Fear of her doing well in the next relationship.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife was nutty to the max. Projection: that I was cheating, I was looking at her phone, I was seeing other women, that I and others were lying, etc, etc.

It was truly a horrible relationship.

We are separated waiting divorce. Most likely she has another boyfriend already as she disappears for the month I am away at work. IE she isn't at work for the time I am away.

I can not stop thinking and worrying that she will have a perfect life with the next guy, that our chemistry was wrong or that I was unsuitable for her thus causing the craziness. It has gotten to the point I cant sleep worrying about this, and I often wake with nightmares of her doing well and laughing and having a great life without me. I meant zero to her.

I am seeing a therapist who says most likely she is antisocial / NPD. The therapist has told me to think about myself and not her but I can not. My wife is very charismatic and charming on the outside. She is great to be with when out.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings?

[Indigo Sky]

My wife was nutty to the max. Projection: that I was cheating, I was looking at her phone, I was seeing other women, that I and others were lying, etc, etc.

It was truly a horrible relationship.

We are separated waiting divorce. Most likely she has another boyfriend already as she disappears for the month I am away at work. IE she isn't at work for the time I am away.

I can not stop thinking and worrying that she will have a perfect life with the next guy, that our chemistry was wrong or that I was unsuitable for her thus causing the craziness. It has gotten to the point I cant sleep worrying about this, and I often wake with nightmares of her doing well and laughing and having a great life without me. I meant zero to her.

I am seeing a therapist who says most likely she is antisocial / NPD. The therapist has told me to think about myself and not her but I can not. My wife is very charismatic and charming on the outside. She is great to be with when out.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings?

[Perfidy]

Hi Fuzzy Bunny. Hope you are doing well. That seems to be a fairly standard concern. The general consensus is that it won't be any different. I like the worry about yourself and let her go aspect. That would be the healthiest thing. Can't say I didn't wonder about her doing better than me. She might. She will always be the same miserable wretch no matter who she is with. Relationships don't fix anything. Relationships are like galaxies to black holes. Nothing will stop the suckieness.

[Indigo Sky]

Hi Perfidy, thanks for writing. Yes everyone tells me that it will be more of the same for the next guy but I have my doubts. Maybe it was just being with me. I cant sleep and I am thinking way too much.

[supernurse]

I have the exact same fear - to the point that I let my dBPDh come back home after kicking him out due to multiple affairs.  After the 2nd affair and subsequent diagnosis of BPD, I set a boundary and told him I would divorce him if he cheated again.  So after the 3rd affair, I made him leave the house.  But then I found out that he was dating another woman (just a week after leaving our home).  So, what did I do?  I broke my boundary and took him back.  I can't stand the thought that he could be happy with someone else but couldn't with me, which would prove his point - that I am the problem, not him.  It would kill me if he found someone who made him happy enough that he was willing to accommodate her needs and wants when mine were completely ignored.  I was told after every affair that if I just responded to him the way the other women did that everything would be great. 

Don't get me wrong - I didn't take him back solely for that reason (we've been together almost 20 years and have 3 kids - I do love him and wanted to spend forever with him), but it was a big part of the decision to let him come home.       

[Indigo Sky]

Hi Supernurse, thanks for sharing your experience with your husband.

My wife needs male attention from multiple sources as well. She doesn't want any responsibilities. Just fun. Her mother is sick and she could have taken care of her mother but she didn't want to. She said she would give money but couldn't stay with her for more than a few days. Her mum needs long term care. And at the same time my wife criticized the whole family for not taking care of her mother. She lives by a double standard.

I fell in love with MY image of my wife and not who she really is. My wife tried to get me thrown in jail after she assaulted me with metal locks and bit both my arms and kicked me repeatedly in the groin area. What did I do? I put my forearms up in a defensive position to protect my head from the metal locks she was swinging at me. I believe all this was planned to actually get me to hit her, which was her plan to have me charged with assault.

I believe they don't change or cant change but I am worried that the next person will bring her happiness. A crazy idea but one that I have a hard time with right now. I believe she is already living with another man but have no proof.

[Surnia]

Hi Fuzzy Bunny

I can relate very much with your post. 

I am in the same situation like you, my exh (at least N treats) has a new gf.

Sometimes I have the same voices in my head, saying, wow, with her it will work, she can handle this way better than you bla bla bla... .

