Who I am?

[Breathing new air]

A few years ago I could have told you who I was without a second thought. I was programmed by my mother to be exactly what she had shaped. Now I can't quite as easily.

My situation simply put is this.  I am a daughter of non diagnosed BPD mother trying to find out what is really normal.  I have been in therapy many times over the last 12 years, but it is only recently that I had a therapist who told me about reading Understanding the Borderline Mother. She was more than likely looking in that direction because I had come to her due to work and not being able to deal with Borderline patients in the practice of my psychiatrists I support. I am an RN who works in a clinic in Behavioral Health. My anger and feelings were eating me up. I could not understand what was going on. I had been in Therapy and dealt with sexual abuse and losing a child, but I could not deal with this new clientele. Little did I know that it was because it was triggering something so deeply buried and a part so dark of myself.  The part that no child wants to admit.  But I did not go to the T for that. I went for work related issues.

So we touched on all the issues that I had already "dealt" with. I have a very strong background in mental health. My father had gone to treatment for Sex Addiction in the 1990's and mom was treated for co dependency.  Both were gone a month.  I was 13 and when mom got back she gave me every book she could to read about Sexual addiction. And I thought that was normal. I also thought being a witness to all the affairs and their drama was normal. I could go on and on at the things I thought were normal but were not.  

When I read the book Understanding the Boderline Mother, I felt that someone had been a voyeur in my home and written it directly for our family interactions.  Now I am trying to come to terms with my childhood in that light. I find it funny. I have a friend, this too is a new thing since being able to separate some from mom, who told me that the change since reading that book has been like a light had been switched in me. Amazing huh. I then read Stop Walking on Eggshells. And that was was harder because I had to face some hard truths about who I was and how interacted with the world. I am changing that and finding my new normal. But I am finding that I need to have people around who "get it". It is hard to explain to anyone how I could have thought that what I went through growing up was normal. That it was everyone else that was screwed up.

I struggle with the enmeshment that seemed like it was the only way that a relationship was normal. Anything less and you did not care. I see now that is not true. So many thing I though were true are not. I feel like over the last year my whole world has shifted, but I just became strong enough to take an active role in changing it since May. I look forward to meeting more of you.

[Finallyblooming]

Hi Breathing,

Stop walking on eggshells is a great book, the workbook also. I'm glad you're seeing that you're not alone.

It sounds like you've really walked the mile in your life, I'm sorry you had to have those experiences.

[P.F.Change]

  Hi there, Breathing new air, and 

It's great that you are getting support from your Therapist and that you are reaching out here as well. I have a mother with BPD also. These message boards are full of others who "get it," and there are also many excellent articles and workshops. I have learned a lot during my time here. Some of the threads that helped me most are he ones about Values and Boundaries, and about Enmeshment and Codependence. There are many others you might find interesting.

I hope to see more of your posts!

Wishing you peace,

PF

[DreamFlyer99]

Oh do I feel ya! I always thought my family was "normal" growing up too! My mother was undiagnosed but likely NPD and BPD, and my father was a high-functioning alcoholic. The fights were epic, and i'd freak out as a kid and shut down and so I have lots of big gaps in my memory... . and yep, I get that "triggers" thing.

I was somewhat my mother's favorite child--until I developed my own thoughts!   I too had no idea that the whole enmeshed thing wasn't normal either.

This is a great place to be to learn new skills and see ourselves as we truly can be, so 

df99

[Breathing new air]

Thanks for the welcome. I think that is the hardest thing. Trying to figure out what was normal and not normal. I wonder sometimes about my own sanity. I worry that I am so tainted that I cannot find normal. I worry that I am like my mom and I am doing to my kids what she did. I know I am not but I worry. The scars are deep and I don't trust my own reality. I now know that is fairly common for someone with our background. But it does not make it any easier.

