Why do I feel like calling him so badly? Am I crazy

[empower-me]

After a very volitale r/s for too many years and finally having enough peace of mind to think somewhat straight I end up thinking thoughts like this!

I took the entire day yesterday to read "Men who hate Women and Women who love them." And OMG>>   I get it now.

I am so addicted to this person that I am going thru the same withdrawals as herion or something.

I mean when it hits I can hardly contain myself.  But if I just do something or read a book like that and remind myself of what the heck i'm running from, the feeling passes and then I feel so much better and thank God for my freedom.

But how long will I struggle with this...   What If I give into the cravings one day!  Like I have so many times before?

She said that you need about 6 months to be better but it's been over that and I'm still struggling over here... .   so scary.

[Octoberfest]

She said that you need about 6 months to be better but it's been over that and I'm still struggling over here... .   so scary.

I don't think time by itself makes the hurt and the addiction go away... . it has to be something that we are actively working on by examining what exactly happened in our relationships, why we were vulnerable to our BPDex's, what it is about us that made us keep going back and tolerating all of the abuse.  It is not a passive process, it is an active one.

I am not trying to suggest that you have not been working on this, I am just commenting that I don't believe time by itself will heal ones wounds.

[empower-me]

You're absolutely right Octoberfest,

I see that connection and understand that how much I put into this detachment is what I will get out of it.

I guess I just have these lulls in my life due to my own limitations and a serious health condition that make it harder to stay active in my recovery.

I start to panick a little and wonder how I can provide for myself or take care of myself being on my own at 50 y/o and then I have to remember how sick I was when he was here and how detrimental that would be for my health if he was here and then I realize I am just having a withdrawal symptom and I work thru it. Or I try to anyway.

I have a T appt today and have been trying to work thru this but I have a comprimised immunity and the medications I take make my moods a little wild at times, very emotional or just feeling more than I probably would If I wasn't on them.

So I got a lot to work on here.  Any specific suggestions to help counter these fears under the current circumstances?

[Clearmind]

Why I wanted to call - I wanted to see/hear for myself whether he still thinks about me, cares about me, blames me... . the problem is when I would call the answer was never what I wanted.

So... . my advice is process the reasons you want to make contact - its not about him to start with. Often we want validation from the very person who cannot provide it.

[empower-me]

Well your name sure fits you...   YOu've helped clear my mind...

So now I have to determine what I want validation on...   Yep, the fact that he isn't able to admit to anything longer than a day a month or even be reasonable most of the time.

So if and when I do break down we end up talking about 4 minutes and then I have to hang up... it's a process... but I haven't given in this time... yay... .

[Clearmind]

empower you because no one can do that for you (us).

Empower-me - more often than not its how we feel about ourselves and our negative self talk that makes us want to make contact. We know deep down they are not good for us and that they are sick - we lived it. The hook is our need to relinquish our shame and guilt - however all it does is feed back into the cycle when we do make contact - because its invalidating.

Stand in front of a mirror and say 100 times "It's not my fault".

[empower-me]

Ok CM,

Sounds good.  I'll also add a few more positive affirmations like "I CAN make it on my own"  " I can be just as strong by myself as when I felt forced to do everything when he was here!" (still trying to figure that one out... )

And... . "You can do so much BETTER for yourself woman!  Get over your hang up's and start living your life!"   that's all... .