No Contact Mode and Future Contacts By a Borderline - Part 2

[LoneWolf768]

After sending them and cooling off for a day or two, I re-read what I'd sent her and knew I'd gone overboard. WAY overboard. I tried to explain that I was hurt, frustrated, angry, felt taken advantaged of and victimized by her placing all the blame on me when she clearly made no effort to make things work for one ridiculous reason after another. No responses, which I expected. I'd contacted a mutual friend of ours (I'm still not sure why but again, my co-dependency kick in and I was worried what someone else thought about me) and explained that whatever she may have heard about me from my ex shouldn't  be taken as fact but the words of an angry woman with serious anger issues. I told her if she was uncomfortable with me contacting her, I'd stop. She wasn't. I thanked her and told her I wasn't at all going to put her in the middle of anything or have her pass messages along to ex nor did I want to know what her status was. My ex was adamant that this friend and I not talk and she actually told her to block me on Facebook and not to communicate with me 'for your own protection'. I was assured my ex wouldn't know we were friends  which I though was ridiculous because how old are we again? But, she didn't want to have to deal with her over being friends with me. I found out A LOT of things I'd suspected from my ex though this woman. My ex always maintained she'd been ion love with me since we mat back in 2009. It was ALWAYS about me. I was her sole love. In 2010, she met this woman's estranged husband and after ONE meeting she was proclaiming her undying love for this guy, too! How does that make me feel? She was also intent on seducing this friends estranged husband because she twice tried to spend the night with him and he said no both times until she invited herself over with an overnight bag. He walks into his room and she's in his bed, naked (typical female BPD behavior to validate their self worth) and she got what she set out for. A could of weeks later he broke it off with her after she exposed her insecurities and jealousy over the amount of women he knows - a problem I also dealt with from her on an every day basis and knew all too well. (NOTHING is more exhausting and irritating that reassuring a BPD'er that you're loyal and faithful to them and they're the only one in your life.) Well, so much for the 'I've always loved you' story - which I didn't totally believe anyway. It was nice to hear and believe, though... .

She finally sent a text to a close friend of mine (she befriended this friend of mine in the beginning although she had extreme jealousy toward this woman because of how close we were) saying 'I'm sorry to involve you in this mess anymore, but please tell psycho to stop emailing me and bothering my friends.' This woman maintained I wasn't bothering her and my ex told her I was sick, a borderline stalker, verbally and emotionally abusive and she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. I told this friend she was using 'projection', a method BPD'ers use. As far as the verbal and emotional abuse, she was equally as guilty and all I did was give back back what I got. The borderline stalking thing was puzzling because I wasn't at all following her, showing up at her hangouts, driving by her house to see if she was home, calling her or even emailing her anymore, and I was doing nothing to give her the impression I would harm her in any way. Previous emails had NO threats in them or anything that could be interpreted as such. I again told my friend I wasn't trying to find out about my ex's personal life or get her to be a mediator. All we did was discuss parallels between her estranged husband and my ex and I saw a clear pattern as to what happened the first night they met vs. when we met (love bombing, mirroring and seduction), her insecurity and jealousy and how obsessive/possessive she became after he and I told her this wasn't what we wanted (the mutual friend claimed she went 'fatal attraction' on her estranged husband' until he told her that if she didn't settle herself he would cut her out of his life altogether and she dare not bad mouth him or the mutual friend would block her on Facebook and never speak to her again). I can't speak for him but the flood of phone calls, texts, emails and instant messages I received bordered on harassment. Yes, it was that bad.

Finally, in July, the friend contacted me telling my my ex was pissed and she was accusing me of making late night calls to her, which I denied because my reasoning was making calls to her would give her my new # (I don't know how to make a private call from my cell phone and I never saw the need to want to know, either) and sending her chat requests on Yahoo. I admitted that yes, I was, but purely by accident. She had ALREADY been on my IM contact list and all I was trying to do was delete her which I couldn't do unless she was logged on (I eventually did delete her and blocked her email addresses, also). My lady friend received yet another text to the tune of 'F***** (my name) needs to let S*** go! He needs to stop his whiny BS and to stop contacting my friends! I'll go to the police if I have to! Help me!' I came home from work with a similar Yahoo instant message that read 'You're been warned! Leave me and my friends alone! I've gone to the police! I'm done with this f***** b*** s***!'

