Why do WE need therapists?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I read a post earlier today, about a visit to a therapist, and thought about it during the day. When I came to this forum, it struck me that so many people visit a therapist and I wondered if that is perhaps more regular in America? I got the impression - but please correct me if I'm wrong! - that perhaps for Americans therapists are perceived more as providing a service, say, like hair dressers or taxi drivers? More neutral, that is, whereas in my country the general thought is that you only visit a therapist if something is (seriously) wrong with you.

I don't see it like that myself, but I am hesitant about therapy for myself for this situation. For several reasons. My situation, like all of yours, is so agonising, party because we can't understand it. But that is the whole point! Behaviour of BPD-people is irrational, because that's just the core of their disorder: they can be so overwhelmed with their own emotions, lacking the ability to detach themselves from their feelings and emotions, and to behave logical, sensible, rational. With us, 'normal' people, if we get caught up in a negative feeling, we can stop to think, analyse and regulate: what is is that I am feeling: am I angry, jealous, is it frustration... ? Is it valid to feel this way, or am I actually working something off on him/her? What is the best way to act?

But they can’t. I imagine it must be like if we are having a high fever or a really bad headache and someone comes up to us to complain about something trivial. Our reaction would not be so polite or empathic then either!

As soon as I understood that it is feelings that drive his behaviour and not ratio, it all made a lot more sense to me. But the conclusion is, that he does things that are difficult to understand. By definition!

Furthermore, this makes it all so unjust and sad. Look at all our stories on this forum, so many good and loving and caring people, and what do we get? Pain, resentment, false accusations, threats, abuses of all kinds... . And for no reason! That’s so unfair! We don't deserve this!

And what do they do? They close their curtains, give you a blank stare, silence you to death, go out partying, jump into bed with someone else, even right in front of you... . Everything but taking you and the love you had seriously.

This causes a lot of grief. We get damaged by someone we loved and trusted, who was so near to us, with whom we’ve shared deep and intimate moments, and o such intense moments! Often enough we got a blow just out of the blue, we didn’t see it coming at all. That certaintly shook our faith and trust in our fellow men! We grieve for dreams that got shattered, for hopes that fell flat, for Deep Loves that got lost... .

So my question is, how can therapists help with this? To be sure, this is not a cynical question but one of genuine interest.

Of course, in some cases, people get caught up in affairs with BPD-persons for the 'wrong' reasons: the initial admiration is so flattering, their enthusiasm fills up an empty space in our souls, etc. Then surely therapy will be beneficial by finding out more about one's own behaviour and motivations, and find a way to handle things better. But often enough, it happens to strong and stable personalities. Or is the desire to be with a BPD-person always an indication that something is ‘wrong’ with you?

Can therapists help us to understand something that is not understandable?

Can therapists help us to alleviate our grief? Or is grief only a very natural process in these situations, only to worry about if it sticks with us for a very long time? And wouldn’t for instance a priest be of more comfort?

Does visiting a therapist imply that there is something wrong with us? And will that not make us feel even worse? Isn’t it like ‘blaming the victim’? After all, we don’t need to scrutinise our psyche if we get run over by a car, do we?

Again, it’s with genuine interest that I ask these questions. If I give the wrong impression, it will be because English is not my mother tongue, and writing about delicate subjects as these can be tricky then.

[Jonie]

I read a post earlier today, about a visit to a therapist, and thought about it during the day. When I came to this forum, it struck me that so many people visit a therapist and I wondered if that is perhaps more regular in America? I got the impression - but please correct me if I'm wrong! - that perhaps for Americans therapists are perceived more as providing a service, say, like hair dressers or taxi drivers? More neutral, that is, whereas in my country the general thought is that you only visit a therapist if something is (seriously) wrong with you.

I don't see it like that myself, but I am hesitant about therapy for myself for this situation. For several reasons. My situation, like all of yours, is so agonising, party because we can't understand it. But that is the whole point! Behaviour of BPD-people is irrational, because that's just the core of their disorder: they can be so overwhelmed with their own emotions, lacking the ability to detach themselves from their feelings and emotions, and to behave logical, sensible, rational. With us, 'normal' people, if we get caught up in a negative feeling, we can stop to think, analyse and regulate: what is is that I am feeling: am I angry, jealous, is it frustration... ? Is it valid to feel this way, or am I actually working something off on him/her? What is the best way to act?

