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Octoberfest
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« on: August 14, 2013, 08:42:30 PM » |
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Hey guys. I was doing some poking around the site and found a piece that I wanted to share with some of you. Like many others here I fell into the trap of wanting to be the one to "save" my BPDex gf. I had heard her history and it was nothing but abuse and misery, and I desperately wanted to be the one to change all of that. Even going past that, I found that I was trying to shoulder her burdens, as if ME hurting about them would somehow help her.
It has been a long road to recovery for me, one that has been aided in part by several people on this board. I owe them more than they will ever know, but rather than send them a quick note of thanks and depart on my way, I think the best way to thank them is to carry their guidance and wisdom forward, while contributing my own in order to help others, just like I was helped.
I found this piece in one of the Newbie introduction threads. It was posted by my fellow ambassador mamachelle, so big thanks to her for it!
THE BRIDGE - A METAPHOR
"The Bridge"
There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted
from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had
experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his
share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see
clearly where he wanted to go.
Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he
came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his
strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly
blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not
wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it
were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not
come again.
Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he
wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his
heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found
renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth
returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from
their long-dormant positions.
Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the
middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order
to protect it from the floods of spring.
He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the
opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though
the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly,
however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed
similarly except for something tied around his waist.
When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what
the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around
him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length
of 30 feet.
The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were
coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so
kind as to hold the end a moment?"
Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he
agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.
"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and
remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.
Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the ropes
length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull.
Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the
side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and
after having caught his breath, looked down at the other
dangling, close to oblivion.
"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.
"Just hold tight," said the other.
"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul
the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as
though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope
had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they
created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the
other back to safety.
"Why did you do this?" the man called out.
"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."
"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.
"I am your responsibility," said the other.
"Well, I did not ask for it," the man said.
"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.
He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How
long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him
now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined
the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some
protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the
railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces
between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound
burden, even temporarily.
"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.
"Just your help," the other answered.
"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to
tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."
"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope
around your waist; it will be easier."
Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied
the rope around his waist.
"Why did you do this?" he asked again. ":)on't you see what you
have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"
"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."
What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I
let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward
my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt
me forever."
With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump
off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this
fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a
choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"
As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of
decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own
goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was
already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible
choice to have to make.
A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this
other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten
the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and
again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do
it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it
still and steady.
"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you."
And he explained his plan.
But the other wasn't interested.
"You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by
myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."
"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I
die."
The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or
this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in
fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional
way of thinking.
"I want you to listen to me carefully," he said, "because I mean
what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice
for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your
own life I hereby give back to you."
"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.
"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends.
I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring
yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began
unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew
against the side.
"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would
not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so
important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."
He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.
"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.
--From "FRIEDMAN'S FABLES" by Edwin Friedman,
published by Guilford Press
The whole thing is pretty powerful, but there are a few lines that really stick out and wow me.
I will not accept the position of choice
for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your
own life I hereby give back to you."
simply, it's up to you
"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.
I discussed with my therapist during one session how I seemed to be carrying my BPDex's burdens and hurt for her. How I was trying to shoulder her pain, and how much I was hurting because of it. She told me, "Close your eyes and imagine a scenario in your head where you are giving your BPDex's burdens back to her. You are telling her, 'I respect you enough to give you back your own pain'".
I am not sure if these things will resonate with you as they have with me, but they have helped me to see independence as an option again. I think many times what makes walking away from our BPD SO so difficult is that we feel as though we are abandoning a responsibility, the most important kind, that of a person who relies on us. We must understand that these people... . ARE people. Who are capable, and MUST, make their own decisions.
I go back to college in two days. I have been thinking about what I might say if my BPDex were to ever show up a party I was at or otherwise and try to engage me. Today, the following came to me:
"I am moving forward. I am at peace with myself for the things that I did or did not do in that relationship. You are the one who has to live with the things that you did. You have to live with the fact that you CHOSE to lie to and to cheat on a man for 9 months who loved you with his whole heart, who did not abuse you, sexually, physically, or mentally, who was faithful, and more genuine than anyone you have ever met before. My conscience is clear".
And it is clear. :)ealing with pain that my BPDex caused me through her actions has been hell. But if I had to answer to myself, for things that I did wrong during that relationship, it would be the end of me. There is no worse person in the world to fail than yourself. I can say that I did not give my number out to other girls, did not text other girls, did not hang out with other girls, and did not cheat on my BPDex. I lived up to the expectations that I held for myself, and for that I have nothing to be sorry for. What my BPDex chose to do is something she has to answer for, not me.
It is incredibly liberating guys. I know it feels like many of you are in hell right now. I have been there, and I know that it hurts. Badly. But it does get better. I can tell you that I NEVER thought I would be able to walk around without a dark cloud hanging over me, but I am now. There are still a few twinges of hurt or pain, and I think that there will be for awhile. Certain words or things that remind us of our BPDex's and some hurt associated with them... . but those too shall fade.
Ultimately, our BPDex's have their own lives to live and their own choices to make. Often they are awful, destructive choices that bring pain both to themselves and others. But their choices do not have to be our choices, and the way they live their lives does not have to be the way that we live ours. For that, we should be ever so grateful.
I have used an expression several times on here, one that some of you may have seen me use, but I have never explained it. I have said, "So the flaming ferris wheel spins".
To me, this is pretty iconic symbolism... . I imagine myself somewhere, a mile or more away at night when it is dark, and looking over to see a ferris wheel, the carriages awash in flame... . still spinning though. It stands out against the night sky and almost hypnotizes you... .
To me it speaks of my BPDex's life. Around the carriages go, but they are always on fire... . And strangely, the ferris wheel never falls apart or crumbles. It doesn't burn away... . but the flames are as real as ever, and it is destined to spin, in flames, forever. There is no respite, nothing to put out the flames. I imagine my time with my BPDex as though I was riding in one of those carriages... . From my perspective, all I saw was the fire in the carriage around me. In reality, there is another carriage in front of me, and a whole trail of them behind me, and they are all in flames too. There is not a carriage(i.e. a relationship) that is not in flames.
That all may mean nothing to you, but I personally enjoy symbolism at times
I hope that the metaphor that I posted helps some of you. It is pretty powerful in my opinion.
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