Does my wife have BPD?

[A Dad]

I suggested to my wife that both of us see a psychologist to identify any issues we might have hoping that if she does have BPD, it will be identified.

She first agreed even though but then backed down and said she doesn't want to do it.

Now I am going to see a psychologist to identify my issues and hopefully also get an idea whether or not my wife has BPD.

In the meantime, I thought I could post my reasons for thinking she has BPD here and see if anybody can offer an insight.

The first thing that clicked for me was how the guy she was having an affair with was so great, perfect, can do no wrong. It reminded me of exactly how it was between us when we started. And suddenly, everything I did was wrong... to the extent that for a while she had me believing that I was even a bad father, and she thought the new guy would have added to the lives of our children (1 and 3 year old).

The other things are :-

1. Her fear of abandonment, of being left out.

2. Lack of trust. After 8 years of believing that she trusted me as much as I did her, she tells me that she at times thought I was having an affair. I guess this is projection as well.

3. Suddenly getting angry at something her mother or sibling had said or done, even though most of the times she stays pretty calm. But by her own admission she used to have quite a temper when she was younger.

4. No boundaries for the children. They are hardly ever told no to anything.

5. Always vigilant. Scared about children getting hurt, of people breaking into the house, of crossing the road etc.

6. Easily feels rejected. If I take a few minutes (seconds!) to think about something she has proposed, then it means I don't want to do it, I am rejecting what she said.

7. Easily feels she is not loved. If I forget to buys something she asked for, that means I didn't care. No matter that I bought the other 7 things that she asked for. Similarly, I might have done 5 things right, but I do one thing wrong and that is it!

8. Asking me to protect her from our two year old child - he is too strong, he is bullying her!

9. Can't be alone. Had a friend with benefits before our relationship started who she used to go back to during breakups.

Her history :-

1. Third and last child of parents. Parents relationship was already bad by then, and she often felt neglected and having to fend for herself.

2. Felt she was left out of things her siblings did.

3. Her father passed away when she was 11 - 12. Still misses him terribly.

4. Sexual abuse by a relative who was helping her mother look after her.

5. Emotional abuse my family when this came out years later. Felt that her family did not stand by her.

6. One physically abusive relationship when she was 18 - 19.

7. Drug abuse for a short period of time. But she managed to end that by her own will. At the time she told me about this, I took this as a sign of great hidden strength.

8. One unwanted pregnancy and abortion during the drug abuse phase.

9. Cheating while married (to me).

How far along the BPD spectrum do you think she is?

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[Surnia]

Hi adad

I can understand that you would like to have some clarity about your wife through a diagnose. You are not alone with it and many of our SO will never reach out to a T... .

Here on this board we are not qualified Ts and therefore we cannot dare a diagnose.

Reading through your list all I dare say: She has issues in a relationship.

Now I am going to see a psychologist to identify my issues and ... .

This is a great step!

I was there too, adad.

After some horrible MC sessions I went to a T for my own. The best I did in the last years. After the second or third session my T said: Your h should go to a T too. I was soo relieved. I was so sure that most of the things are my fault. And her sentence took away some of this burden.

[Aussie0zborn]

From my experience ... . yes. You are on the right track. Checking out your own issues will get you your reality check and allow you to see the picture for what it is without doubting yourself. Yes,

[Cipher13]

I too have wondered this... I went for years just thinking it was all my fault and that I wan't able to do al the things she needed from me.  My W is not diagnosed and doubt she ever will. In a way it doesn't matter if she is diagnosed. Although it does help your state of mind to know there is a name for it and that its not something you have to support for.

Seeing a T is a great idea. MC didn't help us. It did help W get a good control on her panic and anxiety issues. Didn't do much for this.  My W wanted em to go to T to "fix" me... . its working from my point of veiw but since I have learned a few more techniques for myself to said up and not let her manipulate me into doing meaninless tasks just to make sure I still love her.  She said she doesn't like that Ihave been assertive and that it needs to go back to the way it was before so I can do everything she says... . I  may have to find time to see T on my own if i can if thats what it takes.

Good for you on gettign yourself in order. Wish I had doen it yars ago.

[briefcase]

Many of us here have spouses who are undiagnosed.  Of course, it's understandable to wonder about a diagnosis.  I hope you get some good information from your therapist.  At very least, it sounds like she has traits of BPD.

The good news is that the work we do on this board doesn't require that she be diagnosed.   

[A Dad]

Thanks guys.

Yes. I blamed myself first, even wondered if I am on Autism spectrum like my son and that is why I could never understand her!

I am waiting to see a therapist and hope I can make the right decisions for my family.

I want to do the best for my boys whatever it takes. For my wife, I want to do what I can to help her, but at this point I am not willing to give the rest of my life to it.