My husband lectures me

[wishfulthinking]

Just curious... .

My uBPDh takes FOREVER to discuss something he deems as an issue or offensive.  If he thinks I blinked wrong then he needs to tell me about it so I don't do it anymore.  These corrections (in his mind, my mind calls them sermons) last at LEAST half an hour.  He had me standing outside Menards yesterday for 45 minutes over I can't even remember what... . I think I coughed or something, .  He can go and chew me out for an hour and then rehash it later in the day for another hour.  How long is average for you folks?  NOW, I'm not talking rages, just when they are calm but still offended by your heartbeat or something.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

I wouldn't stick around to listen to it.

[Want2know]

I do understand your frustration with your spouse.  I think the key question here is what do you want to do about it?

There are a few points in the 'Who Should Post' thread here on the Staying board that are important to remember:

If you are in toxic gridlock... . meaning that you have given up trying to work with your partner and/or find it pointless please post on the Leaving or Undecided boards.

Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner without seeking constructive relationship advice.  We are here to find solutions.  It is a given that  our partners are difficult.

So, in this case, is this a behavior that you have given up on trying to work through?  Are you just looking to vent?  Or are you looking for solutions?

[wishfulthinking]

Venting and wondering about solutions at the same time.  Seeing what other people have experienced and how maybe they have dealt with it.  I don't plan on ending it unless he gets 100% out of control or violent or cheats.  So, I need to figure out what has helped others since it's new to me.

[Want2know]

So, I need to figure out what has helped others since it's new to me.

I appreciate that you are new to this.  It takes practice. 

Asking "How long is average for you folks?" is not really asking for solutions.  I hope you are not offended by my directness.  I do want to try and help you get the answers you need instead of responses that will just pile onto your frustration.

So, perhaps a better question would be "what are some solutions that have worked for those who have experienced this?" - does that make sense?

[wishfulthinking]

Yes, it makes sense.  I'm sorry.  I try to search things before I post and I didn't get a good posting on that topic.  I read other things that people post, as well.  I will rephrase in the future unless you can help me edit the post now? I'm not sure how to... .

[Want2know]

No need to edit... . let's just go from here. 

What is your boundary when it comes to him providing constructive feedback on your behavior?

[wishfulthinking]

I have no boundary as of yet.  Not sure how to go about setting it.  I did tell him yesterday I'm tired of hearing about things day after day.  I think he listened, but he still chastized me at Menards.  He was decent yesterday and he wasn't yelling so I did let him yap.  Once I answered a bit huffy on one of my "Yes" answers and he asked why and I just said because I get what you are saying and I'd like to get going... . he got a little huffy, but we got to leave.

SadWife, I bet you are right about having the other options and how do you react to his feedback?  Do you just let him go or set a timer or how do you approach it?

[Want2know]

I have no boundary as of yet. 

Here is a tidbit of information from this thread:  BOUNDARIES - Living our values

Boundaries    Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious - we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

As Skip mentions, Boundaries are value based.  I chose this quote, in particular, as I'm thinking that perhaps the value that would underlie your boundary, regarding your specific situation in this thread, would be respect.

Do you feel disrespected when he talking to you in this manner?

It would be good to take a look through some the highlighted thread on boundaries, and let us know what your thoughts are regarding your situation.

[wishfulthinking]

I do feel disrespected. He talks to me as if I'm a child being berated for something.  Over and over and over on the same topic. Something I would just say... . hey, when you blah blah, it makes me feel blah blah or causes blah blah, so if you could just blah blah in the future... . great.  He will go OVER and OVER and OVER the same thing.  It gets to the point of OK DROP IT! I UNDERSTOOD THE HORRIBLE INJUSTICE TO YOU HALF AN HOUR AGO!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi lostinparadise

I get that it's frustrating and that you feel disrespected. I think anyone would in your situation.

Here's the thing, though. Nothing changes without change, as UnitedForNow always points out.

If he has BPD he is not likely to change on his own. So if you want a different reaction and behaviour from him, you must change. It's on you, now. This is hard, but we're here with you all the way!