I find myself looking back at things that I had convinced myself were normal and loving interactions and shake my head.  I think how could she have thought I could handle all I did.  She has told me how I was as a child and that she could not have stopped me. I "just wanted to be a little adult and her shadow". At 4 or 5 years old I did not know any better. She should have.   There are so many of these type instances and situations where as an adult I ask myself how a mom could do that to her child. Shoot how a family could function, have the things happen that did, and think it was normal and they were a close loving family. I bought it hook line and sinker. How I do not know because now it seems so clear.

But that is just the way it is. 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Breathing, 

As you've discovered, that feeling that you don't really know who you are, is very common in children of BPD parents. We spent our childhoods trying to satisfy our parents, and for many of us, that meant putting our own feelings and needs aside. It can be a real eye-opener when we learn that our parents were affected by a disorder.

She has told me how I was as a child and that she could not have stopped me. I "just wanted to be a little adult and her shadow". At 4 or 5 years old I did not know any better. She should have.   There are so many of these type instances and situations where as an adult I ask myself how a mom could do that to her child.

I've asked myself the same question: How could a mother do that to her child? I wish there was a simple answer. I'm certain that my mother didn't choose to be the way she is, but it doesn't excuse her behavior and doesn't make her any less accountable for it.

It sounds like you were trying to individuate at 4 or 5, which is actually a very healthy thing. Is there a time now, as an adult, that you feel truly comfortable and free, like you're the person you're supposed to be?

[Breathing new air]

I've asked myself the same question: How could a mother do that to her child? I wish there was a simple answer. I'm certain that my mother didn't choose to be the way she is, but it doesn't excuse her behavior and doesn't make her any less accountable for it.

It sounds like you were trying to individuate at 4 or 5, which is actually a very healthy thing. Is there a time now, as an adult, that you feel truly comfortable and free, like you're the person you're supposed to be?

I am finding out how normal for us that so many of these things were.  I have made excused for my mom all my life. I would talk about how hard of life she had. She was abandoned at the hospital when she was born and spent time in an orphanage, then was adopted.  She told me her sob story from very young. It excused everything she ever did in our home and the way she mothered us children. It makes it hard to feel she is accountable for her behavior. I was taught she was not. There were always "good" reasons for the way she did things.

I remember some of the time prior to 4 like that. It was before my dad went on the road and I had someone to interact with me normally. I remember playing with him and spending time with him.  Those are such memories of freedom. I had not even thought about it like that. It was also prior to my sister being born. So many things were different, but I don't have memories of being with mom during that time. It was mainly dad. Interesting. Considering how much mom controlled my existence after he started driving bus.   Also when I got to travel with my dad.

With my dad, as messed up as he was. I could be me. He never tried to make me into anything and could not praise me enough.

Since then my free moments have been when I was away from mom.  First time at college, when I went away for training. Those time. As long as she had access, I never felt free. When I went to college the first time she told me I changed and she did not like who I was becoming, but that was one of the few times I was truly happy. Even my sister who was 10 years younger than me could see it. She says that was the only time in her childhood she remembers seeing me happy.  Sad huh.

Lately I have found more, the longer I keep contact with mom to a minimum, I seem to be finding who I am.  I was in a musical this summer. Did a good job and loved it. I kept her at arms length, and it remained my accomplishment. I did it even though it was not convenient for my family and hubby.   I made so really good friend and reconnected with people I used to know.  It was a necessary selfish move. I will do others. So I start to live my life also for me not for everyone else. It was a turning point for me. I am finding myself slowly. And not needing everyone to define me.  I am acting like a normal person with wants and needs not based completely on what i think others wanted. Remember I did not ask them if they wanted me like them, I just became what I thought they wanted since I was so well trained.

The more I break contact with mom the more I have normal interactions with people. I can't let her dominate my time when we are somewhere. It is hard and I have to remind myself. She totally took my life over. 

[DreamFlyer99]

*I have made excused for my mom all my life. I would talk about how hard of life she had.

*With my dad, as messed up as he was. I could be me. He never tried to make me into anything and could not praise me enough.

*Since then my free moments have been when I was away from mom.  First time at college, when I went away for training. Those time. As long as she had access, I never felt free. When I went to college the first time she told me I changed and she did not like who I was becoming, but that was one of the few times I was truly happy.

