anyone working on it with husband & young kids?

[momtara]

Just wondering if there are positive examples of it working in this kind of situation, and how it's going, and what your circumstances are.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PeppermintTea]

I'm just bumping this post up... .

I'm in the same position and would also like to know if anyone with young children has stayed and made it work?

PT

[allibaba]

Hi,

I stayed and I have an 18 month old boy.  We've had huge changes in our marriage since I started putting boundaries in place (February).  We've had some major, major, major extinction bursts:

*  brief ones during April as I became more clear on boundaries and

*  the entire month of July he was completely dyregulated as he was dealing with the culmination of unrelated stress in his life.  

The extinction bursts from my husband have been really, really difficult to get through (read: almost crippling to our relationship).  I had to get pretty extreme to get through to him that the old way was over.  Overall I feel like its a positive path that we are on.

Recently (over the last month) for the first time in our marriage, my husband has been able to stop converting his stress onto me (i.e. I feel bad so it must be your fault/ you are a bad, evil person).  Now he is able to verbalize -- "I am stressed because I hate my job and it makes me feel like I hate my life.  Since I can't deal I am going to hide in the basement and play video games."  For the first time he's using tools to deal with his stress and understand that it is internally generated (I broke his mother's bowl earlier this week - she died in 2002 - and he didn't say a word and went to sleep for an hour to get through what he later called a 'massive anxiety attack'.  

Its not perfect and I have had to learn that its ok for him to get pissed off about stuff... . in fact its normal... . its his journey and I can't fix him (and to try to do so is a disservice to him and takes away his opportunity to learn and grow).  He's going to therapy for the first time.  Visited the gp and asked for a referral to psychiatrist.  

I feel like being with my husband gives me a better opportunity to protect my son and give him a shot at a normal life.  If we split then my son would be spending time alone with my husband and would no doubt be the target of his anger at times and I wouldn't be there laying down solid boundaries.  I feel like enforcing solid, loving boundaries is our family's only shot at a good life.

All this being said, my husband is a really good dad (obviously his BPD lack of patience isn't great) but he has solid child rearing instincts and he's excellent and understands the value of boundaries in raising his son.  He's also an incredibly loving man when he's not dyregulated.

When things are good for more than 2 weeks, I start to get nervous.  LOL My expectation right now is not that the bad times GO AWAY... . my goal is to see the frequency decrease and improve my own ability to handle them.

Hope that this helps.

[Silkroad]

i am dealing with the BPD traits in my husband and we have 2 under 5's. I am learning so much in this board. I am not so angry at him anymore, and, as we have been together 10 years now, i learned not to lean on him to meet my emotional needs, he just is unable to. we have some difficult times, specially with the silence treatment, but we have good times too. It is a hard path, but doable. Get to understand yourself more and by looking after yourself and the kids, you have more energy to understand this illness and work to improve the relationship... .

[nevaeh]

Married 18 years to uBPDh... . 3 kids D15, S12, S8

I have wanted to leave for many years but didn't want H to have visitation with kids too young to understand and/or stand up for themselves.  Middle son in particular has been target of many of H's rages over the years (starting at about age 3).  I have had to step in many times to protect S12.  I don't regret making that decision.  S12 is a difficult child, I admit that, but H doesn't know how to deal with it - he thinks the only thing that works is yelling and humiliation.  Quite the opposite.

It's certainly a tradeoff between staying to protect the kids but risking their exposure to H's wild behavior.  I chose to stay because the wild behavior wasn't frequent enough that I didn't feel like it could be handled and/or dealt with.  I have never apologized for my H's behavior to my kids.  I have always made sure they know I am on their side and that I will protect them.  I have also tried to make sure they have some understanding that H's rages aren't personal to them, but that he just can't deal with stress and things not going his way in a healthy or rational way.  I also use H's behavior as an example as to why it is important to try and stay calm when working through problems with others.  I think it is extremely important for kids with a BPD parent to have another parent to offset the negativity and make them know they are loved unconditionally and that they have a "safe" person to talk to.  I feel really bad for kids in a situation with a crazy BPD parent with no one to confide in. 

I should add that my H does not think he has any issues other than an anger issue.  He has gone to about 4 counseling sessions in the past 18 years.  He refuses to believe he needs help and thinks he can manage his "anger" issues on his own.  If your H acknowledges that he has a problem that needs to be worked on then I would say that puts you a few steps ahead of the game (in a good way).

Good luck!