I contacted the mutual friend and asked her why she was sharing our personal conversations with my ex when she told me my ex had no idea we were even friends. She replied back that I shouldn't blame her for any of this and maybe I was all the things my ex said I was. I told her what she was telling me was totally uncalled for and I didn't meant to inconvenience her by being hurt but I'd never experienced a pain like this and that she wasn't the friend I thought she was. I told her that until she gets dumped by someone with borderline personality disorder she shouldn't downplay it by any means or act like this is a typical, by-the-book breakup. It's FAR from that. She replied back that she told my ex like she told me that she was bowing out of this mess and that was that! I blocked her on Facebook, changed my # again and haven't made an effort to contact her OR my ex. No desire too, really. I think about my ex enough as it is. I'm trying not to.

A few days later my lady friend, without me even knowing, sent my ex a response text and ripped her a new one. Told her to never contact her again, how much of a contraction it was for my ex to contact one of my friends to tell me to stop contacting her friends, she was a piece of work, she always plays victim, she needs to grow up and get a job, she needs to quit whining about how bad her life is, how she's stuck in a marriage of convenience and has nowhere to go, how great of an example she was setting for her daughter, how her methods of seducing men after barely knowing them as well as her proclaiming her undying love for them in the same time frame must be her signature moves, told her she needs to accept responsibility for what happened and to stop blaming and bad mouthing me, she really had no right to be in any kind of relationship with me or anyone else because she's still married, told her also if she wanted to press harassment charges she should remember how many risque pictures she sent me over the years (even ones I received before I met her!), all the emails I got from her, the insulting texts she received about me... . she really put her in her place. Then she told her I wasn't aware she was texting her back to avoid blaming me because she never wanted to feed into my ex's sick need to create drama and suggested she seek psychological help for the sake of her daughter if not for herself. Then she blocked her from any and all future phone and Facebook contact.

Where it started to completely unravel, I can't say. But it did. It got totally and completely out of control. It NEVER should've gone this route. I wake up, every morning, with guilt for the things I said to her and the insults I threw her way. I'm regretful that we couldn't even part as friends but honestly, how could I ever be friends with someone like her after finding out and uncovering all the lies? How could I be friends with someone who uses personal information against me when they're angry and pushes my buttons to the point where I become so exasperated that I find myself acting like a mad man and lowering myself to their level? Don't get me wrong. There are moments where I feel as though I was justified in retaliating. You'd have to be a saint to put up with all the verbal and emotional bashing I did and NOT want to retaliate. However, the thing that separates me from her, among many things, is I feel guilt over what happened. She does not. BPD'ers will never, ever admit fault or that they're wrong. They'll never take responsibility for any wrongdoing or acknowledge they've done anything wrong. They'll always have an excuse as to why they said or did what they said or did. In a way, I admire the fact that she could just walk away from this car wreck unscathed and as though nothing happened. As if I never mattered. as if WE never mattered. I wish I had that type of recovery but unfortunately, I don't. Granted, this relationship wasn't but 3 months and I'm now just getting to the point where I'm not obsessing over what she's doing, who she's with and what they're doing, if she thinks about me and if she even remembers anything good about me and what I did - the cards to her and her daughter, the flowers, the poems, the positive reinforcement, the compliments, the plans she talked about for us, the sex... . was it even real? Did I fall in love with an illusion?

NOW, to return to the original topic... . does anyone want to try and tell me that my ex will one day make an effort to contact me? $50 says she has enough reasons to NOT contact me, even if the thought crosses her mind. I know people are unpredictable and I never out anything past anybody, but after all that was written and how bad the fallout was... . no. She'll never contact me. I'm forgotten. Soon she'll be forgotten too, but it'll take a little more work on my end. 

[Learning_curve74]

She is mentally ill with BPD, so your relationship was already "unraveling" the moment you took an interest in her. When she talks badly of you to all her friends, it is part of the typical "smear campaign" many BPD undertake to shift blame to the other party in order to avoid shame and facing responsibility. You become the "monster" so she can remain "innocent and good" because in her mind everything is black or white. She does not need any evidence you are stalking or bothering her because it's all in her mind.

She is mentally ill and she doesn't think like you, so why should you expect her to act like you?

She needed you in order to feel something, to feel wanted maybe. But in reality, it probably could have been any caring and considerate person who would fit the bill. She'll probably contact you eventually when she's feeling lonely and that you are possibly available as a friend for a shoulder to cry on or even a bed to sleep in. If you read enough BPD stories online, you realize it may be years and years later before she contacts you.