I try to say, Surnia, stop. This is sort of emotional reasoning. You just don't know it. You know about his issues. What you are doing is comparing her with yourself which is not healthy. Take a deep breath and focus on something else... . and so on. So I can handle it quite well.

For me the bigger issue behind it is I guess, that I feel sometimes not worth for being loved. This is a very difficult thing, very sad  :'(

[goldylamont]

hi fuzzy bunny, i was just replying to another thread asking the same question. honestly, the answer is NO. no. the lock swinging woman who tried to get you thrown in jail is not better all the sudden. and if she's already *living* with another man then that's even a bigger red flag that she's jumping from the frying pan into the fire. the next guy is going to catch hell if he already isn't in it. the feelings will come up but trust that it's all bad. in a way i somewhat disagree with how early the concept of "don't worry about her just worry about you" is introduced especially when the wounds are so fresh. this statement is true, and trust your therapist over me. all i'm saying is, you're having to sort through a lot of lies right now and it's just easier to see her projected "happiness" with a new man for what it is--a lie and a manipulation to hurt you. a way for her to run away and self soothe. if she was better of with this new man and happy she would apologize to you genuinely and that's not the case.

[ZigofZag]

My wife was nutty to the max. Projection: that I was cheating, I was looking at her phone, I was seeing other women, that I and others were lying, etc, etc.

It was truly a horrible relationship.

We are separated waiting divorce. Most likely she has another boyfriend already as she disappears for the month I am away at work. IE she isn't at work for the time I am away.

I can not stop thinking and worrying that she will have a perfect life with the next guy, that our chemistry was wrong or that I was unsuitable for her thus causing the craziness. It has gotten to the point I cant sleep worrying about this, and I often wake with nightmares of her doing well and laughing and having a great life without me. I meant zero to her.

I am seeing a therapist who says most likely she is antisocial / NPD. The therapist has told me to think about myself and not her but I can not. My wife is very charismatic and charming on the outside. She is great to be with when out.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings?

Oh yes, all of the above. Stay strong, you will get through it. It takes time. Feels great when the release happens. Stay with it. It is worth it, the freedom. You are worth more and that is what you need to focus on. She is gone, there will be another life for you when you let go of the old one.

[Moonie75]

I personally suspect they 'act out' more & more from one relationship to the next as they gather more guilt & shame for their previous treatment of people who went before!

If this is a shame/abandonment based disorder I can't see how that wouldn't happen.

[Scout99]

I think it is fair to say that most of us go through a period during our own recovery after a failed r/s with a pw BPD where we worry about how their next r/s will work out, and in that also torment ourselves with blame for the failed relationship. Most of us had true feelings for our exes and didn't want things to end, or at least not the way it ended. So I think it is natural to ask ourselves these things... .

But just like most of you have said, the disorder is about a distorted fear of abandonment and a lot of shame. And usually the real or at least main reason for their relationships ending is the fact that they can't either sustain their feelings or they fear a perceived future abandonment... .

Having said that, some relationships with pw BPD do work... . Or at least manages to stand the tests of time... . Therefore there is of course also a component of the combination... .

I think the more intense the r/s is in the beginning, the greater the risk for it failing is also greater... . Also if we as partners have issues of our own with either control or addictiveness to the passion and intensity and expects that to create a solid foundation for a long term stable and intimate relationship, then you really from an objective perspective have a hazardous prescription for a relationship that combined with the borderline's fear of abandonment, engulfment and ultimately intimacy has a lot of components pointing towards failure at some point or another... .

In essence too much risk of pain for them and too high expectations on our part... . leads towards it not working out... .

But that is my take on it... . Just a theory, that is... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Moonie75]

I think it is fair to say that most of us go through a period during our own recovery after a failed r/s with a pw BPD where we worry about how their next r/s will work out, and in that also torment ourselves with blame for the failed relationship. Most of us had true feelings for our exes and didn't want things to end, or at least not the way it ended. So I think it is natural to ask ourselves these things... .

But just like most of you have said, the disorder is about a distorted fear of abandonment and a lot of shame. And usually the real or at least main reason for their relationships ending is the fact that they can't either sustain their feelings or they fear a perceived future abandonment... .

Having said that, some relationships with pw BPD do work... . Or at least manages to stand the tests of time... . Therefore there is of course also a component of the combination... .

