question for the support community

[enough abuse]

Well I have not been on here in awhile which means I have been doing pretty good.  First of all I want to say "Thank you" to the founders of this site and those who help make it successful.  This was a definate help to me this spring when I really struggled.

My situation is a sister 5 years younger than me wiht UBPD.  We have a widowed mother and that is the extent of our family.  My sister is married and has 4 children and lives about 2 miles from my mom.  I am married with 2 childern and live about 2.5 hours away.  My previous posts explain the details of our situation.

I have been feeling down the last week or so and one thing I think is on my mind is tomorrow is my sisters birthday.  We have had no contact since March and I intend to continue "no contact" as it must just be that way.  But it is so hard for me not to wish her a happy Birthday.  I know "NO CONTACT" means just that and I dont' want so send mixed messages. 

My mom did see her kids at the county fair where they showed their animals.  My nephew found every chance to go sit by my mom and asked her a few things but mom could tell the kids were on "high alert"  My oldest nice seemed to avoid my mom and mom said the 3rd oldest just looked sad the whole time and did not say much.  (my nephew and 3rd oldest were the once forced to call my mom and spring and tell her they did not want her to come to grandparents day and they did not know how my mom would act)  I'm sure the kids have a heavy heart for saying that to my mom, because it is not something they would say to my mom. 

My mom really had no contact as well until then and is was all very brief and in the community.  A few weeks ago my sister and her husband were invited to a neighbor's wedding about 2 hours away and my mom was invited as well.  On the spur of the moment my sister called my mom and said they had room if she and her friend wanted to ride with them.  Mom did not know what to say so she said OK.  Mom was so upset and embarrased.  On the way down my sister opened a beer and started drinking it and offered one to anyone else.  My mom said firmly "no beer in here"  obviously she did not care and continued to drink it and the other neighbor had one as well and my mom suspects her husband (driving) had something other than coffee in his mug. 

It will never quit breaking my heart.  I try to remember everything the social worker I saw taught me.  I wish it could be different but it is not.   The other thing that is so hard is when my husband's family who lives in the same community they do ask me questions about my sister or nieces and nephew.  It is like a knife in my chest.  It is not like I sit down with them at family occasions and explain my crazy sister.  My husbands family is about as normal as families come.  It is almost scarry these day.  They are truly a blessing in my life.  I have told his mom pretty much the whole story but they are not the kind of people that talk about stuff like that to others.  Like his mom will not tell his sisters and sister in laws, in fact I don't think she even told his dad.  I have to respect the fact that what I tell her stays with her but it sure would help if she clued the rest in so I do not have to repeatly go though this. 

I was at another event and a childhood friend of both of us kept asking me about her and her family and all I could do was give generic answers.  This person had no idea so I just got through the conversation but again for the rest of the day it just hurts my heart. 

So I guess back to my original question which I think I have ansered myself do I acknowledge her birthday? 

Anyfeed back is always apprieciated. 

[Finallyblooming]

Hi enough abuse,

That has to be really hard on you and your mom,

Can I ask how you think the happy birthday will be received?

I ask because sometimes, we are compelled to do things that we know we should do out of knee jerk habit. Is it the first birthday since your NC?

[Finallyblooming]

Silly enter button

Example, you quit smoking for your health, but you still have the urge to smoke, even though you know it's bad for you.

If you know the birthday wish will be received with animosity, sarcasm, guilt tactics, etc. Will it benefit either you or your sister?

[enough abuse]

thanks finallyblooming,

Well it could be recieved 1 of 2 ways,

At this point yes, probably sarcasm and a way for her to start all over with the same circle of lies etc... .

or she is simply says "thanks" and that is it... . or she suddenly thinks everything is OK... . that has happened in the past but I am quite sure it would not happen this time.  Things are so out of control now. 

I guess there is no benefit as I have no intention to have a relationship... . I know sounds harsh but she has had about 4 major "second chances" and as we all know it only is a matter of time till back at square one and that is where we are now.

My big decison for NC is my children will not be raised in this environment.  We will not be part of the toxic abuse.  I feel terrible sad as my kids ask to see my nephew and it just breaks my heart... . my boys are 4 and 6 and my social worker has advised me not to try to explain anything to them. 

This is the first birthday since the NC. 

[Finallyblooming]

I think the firsts are the hardest, when you want to reach out.

but if you don't think it'll be a benefit or a healthy choice in the long run... .

I don't think it's harsh, I think it's what you need to do to survive and the well being of your little ones. At that age, I don't think they would even understand what you were trying to tell them, but they probably know something isn't right.

What I'm hearing, I could be wrong, but this is a struggle that you're having, not necessarily your sis. So, why not do something that will fill that void?

Maybe bake a cake for dessert on that day, put on enough candles for everyone in the family and when the kids blow one out, they can make a birthday wish for aunty and you can blow one out and make a birthday wish for her as well. Maybe it'll help get over that hump of it being the first birthday, you're still giving her a wish, but you're also keeping your boundaries and convictions while still recognizing that even though you can't be together like you would like, you can still wish her the best on her day.