Why is the attachment so strong with BPD partners?

[Depression = 72% of members]

The majority of us here have probably had many relationships that ended prior to the one with ex BPD. Sometimes we broke and sometimes we were left. But as far as I am concerned, I have never suffered as much as when my BPD diagnozed girlfriend left. Where does this come from? Why do we need them? Why are they like a drug? I keep reading that this is because of our own core wounds but then why is tis so difficult only with BPDs? What do they awake in us?

[Blaise]

The majority of us here have probably had many relationships that ended prior to the one with ex BPD. Sometimes we broke and sometimes we were left. But as far as I am concerned, I have never suffered as much as when my BPD diagnozed girlfriend left. Where does this come from? Why do we need them? Why are they like a drug? I keep reading that this is because of our own core wounds but then why is tis so difficult only with BPDs? What do they awake in us?

[Reg]

Blaise, what do you think yourself about this ?

[Notthesame64]

Blaise great question...

My husband before this one was an alcoholic.  That is why I ended that one... yes sad but I am still friends with him today.

But... I tell you this... I would take my alcoholic ex-husband over the wacked out stuff I had to endure for the last 6 years with my BPDex!  What does that say huh?  I'm with you!

[Perfidy]

It's the drama and the never boring. Crazy sex. It sure the hell wasn't the kindness caring and compassion! My own codependency. My desire to take care of some one. I was happy to be a father. All my children are grown. I felt normal taking care of her. I took care of people all my life.

[Lucky Jim]

One scientist friend observed that my BPDxW and I were like two compounds that, when mixed together, created a strong but highly volatile compound.  Maybe that is not too far from the truth!  Like kicking a drug addiction, ending a r/s with a pwBPD is a major undertaking that calls on all of one's resources (all that are left, that is).  It's hard, so hang in there.  Lucky Jim

[slimmiller]

In a nut shell, when the relationship is in the honeymoon phase they numb us up with 'love' sex and whatever other 'drug' they need to then they slowly dismantle us and slowly and deviously insert themselves deep into every fiber of our being, heart mind and soul and built us back up to be what they NEED. And we comply because its 'love'... .  Then when they are done with us and ready for a new 'fix' they do whatever they have to to make us let go, even if they hurt us in the worst possible way. Then whatever they placed within us, they ruthlessly jerk away from us because it was theres from the beginning and do it to the next poor hapless soul.

Its like the scorpion said to the frog that she stung while the frog was taking her across the river, 'thats what we do'

[Notthesame64]

But Slim... . I still don’t believe they do it intentionally.  I think it’s a way of life for them just as easy as sneezing but as painful as a tooth being pulled.   It’s a involuntary movement for them.  That’s what I think.

[DeRetour]

Blaise,

It's a good question. I've been thinking about this everyday for the past month, especially.

Hmm. It's true, in my relationships before this one, things weren't nearly as intense. I think for me, it has to do with those old wounds. I know that I had a lot of issues with abandonment. So when my ex pushed and pulled, I would just find myself wanting to desperately go after her.

Let's see... .

from the beginning, the sex was crazy good. Or, at least intense. At times it creeped me out, to be honest. Sometimes I swear I could hear some anger in her voice when we were really getting into it. Also, she had this ability to go from having intense sex to a fight, sometimes within minutes afterwards! But yes, so much raw emotion went into the sex.Hmm... . I'd like to think that I can have the chemistry (and true intimacy) with someone healthy, minus all the weird dissociative stuff.

She knew just when to push and pull when it came to promises of the future. She knew I wanted a life partner and a family. From the beginning, she toyed with giving me a taste of what life could be like with her. And throughout our relationship, she'd up the ante. But, the moment she'd get discouraged about something (regardless of who did what), she'd go into some sulky, depressive state and all dreams would feel as though they were in limbo. "I really want us to be okay."etc. This was exactly the kind of emotional limbo I experienced with my parents in different ways. My dad would threaten to just disown me and pit my brother and sister against me. And my mom was often quick to flee anytime something was less than pleasant. "Come here happy... . or don't come at all," she used to tell me when I visited her for the first 6 months after they split. Also, my mother had an affair, which really added to feeling "cheated" of a family. I felt as though her boyfriends were more important - as though I was always less-than... .

This girl seemed to have the anger and temper of my dad AND a similar "artistic" temperament of my mom - here today, with the threat of always withdrawing if she heard something she didn't want to hear.

What about you? Why was your attachment so strong? I see there have been a couple of replies. Maybe you've answered this question. Well. Thanks for putting out such a good question. Take care of yourself as well!

-deRetour

[momtara]

Because their emotions are intense.  Sometimes it makes you feel wonderful.  Sometimes you feel very needed.  And then there's that other cruel side and you feel like you need to fix or figure out what went wrong, and if it was your fault.  So they swing wildly and play on your emotions, maybe not always purposely.

[DeRetour]

Because their emotions are intense.  Sometimes it makes you feel wonderful.  Sometimes you feel very needed.  And then there's that other cruel side and you feel like you need to fix or figure out what went wrong, and if it was your fault.  So they swing wildly and play on your emotions, maybe not always purposely.

Momtara, That was so succinctly put!

[sadinnc98]

My uBPDexbf swept me off my feet-treated me like a princess and met my needs like no one had-he cared, was affectionate, loving, hours of wonderful conversation, amazing dates, etc... . even though there were  IMMEDIATELY, I glossed over them because the good parts were SO good and unlike anything I have dealt with before.  Even when things got REALLY bad and the writing was on the wall, I clung on to hope that the person I fell for would come back... but he never did... . 31 times of recycling and he is the same person

[seeking balance]

The majority of us here have probably had many relationships that ended prior to the one with ex BPD. Sometimes we broke and sometimes we were left. But as far as I am concerned, I have never suffered as much as when my BPD diagnozed girlfriend left. Where does this come from? Why do we need them? Why are they like a drug? I keep reading that this is because of our own core wounds but then why is tis so difficult only with BPDs? What do they awake in us?

There are several reasons, but the main thing is it is a loaded bond.

Several articles on the site talk more about this, a couple are:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

Everyone has core wounds and trauma - the degree to which really is based on our own awareness, hurts, self-soothing.

One common theme specific to this board is we all tend to meet someone while in a particularly vulnerable time for us... . loneliness.  Being mirrored makes us feel understood and we melt into that feeling of "wow, I am not alone after all".  So, when the relationship ends - we are exposed to the depths of our souls.

Member 2010 articulates this in great detail in this thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

Keep reading the articles and keep asking questions - it all will start to make sense eventually.

Best,

SB

[whirlwind]

In addition to our own vulnerabilities that are exploited, I think that there is another reason.  These individuals cannot regulate their emotions on their own.  So, we try to help them.  They are incapable of taking responsibility without treatment.  So, we take on their responsibilities.  We give more than their fare share.  When they leave, all that investment seems wasted and leaves a giant hole.  We realize that we have been neglecting ourselves.  This imbalance in the dynamics makes the breakup worse than a relationship between 2 mature adults, who have been taking responsibility for their own lives.