tough day

[AbbyNormal]

I need to find more time to be on this site. I don't say that casually. I can manage better when I'm listening to the experiences of others and sharing some of my own. I was having a pretty good day today but it was turned on its ear because of rage fit from my bipolar/uBPD mom. I'm on the site now because the event just knocked the air out of me and I'm so upset that I'm really useless to do anything else right now.

As I've mentioned in previous posts, she's 70 and lives alone in another state from me. Night before last she had a knock at the door at 3 in the morning and she answered it. It was a man with a flashlight asking for someone she didn't know. She told him he had the wrong house and he went away. Well, she's been freaking out, not sleeping (doesn't feel "safe", and drinking a lot. I spoke with her for hours yesterday trying to calm her nerves but I did mention that answering the door at 3 in the morning might be a bad idea. She began lashing out at me because I don't live nearby to protect her. She also lashed out because I haven't paid to fortify her house with security system, motion detected lights, outside camera, etc. I told her I'd like to pay for her to have life alert. I thought that'd be good because it would work whether she was at home or not. She was fuming but didn't completely let go on me.

Today I called her while I was driving home and she just let go. She said I don't do anything for her, I'm a terrible person, I'm a horrible daughter, I'm a spoiled only child who only thinks of myself, I don't help her, I don't have compassion toward her, etc. I tried SET but she would just cut me off and say, "shut up." When she tells me to shut up, she says it with this tone behind that just drips with hate. Really. She pulled every insult she could. I stayed quiet until she stopped for air. She asked if I had anything to say for myself and I just said I wasn't going to do this and was going to go. She then started raging that I'm just like my dad (meaning I "run away" from an argument) and I hung up on her.

Immediately came the racing heart, shaking hands, dizziness, nausea, and fear. I'm still trying to calm down. I can rationalize all of it but I wish I could shake the physical reaction I have to it. It feels like a fight or flight type sensation that makes me physically sick. I have to remind myself that I don't have to be afraid of her anymore. I'm 37 years old. I've lived in another state from her for 15 years. Is it ever going to get easier?

[zone out]

Oh Abbynormal, my heart goes out to you.  I have been where you are many times before and I know that feeling - like you have had the life kicked out of you.  I can recall going into work the day after such an event feeling like my insides were shaking like jelly.  Sounds to me like your mother knows she did something incredibly stupid, putting herself at risk like that.  Instead of recognising her mistake and resolving not to do it again, she is taking it out on you.  All the cameras and security systems in the world would not have protected her had the guy she opened the door to been up to no good.

I also am the only one and it is sometimes a very lonely place to be.  My mother can throw tantrums to rival the most determined toddler - before I found this site I really was starting to lose my grasp on reality!  It is definitely a consolation to know that you are not alone and so many of us have such similar experiences.  Spending time on the site definitely helps me deal with the aftermath of one of her episodes.  I used to spend days in a real flat mood - good for nothing, friends would even notice that my voice was affected - now I get on the site and rationalise the whole thing in my head.

I hope you find a way forward

Zone out

[ursulajane]

Dear AbbyNormal,

   The post episode feeling is definitely a stress response and I am sorry you had such a difficult day.  I too have felt the same way you feel with the shaking hands, nausea, sweats, etc. after a mother event.  When that adrenaline surge hits, your body has everything on alert and is trying to warn you about danger.  This site is truly Godsend as you can vent and know that others understand. Venting can help decrease your stress response.

 I have found that after having an episode with my uBPD mother I read posts to this site or review some of my journaling to bring ME back into focus. I don't know if I will ever get completely over that feeling as long as my mother is alive (she is 90 and LIVES with me!) but I know I can find solace on this site and knowing you are not alone. I have also tried taking a walk after an episode and focusing on nature to clear my mind and remind me that there is still beauty in the world.

 I am nearly 60 and STILL responding to my mother's episodes but I am working on making my response less damaging to me and getting myself back on track faster.  Every small step you take toward taking care of  yourself is significant!

 Keep posting -- and remember you are NOT alone.  You are valuable and you are a good person and a good daughter.  Our mothers just look at the world through a distorted lens. Our vision is clear and for that I am grateful.    

[Finding Courage]

Yes, post episode emotions are very difficult.  For me, my uBPD mom will always try and suck me into her problems with the hope that I will take care of her, be her therapist, and coddle her.  These kinds of episodes frequently turned into a situation where I had to act like her parent, therapist, and spouse all in one- when none of those roles are appropriate.  And then, after I put all of my effort into helping her she would often turn on me or be ungrateful.  Yet, she will actively try and engage my in this cycle time and time again.  I finally had to put up firm boundaries.  When she calls or emails with a problem and wants advice or wants me to help her, I always respond with, "I can't help you with that."  "I don't know what to tell you about that."  And if she pushes the issue, I have had to remind her that she is a capable adult who can manage herself just fine.  She gets upset, but I just simply can't put myself through that anymore.  The bottom line is that I am NOT her parent and it is not my job to take care of her in these ways. It is also not my fault that she makes bad choices and searches out situations to play the waif/hermit.   

I hope things settle down with you.  Good luck!