But they can’t. I imagine it must be like if we are having a high fever or a really bad headache and someone comes up to us to complain about something trivial. Our reaction would not be so polite or empathic then either!

As soon as I understood that it is feelings that drive his behaviour and not ratio, it all made a lot more sense to me. But the conclusion is, that he does things that are difficult to understand. By definition!

Furthermore, this makes it all so unjust and sad. Look at all our stories on this forum, so many good and loving and caring people, and what do we get? Pain, resentment, false accusations, threats, abuses of all kinds... . And for no reason! That’s so unfair! We don't deserve this!

And what do they do? They close their curtains, give you a blank stare, silence you to death, go out partying, jump into bed with someone else, even right in front of you... . Everything but taking you and the love you had seriously.

This causes a lot of grief. We get damaged by someone we loved and trusted, who was so near to us, with whom we’ve shared deep and intimate moments, and o such intense moments! Often enough we got a blow just out of the blue, we didn’t see it coming at all. That certaintly shook our faith and trust in our fellow men! We grieve for dreams that got shattered, for hopes that fell flat, for Deep Loves that got lost... .

So my question is, how can therapists help with this? To be sure, this is not a cynical question but one of genuine interest.

Of course, in some cases, people get caught up in affairs with BPD-persons for the 'wrong' reasons: the initial admiration is so flattering, their enthusiasm fills up an empty space in our souls, etc. Then surely therapy will be beneficial by finding out more about one's own behaviour and motivations, and find a way to handle things better. But often enough, it happens to strong and stable personalities. Or is the desire to be with a BPD-person always an indication that something is ‘wrong’ with you?

Can therapists help us to understand something that is not understandable?

Can therapists help us to alleviate our grief? Or is grief only a very natural process in these situations, only to worry about if it sticks with us for a very long time? And wouldn’t for instance a priest be of more comfort?

Does visiting a therapist imply that there is something wrong with us? And will that not make us feel even worse? Isn’t it like ‘blaming the victim’? After all, we don’t need to scrutinise our psyche if we get run over by a car, do we?

Again, it’s with genuine interest that I ask these questions. If I give the wrong impression, it will be because English is not my mother tongue, and writing about delicate subjects as these can be tricky then.

[left4good]

I think, Don't know for sure, that the idea is that if You've found yourself in a relationship with a pwBPD that there is a probability that you yourself might have some inner issues that need working on. 

Left

[gallerykey]

I have only seem my therapist a few times due to finances or i would be going more frequently.

I can learn and keep learning about my ex BPD to try and understand why he did what he did, why he is the way he is, will hopefully one day come to acceptanceof it all. But, for me i need to learn why and how i allowed it to happen to me. I obviously have co dep issues or something or i never would of continued the rs at the first red flag. I allowed him to lie, treat me with no respect, to shout at me for no reason, to manipulate me, to cause complete chaos to my otherwise organised life, to cause me complete upset and heartache, and allowed him to do this time and time and time again. I have never allowed this before or needed to allow this before.

My therapist is for ME, to help ME heal. He had his therapist but chose to not engage and then not bother at all but that was his choice and only he can choose to improve his life. As i have chosen to improve mine. I dont want to make this choice of partner again and know at this stage i probably would as the intensity of it all again would be a magnet. I want and need to be ME again.

[causticdork]

Can therapists help us to understand something that is not understandable?

Can therapists help us to alleviate our grief? Or is grief only a very natural process in these situations, only to worry about if it sticks with us for a very long time? And wouldn’t for instance a priest be of more comfort?

Does visiting a therapist imply that there is something wrong with us? And will that not make us feel even worse? Isn’t it like ‘blaming the victim’? After all, we don’t need to scrutinise our psyche if we get run over by a car, do we?

I can give you my answers to these questions, though I'm sure others on the board might have a different take on it:

Can they help us understand?  Sure, but unless we're planning on trying to work things out with our partners, we'd get a lot more out of therapy if we focused more on trying to understand ourselves and process our grief.  

Can they help with grief? Absolutely!  They don't have a magic pill that makes the pain go away, but they can help you to understand and accept the grief and then move on with your life instead of getting stuck in your pain.  We are all going to grieve, but there are ways of grieving that are healthier than others, and that's where therapy can be helpful.  

Would a priest be more comfort?  Maybe. If you happen to belong to a church (a lot us don't) and you have a priest who is skilled in human relations and talking someone through the grieving process.  If you have a priest, and you find that talking to him makes you feel better, then that's great.  Everyone's process is different.  :)o what makes you feel better.

