I'm nothing in his eyes

[Notthesame64]

Painted black... this is one area that bothers me the most.  I guess it's because I feel I gave so much of myself to this r/s that how can the person you loved turn so ugly against you?  My comment here is not about getting him back in my life but trying to understand, does he really think that horrible about me?  He has not tried to contact me at all... and I guess perhaps that bothers me because it only confirms in my head how much he loathes me now (at least that’s what I believe.)   However, the true ending of our r/s was my decision because he intentionally lied about the death of his father to me .  Which he didn’t die.

He told me flat out that he intentionally wanted to hurt me *quote* the way I hurt him.  But the thing is, whatever mistakes I made against him were neverintentional.  I never sat down and said... how can I hurt him today.  Most of my actions were reactions to either what was being said to me or from the isolation, sulking or other bad behaviors he was subjecting me too... but never intentional!  I never cheated or lied and for the most part I tried to be supportive and encouraging to have better communication, respect, love and understanding between us... that always turned around and bit me in the ___.

So after I caught him in this bizarre lie, everything was turned around on me.  I was called vindictive with no conscious because I caught him in this lie... then on our last conversation (text).  I said I still was in shock that he could lie about a death of a family member to someone that cared so much for him as I did.  He then turned around and said that he is still in shock from the things I said or did during our r/s. (mind you these are things from 2007 or later which I have apologized a thousand times for... like losing my temper and calling him a whack job... not nice, however I did apologize.)   See I just don’t get this disorder!  Really?  You hurt me on purpose... being vindictive yourself, premeditating how to hurt me, but I'm the one being painted black?   I know he's screaming to everyone and anyone that will feel sorry for him how this woman screwed up his life... . but he is the one who sabotaged our r/s over and over again.  I really can’t understand this disorder.  I really don’t understand how someone can say they love you, recycle you, beg you for another chance... come back give you the same results and then some... and then cry victim of his circumstances,  not to mention painting YOU black.   

I know I should move past this... this is not healthy to dwell on something that isn’t going to change... it’s over and in all reality... I deserve something way better than what I had.   But I know in my heart how much I gave, forgave, tried, loved... dealt with and dished out myself , in order to make a life with this man work.  Now I am nothing in his eyes and the bad bad person he painted black is left here scratching her head!  Do ever care about our feelings?

[Surnia]

Notthesame64

I hear you, yes, sometimes it is so difficult to understand. 

What I learned here on the board: There are so many different perceptions in this world.

For some SO feelings are facts. Could be he felt that his father is dead also he is dead for him. Or it is possible that he feels shame for his father. Shame is a very difficult feeling, not everyone can deal with it.

My approach is not so much about understanding, but more accepting that many people has different perception than me. And very important, I did not cause the mental problems, not from my brother, not from my exh.

I hope this helps a little bit.

[alonebuthappy]

Notthesame64, sorry you are havind to deal with this, his projection of pain onto you is not fair or right.  I feel it his attempt to make you OWN his shame, pain, and guilt;  it is more than likely something he learned that you showed signs of accepting in the past over time in your relationship (its abuse).

What I have learned to do over time with much reading here and other books about PD's, focus on YOU, distance.your mind away from him onto 100% you.  Find why you act/react to the past emotions/feelings directed at you and you recieved them to act on them.  See, its about what you want/do you control, the other can't control your happiness with finding yourself and setting your boundries that discover.

The answer isn't what he wants, but want you want by finding you again, which more than likely has been chipped away at over time in your relationship.

You seem like a very strong and carrying person, remind yourself of that everyday!  Stop letting him into your mind, you control you and your mind!

[Nearlybroken]

Notthe same... . for various reasons ( that I will no doubt post about soon) I don't feel strong or wise enough to give you any advice but all I can say is that I could have written your post and can understand your hurt and frustration.Sending you .x

[Notthesame64]

Thank you to those who gave me in site.  This is truly a hard journey to overcome.  However, out of all this drama that I have been dealing with for nearly 6 years i am coming into the realization of myself.  Realizing how much power I gave to him and how little in return I actually got back. It was always about him!  Did I say the wrong thing to offend him, did I ask for to much, was I supportive enough and on and on... I have learned some of the traits, connected the dots of occurrences and came to understand that I was perfect for his needs right down to the day we started talking.  I do believe my share in this is he gave me exactly the same feeling of love that my mother showed me... pain, manipulation, guilt and chasing.  Chasing them for their affection... I use to do that a lot with him.  He would hurt me, toss me a side or get me so angry to leave then wait for me to chase after him to feed his ego and twisted self with my guilt of the break down... It was a cycle and my mother played the same game with me as I child.   This I believe is why I went back over and over again to him... the feeling of this is love, e feeling if I just be better for him (mom), he would love me.  But in all reality, it wasn't love it was just a familiar pain I was attaching too... So yes I do understand... but it doesn't make it easier.   So my healing is this... . I am not dating, I have no interest.  I am instead concentrating on healthy boundaries, spending time looking at my patterns and working on myself.  I can not repeat this again...

[Surnia]

Hi Notthesame

I can relate with your words about repeating a pattern.

I do believe my share in this is he gave me exactly the same feeling of love that my mother showed me... pain, manipulation, guilt and chasing.  Chasing them for their affection... I use to do that a lot with him. 

I was there too. It was the my shattered marriage which opened me the eyes for being the caretaker, people pleasing, chasing for affection.

We can learn and heal together.