where we started within days.  It's exhausting.  It's a f**king treadmill of criticism and frustration, and your best bet is to just stay off of it.

[Learning_curve74]

If you think she will hurt herself, you can maintain NC by calling the police or other appropriate help. That is part of their job's professional duties, it's not your obligation to contact her.

Another thing to consider is that when you two have seemingly reasonable conversations about your relationship, it may be that she is just mirroring you, a natural reaction on her part to try and keep you in her life. As you noticed, sadly it doesn't last.

[Perfidy]

I don't think I could survive in the state that I'm in for another fifteen months. No contact for me means burning the bridge. I am good friends with three of my exes. Could have relations with two of them if we wanted to. Not so with the last one. This bridge will be burned. Do I miss her? Yes. Do I hurt? Yes. Is she good for me? NO! NO! And NO! If she doesn't get the help she needs her exiting the gene pool would be a service to humanity.

[mcc503764]

My advise... .

Don't take the bait... . she's a big girl, she'll find a way of dealing with things... . I'm sure your replacement is around somewhere...

Bottom line, it's NOT your problem anymore.  Responding to her in any manner only continues the cycle.  Don't put yourself through it, it's not worth it and you've come too far!

MCC

[DeRetour]

I’ve read through each and every one of your responses. Thank you all so much for helping put this back in perspective. It’s definitely a process – seems to be a lot like a chemical withdrawal. But, I know I need to stick to NC. A few thoughts…

Reg, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that kind of drama. I'm sure it really sucked. I have to say, sometimes you have to laugh, especially in retrospect. At least that's one thing I am glad to have as well.

Musicfan42, this is definitely seeming like an extinction burst.

Causticdork, sorry you had to deal with that kind of blackmail and push/pull drama.

Perfidy, I’m totally thinking this is what I will need to do, burn that bridge. Then, if she starts stalking, I’ll take the proper action as necessary.

Mcc503764, yes, not my problem anymore.

All of you, I appreciate your advice and vote of confidence. I know each of us is doing what we can to deal with our situations. We have a good board here and we have lives to be building/re-building. I guess it’s just hard when the ex seems to be in agony. Burning the bridge behind me feels like I’m leaving her locked in a room, hearing her scream and plead, left to suffer. But this seems to be the only way I can move forward. I just know if I gave in to any of her contact – even one text – I would want to run, grab her and shield her from all the pain and suffering. And then I’d be right back to square one. No. I need to burn the bridge, stick with NC.

Peace and take care!

[causticdork]

Burning the bridge behind me feels like I’m leaving her locked in a room, hearing her scream and plead, left to suffer. But this seems to be the only way I can move forward. I just know if I gave in to any of her contact – even one text – I would want to run, grab her and shield her from all the pain and suffering.

Be careful of this!

It definitely sounds like you already know you can't save her, but try and also remember (if the temptation to rescue gets too strong) that she's locking herself in that room.  She's screaming and pleading because she wants you to rescue her, NOT because she isn't capable of getting up and opening the door on her own.  She doesn't need rescuing (and you've probably seen how badly it turns out when you do run to her rescue) from anything except herself, and no one but her and a professional therapist can possibly rescue her from that.  She wants to know that you're still around if she needs you, so she creates situations where she she "needs" you to see if you'll be there for her.   You're in the right head-space here.  Just try not to let your rescuing instincts take over. 

[DeRetour]

Causticdork,

Hey. Thanks. I know I'm not alone in having that rescuer instinct. I mentioned it here because, well, it is a struggle.

I love semantics for exactly this reason. Sometimes we say things and it may as well just be some sample or Tumblr re-post. Other times I think there's some insight into how we put things. And this is exactly the kind of thing that my ex hated. She couldn't stand it when I would hear something in the way she put things and I'd ask her to clarify. Why? Because she was smart and probably knew her issues were coming through. Oh well.