Visiting a therapist implies that we want to be happier, healthier people.  There used to be a stigma on seeking mental health, but these days in The States (I'm not sure where else, can only speak for what I know) it's pretty normal to see a therapist either for routine maintenance or to process a major trauma.  BPD relationships are much more intense and harder to break out of than regular relationships.  A lot of board members talk about experiencing PTSD after their relationship ended, and that's the sort of think a professional can help with.  The truth is, if we're finding ourselves in relationships with people who trample all over our boundaries and make us feel like we need to walk on eggshells there probably is something wrong with us.  The good news is that there's something wrong with everyone.  It's part of the human condition.  Figuring out what's wrong and how to fix it is a sign of maturity.  It shouldn't make you feel worse to evaluate your own core issues and work to overcome them.

If I got run over by a car that would be physical ailment, and I would have no issue going to see a physical therapist.  Getting run over by my BPDex is an emotional ailment, so I don't see why a regular therapist wouldn't be a great option in this case.

[Learning_curve74]

Can therapists help us to understand something that is not understandable?

Can therapists help us to alleviate our grief? Or is grief only a very natural process in these situations, only to worry about if it sticks with us for a very long time? And wouldn’t for instance a priest be of more comfort?

Does visiting a therapist imply that there is something wrong with us? And will that not make us feel even worse? Isn’t it like ‘blaming the victim’? After all, we don’t need to scrutinise our psyche if we get run over by a car, do we?

Why not see a therapist? If recovering from a relationship with a BPD were as simple as saying, "My ex is crazy, and I am now glad we have separated with no ill feelings," then there would be no need for therapy. Is this how anybody here feels?

There is a reason each of us stayed in an unhealthy relationship (or were fooled by the facade of a happy relationship). Just like a tennis or golf player may need a coach that can view their swing or stroke with an objective eye and with teaching experience, maybe a therapist can provide an objective outside viewpoint and also help us learn lessons about ourselves that we do not yet have the experience ourselves to understand.

Going to therapy doesn't mean I am choosing to "blame the victim", in fact, I do not wish to see myself as a hapless victim. Bad things can happen to anybody, and I am choosing to learn and grow from these experiences, to choose not to be a victim but somebody who is simply moving through life and learning and growing while doing so. 

[Undone123]

They help identify your own issues! If you have stayed and craved an abusive relationship, chances are you probably have some Most of us nons do

[Scout99]

Hi Jonie!

I see you have already gotten some good answers, so I will try not to repeat too much of their input. But since I like you am not American but myself from Europe, I can definitely see where your question is coming from. In the US the tradition of viewing mental health as equally important as physical, the acceptance and also the access to therapy is a lot easier there than in many other countries, where therapy often is only reserved for very mentally ill people. And the suspicion and prejudice about it is reflecting that fact. Usually the reason behind such restrictive policies is however mostly money, since therapy is a costly treatment, and in countries where health care is a part of the government provision, restriction usually comes from that. Having said that, the knowledge of the importance of and also gain from therapy is spreading, not in the least with all the research on stress and its effect on people, so I think there will be a change in the future on many places. Or at least I hope so... .

In situations where you have found yourself in a relationship with a person with for instance BPD, and you have still chosen to stay and try to make things work, even though common sense should perhaps have told you differently, there might in many cases be important to also shift focus from the disordered person and ask yourself some important questions about yourself, and why you chose to both engage in or try to accomplish a sort of "normal" relationship with a person who by definition is not normal... .

To put it bluntly one could say that unless you know from the start your partner to be is BPD and understand what that means in terms of what it will take from you to make such a relationship succeed, when it comes to what expectations that are plausible and what things you will not be able to get from such a relationship, then once you found out, your boundaries around yourself should really kick in and tell you it may not be good for you to continue on that route... .

But that is usually not the case for most people... . Instead most of us find yourself continuing to struggle with such a relationship without a clue as to what it means, and even when we find it out about the disorder, we either try to change the person and the relationship and turn them into normal, which is futile. Or we still choose to remain in it suffering but hoping that it will somehow magically change for the better by itself or through our love and care... . And in both those scenarios I think there are quite a few things that would be good to reflect over about our own part in the relationship through therapy - apart from handling grief from failing in such relationships... . In short, both of those scenarios are examples of very dysfunctional behaviour from a mental health perspective - even though it may not be dysfunctional enough to render a diagnose of some sort... . But sometimes that too is the case, since stress, fatigue or even depression and PTSD is common among people who have lived through abusive relationships with mentally disordered people. And all of it is not the disordered persons fault... .

