finally found my voice

[Aussie mumma]

Thought I'd share... . I finally put boundries up... . regarding my dd's behavior and language when visiting our place.I was concerned if I said anything she didn't want to hear... . I wouldn't see my gd... . but when dd was telling my gd how men view young girls... what they really want and how they'd do it... . the language was disgusting.it reduced gd to tears and I finally told her that while she's at my house she will not speak like that... she will respect my position as her mother by minding her language... . also be aware of her daughters age... . and if her father says hello or asks a question of her,to aknowledge him,

With a hello at least...

Dd actually remarked dad has mellowed... . mumma speaks her mind... . when she starts the obscene language... . I actually ask her to stop... . she is slowly getting the message... . wish me luck

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithfulHope]

That is great that you did that.   My dd21 loves to shock people with her language, her attire, and behavior.  I only tolerate so much at my house also.   My youngest is only 13 and he doesn't need to hear all that.   Stay strong!

[vivekananda]

Hey aussie mumma!  

What a positive story! Congratulations. That first boundary hurdle is a big one - I know.

How is the validation going? It seems to me that if dad has mellowed, maybe there is some validation taking place too?

Vivek   

[Aussie mumma]

 *Hi!

Thanks Vivek ... your previous advice worked also...

I'm hoping I can putting up further boundries... I have mentioned to dd wBPD the problems she is facing at the moment are a result of the decisions she has made during the past few years... what surprised me was she actually agreed with me.

She is still not being truthful but due to her being worried about her ex. dd has told me things that occurred during their relationship... I've finally stepped back as I couldn't worry anymore as it was driving me crazy... so I needed to put myself first for a little while... she has protection...

Again thank you  

[vivekananda]

Hi aussie mummar  

Good to have you back. Have you read the book: "Boundaries - when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life" by H. Cloud and J. Townsend? It comes highly recommended by those who know. I was attending a course for 'carers' last night in Melb and it was discussed that not only are boundaries for our protection, but they also teach our loved ones about structure and recognising their own limits.

Have you worked on your validation skills yet?

There is lots we can do to try to improve our relationship with our children (and others too!)

stay with us here. It's the easiest way to get support and guidance and learn about ourselves  

Vivek   

[Aussie mumma]

Vivek  

Will look into the book you recommended, It's taken some time for me to put boundries... but I think I got to the stage where, if I didn't say anything my gd will believe its the norm to speak & act the way her mum does...

[pessim-optimist]

Hi, Aussie mumma,

Congratulations! It does feel great when we finally voice our values doesn't it?

It is a process with boundaries. I am really glad it has been working for you so far.

I am not sure where you are at in the process of setting boundaries: have you thought through of what you would do if your dd decided to step over them? (it often happens that a pwBPD push against the boundaries or accept them fo a while and then test them)

You may already know this; The best plan for upholding our boundaries is to have a well thought through plan of consequences to apply if the boundaries are crossed. What works best is if we can remain calm, compassionate and firm, while we are doing it.

What has been your experience with validation and boundaries so far?

[vivekananda]

Hey Aussie mumma!

I love you little avatar, did you always have it? And you know the ad? "Simples people!" How cute. I wish it was simple eh?

It is so good when we are able to stand by our values - pessi-O has it in a nutshell. And yes the challenge is to come to a place where we can do that with compassion - and our plan to back us up.

I am interested to know, how has it been with you so far eh? You gave us the example of bad language - probably the best place to start   and when she was scaring your gd. IN general, how has it been?

Cheers,

Vivek    

[vivekananda]

oops, I forgot to send you this. I don't know what part of Aust you are in, but if it's Victoria, you may be interested in this:

Family and Carer Support Groups, Victoria

They run support groups around the place which tend to meet monthly. It can be very helpful.

cheers,

Vivek