I was called "hypocrite" ...

[Foreverhopefull]

I was sitting with a few people that know me and my situation (living with a pwBPD) except for one person whom I've never met, so, of course, at one point I got the "Why do you stay?" question , so I give out my usual response " I choose to stay because he makes an effort to be "healthier" (I didn't say anything about his physical health, just the mental health) and I added that if I was not married and had not invested 19 years with him, I might not be here now. Most likely, I would have left. It's just too much for a person that has nothing attaching them to the pwBPD (no home, vows, children, etc.)."

Well, that's why the one person who knows nothing about me called me a hypocrite. I stay but I would advise someone to leave now? How could I be such a two face bhit?

I hear the rest of the group's jaws fall on the floor at that point and knew all eyes were on me waiting for my reaction.

I looked at her calmly and said:

" If I could have a talk with myself 19 years ago, I would let myself know that I would spend the next 14+ years of my life not knowing what is wrong with my husband, not understand why he can only see black or white;how he can turn around and beg me not to leave him when I'm just going to work; how one moment I can say a word and it's OK but the next time I use it, he will be angry at me; how I will spend my life worried about what awaits me each time I open the front door... . a happy husband, a raging husband or a dead husband; how he will rarely tell me he loves me because he doesn't know how; how he be happy one second and the next be in such a rage that he will have you pinned to a wall by the neck and your 200+ body will not be touching the floor; that I would spend half my time sleeping in the bare basement stairs watching him sleep making sure he doesn't kill himself; that I will spend most days crying because there is nothing I can do to relieve his pain or know what is wrong with him. Then we will find out and learn that it will get worst before it get's better, but the better can take years and years of treatment before it starts to help, that during this time, we face possible bankruptcy and fight the system for him to be recognized as incapable of working for the next few years... . maybe, even, never returning. That this mental illness will have physical side effects that will kill him before he can reach 50, even 45. I would tell myself that you will always love him, he is, after all, your soul mate, but after all this time, losing him will hurt more at that moment possibly crushing you with the pain and heartbreak than it would have back then when we met. I would tell myself to stay home May 25, 1994 and try another adventure that might just be happier". Of course, by the time I was done talking, my face was covered in tears. I got up and headed out.

Let's just say that she was speechless, but kept repeating sorry and all my friends looked at me with tears running down their face.

Let's just say that I am certain this girl will think twice before accusing someone of being a hypocrite again.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SadWifeofBPD]

 


Well, you educated someone.  Good for you.

I'm in the same boat with you.  If I had known 28 years ago what I know now, I would have cancelled the wedding and moved on.   

But, once you have kids, mortgage, investments, etc, it's too hard to split everything up without financial ruin.  Plus, when divorcing a pwBPD they can really get vicious and mean.  When H and I were separated, he and his brother cooked up some schemes to really financially ruin me if the divorce had gone thru.  Some of those schemes have already hurt me and one will likely hurt me in the future (H cancelled his large life insurance policy while we were separated to "make sure" I wouldn't get that money when he dies.  He and his brother first tried to change the beneficiary, but legally they couldn't do that w/o my signature, so they cancelled the policy.  Now, I only have a small policy on him from his job.)

[Foreverhopefull]

That's a whole other ball game, I wasn't even thinking of how vindictive they can get when they feel wronged.

I was mostly thinking of the emotional investment in the relationship and the views of society when you leave someone who is sick... . that alone is enough to drive you bonkers with guilt.

A friend told me that this girl I "schooled" couldn't believe what I had said to her and started saying I shouldn't be so open about my husband's sickness. My friend's response was worth millions. She told her that by being open, I'm educating people like her that live a life of ignorance. My husband's sickness, as she likes to say, has a major effect on me and becomes my sickness too. By being open about it, I also help lift the veil of shame that plagues mental illness. She pretty much used my response when people tell me I should be discreet about BPD.

In my view, if mental illness wasn't taboo, pwBPD and other mental illness wouldn't have such a hard time in society.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Forever,

     Just as you and your SO can be triggered, others can be triggered as well.  The other person may have had a r/s with a pwBPD and be calling herself a hypocrite, really.  Certainly her reponse crossed a lot of the boundaries generally accepted in normal conversation.  I usually take that to mean that the other person is acting out something internal to them and realize it doesn't have anything at all to do with me.

     A bigger question is why it upset you so much. If she had said that it sounds like you are a pedophile or a mass murderer, I imagine you would have just laughed at her stupidity. Might it be that you're still blaming yourself for what is bad in the r/s?  This is one of the lies we tell ourselves about these r/s and is discussed at length in the introductory materials on this site.  There is also a piece about the common belief that the pwBPD is your soulmate. What you described about your actual life, as opposed to the imagined one the pwBPD creates, doesn't sound like the one most people would have if there actually was such a thing as a soulmate. 