It just sucks when she texts me things like, "My hands are shaking. You're making me insane... . " But I can remind myself that I didn't make her this way. She was already a hot mess when I met her. Throughout our relationship, she's had so many situations that have required saving. And then there was always the feeling that she was waiting for the highest bidder, especially if she was texting me to tell me this drama. I shudder to think of this, I don't miss this suspense. It's tempting to get into detail here, but I'll resist. We all have plenty of stories like these with our exes.

But yes, thanks for pointing that out. Oh, in another thread I read your thing about making that list - things your ex did that you couldn't have in a relationship. That's a great idea!

Take care as well.

[Notthesame64]

Your are not responsible for her now just as she has never had any respect for you.

That is so right on the head Aussie!  Wow did that hit home.

   A short story... I broke a picture on the floor after a bout of isolation from him to get attention, he then took all the shard glass and threw it in my side of the bed... didn't blink twice about caring if I would get cut or not and never apologized or cleaned it up... he just went to bed in another room. Then I got so upset and decided to get him back by throwing it on his seat in his car... after 5minutes of cooling off it started to bother me about my reaction... childish, I couldn't stand the thought of him sitting on it and getting even a sliver of glass on his behind... so I cleaned it all up and threw it away... . the point is he never felt bad nor apologized for leaving me with glass in my bed... He had no respect for me nor cared what happened to me by his actions.

If I were you... NC means NC and if you truly want to heal and move on with a healthier life... STICK TO IT!   

[Notthesame64]

Btw, in no shape or form was my behavior acceptable... and it would be very easy for me to say he made me do it!  But in all reality, I was the one who lost my temper instead of handling it maturely. 

[DeRetour]

Notthesame64 and AussieOzborn,

First off, AussieOzborn.

Totally meant to mention this earlier, but thanks for your words of wisdom here.

Notthesame, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. It's so hard not to get sucked into reacting on their level. Of course we take responsibility for ourselves and do what we can to make the mature, responsible decision, but I think sometimes those situations, especially with this kind of attachment, can really tap into that primal place in us. And as a non-BPD, like me, you felt regret and concern for your partner and corrected your mistake. My ex would often approach things in an "I'm getting off on a technicality." kind of manner. Or, she'd completely withdraw and turn it around on me.

Thank you both for sharing. Yes, I will be keeping NC. I might be processing a lot of stuff here on the board, but I won't be giving in to her pull.

Take care of yourselves as well

deRetour

[Notthesame64]

Thank you DeRetour,

Boy we sure don't feel that way after coming off that roller coaster ride do we?  Having our head attached to our shoulders that is... I feel my heart and head have just been discarded in the trash bin and left out to rot...

But again thank you for the compliment! 

[seeking balance]

Unfortunately, this is a "no win" situation.

Option 1

you respond

What this tells her is eventually you will cave in, so next time (there is always a next time) she will go at it even longer.

Option 2

you don't respond and keep reading her texts and keep your own anxiety high

Option 2

decide you are not going to read her texts for the next 48 hours (or however long) and silence your phone.  Gives you some time to get your head out of the impending FOG.  It does, however, put you in touch with more grief.

I am not sure how it was all left - did you ever tell her you were taking a break totally for a while?

My thought is, I'll continue No-Contact unless she indicates danger to herself. Is this reasonable? Other ideas or words of wisdom or experience? Thanks for any advice or opinions.

Very clear here - if she indicates danger, let her know you will call 911 and do it.  You are not trained in dealing with a person who is either suicidal or threatening suicide as a means to an end... . none of us here are - this is something only professionals should handle.

Hang in there,

SB

[fromheeltoheal]

I say you need to act as if your life depends on it, which is does.  How badly do you want your freedom and your health back?  Are you willing to go to any means?  Change your phone number, block her emails and texts, everything?  I had the benefit of being extremely angry at her after her last round of psycho chaos, which helped a lot since I was conflicted like we all were as we detached, plus we lived far from each other so there was no chance she would visit.

