But now I am back to being on the fence

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This time last week after a particularly bad episode, I was pretty sure I needed to end this relationship.  After a few days of thinking, I was 99% sure I wanted to work harder about making it work.  But now I am back to being on the fence, or at least on the fence about being on the fence.  And I know I need to set some firm and clear boundaries in order to protect myself, so that the "fence" becomes so narrow that I can no longer ride atop it.  

Last Friday, she hit me.  She voluntarily removed herself from the house beginning Saturday morning, and has been staying out of the house since then.  Last night, we talked about what happened, she explained what was going through her mind and why she got scared and angry.  I explained that I cannot deal with screaming, that I have become afraid to communicate with her at all because she has screamed at me, and that it is becoming harder and harder to recover emotionally from those episodes.  And she did acknowledge that her behaviors were hurtful.  

But thinking about it as I was falling asleep last night and this morning, with reminders from a friend, I realize that she never really apologized or seemed to feel genuinely bad about screaming at me or hitting me.  Instead, she had excuses, and things that I did to trigger her behavior.  I do think she genuinely does feel bad, but maybe only bad because it may mean that I would leave her.  I would think a person who genuinely feels bad about that would be super apologetic.  But so far I have only heard "I'm sorry for my role in what happened."  I consider hitting a very serious role that needs to be singled out.

So now I am confused again.  If she can't recognize how hurtful and inappropriate screaming and violence are, I don't think it is healthy or safe for me to continue having her live in my house.  I think I need to be very clear and firm on what should be a boundary that I should not have to state - that screaming and violence are completely unacceptable in my house, and that if that happens I have to immediately remove myself from the house to protect my safety.

I'm just worried that approaching her about this will set her off again.  I'm thinking about bringing it up this way - if she says she wants to come back to my place and stay with me tonight, I will say okay, but we need to have a discussion about a few boundaries first.  And then I will tell her that it is okay to be upset with me, and healthy couples get upset with each other from time to time.  And I will tell her that I will work to communicate clearer by being more direct.  But I will add that there is no way I can ever learn to communicate with someone who screams as a response, and that any screaming or violence leaves me feeling scared, and I must leave the house if that happens.  I will reassure her that I understand she has trauma issues that she can't always control and applaud her for working on them and seeking help.  But I will also say that if she feels she can't control her hurtful behavior right now, then she needs to find her own place to live while she deals with that.  And I will reassure her that I will stand by her while she works on her issues, and she can move back in when she feels she has them under control.

Do you think this is a constructive way to approach this?

[maxsterling]

This time last week after a particularly bad episode, I was pretty sure I needed to end this relationship.  After a few days of thinking, I was 99% sure I wanted to work harder about making it work.  But now I am back to being on the fence, or at least on the fence about being on the fence.  And I know I need to set some firm and clear boundaries in order to protect myself, so that the "fence" becomes so narrow that I can no longer ride atop it.  

Last Friday, she hit me.  She voluntarily removed herself from the house beginning Saturday morning, and has been staying out of the house since then.  Last night, we talked about what happened, she explained what was going through her mind and why she got scared and angry.  I explained that I cannot deal with screaming, that I have become afraid to communicate with her at all because she has screamed at me, and that it is becoming harder and harder to recover emotionally from those episodes.  And she did acknowledge that her behaviors were hurtful.  

But thinking about it as I was falling asleep last night and this morning, with reminders from a friend, I realize that she never really apologized or seemed to feel genuinely bad about screaming at me or hitting me.  Instead, she had excuses, and things that I did to trigger her behavior.  I do think she genuinely does feel bad, but maybe only bad because it may mean that I would leave her.  I would think a person who genuinely feels bad about that would be super apologetic.  But so far I have only heard "I'm sorry for my role in what happened."  I consider hitting a very serious role that needs to be singled out.

So now I am confused again.  If she can't recognize how hurtful and inappropriate screaming and violence are, I don't think it is healthy or safe for me to continue having her live in my house.  I think I need to be very clear and firm on what should be a boundary that I should not have to state - that screaming and violence are completely unacceptable in my house, and that if that happens I have to immediately remove myself from the house to protect my safety.

I'm just worried that approaching her about this will set her off again.  I'm thinking about bringing it up this way - if she says she wants to come back to my place and stay with me tonight, I will say okay, but we need to have a discussion about a few boundaries first.  And then I will tell her that it is okay to be upset with me, and healthy couples get upset with each other from time to time.  And I will tell her that I will work to communicate clearer by being more direct.  But I will add that there is no way I can ever learn to communicate with someone who screams as a response, and that any screaming or violence leaves me feeling scared, and I must leave the house if that happens.  I will reassure her that I understand she has trauma issues that she can't always control and applaud her for working on them and seeking help.  But I will also say that if she feels she can't control her hurtful behavior right now, then she needs to find her own place to live while she deals with that.  And I will reassure her that I will stand by her while she works on her issues, and she can move back in when she feels she has them under control.

Do you think this is a constructive way to approach this?

[dotSlash]

I think you're going about this in a good way max. Today I had to set some boundaries myself about what's cool and not. She absolutely flipped initially but then by the end of the day was back to wanting to be close to me so i can only assume they were accepted or forgotten. I have also found that my BPD gf did not actually apologize for hitting me (4 times) when I brought it up today, but did say it was really bad and its something she needs to stop. I think in their mind apologizing for something so violent would be invalidating for them as potentially significant others, and they would rather beat around the bush

[Surnia]

Hi maxsterling

I agree with you, getting hit is something we should not endure and it is a boundary issue.

Boundaries are for you. For example you don't want living in the same house with someone screaming and hitting you. There is no need to justify or explain this. The approach to make her understand that she has trauma issues will not work. And it is not necessary that you announce boundaries before.

I'm just worried that approaching her about this will set her off again.

Quite possible. You have to be prepared and make sure you are in safety. Phone with you, a door nearby.

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