So how about you think about what boundary you would like to enforce when it comes to this problem, then start a new thread introducing your boundary and see what feedback you get? It's a good place to start.

[wishfulthinking]

Thanks Scarlet Phoenix!  I'll give it some thought and do that!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

 

[wooddrop]

Im new and this is also something I experience. He latches on to a topic obviously something Ive disappointrd him in,  conceived or imagined. I dont know if this is correct and looking for answers but sometimes I can stop his roll by turning things around. Its manipulative and I dont want to have to constantly be thinking of ways to snap him around in this manner. He never wants to b perceived as being a bad guy and I often feel like a adult scolding a child but most times it works. I tell him omg I fell for a good guy now I got this bad guy and hes yellings and bein obnoxious and I didnt want this kinda guy, I got a bad guy. This usually slows or stops his roll and I will only say it when Im quite finished with hearing his verbal assaults. It seems like a game and I really want some other way to handle his tirades instead of making him feel hes got to defend his actions by sayin  " Im not a bad guy". Hes got a bad illness that makes him do some crappy stuff to me for sure, but in there is the person I want to see more often. Possible?

[Someday . . .]

hmmmm, this thread is so interesting.  I'm wondering something and would love for an ambassador or someone very knowledgeable to respond.  When I was growing up my father had some sort of mental illness and I was wondering if he was an undiagnosed BPD or if it was PTSD from WW2 (he did have a very bad experience in the war).  He would NEVER let go of a topic.  In fact he was quite abusive to my mother.  Example:  apparently when my mom and dad were dating, my mom was dating another guy also.  When I graduated from high school (the last of three kids and 28 years after they had been married), my dad would not let this topic go for FIVE years.  He was unrelentless in talking about it morning, noon, and night.  Another example would be, let's say, a neighbors dog came through our yard, once again, he would go on and on and on and on about it.  Any topic was 'hashed and rehashed' over and over again.  So, is not letting a topic go characteristic of a male with BPD?  My daughter is a diagnosed BPD and was wondering if she could have genetically gotten it from him?  My oldest sister has severe schizophrenia, my mother suffered from horrible, debilitating depression (my dad did not help obviously), and my middle sister could qualify for 3 out of the nine criteria for BPD (and those 3 did impact her life - anorexia, no sense of self, unstable relationships).  But, I have thought about this many times, if what my dad had could have been BPD (or a major PTSD)?  Any comments are welcome.

[GreenMango]

This is a two part problem.  One part the person with BPD.  The other part our reaction.

Redefining what's acceptable, and what isn't, and how to handle it is the only thing you can control.  Be overly accomodating to a barrage of verbal criticism isn't okay in my book.  Half of that is communicating it effectively and following through consistently.  Intermittent reinforcement only makes this stuff worse.

We teach people how to treat us.  And wrapping your head around this illness can be very difficult.  It important to get abreast of the disorder, the proven techniques from the lessons, and our own weakness that need strengthening.

Why do you feel the need to endure these corrections?

[Chosen]

I can soo relate to your post.  I suppose your post search might have brought up my past posts too.

Thing is, it's easier to realise that you're getting nowhere with any type of conversation when your H is raging, when they're obviously "out there".  But with lectures it's much harder, and I have tried to walk away or something but that just launches another lecture about how he can't even express himself calmly 

What I do now is to have a very consistent response (in tone, wording, attitude).  Say he says "You are using the wrong tone."  You may not feel you are but JADEing doesn't help.  What I may do is "Hmm.  Maybe you're right.  I will watch my tone when I speak."  He is almost never satisfied with that, since he wants an apology from me.  Then he will probe further.  I will just repeat "Yes.  I will watch my tone when I speak."  when he brings it up again and again.  Like kind of a computerised response.  If I try to even change my wordings or elaborate a bit, he will feel that his lecturing has worked because it got some extra information from my side. 

Mind you, my husband can easily lecture me for a few hours, but it's the same thing.  So I have to keep on repeating it and eventually he slows down his asking frequency and stops.  If at any point I start JADEing then I undo the work and he may rage.  I have find no way to completely stop him from lecturing me, but at least now it leads to less rages.  So I suppose that's a bit of an improvement.