*I did it even though it was not convenient for my family and hubby.   I made so really good friend and reconnected with people I used to know.  It was a necessary selfish move. I will do others. So I start to live my life also for me not for everyone else. It was a turning point for me. I am finding myself slowly. And not needing everyone to define me.  I am acting like a normal person with wants and needs not based completely on what i think others wanted.

*The more I break contact with mom the more I have normal interactions with people. I can't let her dominate my time when we are somewhere. It is hard and I have to remind myself. She totally took my life over. 

All those things I pulled out of your post make me want to happy dance for you!

I did the same routine with both my mother and then my husband, where I wouldn't be "myself" entirely because I didn't even know what that meant I was so busy being someone for them! Each of these steps you've taken I have too-- where I once made excuses for my mother or my husband, no more.

My dad didn't have a huge impact on my life as he wasn't really involved (I am the youngest, and he'd kinda checked out by the time I came along) BUT he didn't try to make me a certain person, he did actually encourage me to work hard for what I wanted to be. I just haven't, as an adult, been able to get past the abuse he inflicted on my oldest sister. But I would still say my mother inflicted much more damage on my psyche.

When you went away to college your mother didn't like you--I know this feeling! As soon as I developed any of my own beliefs or feelings separate from her, I lost my standing as the "good" one. When someone wants you to be their extension, proving their life to be valid as-is, they stop liking you when you individuate (like GeekyGirl was talking about.) Our job as parents is to HELP our children become their own individual person! Even now I am happy as I look at my 4 grown children and see their differences from me and their dad, I love seeing we didn't make little clones.

Trust me, doing something you loved was not "selfish", it was "self-CARE." We need to nourish our own uniqueness in order to be fully formed individuals. I know my husband can make things seem "inconvenient" for him as well, I am in the process you are of becoming my own person, and sometimes what someone sees as causing a problem for them just means they need to participate in their life with their spouse and family, we are not there simply to serve them. (tho mine would love that if I would! )

I had to go to limited contact with my mother as well. It took a big blow-up for me to see how she was trying to influence my children in the same mean way she had me and my siblings when we were young, and that's when we went to limited contact. That was the first time I stood up to my mother, when I saw her speaking in the same bitter, belittling tone to my stepdaughter (at the time she was 15.) My childhood pain was triggered, I started shaking violently, and I told my mother in very direct words that she was never allowed to speak to my children the way she had spoken to us and that if she ever had a problem with one of my children she was to speak to me about it and NEVER directly to the child. WOW.

So I happy dance for you! You are in the process of becoming your own person! This will make you stronger, this will make your soul clearer, you will be more content even in the difficulties of life!

Blessings on the journeys we are making 

df99

[Breathing new air]

[

When you went away to college your mother didn't like you--I know this feeling! As soon as I developed any of my own beliefs or feelings separate from her, I lost my standing as the "good" one. When someone wants you to be their extension, proving their life to be valid as-is, they stop liking you when you individuate (like GeekyGirl was talking about.) Our job as parents is to HELP our children become their own individual person! Even now I am happy as I look at my 4 grown children and see their differences from me and their dad, I love seeing we didn't make little clones.

So I happy dance for you! You are in the process of becoming your own person! This will make you stronger, this will make your soul clearer, you will be more content even in the difficulties of life!

Blessings on the journeys we are making  

df99

I am finding myself. I know that. I have looked at why things are happening with my FOO.  In a way I am relieved, but I admit I am saddened at the same.  As I individualize, they do not call and they do not really want to be around me. The punishment pattern is getting more frequent. They don't call and wait for me because that is a sign I am coming back into the fold.  So NC may happen without me doing a thing other than changing the way I interact with all people.

Yesterday was my birthday and none of them called. I understand it intellectually, even comprehend and appreciate that it is prolly for the best, but it still hurts.  I am doing what I need to do and finding the strength it will take. But I did need to say it was hard.