The term it takes two to tango is very accurate when looking at relationships with pw BPD... .

In many cases the answer can be found in our learned behaviours. And some of our strategies or coping skills are often too a bit warped or at least from a psychological perspective not very healthy. And the bad thing about that is that we, like pw BPD tend to repeat the same dysfunctional pattern over and over unless we find them out and can choose to change our own behaviour... . In order to be able to create more healthy relationships for ourselves for the future and also perhaps change some of the ways we choose partners to engage in... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[TheDude]

I believe the terminology itself can lead to some confusion on this topic. By default, it seems most people refer to any form of psychological assistance as "therapy". There's therapy, and there's counseling. This isn't semantics - there's a very distinct separation in the definitions. Therapy refers to the treatment of a specific disease or disorder, while counseling deals with personal conflict and/or emotional issues.

Think of it this way - one would go to a counselor if the depression and anxiety from a break up becomes a problem. From there, if a counselor suspects an identifiable disorder or disease, it's off to a psychiatrist for conformation. If positive, THEN enter a therapist/therapy. While some counselors may be qualified as therapists, there really isn't any need to seek out therapy as a starting point. Counselors are more plentiful, accessible, and affordable anyway.

[Scout99]

I believe the terminology itself can lead to some confusion on this topic. By default, it seems most people refer to any form of psychological assistance as "therapy". There's therapy, and there's counseling. This isn't semantics - there's a very distinct separation in the definitions. Therapy refers to the treatment of a specific disease or disorder, while counseling deals with personal conflict and/or emotional issues.

Think of it this way - one would go to a counselor if the depression and anxiety from a break up becomes a problem. From there, if a counselor suspects an identifiable disorder or disease, it's off to a psychiatrist for conformation. If positive, THEN enter a therapist/therapy. While some counselors may be qualified as therapists, there really isn't any need to seek out therapy as a starting point. Counselors are more plentiful, accessible, and affordable anyway.

I think this varies from country to country... . So the terminology is probably not the same everywhere... .

In my country counselors are people with a degree in sociology and they work primarily in the field of social works, like conflict solving in families facing custody battles for instance. Or helping people with finding roof over their heads in times of financial crisis or dealing with people going back to work after long term sick leave... .

Here there are however different levels of psychotherapy, some trained in dealing with mental health issues like bipolar or different disorders and others family oriented therapy and some dealing with depression and phobias... . Just to name a few... .

Then there is the whole plethora of non governmentally endorsed coaches who can offer anything from councelling to new age stuff, that require no education whatsoever... .

And here depression for instance is considered a serious mental health issue. There are also coaches specialising in grief councelling but they are not either endorsed by the government... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Jonie]

Thanks all of you, for thinking about my question and posting a reply. The replies do seem to confirm that it’s more common, more ordinary, to visit a therapist in the US, and that the perception of therapy differs per country.

Most of you pointed out that therapy is about learning more about your own personality and trying to become healthier and happier persons. I did get that, of course  but I probably didn’t make that clear enough in my post. I still have some doubts and questions, though... .

But first of all, I do think that the care, publicity, understanding and acceptance for mental health issues should be the same as for physical health issues. In my country, people can freely talk about any health issue in public, but mentioning even the slightest mental problem causes a stigma. This should not be so!

On the other hand, I’m not sure if psychological therapy is the answer for all mental issues. Some issues have a sociological or cultural cause or component. And some issues just have to do with the facts of life – like the grief over the death of a beloved one. That’s why I mentioned the priest.

Also, therapy puts so much focus on the individual and on how he/she is dealing with life, and I wonder if this is fair. Human beings are foremost social beings; we’re not autonomous, but other people are inherently part of us. We form relationships with others, and our ‘selves’ are also formed by them. Being with my pwBPD changed me. Not just for the worse, but mainly for the better – which is the most important reason why I stayed.

Moreover, and that is actually my main concern, and I hope I can explain it well enough, I get the impression that therapy as it is brought forward here, is about training your personality to become better and better in dealing with life. I get the feeling there is an implicit concept of a sort of Ideal Personality we should all be having.

It’s like Causticdork said: “... . there probably is something wrong with us.  The good news is that there's something wrong with everyone”. I agree. But can’t we turn that image around? Can’t we say that everyone is OK, unless they have a distinct issue?

