Substance abuse and BPD

[Perfidy]

Meth... Yuck! Yes my baby was a meth addict. Lies about wanting to quit. Told me in the beginning of our 7+ year stand she wanted to get off it. Never happened. I'm not even going to bother to ask anyone if they think I should have stayed. I am actively looking at myself and my reasons for staying. Hell. The purest form of agony. My reward for being able to look past her addiction and see her as a human being that needed help. I really wonder right now what it would have been like had she made an effort to stop using. It never happened so I know this is just more rumination and self torture.

Abuse in any form,drugs,violence,emotional. Not healthy. All present in my last r/s. red flags warned of the danger. I ignored. This went on for years. The last couple years were the worst. The sex never stopped happening. Always a tool. Persuasion to get what she wanted. It didn't always work. Just try and imagine how unbelievably strong a person would have to be to survive in this relationship. I sure tried to show her the gate a lot. She refused to leave.

Drugs and BPD. From what I have been able to understand drug addiction is common with BPD. I know they suffer. They seek relief from sources outside of themselves. I understand their desire to feel good. Take away the drugs. Then what? Is there an improvement in their mental health? I know that stopping meth use has to be a HUGE step in the right direction.

My recovery and healing from this damaging and poisonous r/s depends on me being able to reflect and determine what my part is. It seems to me that I have an extra pound of flesh to offer up here.

[causticdork]

Mine was hooked on prescription opiates.  I have no idea what she was like without them, but looking back over the things I know for certain about her past (because there are always a lot of lies to sift through) it seems like she had a pretty good handle on things before she started using.  She moved out and got a job straight out of high school, was on a good career path, in a stable (or at least stable looking) relationship, and had goals and ambitions.  She started using pain meds that she stole from her then girlfiend back in 2009.  By 2010 she'd been arrested, lost her job, couldn't work in her field anymore (she was in healthcare, and got fired for forging prescriptions), and her relationship turned toxic and nasty.  I think the drugs brought out the BPD hardcore, but I don't know if getting off the drugs would be enough to get the BPD back in the box.  I think maybe once it's out it's out.

I think going to rehab would benefit our exes because not only would they learn how to not use drugs to cope, but they would learn healthy, productive means of coping.  Something that people with BPD are severely lacking. 

[Perfidy]

I don't know personally about the effect that treatment for drugs would have on pwBPD. She never got that far. What I'm more concerned with is the effect her addiction and pd has on me. My anxiety is consuming me today. I am on the brink of trying to contact her. It's pointless and self destructive but that's where I am. I feel good briefly then fall right back into my own crap. I haven't seen her for over three almost four months. Have had very little contact with her. She is with someone else now and has been for longer than I could have ever known. She just kind of started another life and didn't really bother to tell me!

[Conundrum]

Take away the drugs. Then what? Is there an improvement in their mental health? I know that stopping meth use has to be a HUGE step in the right direction.

My xSO used meth before we met. Was off it for six years with me. Off and on it now. Being clean doesn't arrest the disorder, but it greatly helps with the day-to-day domestic living (impulse control, emotional stability). My observations are that meth use keeps them locked into an overall pattern of requiring heightened stimuli--the addiction is not only their status quo but is accepted as a permanent defining characteristic of their identity (modulation, nuance, shades of gray are out the window when using). It's a co-morbid dance that numbs introspection, and allows them to devalue the need for therapy. When you're hooked on always requiring a rush to the 10th power, be it substances, emotionally, or sexually--it's very difficult to maintain coherent values or boundaries. It's a relationship killer even for the most psychologically balanced.

[Learning_curve74]

A friend of mine who is a recovered drug addict said he manifested many BPD traits while heavily using. He explained to me many addicts and alcoholics will act a lot like borderlines.

Somebody who is an addict comorbid with BPD probably cannot work on their BPD until they stop using. Looking around on the forums, there are stories of pwBPD that are recovered alcoholics but still exhibiting BPD behavior.

[Octoberfest]

My BPDex used to and still occasionally does snort hydros.  It was something that she would do when she was at wits end, when she felt like she couldn't cope with life anymore.  I stopped her from doing it several times, once when I outright demanded that she cut off contact with her ex or I was leaving (I later found out she had been cheating on me with him for the first 6 months of our relationship).  

I later asked her why she did it (the hydros)... . she told me that when she did it, for awhile, things were ok.  Her head was cleared and she could think clearly.  The constant worrying about things, the regrets about "not doing something good enough or right", all of the voices went quiet.  I think it was a release for her.

