After such success, I'm suddenly reminded that we must be always alert

[FullMetal]

Do't get complacent and forget for a moment that the person in your life with BPD still has it even if everything is going well.  I made the horrible mistake of forgetting what time it was and realizing I was 10 minutes late leaving work today.   Now the problem with that is that tonight dBPDw was heading to a girls night tonight.   So I call her on the way home I can tell she's disregulated, and that I was in for a treat... .  

I get home she is upset that I didn't say I was going to be late, (I was on a phone call and it ran past 5 o'clock.  The guy was going on vacation and I needed to know where things were so I could have another coworker do the work later this week. ).now I called from the car on the way home right after I left... .   I forgot to validate because I knew I was late,  I didn't sleep well and was exhausted.   She was upset because I knew that she had a thing tonight ( which is true I did know, I just didn't know when it was... . Didn't know she was leaving right as soon as I got home. 

I really am getting tired of these episodes, I mean There are days I work late, its the nature of my job,and if I'm even five minutes late, it's the same reaction as if I'm 5 hours late... .    I know to her it's the same, late is late, 1 minute or 1 hour is all the same in her mind.  but days like this I really wish she didn't suffer from BPD, so that I could have a calm normal discussion without her blaming me for being late and ruining her plans.   She was upset and complained about me being 10 minutes late for another 30 minutes after I got home before her ride showed up... .   I didn't even delay her, my being late had no effect on her plans, did not cause any necessary stress, I did call as soon as I could... .   I mean there really was nothing else I could have done.  And yet, I'm still painted black, because I dared be 10 minutes late leaving work.   She even gets mad if I'm stuck in traffic... .   Which I have 0 control over... .   I should know! 

Sorry for venting, just days like this make me stress, I just sometimes wish I knew why something that was so insignificant could cause so much stress and hardship... .   Especially when it didn't even affect her plans in any way.   She still would have had to wait the rest if the time to go, but this way she gets to be mad at me I guess... .  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ApChagi1]

I experience the exact same episodes with my dBPDw.  If I get stuck at a train crossing and don't call her to say I'll be a little late from work, I know the whole rest of the evening will be ruined and full of accusations of me meeting someone for an affair. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi FullMetal

I'm sorry you had a rough day

 ... . but days like this I really wish she didn't suffer from BPD, so that I could have a calm normal discussion without her blaming me for being late and ruining her plans.   

Yeah, I know. I've been there, as I'm sure most of our members here. I understand you needing to vent. Things can be frustrating.

But we are in a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. And as long as we are, we carry the burden of emotional caretaker and need to focus on applying the tools and working on being stable and healthy ourselves. Part of that for me was by enforcing boundaries.

It doesn't mean you constantly have to validate. If you don't feel like it, that's okay. It can help to also work on detachment and radical acceptance so that resentment doesn't build when you get frustrated with the situation.

[waverider]

Unfortunately thats part of a BPD relationship, things can go well for a while and we get led into thinking the past is behind. then we get a reminder and its like reliving an old nightmare. What is worse is you can predict it when you see the opening credits roll.

It's all about keeping centered. It helps if you have been practicing the tools on everyday interactions with everyone, then you aren't quite as rusty.

The good thing is you know what it is and you will let it go quickly

[badknees]

Same thing happened with my BPD wife when I came home yesterday. She just called me at work and is still angry. I too have the wishes for a calm household and a balanced relationship/marraige. You and I and thousands of other spouses made a choice to stay. And in doing that we signed up for frontline combat most days, unless the BPD gets help and realizes what they are doing and does the work. With my wife that is probably never going to happen. Perhaps your wife is working on herself and will "recover". I think you did nothing wrong. You didn't get angry back at her or try to justify everything. And when we did nothing wrong really I guess we just acknowledge how they feel and continue as normal. For me that helps... alot. Why... well when the exact scenario you described happens  I do my best to acknowledge her feelings ( like I hate you, you dont care for me at all, your are selfish etc) then try to carry on with normal tasks till bedtime. It can give the structure you need to tell yourself is not the end of the world, you'll be ok. A chore gets your mind off of the barrage you got slammed with. I am finding its those little stategies you find that get you thru the next 5 or 10 minutes till she gets distracted or tired.  Sometimes doing a chore will even calm the BPD down... . sometimes. who wants to have to retrain oneself just to come home. Find ways to survive, you can do it.

[FullMetal]

Thanks everyone, I know this is all part of being in a relationship with a pwBPD.  It's just everything was going quite well for over 6 months.  the only minor hiccup was when she forgot to take her meds (well she "forgot" to bring them on a overnight trip to a wedding 6 hours away, the wedding was for an old friend of mine who i've known for 30 years, who she despises, so yeah, she "forgot"... . ) I had even been late a few times without a major meltdown... .

It's just days like that where nothing went wrong or out of the ordinary for millions of people, I had to come home to a situation that was completely out of my control, and was completely unavoidable.  And my personality being of the mindset that everything can be fixed with enough work, has to be put aside because I know I can't fix her reactions.  but my brain still does the "what-if" thing, which ends up making me frustrated and sad... . because I know even if I put my guy on hold called her to say I was going to be late, I'd be even later than I was, making the situation worse... . which exhausts me, and depresses me a bit. 

ApChagi1, that's happened more times than I can count.  Even if I'm less than 5 minutes late she's accused me of having an affair in those < 5 minutes... . thankfully she hasn't gone there in a while.  I'm led to believe those incidents were actually projection, as I have caught her in a few indiscretions in the past, nothing lately.  which might be why she's not projecting her affairs onto me.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

When it's going well, the set backs can seem even worse that before, because we've had some progress in the meantime.

When that happens in my relationship, I've found the best thing I can do is try to put it behind me as soon as possible. Not pretending it didn't happen, but just mentally writing this down as a normal set back and then move on. The more I do it, the easier it becomes.

And my personality being of the mindset that everything can be fixed with enough work, has to be put aside because I know I can't fix her reactions.  but my brain still does the "what-if" thing, which ends up making me frustrated and sad... .  

Maybe this is something you could explore on the Personal Inventory board? Just a thought