So I took that anger and started to focus on how everything was always all about her, everything wrong was my fault, and my wants and needs didn't exist in the relationship, even to me for a while, and I decided that if I didn't take care of me, nobody was going to.  Her emails got blocked, I changed my phone numbers so no calls or texts, I unfriended her on Facebook, cut absolutely every available channel, fueled by rage.  I wouldn't have cared if she killed herself at that point, but later came to realize it was just another attempt at manipulation and she'll survive, she always has, bouncing from one chaotic relationship to the next.

Good luck man, and how bad do you want it?  Focus on the fact that you may be saving your own life, think Jodi Arias.  Good luck!

[cylec]

If she doesn't get the help she needs her exiting the gene pool would be a service to humanity.

Perf,

I am not ashamed to admit it, but I couldn't agree with you more on that statement right there.

[DeRetour]

SB -

Thanks for your helpful thoughts and insights. I really appreciate it. Yeah, my ex has selective hearing - my words on NC have not registered one iota. This kind of thing happened all the time in our relationship. I suspect you know what I mean when I say this, yes? I used to just dismiss this as - oh, she'll come around eventually.   But now, at this point, going back to clarify this with her will only backfire. Any interaction with her (hell, a blank text even) is an invitation to her manipulation. If I give in and reply to her desperate complaint of how I'm: "breaking her heart... . [she has] nothing to look forward to anymore... . " she'll take my pity and turn it around on me. And based on her track record, it's never in a way that I've expected. I'd like to think that there's hope here. Evolution gave us humans the ability to learn from our mistakes. So if I need to act from that rational part of my brain and not give in to her desperate cry or my rescuer instinct, then that's what I need to do - self control.

Heeltoheal -

I say you need to act as if your life depends on it, which is does.  How badly do you want your freedom and your health back?  Are you willing to go to any means?  Change your phone number, block her emails and texts, everything?

Thanks Heeltoheal, You speak from experience as well. I respect that everyone has different needs and expectations in a relationship. But, at this point, I want to be healthy. I am a firm believer that the physical and emotional influence one another. I would rather approach my life as an optimist and encourage good health to follow. This girl always considered herself a "realist". That would have always been our mythologies: "Yeah, he's a dreamer. I'm more of the realist... " haha. And it's her "realism" that drove all this push and pull ___ in the first place. I could go on and on about the ways she thought negatively, but then what would that make me?

cyclec - I saw the quote. You know, it makes me shudder to think of what life would have been like had we had a child together. That was one way she kept me though, throughout our relationship. She knows how badly I want to have a family of my own. I have to keep hope that I still will.

Thank you all for your well-though-out advice and feedback. My god I don't know what I'd do otherwise. Be in a much worse mess, that's what. Stay strong! I'll do the same with this whole NC business. I know I'm not alone in this particular choice. So yes, I'll be posting more later and getting to some of your posts here as well. Okay, take good care. More later.

[fromheeltoheal]

And it's her "realism" that drove all this push and pull ___ in the first place.

If she is truly BPD or exhibits traits, it's the disorder that is driving the push/pull; there are no winners there, except the disorder.

Evolution gave us humans the ability to learn from our mistakes. So if I need to act from that rational part of my brain and not give in to her desperate cry or my rescuer instinct, then that's what I need to do - self control.

Yes, rational thought and self control are required here.  The challenge I had was she got very deep in my psyche with the criticism, complaints, manipulations; it felt like she had taken all of the things I told her during the idealization phase, when I was completely open, honest and vulnerable, and used it against me later, in her efforts at total control.  It seemed malicious, although I learned later she was doing everything she possibly could to survive; the disorder is a living hell for her.

So for me anger was the good news, kind of a wake up call borne out of rage, and when I got angry it gave me a sense of self control I hadn't felt in a long time, and gave me the strength to break free.  Kudos to you if you can retain your self control throughout the craziness, that is definitely the higher road, and these boards can probably help with that; power to you!