Perfidy, you are battling an addiction of your own... . your BPDex. You are having withdrawls, just like if she were a drug.  In fact either in therapy or in reading I have done I have heard that the withdrawls can chemically similar to the withdrawls of heroin or any other drug that deals with our "feel good" chemicals.  Love releases a lot of chemicals into our bloodstream that make us feel good.  All of a sudden we are without them, and our bodies notice it.

[Notthesame64]

Perfidy, you are battling an addiction of your own... . your BPDex.

I totally agree with October perfidy, however, I do believe that your battling your ex's drug addiction as well... METH? Seven years?   You must of been a strong man to go through that.

Any addiction of any drug or alcohol is debilitating enough to a handle in a r/s, but we also had to contend with the psychological disorders... . All I can do is shake my head in dis belief*.

[Perfidy]

Treatment for love addiction. Who coulda thunk it. Time won't heal me. I'm not just going to wake up one day and be restored. My mind is so scrambled right now. I have a headache from it. I reflect on myself. I do not contact or stalk her profiles. I had some contact with her about 3 and a half months ago. The only face to face contact since we split up. It was weird. I was going through the bargaining thing. Made me nauseous. Lost more self respect. She was sadistic. Spiteful. I couldn't recognize her with her mask off. It was a person I had never seen before. Evil.

[papawapa]

One of the nine criteria is two or more modes of self destructive behavior. For my ex the two are drinking/drugs and sex. She smokes weed every day and has a definite cycle of drinking. She may go for months without touching a drop of alcohol but she always picks up where she left off. For a short time she may be able to control her drinking, limit herself to a few drinks, but eventually she gets sloshed and keep getting sloshed. She would always end up having some big event when she was drunk and would rage. Get in a fight and many times arrested. Then she would say she had a problem, promise not to drink and get help. The help never materialized and the cycle would start all over again.

[Clearmind]

No its not common – it’s a component for some Borderlines – it’s a component for some people in fact who wish to escape reality.

I have three Borderlines in my life - none of which drink or take drugs.

My recovery and healing from this damaging and poisonous r/s depends on me being able to reflect and determine what my part is. It seems to me that I have an extra pound of flesh to offer up here.

Yes it does indeed... what is your part? Firstly, you seemed to be OK being with someone who was an addict... . now it turns your stomach. What has changed?

[Perfidy]

Her. She has changed.

[Perfidy]

Help me I need to heal

[Clearmind]

Perfidy what do you need in order to begin to heal?

[Perfidy]

For the injury and trauma to be over

[Perfidy]

To stop being HURT!

[Clearmind]

Perfidy I would love to tell you there is a quick fix but there isn't.

We go through trauma because its reminiscent of past trauma that we had not dealt with yet. We need to dig deeper than my ex was a meth addict. I'm not making fun of you or diminishing your hurt. However these relationships are chosen - by us.

For some reason we wanted to be needed by a very sick person -

We played the role of a care taker and were more interested in saving and rescuing a sick person at the expense of ourselves.

For some this is reminiscent of our childhoods. For me it certainly was. For me to heal I needed to grieve a childhood that was steeped in dysfunction. I hadn't even realised how toxic it was until my relationship with my ex fell apart.

We all learn our relationship skills from our parents. We are misguided about what love is. We thought we had it and placed high hopes on what we thought was perfect. This person was in fact not at all compatible for you. A drug addict is not an ideal partner who could ever give you what you want.  

To heal you need to begin to change your perception of her. She is not perfect, she cannot save you from you and vice versa.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I do sense your hurt and anger in your posts. It's ok however at some point we need to put down the magnifying

Glass and pick up the mirror. Only you know when that will happen.

She didnt change - you wanted to love her and so changed your perception of her. Remind yourself of the facts.

Are you seeing a therapist?

[Perfidy]

She did change. I saw it. There is no doubt in my mind at all. I saw the change in her. I know her. She is not the same personality.   

 

[Perfidy]

I was seeing a therapist. He offered to roll the pills at me. Guess what I told him.

[Perfidy]

I know what is happening to me now is a normal reaction to what I have experienced. I know that a part of it was me. I also know that it wasn't just me. I know without any doubt or reservation that I must suffer alone. Support is like methadone. It takes the edge off.

[Perfidy]

I know my perception has changed. She can never be good for me. She never was good for me. Her behavior has changed too. She no longer has any use for me and now she acts like it. She is just plain nasty. The game is over.

[Clearmind]

Perfidy - how can you begin to heal? What do you need to do for yourself - as hard as it is we all need to take the reins and be in charge of our healing. This is up to you and neither me or anyone can do this for you.

Remind yourself it takes time.

I was seeing a therapist. He offered to roll the pills at me. Guess what I told him.

Find another. Taking meds in the short term is something many of us have done. Its OK if you are depressed.