MCC please tell me how you got there. I need to move forward and lose the sadness and anxiety. I don't contact her. I self reflect. I cry. I try to get out of my self. It's been almost five months for me. I feel like I'm not making much progress. I want the pain to stop once and for all. How long for you?
Thanks for the question... . as this was / (still is slightly) a process for me... . total time I guess would be about 2 years, but this wasn't the conventional break up and never talk again... .
I recycled with mine about 5+ times over the past 2 years... . this was detrimental to my recovery, to say the least, but end the end when I finally had enough, it turned out to be the silver lining of the entire situation! Let me explain... .
Every time we'd recycle, it would obviously reignite old feelings... . then we'd break up after a few weeks and the cycle of pain would start all over again! Talk about crazy, I know... .
BUT... . then somewhere along the way, I shifted the concentration on MYSELF... . it was foreign to me as it was a whole new way of thinking... .
I began going to the gym... . everyday! I immersed myself in working out, sometimes 2x a day. I dove into my work, my friends, my family... .
For me, this provided such clarity of the situation. It enabled me to see things in a whole new light!
I participated in this board on a daily basis, and I still do. I found this effective because even as I type this, I am constantly realizing new things about MYSELF and the r/s!
For me, my understanding was the key to acceptance. I am quite a logical thinker and problem solver by nature, and my xBPD was literally the puzzle that I had to put together. Now that it's together, I can safely take it apart, put it back in the box, and put it in the closet... .
As I was improving my own self worth by the actions that I said above, I found myself wanting more... . more from life... . more from a r/s... . the bar was raised, so to speak because I deserve more!
So, in May, the x tried to come around again. I did communicate with her for a few weeks, but I could see things so much more clearly now... . She was on another rebound, attempting to triangulate me with someone else. Was still trying to bait me, use jealousy against me, and hurt me... .
I fell into this for a minute, but I quickly got to the point to where I WAS DONE! I had enough. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. For the first time in 4 years of knowing her, I was able to stand up for MYSELF. I laid the boundary that she was not going to continue to treat me like that anymore! Needless to say, she disappeared after that... .
Come July, we talked briefly. I told her that I was not hanging onto the anger/hate for her any longer... . It's too exhausting and takes too much out of MY life! This, as with everything else with her, was dismissed. She, of course, had to flip it around and take it as an "attack," and told me not to contact her anymore. (mind you, she was the one who contacted me in the first place?) Needless to say, NC since then and I could really care less if I ever speak to her again... .
So, If you've made it this far into this saga, my point is that as I became healthier, I saw the actions that I chose to ignore before... . I saw that she is the same person who was repeating the same patterns. There was nothing different about her. Nothing that I wanted to try and hold onto anyways... . I was no longer in fear of her and she no longer had any control over ME! I lived too long having to filter my words/actions trying to gain her "approval," and quite frankly I grew sick of how dismissive and shi^^y she made me feel! I reclaimed my testicles from her purse!
MCC