Realize this one thing: all this is immaterial. What really matters is what will you do if she contacts you? Knowing what you do know about her, aren't YOUR actions the only thing YOU can control?

[LoneWolf768]

Learning_curve74, I had no idea what was up with her until I spoke to close friend of mine, who has a background in psychology, at great length and explained to her EVERYTHING - the explosive anger, the jealousy, the insecurity, the need to get back at me for things she perceived as me purposely hurting her, the cutting, the promiscuity, the drama, the 'splitting', etc. I gave both sides of the story, painted as accurate a picture as I could with things I did and said and things she did and said. I am not above telling the truth about myself when I've done wrong. After a minute, she asked ':)o you know what borderline personality disorder is?' From what you've been telling me, she fits the behavioral characteristics. If I were you, I'd research it thoroughly. It'll help with your recovery.' The one thing I kept reading on every like was that BPD'ers typically make contact with an ex after breaking up with them. Now, the big thing I've been reading by those who have broken up with by a BPD'er is it came out of nowhere, they were blindsided, things were going well up until the breakup, etc. and I can very well see a BPD'er making contact with their ex under those circumstances because the illness, not the ex, caused this sudden attitude change. My close friends and even my therapist have all said 'WHEN she contacts you - not IF she contacts you' and all I can do is laugh because I said some really, really harmful things to her as she did to me. Why anyone, a BPD'er or not, would want to contact someone who said the things I said AND/OR would try and contact someone who said the things she said to me is really odd.

My stance is that I'm an exception to the rule of 'Your ex BPD'er will try and contact you when they need something from you or their bored. They thrive on chaos so be on your guard for any and all types of contact when you least expect it.' Again, I know people can be full of surprises. Nothing people do surprises me anymore. I fully expect the unexpected

You're absolutely right - the only thing I can control are my actions. The power of silence is such a powerful tool. The Silent Treatment indeed can drive someone like a BPD'er out of their mind. Thanks so much for posting. Please post anytime!

[papawapa]

Unless you can turn yourself into a ghost, change phone numbers, email addresses, delete all social media, and move, you will be contacted again. If there is a way to get a hold of you a pwBPD will eventually contact you. There are some people on this board that were recontacted after twenty years apart.

A few weeks ago I was convinced that my ex would never contact me again. The last two times we had talked she had raged at me and told me she hated me, would never speak to me again, wanted nothing to do with me ever. When our kids told her I had taken a new job that requires me to travel extensively she suddenly changed her tune and is now on speaking terms with me.

[Lao Tzu]

Hi Family,

     Thirty years of no contact at all, then kaboom.  "Charred" had the same story at, I think, 27 years.  My pwBPD had moved several times (as had I), had kids, divorced, remarried, divorced again, etc., etc. and I would have bet my last $5 that I'd never see her again.  Then, something changes on their side (possibly they get a new squirrel running around in their head  ) and they're in your life again.  Never say never.  The deal is, you need to get into your own mind while they're having drama elsewhere and teach yourself how to immunize against the possible return by giving yourself the 'drug' they once hooked you with.  Your life will be better for it. 

LT

[Learning_curve74]

Maybe when a BPD gets older it's harder to find that connection to avoid the loneliness. Maybe the one night stands are no longer appealing. So a BPD might look back at their past to rekindle (recycle) an old relationship. Since they get so much of their identity from other people, maybe they choose the ones they remember more fondly mirroring?

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Learning Curve,

     I've had exactly the same thought.  As with so much of what 'they' do, I'll never know the truth, of course.  I can say one thing for sure though, I will never be so smug as to think I truly understand anyone again, especially myself.  There's really very little I feel I can predict with certainty any more.  Maybe that's just a sign of maturity (I'm going to tell myself that, anyway) 

LT

[Relentless]

So even a moderately emotionally charged break up and post break up (texting/begging/apologizing endlessly) and them telling others you are a bad person, doesn't mean they won't ever try to come back?

I often wonder if they ever wake up and realize just how good they had it.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Relentless,

     The "telling others you are a bad person" is typical and is called "painting black" here, generally, as the pwBPD can only see a person as all good or all bad.  If you read about recycling on this site you will see that they can move their opinion 180 degreees about you in a blink of an eye. It means nothing in terms of predicting when (or whether) they will try to come back. 