Having said that, some of you may argue that all of us here have distinct issues, as long as we wish to be in a relationship with a BPD – per definition. That is something I don’t agree with. I think many of us our normal, healthy people, who found themselves to be in a problematic relationship, and tried to understand and make things work. It shows we’re responsible, committed, caring, empathic, optimistic. Actually, I would be more suspicious to me if someone would end a relationship after spotting a first red flag or after a first boundary that got crossed.

Maybe I can explain my doubts better by comparing it with physical issues. There is a distinct trend in our country to improve your outer appearance by surgery: depilation of all bodily hair, face lifts, liposuction, fake fingernails, eye laser surgery, facial therapies, ... . At first these therapies were for people that had serious problems, but now more and more ‘normal’ people sign up for them. Of course you can argue that everyone has some physical trait that can be improved. But can’t we just say that everyone is beautiful? And find inspiration in a variety of physical traits?

[Clearmind]

A large part of the membership here are American.

I'm Australian and still see therapy as a necessary step to overcome the reasons why we enter these relationships. My sadness, hurt and anxiety drove me to therapy because I couldn't find the answers on my own. My family didn't understand and a therapists is impartial.

[Scout99]

On the other hand, I’m not sure if psychological therapy is the answer for all mental issues. Some issues have a sociological or cultural cause or component. And some issues just have to do with the facts of life – like the grief over the death of a beloved one. That’s why I mentioned the priest.

Well one could argue that some issues in society have sociological reasons, like how a country can fall victim under a dictatorship or how another creates a democracy... . But when it comes to our personal behaviors and how we deal with matters of the heart or our interpersonal relationships it has to do with us and can not be blamed on society or in fact not on other people either. Yes we are part of a sociological structure. But that can not be blamed for how we cope with difficult situations that we are faced with on a personal level... . Can you see a difference here?

And when it comes to mental health it has everything to do with our physical and mental structure, not structure of society. In essence. We can fall victims under a social structure, yes! But how we choose to handle it, cope with it and heal from it, is a matter of our mental health.

Also, therapy puts so much focus on the individual and on how he/she is dealing with life, and I wonder if this is fair. Human beings are foremost social beings; we’re not autonomous, but other people are inherently part of us. We form relationships with others, and our ‘selves’ are also formed by them. Being with my pwBPD changed me. Not just for the worse, but mainly for the better – which is the most important reason why I stayed.

Yes we are social beings, but we are still individuals in that fact. A social interaction between two or more people is still an interaction between the individuals. We are not, or at least should not be enmeshed in each other, but instead every one in the group should be able to see where I end and you begin... .

Yes we can form each other and affect each others outlook on life. And as long as it is not destructive to us it helps us grow. It is when we find ourselves over and over in destructive situations or relationships that don't help us grow but "help" us diminish ourselves and causes depression, anxiety and lingering grief, or when we can't seem to move on or when we start acting insane, like trying over and over to make something work that from an objective point of view can't. That is when we need therapy... .

The fact that you can look at your situation with your pwBPD and say that you have been mainly changed to the better is a result of self reflection, self therapy if you will. It is when we cannot come to that conclusion ourselves, but keep staying in the pain and grief of it all, and can't get out that we need therapy.

Moreover, and that is actually my main concern, and I hope I can explain it well enough, I get the impression that therapy as it is brought forward here, is about training your personality to become better and better in dealing with life. I get the feeling there is an implicit concept of a sort of Ideal Personality we should all be having.

It is not about becoming a better person or a more perfect person, if you will. It is about learning how to be more forgiving to yourself and actually come to terms with not being perfect! But ok anyway... . And it is about unlearning self destructive patterns of behavior, forgive yourself for developing them and learn new and healthier coping skills that will make it possible for you as a person to actually be who you are... . And not just for instance like I did for the most part of my life, diminishing myself to the point where I could just live through another person... . I did not know who I was, at all... . It was not about being mentally ill... . But it created an obstacle for me to be who I am and know what I want and all that... . And for me therapy helped me see that and helped me break free from the prison I had created for myself... . I spent most of my life trying to be perfect for everybody else, instead of being where I am now, loving myself for not being anywhere near perfect! And no more needing the constant validation from others to feel alive... . I sometimes say, I used to exist, now I live... .  