[mcc503764]

[/quote]
Yes, rational thought and self control are required here.  The challenge I had was she got very deep in my psyche with the criticism, complaints, manipulations; it felt like she had taken all of the things I told her during the idealization phase, when I was completely open, honest and vulnerable, and used it against me later, in her efforts at total control.  It seemed malicious, although I learned later she was doing everything she possibly could to survive; the disorder is a living hell for her.[/quote]
Do we have the same x?  My x is a therapist which only made things 3000x harder for me.  I could see if they couldn't help it, or didn't know any better, but mine knew better!

Not only would she do all of the BPD behaviors, but she could then turn around and project onto me some clinical term for what was wrong with me and how I was acting?

Talk about a contradiction and the circular nature of those conversations... . talk about spending the past 4 years of my life questioning MY own sanity?

To the outside world, she was a prof therapist, but behind closed doors she threw the jabs, pulled the strings and pushed me to act out at times.  Then, she would appear to the real world (family / friends) as the "victim" of the situation... . which ultimately justified her leaving 2 kids and myself behind... .

thanks Bhit... . there is a special place in hell for you!

MCC

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, getting pissed is part of the recovery, and oh boy did I, but that's waning now, and I'm able to look at it more objectively.  These stories are all very similar, the disorder leaves clues, but think about how it causes people with it to live.  Whether they're being intentionally malicious or not, whether they are in so much pain that they lash out continually or they're just doing the best they can to get through the day, can you imagine living like that?  Their behavior ends up pissing people off and chasing them away, when abandonment is their biggest fear, and there is no way to have a truly loving, intimate relationship when you're constantly treating people like that; they are cold and alone, and will stay there forever.  Sad.  I've developed compassion for mine, as I witnessed the death of my naivety and learned the lessons I needed, and the slightly bruised, wiser new me is developing much fuller relationships with people in general since my time in hell, so thanks BPD, and one day may you find peace.

[DeRetour]

MCC,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here too! Question - what were you quoting in the second part of your posting? But, yes you mentioned how your ex used things you said during the idealization time against you later? Funny thing about my ex - she often accused me of taking things she said and using them as ammunition. I don't remember specifics, but it really gave me a glimpse at how sad and chaotic her reality is, that at any minute everything could just crumble. And no, my ex was not a therapist. In fact, she was well-steeped in her family's view that therapy (or getting any kind of help for a problem) was a sign of weakness - only for "crazy" people who have no focus or self-control. But, she did have a way of really turning things around and making others look like they're in the wrong - she's had a falling out with 4 separate friends - I mean they're completely out of her life. And it was always about how she didn't take ___ from anyone. For that same reason, she almost cut ties with her younger brother for something ___ty, but not warranting something that extreme. Still, she always seemed to be accepted as well-functioning, a good leader, funny, and creative by so many people. One thing I will not miss is how she kept her friendships so compartmentalized. That was something I had major issues with. But yes, it's sad how she has this self-fulfilling prophecy, "People give up on me eventually." and here I am, planning to never talk to her again. Hm.

Heeltoheal,

Good to read your post as well. I'm glad to read that you're developing fuller relationships with people. It gives me hope to read things like this. Honestly, when I think of dating, I just get so overwhelmed and discouraged.

Yes, it's certainly a struggle, doing the whole NC thing. I feel all of these emotions - anger, sorrow, pity, fear of being alone, deep sadness - and I'm so exhausted physically. I do apologize if I get a bit ranty or wordy. All this nervous, unsettled energy has to be transmuted somehow. I'll try and keep these posts more focused and helpful for readers. Thanks for your all your support and advice. I'll be reading more posts later!