LT 

[pecia]

I have stayed with my husband because of fear. Financially we could both do it. No children or investments other than our house. My hang up is that I have been with him since I was 16 and he was 17. I am now 34. Before me - nobody stayed and now I refuse to leave. I have refused to be one more person that abandoned him (prob due to my own abandonment issues). I worry that nobody would ever love him again - that he would be alone and miserable - more empty than he is now. And despite everything - I love this man with my whole heart. Looking back - I contemplate if I wish I wouldn't have married him. But it hasn't all been bad. It is what has made me who I am. And somehow I still feel like he has made me a more caring person. The good times keep me around.

[lostandunsure]

I don't really have much to add except a thank you. I don't know how I would have responded if I had been in your place, but I think, as hard as it was, that your response was spot on. I frequently wonder why I stay, I don't know if I could put it into words, certainly not as well as you did.

If only I knew 17 years ago what I know now, how life would be very different today. But, I didn't. I, and my wife too, made decisions based on the best information we had at the time. We face the consequences of those decisions every day. However much I wish I had known about BPD sooner, I'm just glad that I've learned about BPD now so that hopefully we can start getting some real help.

Again, thank you for posting this.

[Foreverhopefull]

My reaction to being called a hypocrite has nothing to do with guilt on my part or anything else, my reaction was due to being called something that many people in society think. I work with violence against women single day. What we say day in and day out is that we have to give the women that face violence choices, we educate them of the options and let them choose which is best for them. We can't make that choice for them. Just like AA cannot make the choice of sobriety for an alcoholic. We teach all of the staff this and remind them constantly that we cannot tell someone what to do and if, like me, they say that "if they would have known then what they know now, they would tell themself to turn around and leave now... . but they just can't do that now, they have chosen to stay", we cannot judge them.

This person made a judgment that society makes way too often.

If you stay in a difficult relationship due to mental illness, you get told to leave. If you leave, you get chastised for leaving someone who is sick. You  are never told that you have a right to choose to stay or go without guilt or judgment... . you are either the idiot for staying or the heartless for leaving. Every single day, I make the choice to stay. I make the choice to stay because I have given myself that right, my family has given me that right and so has his family... . even he gave me that right. Everyone tells you that they would never accept that kind of behaviour, etc. They never tell you that this must be difficult and that you are actually strong to want to walk with your spouse towards a more stable mental health. They just judge.

I do believe in soulmates, I believe that in this world we live in, there is at least one person out there that will walk into your life, love you with every inch of their heart and soul without any doubt or judgement and this person will leave a print on your heart and soul that will never be replicated. I believe soulmates love each other more than anything in the world and they don't have to be your spouse.

That's why I responded to the comment. I think that each and everyone here, working hard to find the support to help themselfs and their partners find more stability in their relationships deserve a great big pat on the back and great big hug with a reminder that they are strong, they are not alone and they have a right to choose to stay and they have a right to change that choice. This illness destroys families and relationships daily, the statistics don't lie, we are very few that choose to stay. We have to remind ourselfs that we have a choice and we don't have to fear or listen to judgment on our decision.

[Cipher13]

I have stayed with my husband because of fear. Financially we could both do it. No children or investments other than our house. My hang up is that I have been with him since I was 16 and he was 17. I am now 34. Before me - nobody stayed and now I refuse to leave. I have refused to be one more person that abandoned him (prob due to my own abandonment issues). I worry that nobody would ever love him again - that he would be alone and miserable - more empty than he is now. And despite everything - I love this man with my whole heart. Looking back - I contemplate if I wish I wouldn't have married him. But it hasn't all been bad. It is what has made me who I am. And somehow I still feel like he has made me a more caring person. The good times keep me around.

Sounds almost identical to me in regards to why I stay. What I would leave behind. I fear she couldn't handle being alone... . The guilt of if something happened to her if I left. I don't have abandonment issues in my past but all this rings true with me. There are good times.  But you know the good times as not always the GREAT times as the used to be and the bad times are tunring into HORRIBLE times.  I am trying to change that. Even if only for me in the end.

[MaybeSo]

Did this person who doesn't know you actually use these words? "How could you be such a two faced bhit?"

What an odd and unnecessarily hostile remark in the midst of what sounded like polite chit chat. I don't know anyone that talks that way in polite circles... .   not sure she deserves the time and energy of an explanation.

[Foreverhopefull]

Did this person who doesn't know you actually use these words? "How could you be such a two faced bhit?"

Yes this person did use these words. She had me painted black... . to her surprise, I'm used to that. I proudly wear the titles that reflects who I am, but I refuse to be given one that is totally untrue.

I was doing a training session yesterday about not using judgement with our clients, etc., imagine her surprise to find out I was giving it. At one point in the training, I use examples to help make a point. I could see the fear in her face when I said: " I will give you one of my experience", but the relief I never talked about this event.

This person reacted before thinking of what she was saying, she doesn't have much life experience, but I feel that she just learned a valuable lesson.