It’s like Causticdork said: “... . there probably is something wrong with us.  The good news is that there's something wrong with everyone”. I agree. But can’t we turn that image around? Can’t we say that everyone is OK, unless they have a distinct issue?

Yes, you are probably right in that there may be something wrong with all of us... . But it is only when that belief confines us and prevents us from healing and being happy or makes us repeat self destructive patterns of behaviour that we need help and where therapy can be a tool for that.

Having said that, some of you may argue that all of us here have distinct issues, as long as we wish to be in a relationship with a BPD – per definition. That is something I don’t agree with. I think many of us our normal, healthy people, who found themselves to be in a problematic relationship, and tried to understand and make things work. It shows we’re responsible, committed, caring, empathic, optimistic. Actually, I would be more suspicious to me if someone would end a relationship after spotting a first red flag or after a first boundary that got crossed.

It is not having a relationship per definition with a pw BPD that is problematic... . There are people who can form functioning relationships with a borderline, when understanding that the expectations of what we may from a sociological stand point might define as being normal, will not be achievable! Frankly you can't have a sociologically defined "normal" relationship with a person who by definition can't be expected to fit into the norm of normal... .

However, the people that have figured that out, don't need to seek out the bpdfamily about their traumatic relationships with a pwBPD... .

The problem lies in all the people, individually who try to create normal in a situation that is not normal... . And that is not the pw BPD's fault... . It is our fault for trying to do what from any objective observers point of view is impossible... . It is actually fulfilling Albert Einsteins definition of insanity... . That is doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting a different result... .

And if you find yourself in such a destructive pattern, therapy may help you change your future, to help you make better and wiser and more healthy choices for yourself.

It is also about understanding the effect of a bad combination... . When we end up in such situations it is not just about them, the borderlines having a destructive life pattern, it is also about our expectations on them for change... . I would say, knowing myself better now, I have not shunned away from having another r/s with a borderline. But I changed the way I dealt with it. And as a result I am not as hurt not when it is over, as I was devastated when my old r/s with a way more abusive NPD man... . Why, because I have learned more about myself and changed my behavioral pattern, through the help of self reflection with the help of a therapist.

I do however think that since we are all individuals, that some people are probably better off if they choose to disengage at the sign of the first red flag. And in some cases we should not. The point is it is better to be aware of ourself and out needs to a degree so that we can make our own choices out of awareness, and not just become like a kite thrown into the whirlwind... .

Maybe I can explain my doubts better by comparing it with physical issues. There is a distinct trend in our country to improve your outer appearance by surgery: depilation of all bodily hair, face lifts, liposuction, fake fingernails, eye laser surgery, facial therapies, ... . At first these therapies were for people that had serious problems, but now more and more ‘normal’ people sign up for them. Of course you can argue that everyone has some physical trait that can be improved. But can’t we just say that everyone is beautiful? And find inspiration in a variety of physical traits?

Here I see where a lot of your thoughts are coming from... . Yes I can totally agree with that if therapy was anything about self perfection, like the distorted industry around beauty has become. Yeah, then I would be a sceptic too! But that is not what therapy is about. Therapy is about coming to terms with and find acceptance in not being perfect, but lovable all the same!

Many of the people getting stuck in plastic surgery could probably use a bit of therapy too... .

To sum things up I think it is great that you have started this thread! This needs to be talked about so much more!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Bananas]

My sadness, hurt and anxiety drove me to therapy because I couldn't find the answers on my own. My family didn't understand and a therapists is impartial.

This was the same for me.  I have dealt with a lot in my life and was almost always able to process things on my own or with the help of friends and family.  I had only sought therapy one other time, after the death of my husband.

One of the ambassadors suggested therapy after first posting on this board (THANK YOU!), before I hadn't thought of it.  But seeing how the breakup was affecting my life so much,  that I actually found myself here on this message board, I knew I had to seek outside impartial help for myself.  I really would not be where I am today if not for this board and for therapy.  I am not ashamed at all that I am in therapy, in fact quite the opposite, I am proud that I care enough about myself to want to make myself better.   

[Jonie]

Hi Scout 99, thanks so much for your detailed reply and for your explanations!

I suppose we think differently on the individual vs society subject. As I see it, much (all?) of our thoughts and expressions are formed by culture: how we perceive and name our feelings and emotions, what we consider to be the origin of them, how we validate them, what kind of characteristics and behaviours we value in ourselves and in others, what we think is the appropriate way to act, how we perceive relationships, etc . In our society we tend to have an individualistic view on things. I’ve been in other societies where the community, the group is much more central. As you probably know, our western thoughts on the origins and categorisation of mental illnesses changed a lot in the last century as well.