[Viso]

I have a one and three year old. Like allibaba, my BPD H is a great dad apart from his lack of patience. He is willing to learn about what is the best way to communicate with the kids... . I get him all sorts of books to read. One problem is that he will either believe in it strongly and make everyone do things his way or completely disagree with it and trash it. Very extreme... . I watch closely that he is not going overboard with the kids. (Even though I have to be very careful because sometimes voicing out may make him even more upset and scary in front of the kids) Another thing that I worry about is how well my H can handle it when the kids start talking back at him.

I educate my H of the negatives if we argue or rage in front of the kids. At the same time, I prepare my kids for my H's rage... . I tell them that their daddy is upset and taught them to go give daddy a hug and ask him if he is ok and not to be upset. My H would soften immediately. Kids can be a very powerful tool to help their BPD parent to become less impulsive. I am not saying the kids can change him but at least by delaying his anger and his bursting out, he may be less angry and more open to listening when you can talk to him.

Living with a BPD requires ongoing learning and many trial and errors. You cant control your BPD spouse... . you can only learn to prevent or be aware when he will burst.

Considering all the goods and bads... . I think it is better to have the kids grow up in a family with both mom and dad. Unless your BPD spouse becomes violent on the kids then it is a different story. My H shook me before but I know because of his BPD, if I leave, he will suffer even more. And I know he regrets doing that, just of course he is still blaming me for making him act that way.

[momtara]

Those are good examples and stories.  Thanks!

I am wondering if your husbands do anything other than the rages at you and verbal abuse?  (Not to minimize that, but just curious about other behaviors... . )

My husband's big thing was that he got so angry last year that he told the police I abused the kids.  He also would be very controlling (not let me take them to the park, for instance).  

I am mid-divorce and trying to figure out if there are any last ditch reasons I should stay and work on it like you guys are, since hubby IS getting counseling finally and admitting his flaws.  I wanted to know I did everything I could.  I would rather not break up a family.  It's good to know it CAN be done... . in certain circumstances.

Most of the examples on this board are negative, so I was wondering if there are POSTITIVE examples of people working their way through it, that we don't hear about as often.

It seems like this is the way to look at it:  If your husband is abusive to you at times but is a decent dad, maybe that's workable, depending on how miserable he makes your life, and how often, and if you can actually function to get to the good stuff, and if he will get counseling for what he says to you.  I know there is a breaking point.  I admire those who are staying to be able to protect the kids all the time.

Seems like in all of your cases, your hubby is at least, if not a great dad, not bad with the kids.  The difference in my situation was that he actually told lies to the police.  So I still have stuff to think about, but I am looking at your examples, because divorce is a big step.

[PeppermintTea]

thank you for starting this thread momtara.

All these replies have been really useful to me. My children are 3 and 2 years old.

I am kind of undecided but leaning towards wanting to stay a) in order to protect my children all the time and b) because their dad can be a lot of fun and they love him. If we separated I don't think they would get the quality dad side of him as often as they do at the moment.

I want to learn how to defuse his anger though and to show him how much it helps to have patience and to correct the children in a loving way instead of snapping or being angry.

Another thing I wanted to ask - do any of you ver feel sad (almost like a mourning feeling) for the family life you though you were working towards and which you are probably unlikely to ever have? I have a couple of married friends with children and I see how supportive and hands on their husbands are and I think... . 'that's how I imagined it to be'. Makes me sad. I know I have to be content and accepting of what I've got in order to make peace with our lives and carry on but I'm finding it quite hard sometimes.

[Evalon]

I have a couple of married friends with children and I see how supportive and hands on their husbands are and I think... . 'that's how I imagined it to be'.

This is what my husband looks like when we are out, so your friends' husbands may act differently behind closed doors.  My husband only flips out on me and usually only when we are alone, (except now our kids witness it too at times).

Thank you for posting this.  I am in the same situation as the rest of you.  I am married to a Jekyll and Hyde guy who can be a great dad and adore me at times, and at other times, he dysregulates and accuses ME of the very crazy behavior that he is exhibiting.  It's very difficult, especially when he makes his accusations for our kids to hear.  Our kids are 6, 4, and 1.5. 

For Alibabba, and others who have imposed boundaries and used tools that are working, can you please give specific examples of how you have done it?  I find it very hard to impose boundaries when my kids are around.  For example, when my husband is verbally abusing me, I can't just leave the house without my kids, and I feel like I can't leave with them all, especially at night when they are going to bed and we have no one to go.

[PeppermintTea]

For Alibabba, and others who have imposed boundaries and used tools that are working, can you please give specific examples of how you have done it?  I find it very hard to impose boundaries when my kids are around.  For example, when my husband is verbally abusing me, I can't just leave the house without my kids, and I feel like I can't leave with them all, especially at night when they are going to bed and we have no one to go.

