Dropped hints..or words to notice BPD behavior

[Depression = 72% of members]

"and always feeling guilty for falling short of expectations... . "

YES. Mine was the exact same way. I would try to wait out or solve a communication problem between us (usually me being unable to read him and his constantly shifting boundaries/opinions/goals) and when I finally would break and say I felt lost and distant from him, it would ALWAYS shift back to HIS feelings... . "oh poor me, I can never do anything right! I will never be good enough for you! I will never meet your expectations!" as if my expectations were huge and unrealistic! How many of you out there found yourself apologizing for simply (and even gently!) bringing up something THEY did that hurt YOU?

I found this from 2009... . And it hit me smack dab in the face so much that I need to post on it.  I know this is old but it was a light blab moment for me.  So I needed to post.

My ex used to say these exact words along with the his famous " I'm sorry I can't convey to your needs... . like respect, communication, value and an emotional connection was unreasonable needs to ask for... but I always felt guilty that maybe perhaps I was being over bearing or perhaps I was this over demanding person!

So my questions is this.  How come the words they say, or the hints of their BPD never sounded off the BPD bell in my brain?  I mean 6 years and it took me this long to recognize that all those words, all those accusations of never being good enough was just one big guilt trip?  How come I could decipher sooner that it wasn't me but HIS issues... . I feel so duped!

[Notthesame64]

"and always feeling guilty for falling short of expectations... . "

YES. Mine was the exact same way. I would try to wait out or solve a communication problem between us (usually me being unable to read him and his constantly shifting boundaries/opinions/goals) and when I finally would break and say I felt lost and distant from him, it would ALWAYS shift back to HIS feelings... . "oh poor me, I can never do anything right! I will never be good enough for you! I will never meet your expectations!" as if my expectations were huge and unrealistic! How many of you out there found yourself apologizing for simply (and even gently!) bringing up something THEY did that hurt YOU?

I found this from 2009... . And it hit me smack dab in the face so much that I need to post on it.  I know this is old but it was a light blab moment for me.  So I needed to post.

My ex used to say these exact words along with the his famous " I'm sorry I can't convey to your needs... . like respect, communication, value and an emotional connection was unreasonable needs to ask for... but I always felt guilty that maybe perhaps I was being over bearing or perhaps I was this over demanding person!

So my questions is this.  How come the words they say, or the hints of their BPD never sounded off the BPD bell in my brain?  I mean 6 years and it took me this long to recognize that all those words, all those accusations of never being good enough was just one big guilt trip?  How come I could decipher sooner that it wasn't me but HIS issues... . I feel so duped!

[Notthesame64]

I don't mean to back to back post but I guess what upsetting me most is that all these signs, hints were there all along... and for nearly 6 years I let it become about me... think I was the one who was pushing, asking for to much.  Always being the r/s cheerleader.  I know my part... I know my mistakes.  But 6 years? Another marriage that I swore was the last! All the recycling? The agony of trying to keep him happy and loved and wanted?  MAN...

[Gaslit]

Notthesame64, because maybe deep inside you, all this is vaguely familiar to you. Maybe you were brought up to accept this behavior, or to look past it.

For me, it became more and more familiar, the more I dug in my mind.

[Notthesame64]

Boy gaslit... bingo

I remember what my T told me awhile ago... she said it was like a moth drawn to the fire.  Meaning the words and feelings he was giving me felt very familiar to my past... as a child, and I was drawn to him because it was such a familiar feeling.  But of course I suppressed all those memories so, i never could connect the dots while I was with him... . I can't make a professional diagnosis, but I believe my mother suffered from BPD as well.

If that was what you were referring too... good answer.

[Gaslit]

Exactly!

And what I have found then is that the pain, or loss, or sadness, isn't really them. They just represent it. They brought it to the surface, and we didn't even know it was there.

Why this matters is that really knowing this (for me anyway), helps me to detach any sad feelings I feel -- because they are not really sad feeling because of the BPD, they are from us, from our past. So even if the BPD could (they can't), going to the BPD to "fix" these feeling doesn't work. They just keep us stuck in these feelings. BPDs make our feeling worse with their actions.

When we truly move on from those feelings (the abandonment depression that user 2010 used to talk about), we will not only come out a more rounded person, but we will be over our exes as well.

A win win! But we have to allow ourselves to feel, and to understand, and to finally move on.

p.s. Read everything 2010 wrote on this forum. Start from her first posts and read all the way through.

[Notthesame64]

Thank you and I will definitely check it out.

[mcc503764]

"and always feeling guilty for falling short of expectations... . "

it wasn't me but HIS issues... . I feel so duped!

My Dear Jesus... . the # of times that MY feelings were always turned and manipulated into something about HER!

Until I came to the reality that in their mind, it it ALWAYS about them!  They are NOT capable of a normal emotional thought process... . IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THEM AND THEIR NEEDS... . Plain and simple, that is the harsh reality of the situation!

You CANNOT ever "win" with them, or speak to them on a rational level.  We have to accept that!

In their minds they are not "loveable," and therefore are INCAPABLE of accepting any of our efforts. For me, that was the most maddening aspect of that r/s.  It's like trying to break through a brick wall using your head?  At the end of the day, you realize that it's just not going to happen, you realize that the pain associated with it is too great.

So, in order to save your self, you walk away and stop trying!

Just my experience

MCC

[OTH]

I don't mean to back to back post but I guess what upsetting me most is that all these signs, hints were there all along... and for nearly 6 years I let it become about me... think I was the one who was pushing, asking for to much.  Always being the r/s cheerleader.  I know my part... I know my mistakes.  But 6 years? Another marriage that I swore was the last! All the recycling? The agony of trying to keep him happy and loved and wanted?  MAN...

All along? Why ignore them? That is your decision not his. Why him? What next?