Worried about ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all. Just wanted some input from people who have been there... .

My BPD ex lives across the country (we had moved back to her hometown together, and I returned home and lived with friends when the relationship ended.) the end of the relationship was mostly her call, ad she had no interest in fostering an actual relationship.there was a lot of back and forth and changes of heart, of course. But we stayed broken up and haven't seen each other in the five months we have been apart.

Recently she has been sending me despondent messages about how depressed she is,how she messed up, and asking when we can see each other. I told her that we shouldn't do that now as we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and I don't want to derail any progress we have made. Of course this turned into accusations about how I don't care about her and we were supposed to reassess our relationship but I'm not open to that.

Fr the last month or so it has been total depression. Suicidal ideation included. She says she has nothing left and no one in her life. She flips out if I don't contact her. Everything of course is all about her and she couldn't care less that she ruined my life. And now shes threatening to cut me out and guilt tripping me for not spending time with her. I'm worried she is going to harm herself and she is acting more and more erratic. I care deeply about her but I'm at a crossroads. She is under the care of a pdoc but I don't think he knows how bad it's gotten.

I don't know what to do. I care for her so much and want us both to be ok. But I can't handle the threats when I don't do exactly what she wants. And I have spent the last six years bending to her needs to keep the relationship going which has left me completely broken.

[purpleavocado]

Hi all. Just wanted some input from people who have been there... .

My BPD ex lives across the country (we had moved back to her hometown together, and I returned home and lived with friends when the relationship ended.) the end of the relationship was mostly her call, ad she had no interest in fostering an actual relationship.there was a lot of back and forth and changes of heart, of course. But we stayed broken up and haven't seen each other in the five months we have been apart.

Recently she has been sending me despondent messages about how depressed she is,how she messed up, and asking when we can see each other. I told her that we shouldn't do that now as we both have a lot of work to do on ourselves and I don't want to derail any progress we have made. Of course this turned into accusations about how I don't care about her and we were supposed to reassess our relationship but I'm not open to that.

Fr the last month or so it has been total depression. Suicidal ideation included. She says she has nothing left and no one in her life. She flips out if I don't contact her. Everything of course is all about her and she couldn't care less that she ruined my life. And now shes threatening to cut me out and guilt tripping me for not spending time with her. I'm worried she is going to harm herself and she is acting more and more erratic. I care deeply about her but I'm at a crossroads. She is under the care of a pdoc but I don't think he knows how bad it's gotten.

I don't know what to do. I care for her so much and want us both to be ok. But I can't handle the threats when I don't do exactly what she wants. And I have spent the last six years bending to her needs to keep the relationship going which has left me completely broken.

[Learning_curve74]

Why are your ex's suicidal thoughts your responsibility? You live across the country from her, you don't see her, she is your EX. Threats of suicide are the highest form of emotional blackmail and control. She is trying to make you feel like you have no choice, just like she feels like she had no choice in her behavior. Do you believe this is true?

If she has sent you text messages about wanting to commit suicide, that should be enough for you to contact the police in her town to check on her. Prepare for her to hate you for exposing her secret life if you do that. Not everybody can do that, but that is really the only effective thing you can do if she is serious about suicidal ideation. You are not a professional counselor.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey anad4747,

Those w/BPD have a propensity for putting "guilt trips" on their SOs, in my view, because nothing is ever their fault.  They are also experts at manipulation and a suicide threat is the ultimate form of manipulation.  My BPDxW cried wolf with suicide threats on numerous occasions.  In my experience, 99% of the time it is just for attention, yet that last 1% could really get to me.  Agree with learning curve: not your responsibility to protect another adult from harming him/herself, which you really can't prevent anyway if they decide to do it.  Yes, there is a suicide hotline, though I never had the guts to call because I knew on some level that it was all an act by my BPDxW, which it was.

Hang in there and listen to your gut feelings,

Lucky Jim

[mitchell16]

this is classic BPD in my opinion. All about control they want what they want when they want it and if they dont they will act just like a 3 year old throwing a fit. The one and only time I did the dumping of exBPDgf she acted the same way. All the other times she did the breaking up and did not matter how much talking i did it didnt matter to her. She could careless what I was going thru. But when I told her I was done, and never to call me again and I didnt care who she dated, becsaue she was free to and so was I. She had a come apart. around the clock phone calls, texts, begging and implying suicide by sleep pills. actully told she took some but didnt know how many she took and then wouldnt answer her phone for hours. Only when I sent her a text saying i was calling the police did she respond. Hmm imagine that. But its all about control Im mean how dare you not want to see her or talk to her when she is ready to talk to you. If it was the other way around you can bet she would care less.

[Aussie0zborn]

Don't weaken now. She is not your responsibility. Cut all contact before you waste any more of your life on an unhealthy relationship. Be strong.

[Clearmind]

Translation: “anad4747, I cannot self soothe myself and I am using you to help me”.

anad4747, we need to be strong and step back. The relationship has ended and you still feel obligated to maintain contact.

Borderlines are more resourceful than you may believe. Look after you now.

[purpleavocado]

Thank everyone, I really needed to hear that.