I am also wondering about this. I do have places I can take the children to eg family and friends, however you're right, you can't just up and vacate the place when it's bedtime or tea time etc as that's just not fair. I would also be interested in specific examples of boundary setting and enforcing with the kids around... .

[momtara]

"your friends' husbands may act differently behind closed doors. "

I had the same thought.  I was talking to a friend about my situation, and she confessed that her husband threatens to leave her when they fight.  And she is so sweet!

QUESTION:  Is the issue for all of you verbal abuse, or is there more?  Does he take any of his anger out on the kids or threaten to say you abused them or anything like that?  Would you stay if he did?

[nevaeh]

For Alibabba, and others who have imposed boundaries and used tools that are working, can you please give specific examples of how you have done it?  I find it very hard to impose boundaries when my kids are around.  For example, when my husband is verbally abusing me, I can't just leave the house without my kids, and I feel like I can't leave with them all, especially at night when they are going to bed and we have no one to go.

I sometimes think my H subconsciously waited until kids were getting ready for bed to start the madness.  Also, bedtime can be a little crazy with 3 little kids, and for my H, lack of control and general disorder is a huge trigger for him.  Kids not wanting to brush their teeth, stalling because they don't want to go to bed, not wanting to take their bath, etc... . all of those things could and did trigger him.  But, at the same time it was like he knew if he started in on me/kids there was no way I could leave.  I tried it a couple of times... . actually packed bags for the kids at 10pm on a school night and was packing up the car while he was yelling at me and when I finally started putting the kids in the car he told me he would leave and then would go drive around or do whatever for an hour or so.  I would have gone to a hotel.  I have tried over the years locking myself in a room but if he is in the middle of a rage he finds a way to get in.  Basically when he gets really bad, the only thing that stops him is when I literally lose it myself and we end up screaming in each other's faces.  I am normally a very calm and patient person but I can become just as mean and ugly as he is when the situation calls for it.  I hate it when that happens, and its usually followed by several days/weeks of basically the silent treatment.

I can remember H getting so mad at my middle son (now 12) starting probably at the age of 3, that my son would throw up from sobbing so hard.  When you are 3 and you have someone screaming in your face to brush your teeth it's hard to actually focus on brushing your teeth - instead you are probably too scared to do anything.  Add to that, middle son was in the height of asperger's syndrome symptoms but I hadn't figured that out yet.  So naturally middle son did things that didn't always make sense and tended to make even a patient person lose their cool. 

I also remember H going into one of his rages on middle son the night I brought our youngest son home from the hospital.  MS wouldn't go to bed so H started screaming at him (again, MS threw up, which made H even madder).  I had literally been home from the hospital for about 5 hours and this was again at bedtime so there was no way I could pack up everything and leave. 

I guess I'm not really any help for those trying to figure out how to set boundaries with pwBPD as they relate to their kids.  My experience is that once the kids get old enough to be seemingly "in control" of their own actions his rages would be more frequently directed at them or around them.  I would say that I am an extremely protective mom... . any time H has laid a hand on MS I step in and it gets ugly between the two of us very quickly.  I can put up with a lot of crap from H, but when it comes to the kids I have ZERO tolerance for him.  H can be just plain rotten mean, especially to our MS.  Again, the main reason I have stayed this long is really to protect my kids.  I rarely left them alone with him and and when I did it created a lot of anxiety for me. 

If you have a BPDh and young kids, my advice is that you need to be ready to step in and protect those kids.  Be there for them when they witness your H's rages.  Don't make excuses for his behavior, and make sure they know that while the child may have done something they shouldn't have/or didn't do something they were supposed to do, that their offense shouldn't have triggered such a response from dad.  My kids know, 100%, that I am there for them and that I will protect them.  They are old enough now that when H and I split, if H acts out with kids at his house it will be very unlikely that the kids will want to spend any time with him at all.  That actually isn't my goal... . I want them to have a relationship with their dad.  I just want the relationship to be positive.  I want them to have a dad who cheers them on and who is nice to them and acts like he cares. 

I have a couple of married friends with children and I see how supportive and hands on their husbands are and I think... . 'that's how I imagined it to be'.

I have friends/acquaintances who also think my H is a great dad and husband. If they were to see him in the middle of one of his rages they would be shocked.  I have women tell me all the time how lucky I am... . we do seem to have the perfect life... . kids are smart/successful in school/good athletes, we live in a very nice home and seem to be living the american dream. You never know what those "perfect" guys are like when they are at home with their wife and kids.

[nevaeh]

Also, if your BPDh's are anything like mine, when they are in the middle of a rage, there is NOTHING... . no boundary, nothing you can say or do, that will stop them in their tracks and make them stop.