     As to waking up and realizing how good they had it, that's a very interesting thought, really.  I doubt they ever 'wake up' in terms of coming out of their disordered sense of reality, but as LC74 suggested, they might have need at some point to look back at which meat-puppet danced the best in the past and see whether that fool can be recycled.  It's a very warped way of realizing how good they had it, I guess. Hmmm... . I should look to see if Meat-Puppet has been taken as a screen name. 

LT   

[LoneWolf768]

 *If you read about recycling on this site you will see that they can move their opinion 180 degreees about you in a blink of an eye. It means nothing in terms of predicting when (or whether) they will try to come back. *

Lao, I really went for the kill when I told off my ex BPD'er. I gave what I got. While I don't fully understand the mind of these individuals (nor do I want to), I would think an individual, of sound mind and self respect, who had been verbally blasted by someone would have the dignity to stay away from them in any capacity. Like I wrote: most of the stories I've read are of people who kept the peace with their BPD'er, showered them with love, affection, compliments and attention... . then WHAM! They get the proverbial rug pulled out from under them. This poor guy/gal is left wondering what the hell just happened since they maintained their good guy/good girl image and backed it up with effort after effort. I could see a BPD'er having second thoughts and maybe, after realizing their ex was genuinely doing right by them, contacting them. I tried to do right by my ex. I made efforts. Lots of them. It became one sided. She wanted out and blamed for me for the demise. I had a hand in that, of course. How could I, or anyone with the good sense God gave them, deny it? I feel like I was talking to a 5 year old when I had to explain what led to the tension: her living situation, marriage of convenience, lack of effort, no interest in talking on the phone, no interest on family get-togethers (her family and mine), contact accusations of flirting with women OR them flirting with me, the constant reassurances, the control issues she has, the plans she had but could never follow through, the endless lies, the manipulation, deceiving, mind games... . it wore me down. It frustrated the living hell out of me. When I saw that she was done with me, I had nothing to lose and retaliated. Didn't make any real or veiled threats. Broke it all down, piece by piece, fact by fact. If what I wrote offended her or she interpreted anything as a put down, so be it. Sometimes people don't want to hear the truth about themselves, and I've learned BPd'ers will NEVER take blame for anything they do themselves and/or have a hand in and CANNOT/WILL NOT accept criticism. My ex BPD'ers friend flat out told me "She'll never acknowledge she did anything wrong." And this woman saw first hand the tendencies of my ex BPD'er while she was chasing her estranged husband - but that's another post on another board. 

My point is that most people who have been contacted by the ex BPD'ers have pretty much kept their distance and didn't retaliate after the breakup. They didn't fuel the fire, necessarily. I did. And I not only fueled the fire but I lobbed hand grenades, too!


*Maybe when a BPD gets older it's harder to find that connection to avoid the loneliness. Maybe the one night stands are no longer appealing. So a BPD might look back at their past to rekindle (recycle) an old relationship. Since they get so much of their identity from other people, maybe they choose the ones they remember more fondly mirroring?*


*I often wonder if they ever wake up and realize just how good they had it.*

learning _curve47 and Relentless, I had such good intentions for this woman and I but there were unresolved issues prior to us getting involved i.e. her claiming she slept with another man to get back at me when were weren't even together. That one issue right there. That's pretty vindictive if you ask me and I thought her cut throat tactics - not necessarily sleeping with another man - would present itself again if she felt I was purposely trying to anger her. It dictated the course of the relationship and, unfortunately, we never recovered. That's why I think, if she has any thoughts of contacting me, she'd remember and has ANY type of self respect for herself she'd remember the rotten and hurtful - but truthful - things I said to her and not even try to contact me.

Like I said, I'm not surprised by anything anyone does anymore. BPD'ers have widened my eyes more than they already were to just how volatile, unpredictable and scary people can be. Great posts, all of you guys!

[Lao Tzu]

Dear LoneWolf,

     I completely agree with you when you say "I would think an individual, of sound mind and self respect, who had been verbally blasted by someone would have the dignity to stay away from them in any capacity." The thing is that folks with BPD don't have a sound mind.  They don't react as people with a sound mind would react; we just expect that they will and that's why we get hurt so much.  As for having self-respect, do you think a woman with a thousand one night stands has any self-respect? Ditto on the dignity.  This just isn't them; they're playing out of a very different rule book due to their disorder.

LT