anyone working on it with husband & young kids?

[allibaba]

My H accuses me of everything and makes me admit to what he thinks "I" am thinking. If I try to explain to him what I actually thought, it will just make things worse. Because he cannot take "NO" or accept the fact that what he thought was wrong.

Hi Viso,

I don't mean to sidetrack this thread but just wanted to ask you about your comment above.  How do you feel about these situations where your husband 'makes you agree' on what "you" are thinking?  The reason that I ask is that I remember having this type of situation play out in our house - where my husband demanded that I agree to something even though I wholeheartedly disagreed!  In the end at times... . I would just agree to make it all stop and it was horrible for me.

I got some advice from a therapist (someone very experienced with BPD) saying that I needed to find a way to speak my truth (even though sometimes that just involved not arguing and somehow sidestepping the landmine of agreeing with what I disagreed with!).  Man oh man it was a struggle though.  Does this situation bother you?  Are you able to express your truth?  There's a lot of really experienced folks on this board that may have advise on how they have handled it because I think its a common BPD thing.  If it doesn't bother you or you already have solutions... . sorry for bringing it up... . just wondered.  Maybe topic for a separate post?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[allibaba]

Yeah, everyone always advises someone to leave a relationship - then they try to fix them up into a new one!  Only you can make the final decision.

Its SO true!  I wonder sometimes why our society is so keen to dispose of relationships.  I mean... . we all know people that have been married 3-5 times.  The problem is that everyone just keeps telling you to move on at the slightest hint of difficulty.  Granted I think many of us have experienced a little more than "slight difficulty."   

Momtara I respect the fact that you are so willing to keep looking at your relationship despite everything you have been through... . but I also respect your willingness to look at divorce in the face of the things that you have been through!

[nevaeh]

I don't mean to sidetrack this thread but just wanted to ask you about your comment above.  How do you feel about these situations where your husband 'makes you agree' on what "you" are thinking?  The reason that I ask is that I remember having this type of situation play out in our house - where my husband demanded that I agree to something even though I wholeheartedly disagreed!  In the end at times... . I would just agree to make it all stop and it was horrible for me.

I got some advice from a therapist (someone very experienced with BPD) saying that I needed to find a way to speak my truth (even though sometimes that just involved not arguing and somehow sidestepping the landmine of agreeing with what I disagreed with!).  Man oh man it was a struggle though.  Does this situation bother you?  Are you able to express your truth?  There's a lot of really experienced folks on this board that may have advise on how they have handled it because I think its a common BPD thing.  If it doesn't bother you or you already have solutions... . sorry for bringing it up... . just wondered.  Maybe topic for a separate post?

Great subject for a new post! This is something I have struggled with FOREVER!  There are so many subjects that I don't agree with my H's opinions on... . I used to argue points with him but he just doesn't know when to shut up and agree go disagree.  Many times our disagreement would turn into him screaming at me and telling me how stupid I am for thinking that way.  My family knows that any political subjects are basically off limits when H is around.  H can make it very uncomfortable very quickly. 

[momtara]

Hubby is becoming really dysregulated now that I told him the divorce is going to continue.  He's acting so scary that I am glad to be getting away, but at the same time, I know that he was getting help for this behavior and controlling it a few months ago when he thought we might get back together.  So even though it would have taken a lot of work and struggle over the years, it's sad to me that I am his best bet for staying ok and getting help, and I am letting the chance of that go.  Mental illness is mental illness and even though I know he should keep getting help after we get divorced, he won't, or it won't be good enough. 

[zaqsert]

Hi Momtara,

It must be hard to see him get so dysregulated and act so scary.  And I can certainly understand feeling sad about "letting the chance [... . ] go".

For what it's worth right now, it may help to remember that his own mental health is ultimately something that only he can own.  No matter who may be there to support him (or enable him), he would have to realize that he needs to own it and only he can really do the work to help himself.  Still, after all the years you spent together, it's very understandable that you would feel as you do.

Just the other day I had a brief conversation with our marital T.  We had not seen her in a few months, and she reached out to see how things are going and whether we want to pick it up again.  She said that she is there for us and for my uBPDw any time.  But she also said that for my wife to really want to work on things, she will probably have to hit some sort of low AND she will have to figure out that she is accountable for her own life.  Not others, not me, not our D2, only her.  I don't know if she will get there.  And if she does, I don't know when or what it will take.  Our T doesn't either.

It must have taken a lot of strength for you to reevaluate whether you really want to continue with the divorce, and a whole lot of strength to decide that you do.  Kudos to you for really focusing on what you and your kids need.



zaqsert