Take care!

deRetour

[LoneWolf768]

DeRetour, NC is probably the most difficult part of the recovery. After the obsessing, analyzing, over analyzing, crying and confusion segue into letting go and understanding we'll never get any rationale answers or answers in general, it's at this point that we MUST learn to control the situation by not getting entangled in it. I posted on another board what my therapist told me about NC: "Giving into NC is like giving a bird ONE birdseed. The bird will always want more." I've read testimonials from people who were 120 days into NC, responded to their ex BPD'er, and it was as if they went back in time to Day 1. Another person responded to their BPD'er and after an hour, they sent another text. An hour later, another one. This pattern kept repeating itself until the person realized, after a half a dozen texts, they were sitting their, waiting for a response that would never come. The objective of the ex BPD'er was fulfilled: they knew how fast their ex would respond and how often. Bottom line with both these recovering individuals? They went completely backwards in their recovery. PLEASE don't fall for an emergency your ex BPD'er will claim to have. It'll pass. As far as the suicide text, the mindset you had to avoid contacting her and going right tho the police is, in my humble opinion the correct way to handle that. She may hate you for it but you'll sleep better knowing you did something about it without directly communicating with her.

I've written on a couple other boards that, in my humble opinion, I've layed the groundwork for my ex BPD'er to NEVER even think about wanting to contact me let alone follow thru with it. I came at her with ALL guns-a-blazin' and attacked her from all angles. I showed NO mercy but I gave her all the facts. She told a mutual friend I was sick, was a borderline stalker, was emotionally and verbally abusive and wanted this friend to stay away from me "for her own protection". She utilized the method of "projection" to make herself look like the poor, innocent victim who did NOTHING to warrant such treatment. That, and last month, she told a close friend of mine she'd go to the police if I didn't leave her and her friends alone. She sent me an IM saying the same thing, except she told me she DID go to the police. These threats were peppered with F BOmbs. SO CLASSY! Is she bluffing? With NO proof, what could the police do? A huge, huge, mess that should NEVER have gotten to that point. She would be COMPLETELY out of her mind to attempt contact with me. So for all intents and purposes, I'm in a safe place (I think).


Notthesame64, I know exactly how you feel. I, too, let my anger get the best of me A LOT and, as you and others have said, it lends credence to the BPD'ers claims that we're crazy, have anger issues, are mean and will always be mean, etc. and while you were big enough to say that it was you who let it happen when you could've pinned it all on him, you showed you maturity right there. My ex BPD'er would totally wind me up and play the game of hanging up on me, not answer her phone, not return texts, etc. and then an hour later say "Wow, you really ARE bi-polar!" which I suffer from a mild case of it, which is to say I don't suffer with the extreme highs and lows. She never could see my side of it when I, step by step, broke down how the argument started. It was a play-by-play and she would just say "Me? Oh no. Your bi-polar caused YOU to get that angry! You better up your dosage!" So she did three things here: 1. She started with me, knew what buttons to push, wouldn't back down until I was screaming like a maniac, 2. Denied ANY and ALL wrongdoing and 3. She used my bi-polar illness against me, which I found thoroughly repulsive. She would start these ridiculous fights over Facebook posts or someone she thought wanted me, maybe I didn't have my phone on while she was trying to contact me which would always have her thinking the worst (she did have the home phone # but would NEVER use it ("Why should I call your home phone when you have a cell phone?" *** ARE YOU SERIOUS?* and claim it was my illness that was the culprit, which is deflecting the blame back on me. Typical BPD behavior. Start drama, fan the flames and then act like they just came out of a trance.

Since then, I've been reading my books ("Co-Dependent No More" and "I Hate You... . Don't Leave Me: Understanding The Borderline Personality" in order to develop routines and train my thoughts to NOT get sucked back into someone's attempts at fighting and mind games. I have to do something to show I'm in control of my emotions and won't give any else the satisfaction of A) getting under my skin and B) they won't have a reason to think I'm what they think I am.