Thank all of you for the support that is helping me to find the strength to finally do what is right for me after all these years of being pulled back in.  

[DreamFlyer99]

THAT, not calling for your bd, would STINK. i'm sorry... .

[GeekyGirl]

I hope you had a lovely birthday, despite the lack of phone calls from your family. 

Doing what's right can sometimes be very difficult, but very healing too. You're learning a lot right now, and as you've seen this summer, you're growing a lot too! 

[Breathing new air]

I did have a wonderful birthday. All around I am discovering all the people that care about me for who I am. I went to lunch yesterday with some girls from work and last night my girlfriends from the musical I did this summer met for drinks and supper. Great night.

Funny thing is mom showed up on my door step last night over a half hour before I was due home from work with my birthday present. She sat herself down and my husband had to deal with her until I got home.  She gave me my present and the dog planted himself between myself and her so she could not hug me. (dog is a big St Bernard, no one gets past him) We talked for like less than 15 minutes and then she left. DH spent more time with her than I did.  . Her only comment on not calling or texting on my BDay is the day "got away from her" and she was just not good at that stuff.  Really? It hurts, but I have had her bring me back in line this way before. I never did hear from my 2 sisters. But that is my family dynamics. I guess I went from Golden child to outcast/scapegoat in my family really fast. I will not go back but I will admit it is hard. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Oh boy is GeekyGirl right! It hasn't been that long for me since I started trying to have better boundaries with my uBPDh, and at first it does cause upset with the pwBPD since it's a change, and it wasn't their idea.

Let me find links for some of the things P.F.Change (I grin every time I see that name!) mentioned, they sound like they'd be helpful for you (and me!)

Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence I just started reading this one, and I definitely need to go back and finish it. Enmeshment is one of the things my T has talked about that has been a problem for me. She's helped me see that I am a whole person on my own and i'm finally learning to not feel guilty for doing things that don't include my H. I would do the stuff, but I felt guilty. So now i'm doing the stuff for me without the guilt, is the biggest difference!

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence I loved this one, it took me through some exercises of thought to clarify what things I personally value which helped me see what things I feel are important enough to put boundaries around. Good stuff.

That was so great, what you did for yourself for your birthday! I too was Golden until I developed my own opinions and thoughts, then BOOM! you're BAD! What awesome self-care you did by getting together with friends and doing something purely for your own enjoyment. SO great. And I wish i'd had your dog when my mother in law was around

I think it would be interesting to post a question about birthdays on the healing board, about what people have found to be most helpful. It looks like you've found your "happy place" though, and did just what you needed for yourself. And it seems the more we learn to take care of our own needs, the less our FOO troubles us emotionally. This is a good link too--one i'm still working on the concept: Radical Acceptance for family members

I bet you feel really good for having taken care of yourself for your bd instead of buying into the family dysfunction! I sure would!

df99

[Breathing new air]

Thanks for those links. I have been looking on them and using them for some food for thought. I am trying to continue down the correct path. SO much has changed and overall I am so much happier. But it is a change in interaction with everyone in my life. Boundaries are hard.  But as I do it, I find people respect me more and are treating me better and different. I appreciate all the support.

Boundaries are such a different thing for me. But then loving myself was foreign until a few years ago. I have learned more and more to do that as time goes past. And to love myself I have to find myself and set my boundaries. The challenge is figuring out what they need to be. 

[DreamFlyer99]

Ah! I know what you mean about figuring out the boundaries--I need to do some more thinking on what things I value so I can make boundaries to protect those things. And the changes can definitely make things rougher for a bit, but hopefully like you're finding, people will treat you more respectfully. So great!

I also have only more recently found that I do actually like myself. I had a sneaking suspicion for quite a long time, but i'd let other people's opinions of me take over and i'd believe them instead of the truth I knew of myself. It's a nice place to be, isn't it?

The figuring out my values to protect with boundaries thing is an ongoing one for me at the moment. It's like I can think of some of the things quite easily, but there are others I become aware of... . usually because they've been trampled and i'm hearing myself say "OUCH!"