I think the more intense the r/s is in the beginning, the greater the risk for it failing is also greater... . Also if we as partners have issues of our own with either control or addictiveness to the passion and intensity and expects that to create a solid foundation for a long term stable and intimate relationship. Then you have a hazardous prescription for a relationship that combined with the borderline s fear of abandonment, engulfment and ultimately intimacy has a lot of components pointing to failure at some point or another... .

In essence too much risk of pain for them and too high expectations on our part... . leads towards not working out... .

But that is my take on it... . Just a theory, that is... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

Scout99,

The message I'm getting from that is, the more they love us or stronger their feelings are for us, and ours for them, the more explosive it is & less likely to last?

[Scout99]

Scout99,

The message I'm getting from that is, the more they love us or stronger their feelings are for us, and ours for them, the more explosive it is & less likely to last?

Yes I think it could be so, at least in many cases... .

After all it takes two to tango... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

[clairedair]

Fuzzybunny - this is about the third post I've read today that talked about the chances of the next relationship being 'the real deal'.  I'm not sure how we could determine whether or not the relationship was going well.  We can't say that the relationship lasting a long time is proof that it's a successful partnership because many of us here can testify to the fact that our relationships were painful and unhealthy for many years but due to our own issues and those of pwBPD, we didn't leave.  I've also learned that those times when I thought we were really close were actually times of intensity and not intimacy - there's a big difference.

At times I too wonder why ex seems to be better in his new relationship.  Then I remember that when he first left me, he got involved with someone else very quickly.  She was everything he said he wanted/needed and I agreed with him.  I did not feel that she was better than me but really believed she would be better for him.  They were very serious very quickly but six months later he was back with me.  After years of going between us, he left me for the final time and instead of finally marrying her, instantly began dating a colleague who he married six months later. 

I personally suspect they 'act out' more & more from one relationship to the next as they gather more guilt & shame for their previous treatment of people who went before!

I agree with Moonie75 - I think one reason my ex had to move on to a third woman because he had left me and the ex-gf so many times that he could not live with either of us without feeling guilt/shame about how he had treated us.  With his new wife, there's no past history of him hurting her or her hurting him to get in the way of the honeymoon feeling.  Once the honeymoon is over, they could settle down to a mature, healthy marriage - I can't say that it's impossible.  But given his relationship history, I wouldn't bet my mortage on it... .

I just hope his marriage lasts long enough for me to get healthy so that I do well in the next relationship!

[SWLSR]

One should not worry about that.  She is trying to make the blame on you because she does not want to face what she did.  Protectyourself and dont worry about her

[bruceli]

My wife was nutty to the max. Projection: that I was cheating, I was looking at her phone, I was seeing other women, that I and others were lying, etc, etc.

It was truly a horrible relationship.

We are separated waiting divorce. Most likely she has another boyfriend already as she disappears for the month I am away at work. IE she isn't at work for the time I am away.

I can not stop thinking and worrying that she will have a perfect life with the next guy, that our chemistry was wrong or that I was unsuitable for her thus causing the craziness. It has gotten to the point I cant sleep worrying about this, and I often wake with nightmares of her doing well and laughing and having a great life without me. I meant zero to her.

I am seeing a therapist who says most likely she is antisocial / NPD. The therapist has told me to think about myself and not her but I can not. My wife is very charismatic and charming on the outside. She is great to be with when out.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings?

A few points... . past history usually dictates future behavior, to a point you are correct... . you were not compatible because she was PD and you were not... . In my experience, if they do not receive the proper intensive treatment for their PD the rest of their R/S and life will be the same and in most cases worst.

[Indigo Sky]

Thank you everyone for writing. It helps me a lot.

Her past relationship experiences were many and mostly less than 3 months in length.

I think once I am in another relationship I will stop worrying / thinking about how she is doing and start living my life.

I read other online articles in Tara P Shrinks4Men blog and echome.com and www.nurseleah.hubpages.com/hub/antisocialpersonalitydisorder101 and they are spot on and I listen to my T who says she will not be able to be in a real relationship ever... . even with all this knowledge... . and from others here as well... . I dwell on it... . and know it will go away once I have found someone else.

Thanks again everyone for writing, you have made me feel better inside reading your words, take care and best wishes to all