Do BPD ever seek help? Are ther ways to nuge them to?

[Cipher13]

Curious if anyone has had there pwBPD get to a point where they realize they need help. Or is there ways that you can nuge them in that direction? I am wondering this becasue the last few weeks I think my W is struggling more in her head about things more than usuall. She is questioning more why she feels so stongly one way while I am telling her that its not true or its not that way at all.  Years of that has got to tax a person.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Yes, sometimes they do. My dBPDbf is one of them. There isn't much you can do to nudge her in that direction. It really should come from her, or it won't reallly stick. Have you seen Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment ?

So what's more important is that you stay a grounded and a calm force. If you don't follow her into dysregulation, she might see that she her reactions are over the top or not in tune with the situation.

Where are you in your personal development regarding acceptance, boundaries, mindfulness etc?

[Cipher13]

Not sure what you mean bu acceptance. I accept she has a mental illness she can't help. Boundaries I am lost. I don't know if I have too many areas where I need boundaries in the true sence.  Validatione has not worked and I have tied for a while.  I am stand in up more for my personal well being mentally more oftern but that causes turmoil. Of which I try my best to stay the cousre. Normally I collapse and become ball of mushy "I'll do what every you want just don't be mad at me anymore".

I'm not good with confruntations. I do not lash out I cave and apease.  I have always struggled with that. I am doing a little better. She is a very powerful manipulator of guilt at times.

[momtara]

Yes, I did, by filing for divorce.  Then he got therapy but he would only acknowledge that he was sick and not own up to all the lies, etc.  So I stuck to the divorce and then he admitted everything to his therapist and has been trying to come home.   He lost a nice wife and family so there are incentives for him to get better.  But he still slips into his old ways.  This doesn't work with everyone anyway.

[Cipher13]

I'm sorry it had to go to that for you. Thats kind of where I feel its at for me.  :'(

[Scarlet Phoenix]

It seems to me that you could use some boundaries for when you stand up for yourself and "that causes turmoil". From what you're writing, she's steamrolling all over your boundaries, meaning they are soft.

It can be very helpful to take a concrete example of where you tried to stand up for yourself and you finally caved and post that with comments on how you could have done differently and what your boundary is in that situation - whether it's about the words she uses or her tone of voice or disrespect or... .

What do you think, sounds like something you could start a new thread on?

And do the same with a situation where you tried using validation and it didn't work out. It can be a bit tricky to get hang of, but when done correctly it really can help a lot.

How about starting one new thread for each of those two topics? I think it could be a great learning experience. I've learned a lot from posting concrete examples and asking for help on applying the tools to them.

[lisichka]

that's what it took for my husband to seek help. I wasn't filing for divorce, but i'd spoken of it. It wasn't just the problems with me of course, but also those with himself. He felt stuck with no way out, so he arranged his first appointment with a psychiatrist/psychologist. What's funny is that after 5 months he still has not fully opened up to her, he's not shared about important events that totally determine the way he is now, and why everything is aggravated by PTSD (which the doctors have figured out that he has, but don't know what from).

first couple of appointments he only talked to the psych about how he's stressed over work and cannot sleep because of work commitments. Go figure!

[momtara]

Mine was diagnosed with ptsd too.  Maybe that's a way of avoiding BPD, or maybe there are real causes.  Anyway, it is a shame it had to go to divorce for him to confront his problems.  The sad part is, I am continuing with the divorce, and he is going back to his old self.  I wish I could have 'fixed' him permanently and let him move back in and given him the incentive to change.  I just don't have the confidence that it will be long-term.

[lostandunsure]

My wife knows she needs help... . She's known for a long time and has been in all kinds of therapy trying to get it. She has a hard time making friends, she sees, after the fact, that she doesn't support me as much as I support her, and that she doesn't behave in social situations the way other people do. Unfortunately, I think (and she agrees) that she has been mis-diagnosed and the therapy eventually turns into "talking over coffee" type sessions, instead of getting anything done.

Recently, she's come to realize and accept that she might have a larger disorder than "depression" and so I've been able to do more research and pointed her in the direction of BPD.

I think one of the big reasons why my wife is open to the idea that she needs help is that something (and I think it's BPD) runs in her family and her mother has been through all kinds of treatment herself (though she is also undiagnosed), so that kind of legitimizes the need for mental health... . Also, she recognizes that her mother's first marriage failed due to her mother's mental instability and doesn't want to lose me over the same issue, so it plays into the abandonment component of BPD. So, in my wife's case, the thought of losing me is worse than the pain of admitting that she needs help.

I think that not wanting to get help, or not wanting to admit that they need help in that situation, plays directly into two major fears for pwBPD. If they are diagnosed with BPD, that suddenly the non in the relationship can and will either blame them for everything and have the diagnosis to back them up (they can't stand being wrong), or leave them because the non doesn't want to deal with someone with such a disorder (abandonment issue). So, it's very difficult for them in a lot of cases to open themselves up to those fears and say "I have BPD".