But hey, I didn’t intend to start an academic discussion here, just to express my concern if therapy is maybe overrated? I certainly agree with you that we need help when we get stuck into patterns that disrupt our lives – or that of others. It should be so much more natural to get help for these kind of issues!

Now as for my personal situation on this subject, it wasn’t so much being with my pwBPD that caused issues for me. You’re so right: it has everything to do with expectations. As long as you are aware of what you can and cannot expect from a BPD-partner, and have been able to come to terms with that and found practical solutions, it’s possbile to have a functioning relationship. I thought we had that, or, more aptly put: that I had that with him. It’s the long silence treatment period I am in now that cripples me. It’s really SO very devastating! What bothers me specifically, is that it is on my mind continuously, like a song that is stuck on my brain. No productive thoughts at all, it’s just there, going on and on and on, and I can't shake it off. As soon as I awake, it’s like a switch is turned on in my brain. I have been on a 2 week trip to take my mind of things and expected to feel better, but it is actually worse now! Perhaps that has to do with the deadline I set for myself: if he doesn’t get in contact with me before that, I will end it all, cut all the ties, delete my FB-account etc. And I will really dread doing that! If I keep having these compulsive thoughts after that, I will surely seek therapy, as this is indeed destructive for me. And I’ll certainly ask advice of the people here on these boards.

Sout99, thanks again for sharing your thoughts on this!

[Scout99]

Now as for my personal situation on this subject, it wasn’t so much being with my pwBPD that caused issues for me. You’re so right: it has everything to do with expectations. As long as you are aware of what you can and cannot expect from a BPD-partner, and have been able to come to terms with that and found practical solutions, it’s possbile to have a functioning relationship. I thought we had that, or, more aptly put: that I had that with him. It’s the long silence treatment period I am in now that cripples me. It’s really SO very devastating! What bothers me specifically, is that it is on my mind continuously, like a song that is stuck on my brain. No productive thoughts at all, it’s just there, going on and on and on, and I can't shake it off. As soon as I awake, it’s like a switch is turned on in my brain. I have been on a 2 week hiking trip to take my mind of things and expected to feel better, but it is actually worse now! Perhaps that has to do with the deadline I set for myself: if he doesn’t get in contact with me before that, I will end it all, cut all the ties, delete my FB-account etc. And I will really dread doing that! If I keep having these compulsive thoughts after that, I will surely seek therapy, as this is indeed destructive for me. And I’ll certainly ask advice of the people here on these boards.

I am so sorry you are in this stage of limbo that silent treatment so often cause us... . We get so easily stuck in what my best friend so wisely put it once: in the hope beyond all hopes... .

But I think it seems as if you have set up a good plan for yourself, in setting your own deadline or limit on this... . Even though I can for sure understand that as it draws nearer, the pain and anxiety also increases... . It is only natural really... . Since we harbor the hope beyond all hopes... . And passing the deadline means we have to sever the ties and then we dread the grief and emptiness that we think will follow... .

But what we often fail to see when we are where you are now, is that on the other side of the deadline lies also the possibility for healing and regaining control and strength and also getting to the light that is at the end of every tunnel! Whether we can manage to find it on our own or we may need a bit of therapy to help us along the way... .

You are really worth so much more that this limbo of silence! 

So hang in there, keep posting and stay the course... . You are moving forward, and that is a good thing! 

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Jonie]

Thanks Scout99, for your encouragement  

[Undone123]

My sadness, hurt and anxiety drove me to therapy because I couldn't find the answers on my own. My family didn't understand and a therapists is impartial.

This was the same for me.  I have dealt with a lot in my life and was almost always able to process things on my own or with the help of friends and family.  I had only sought therapy one other time, after the death of my husband.

One of the ambassadors suggested therapy after first posting on this board (THANK YOU!), before I hadn't thought of it.  But seeing how the breakup was affecting my life so much,  that I actually found myself here on this message board, I knew I had to seek outside impartial help for myself.  I really would not be where I am today if not for this board and for therapy.  I am not ashamed at all that I am in therapy, in fact quite the opposite, I am proud that I care enough about myself to want to make myself better.   

Same... . I don't have a therapist, just a counsellor who offered me alternative therapy which I declined at the time, and after another anxious episode took up Well mindfulness