I can´t believe this...

[Blonde Mermaid]

After almost a month or so of my mother being "functional" today, because of a stupid thing, things are pretty bad at the moment.

I offered to pay for a couch that is in the living room, to be repaired, the cover is ripped and very soon my boyfriend will come from England to visit me, so we agreed that the house has to look better for when he comes.

Funny enough my mother is against some friends, but she likes our boyfriends and girlfriends, she probably thinks in her very own twisted mind that my boyfriend or my brother's gfs are potential new members of the family that will put up with her?

She had been so well lately I started thinking I could even talk about the book to her. (the stop walking on egg shells book) Anyway, she is pretty dumb with money and more than once she forgets about amounts and stuff.

So the guy that came to collect the couch had told her on the phone he was gonna charge this amount of money, let´s say for arguments sake it was 200 dollars.  When the guy came today in the morning my mother told him "so you said on the phone it was gonna be 250 right?"

The guy said yes.  He of course took advantage of her oblivious mind.  My brother had a go at her, telling her that if she didn´t care about her money she should care about mine.

So she was desperate calling the guy again and stuff and then she went hysterical saying that she couldn't make a mistake because we are very severe with her,

I told her, you know this is a lesson for you, because in the past you used to call ourselves materialistic

and we had to fight our right to have a computer at home, remember? (she said they were gonna rob us if we bought a PC)

I reminded her, she didn´t want us to buy a car either... . that this mistake was divine justice because now she knows what it feels like to be judged in a severe way, just like she did to us in the past... .

"cant you guys just use public transport or go to cyber cafes"

yeah, her logic is twisted like that.

In any case, she said that I, was still here (living in her house) because I wanted my revenge for all the things she did to me when i was a kid, and I told her, that's your very twisted reality, the thing is, you never learn to take care of things... . she is soo soo clumsy with stuff and money.

She has never earned much money, and all she has now, are the things my deceased father left for her.

In any case the discussion heated up and then my brother had a go at me for upsetting her, he said that he was defending my money and that instead of thanking him, I made things worse.

I told him (I didn't want to bring the book topic like that, )

"Remember the book? you are the one that is stopping her from looking for professional help!"

I told my mother about the book and how I wasn't gonna allow her to make my life miserable anymore, over stupid things.

She of course was pretty mad and said that asking her to see a therapist is disrespect.  

Then she said that if i was really interested in her that I should pay for her therapy! (she has free medical service, thanks to my dad, and she can see psychologists for free)

I told her... . if you are willing to go, and I find someone that charges me a good price, will you really go?

She was quiet for a few seconds and then she said:

"just one thing, before you start paying for a psychologist you should know I will probably die soon"

She said she has had strange symptoms lately and she went to the clinic and the doctors asked her to get cancer tests done... . and now she is waiting for the results... .

So turns out my brother and her had been hiding the whole tests thing for over a month.

I feel quite upset with both of them... . they have been making plans in case she dies and stuff, without consulting me, because as my mother points out, I am so selfish I don´t care about her nor her health and she asked my brother to keep the secret... .

I am very very angry!

[GeekyGirl]

It sounds like you had a rough day, Mermaid.   

Getting someone with BPD to seek treatment can be tricky. There's some good information here: Helping a loved one with BPD seek treatment that might be of help to you.

As for the health scare, I'd be pretty upset too, if I felt like my mother had been keeping that kind of information from me. At the same time, it's her body and her choice to share or not share that. I can imagine that you feel somewhat betrayed, and that's understandable. Do you believe your mother? If so, would you do anything differently if she does have a serious medical condition?

Your mother has said some things that I'm sure were very hurtful to hear. What could you do the next time she criticizes you for spending money or putting yourself first?

[Blonde Mermaid]

Geeky girl I have decided to not have a go at her anymore when she makes stupid mistakes.

When she calls me selfish i will probably ignore her.

Because that upsets my brother and then they both will be against me.

I believe her strange symptoms but somehow she always makes us believe things are worse than they really are.  Same thing with the doctors.  Somehow she does that to the doctors as well because many doctors have told her that maybe she has an incurable disease and turns out it was something easy to cure.

Some years ago she had her gallbladder removed, because she had stones.

And as our dad had recently died, both my brother and I were very scared when she told us she needed surgery.  One of the brothers that sexually abused her as a kid is a doctor (only God knows how he got his degree)so she made a complete soap opera about the whole surgery thing. 

She hired a lawyer to prevent her brother to be inside the surgery room when she got surgery.  (yeah, like her brother was gonna know)

To trigger her paranoia even more, one of the surgeons that was gonna operate her, went to medical school with her brother.  (my very sick uncle)  But no matter how many times, this doctor told her that her surgery was private and her brother wasn´t gonna know about it, still she hired a lawyer and threatened the doctor to really keep her surgery private (like she was the center of the universe, heh)

At the time we were so young, my brother and I and we agreed on everything she asked for, before the surgery took place. 

The surgery lasted for like two hours.  Two long hours my brother and I endured by ourselves in the waiting room.  Then the surgeon approached us to let us know that the surgery was a success.

That it was very simple and that she was gonna be fine after a couple of days.

So nothing of the horrible things she told us were gonna happen, really happened.  Later on i read on the internet that gallbladder surgeries were common and very minor.

I might sound like an insensitive bhit, but I don´t really think she´s got cancer.  She might have something, she always develops illnesses (psychosomatic ones) and then she gets treated and then she is fine.

She is dependent on doctors.  But she doesn't want to see a therapist... .

And guess who are the ones that always take care of her? my brother and I, of course.

Mind you I am talking about a 55 year old woman, a very young mother.  I have known people in their 70´s that are more physically independent than her.

[Finallyblooming]

Hi there,

I can understand your frustration and glad that you were able to find your way here.

My BPD+++ mother is also very medically focused. It's where she gains most of her attention. I find it very sad that is where she chooses to find her a lot of her validation.

I have come to think of it almost like a child with a "boo boo" they come running and want it kissed and a bandaid even if there isn't any visible cut or scratch.

My MIL also would do things like that. She had cancer and called out across the country that she had 3 weeks to live, we were military so it was a huge process to get to where she was, I was also 9 months pregnant but insisted that I show up too. Who am I to deny a dying woman. We got there, she had everyone there, people flew in from both coasts. In truth, it was not 3 weeks, the Dr never once gave a time limit on her life. She just wanted to see who would come to her. I ended up in labor from the trip and she was FURIOUS that I had the audacity to give birth to her first grandchild when she was lime-lighting. LOL (It actually turned out for the best, my D21 was born with severe problems, if she had been born on the AFB, she probably would have died, so MIL actually saved my daughters life, I gave my D21 MIL's name as a middle name to show my gratitude, she loved that and her attitude changed).

I think they need that reassurance that someone cares if they live or die, like we all do. They just take it to a different level.