[mcc503764]

Your bi-polar caused YOU to get that angry! You better up your dosage!" claim it was my illness that was the culprit, which is deflecting the blame back on me. Typical BPD behavior. Start drama, fan the flames and then act like they just came out of a trance.

WOW... . my x is a therapist.  I respected this fact and logically figured that she knew what she was talking about, since this is her profession and all... .

X had me convinced that I was "bi-polar."  She blamed all of my actions on this "diagnosis."  She had me going to the clinic where she worked and seeing the doctor and being put on multiple bi-polar meds... .

My actions couldn't have been from her?  Or the stresses, multiple deaths in our families, financial, and the list goes on... . ETC

I don't know how you responded to the meds, but the side effects were horrible! The side effects began to shatter what broken self esteem I had at that time... . the weight gain, etc... . Combine that with the abuse from the BPDx (withholding, bullying, etc... . ) and I felt trapped... . if I didn't do as she said, not question her "authority" of her profession, then she would leave... . I literally felt like that guy in the movie Misery... . that writer, Paul Sheldon I believe? 

If I wasn't acting appropriately, she would count my pills to make sure that I was taking them... . Once I got so sick from the effects, I would simply flush them down the toilet... .

I joined a gym at the time to workout and try and lose some of the weight from the "depaBLOAT" that I was taking.  I hid this from my ex because I was afraid of her?  When she did find out, she accused me of "living a secret life?"  REALLY?

But today... . life is about ME!  I've learned a hard lesson from all of this, but at the end of the day, I am a much better person from all of it!

MCC

[clover528]

If she doesn't get the help she needs her exiting the gene pool would be a service to humanity.

Perf,

I am not ashamed to admit it, but I couldn't agree with you more on that statement right there.

Change the "her " to "him" and I third this. And I am not ashamed to say it. under any circumstances dont break NC. It doesnt help you.The clarity you gain from NC can be muddled into a complete blackout FOG in one fail swoop. Love yourself more than to let the manipulation back into your life.

My ex has threatened suicide so often that I can no longer count. three times in so many months. Even reading the messages can create a blurr in vision. Stay strong!

[fromheeltoheal]

Even reading the messages can create a blurr in vision

[DeRetour]

Lonewolf,

I meant to mention in an earlier post... I really like this example you shared here:

I posted on another board what my therapist told me about NC: "Giving into NC is like giving a bird ONE birdseed. The bird will always want more."

It really makes a lot of sense when you think about what this is teaching. I think of a parent, for instance, who gives in to holding up some boundary with their young child, for example: "No candy until you've eaten your dinner." If the parent gives in once to the child's nagging, the child learns that it's possible to get candy without dinner if she nags. She doesn't necessarily know how long the nagging has to continue, but there's hope. Whereas, if the boundary is enforced, the child will certainly get upset, but eventually sees that there's a boundary here.

Good thoughts Lonewolf!

-deRetour

[causticdork]

It's funny, but when I was in my very early twenties I had a girlfriend who had a three-year-old child.  We lived together for a while and I was essentially a parent, and I was constantly giving that girlfriend the exact lecture about stating and maintaining boundaries with children that DeRetour just posted about.  And I was awesome at it with the kid.  She was a handful, and if her mom was around she would throw tantrums, scream, hit, break things, you name it.  If I was the "parent" in charge, after about six to eight months of me consistently enforcing boundaries without once letting her bend them, she became a totally different kid.  Her mom was never able to get her to behave, because her mom would lose her temper and yell at her, then feel bad about yelling and let the kid slide on whatever punishment she was supposed to have. 

If I can handle an ACTUAL petulant three-year-old, I should be able to handle a 27-year-old who just acts like one.  Granted, with the 27-year-old I'm handling it by staying away from her, but the principal is the same.  If they know that they can break you down if they just keep trying then they'll always keep trying.  I need consistency and so does she.  Giving in to her demands is just making things worse.  I've never thought of it as compared to my time parenting a small child, but it makes perfect sense now that you mention it.