[AbbyNormal]

Hi all,

Thanks for the replies. It helps and I really appreciate hearing from each of you. The respite I usually take during the bouts of silent treatment was cut short because there was another incident. She wanted to tell me how bad it is worse than she wanted to keep up the silent treatment. Again there was someone at the door in the wee hours of the morning and this time she called the police. I don't know why this would-be criminal would ring the door bell, of all things. It actually made me wonder if the story was even true. However, apparently there was someone who tried to break into the neighbor's house and they were scared away when the police arrived at my mom's house.

She has been inconsolable. She says no one could possibly understand what she's experiencing. How can I just stand by and not rush right out there to protect her? If it were her mother she would have done x,y,z because she was a "good" daughter. She says I need to pay for... . a lot... . security system, cameras, guard dog (designer guard dog, of course), new porch lighting, etc. This is the short version. As you all know, this has been a day packed with frantic email and calls, angry outbursts, aggression, and rage fits. SET has worked with limited success today but the name calling and sheer amount of patience it has taken to calmly reiterate my boundaries has been exhausting. And, today is my daughter's birthday and first day of school. Wowza. It's been a day!

Zone out--I'm glad to meet another only child on here. Keep in touch. I relate to the flat mood--and voice. My best friend reads my voice the same way. These episodes just drain the soul for however long. It's tough to recover.

UrsulaJane--oh, honey. When I read your post... . I don't know what to say. You're 60 and your BPD mom is 90? And she lives with you? God bless you. Keep fighting the good fight. I'd take you out for lunch if I could. You're an inspiration.

Finding Courage--You hit the nail on the head. My mother does expect me to wear all of those hats and she makes no bones about saying so. She thinks that's an absolutely reasonable request and I spent years trying to "live up" to what a daughter is "supposed" to be in her eyes. It's impossible. I agree about the boundaries. They're required and the only thing that keeps me sane sometimes.

I'm a little more upbeat tonight than I was during my first post. But, that's only because my beautiful girl turned 14 today.   She's growing up to be such a wonderful lady. Gives me hope.

[Finallyblooming]

Hi there,

sounds like your mom is pulling out all the stops to get you down there, good job on standing your ground. Happy Birthday to your daughter and congratulations to you on the anniversary of her birth.

[kindsoul]

I am very new to this site, but I can really feel your pain. Just having had a reaction to a similar interaction with my sister, I know that dizzy, shaking, fight or flight reaction so well. Very hard to recover from. I often will remind myself that I am not doing anything wrong. I am not that person that she describes me to be. I remind myself that her interpretation of any situation is flawed due to her mental illness. Breathe and remind yourself of all of the wonderful things you are... . great mother, good friend, and yes, amazing daughter for continuing to have a relationship with your mother. I pray that you and we all find peace.

[zone out]

Abby Normal - it sure is tough being the only child of a BPD mother - it would be great to have another family member to share experiences with.  I have noticed however when reading posts that even in larger families there is often a 'targeted' child.

My elderly mother is reporting hearing people talking around her house at night - I think a lot of it is imagined.  She claimed that she phoned the police one night after hearing voices and now she is of the impression that they check around her house regularly at night.  My fear is that she will suddenly decide that she cannot live in her current situation any longer and then what!  Is there any neighbourhood watch etc around the area that your mum lives in or any community services re security for elderly residents.  It would be worth exploring any possibilities that could shift the focus for a solution from your yourself.  That living on adrenaline, fight or flight response is very draining - really saps your energy.

Hope things improve, you are really going through it.

Zone Out

[AbbyNormal]

It's been a roller coaster of demands since I made this post. I happen to be house hunting right now and she's trying to attach herself to that. She's dropping a lot of hints about wanting to move in with me. She tells me to make sure there's room for her at whatever home I choose. She even said today she'd just love to move right in, put her feet up, and ring a bell anytime she needed something. Did I mention she wanted the master bedroom>   She said it'd be wonderful to have my kids there to do anything she wanted. Just the thought of that was nearly enough to evoke the same reaction I wrote about earlier.

Living in another state is something I need. It's a boundary I need. Remember on The Wizard of Oz when the witch tried to take the shoes off of Dorothy's feet and she got zapped? And then, Glenda the good witch tells her she has no power here. I love that. That's the place I've created here. "Silly witch, you have no power here." I don't want her here. I know someday her final care may fall on me because I'm an only child but that time isn't now. She is 70 but is healthy and perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Thanks for all of your support. It helps a lot.

[MammaMia]

Abby

I am sorry for the turmoil.  Parents just love to pile on the guilt sometimes.

Does your mother have any friends who might help her?  Perhaps she needs a live in companion or would feel safer in an assisted living situation.  She might not like that idea but she would have someone there to help her deal with her fears.  She may be lonely as well as disordered.

I think you are correct about boundaries and in your case would recommend extreme caution about having her live with you.  

[zone out]

Abby Normal

Keep a cool head and read everything you can about FOG - these references she is making about moving in are disturbing ... . if this is the behaviour she is hinting at now, just think what she could have up her sleeve if she actually did move in.  There must be some other solution, assisted living etc etc.  If you are tempted to weaken just think of your children and what they would have to go through.  I grew up with an elderly difficult grandparent in the home and things were stressful to say the least (add into the mix an upbd mother). 

My mother is currently busying herself thinking all manner of peculiar things to fuss and agitate about - then I get the phone call! sometimes several times a day.  Bad enough to be leaping out of my skin every time the phone rings but if she was living with me I just don't know how I would cope.

Good luck with your house hunting, that is stressful enough in itself.

Zone out