Trying to Hold on When I Know I Should Let Go

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My UBPDBF walked out a month and a half ago. I wasn't ready for him to leave, although I couldn't believe the stuff I put up with on a daily basis. He left so many times before, in an emotional whirlwind. Then he would calm down and come back in a few days. This time he made up his mind he was not going to do that again, that if he left he'd stay gone and he has. He has tried to cut me off completely, but I keep reaching out, begging him to come back. He says he is not capable of a relationship, of giving me what I want. He says it is too much for him to deal with.

I just don't understand how he can say he still loves me, but doesn't want to be with me when I was nothing but good and nurturing and caring and helped him through all his crazy mood swings. I'm a very giving, emotionally available person and all his friends thinks he was doing so well with me, so much happier, etc.

I feel like such a failure. And I can't stop grieving and begging him to come back. He didn't give me the attention I deserved and he was so difficult to live with. But my heart aches for him still. I feel really confused.

[mary_sunshine]

My UBPDBF walked out a month and a half ago. I wasn't ready for him to leave, although I couldn't believe the stuff I put up with on a daily basis. He left so many times before, in an emotional whirlwind. Then he would calm down and come back in a few days. This time he made up his mind he was not going to do that again, that if he left he'd stay gone and he has. He has tried to cut me off completely, but I keep reaching out, begging him to come back. He says he is not capable of a relationship, of giving me what I want. He says it is too much for him to deal with.

I just don't understand how he can say he still loves me, but doesn't want to be with me when I was nothing but good and nurturing and caring and helped him through all his crazy mood swings. I'm a very giving, emotionally available person and all his friends thinks he was doing so well with me, so much happier, etc.

I feel like such a failure. And I can't stop grieving and begging him to come back. He didn't give me the attention I deserved and he was so difficult to live with. But my heart aches for him still. I feel really confused.

[Emelie Emelie]

I'm so sorry. And I know how you feel. Mine said he loves me but doesn't want to cause me any more pain. That he's no good at relationships. Same kind of thing. I miss mine terribly but I know this relationship needs to end. It was very painful for me a lot of the time.  I think it's harder when they leave you. We feel so rejected and discarded after we worked so hard to make it work. It's really tough. But I have to believe there's something better for me out there. And I believe there's something better for you too. I was contacting my X a lot too. And always felt worse after I did. Do you think you could try NC for a few days?  Give yourself some time to think?

[Emelie Emelie]

Today is day 8 for me. It's been tough but I think some distance has helped.

[So hurt]

Hang in there. If there is anything I have learned in this life is that we can't love people to wellness, especially if they are not capable of real love. Trying to love someone to wellness is like asking the wolf to stop eating the deer he just killed. He can't help but destroy the deer's life because that is what he does.

[mary_sunshine]

I'm so sorry. And I know how you feel. Mine said he loves me but doesn't want to cause me any more pain. That he's no good at relationships. Same kind of thing. I miss mine terribly but I know this relationship needs to end. It was very painful for me a lot of the time.  I think it's harder when they leave you. We feel so rejected and discarded after we worked so hard to make it work. It's really tough. But I have to believe there's something better for me out there. And I believe there's something better for you too. I was contacting my X a lot too. And always felt worse after I did. Do you think you could try NC for a few days?  Give yourself some time to think?

Yes, that sounds exactly like my story. I don't think I could have ever given up on him and ended things, but being thrown away by someone to whom I devoted myself and was so good to is such a slap in the face.  He actually make perfect sense when he says he is incapable of the kind of intimacy I require, or any relationship at all. He thought he could do it, but has proven that he can't. But I just look back on all the times when he WAS willing to try and DID make progress and feel so sad that he doesn't think I'm important enough to keep going.

It's been almost 24 hours since my last desperate email. I'm going to try for NC. I've never done it before. I've never ignored him when he called or wrote to me, but there is a good chance he won't. He seems to have written me out of his life.

[Surnia]

Mary_sunshine

A big 

Its hard to go through such break ups.

Do you have friends or family to spend some time with it?

We are here for you. 

[momtara]

I could have written that subject head too.

We have to remind ourselves that this is a disorder - doesn't always follow the rules.  We are giving, trusting people.  

But there may become a point when it is just unhealthy to be dealing with these mood swings and uncertainty all the time.  If you have to try to hold on, well, you're human.  Don't blame yourself.  You need to know you did what you could.

[mary_sunshine]

Thanks, everyone. Your words really do help. I passed the 24 hour mark of NC. I have to remind myself he is no longer my responsibility and really never was. I worry about him,  which is a habit I have to break. I tried my hardest and there's nothing more to do except move on.