We tried marriage counseling once and his anger did come up.  The T told us that I should have a sign (like raising my hand or a code word or something) that I would use if H has lost it and needs to be brought back to reality.  I was too scared to tell the T that there is NO stopping H when he is at that place.

During the middle of a rage with MS, for example, H once smacked him up-side the head.  I immediately got up in his face and told him that he would not ever lay a hand on our kids again... . to which he screamed that he would do whatever the hell he wanted to do.  It is really scary when he gets like that (doesnt happen that often thank God), but at that point I know that if I don't stand up to him and show him that I will protect my kids at any cost he just might do something to them. 

Hopefully your BPDh's are more receptive to shutting it off while in the middle of a rage, or are willing to leave when you ask them to.  My H will not stop and will not leave so it just escalates quickly.

[PeppermintTea]

With my H it's not so much a full blown screaming rage with the children. That has happened only once and I told him in no uncertain terms what would occur if I ever saw that again (ie a call to my brother and dad who are 5 mins away, bags packed and him out.) I really can't tolerate it. 

With him it is more a constant low mood, ignoring their attempts to interact with him and snapping / sniping at them for really trivial stuff constantly. I have told him that this will be bad for their self esteem. They need to know they are important to him and that they haven't done anything wrong, also that they are kids and making a mess, not listening first time etc etc are all normal and can be dealt with kindly not with a put down.  I reinforce this with them constantly - that they are really important and loved and it isn't their fault that their daddy isn't talking etc.

However I am worried that his behaviour towards them will influence their self esteem and also their perception of how 'men' and 'relationships' are.

He is an angry person but it is like a simmering, corrosive anger that eats away at him and makes him pick away at the people around him until they have just had enough. I think this is just as damaging to those around him (I know I have suffered from his bitterness) but maybe not as physically threatening or frightening.

I just don't know how to tackle it.

[briefcase]

I am mid-divorce and trying to figure out if there are any last ditch reasons I should stay and work on it like you guys are, since hubby IS getting counseling finally and admitting his flaws.  I wanted to know I did everything I could.  I would rather not break up a family.  It's good to know it CAN be done... . in certain circumstances.

Most of the examples on this board are negative, so I was wondering if there are POSTITIVE examples of people working their way through it, that we don't hear about as often.

It seems like this is the way to look at it:  If your husband is abusive to you at times but is a decent dad, maybe that's workable, depending on how miserable he makes your life, and how often, and if you can actually function to get to the good stuff, and if he will get counseling for what he says to you.  I know there is a breaking point.  I admire those who are staying to be able to protect the kids all the time.

It's going to require a pretty big mental transition on your part to go from mid-divorce to fully engaged in staying.  If that's what you want to do (stay), I suspect it's going to be more of a process that takes time.  The concepts and tools we work with take a lot of time and practice and require a very different mind-set.  

As you read on this board, keep in mind that members come here, like they come to any support group, when times are difficult and they need help. So, we get a lot of topics where our members share some of their pain and frustration.  It's much less common that someone comes here to say everything is going great (but it does happen).  

We don't tolerate abuse (verbal, physical, or emotional) directed at ourselves or our children.  We don't try to change, control or fix our partners.  We take conscious control over our lives by being proactive about taking care of our own issues and needs, and less reactive to the dysregulated emotions of our partners.

Success here is generally not a fairy tale ending.  But, what you learn is that you don't need your husband to turn into a prince for you to stop feeling like Cinderella.  We aren't victims here.

[PeppermintTea]

QUESTION:  Is the issue for all of you verbal abuse, or is there more?  Does he take any of his anger out on the kids or threaten to say you abused them or anything like that?  Would you stay if he did?

My H has never physically hurt the kids or me. He has said to my face that all his problems with our children are because I don't parent them correctly. Eg with regard to our two year olds tantrums (totally normal stuff) which he can't deal with and ends up really mad,  he shouted at me "you should have nipped that in the bud at 6 months!"

He has never threatened me or told lies about me (that I know of). He 'remembers' many incidents differently to me though.

I don't leave him alone with our kids for more than an hour at a time and haven't done since the smallest was born 2 years ago. I don't trust him to respond to their needs, to deal with them appropriately or to tell me the truth about how their time together has been. Therefore I will only trust him with them for up to an hour (say if I need to go get my hair cut or something like that). They go to nursery when I'm at work and trusted family or friends if I need to be away from them for longer than an hour. H doesn't like this as he thinks it makes him look inadequate but he has accepted it.

If my H did tell the police of social service that I abused our kids I think that would be a deal breaker for me also.  

[Evalon]

Wow, the fast responses to this post illustrate that this topic is long overdue. Your descriptions of your husbands sound like they could have been written by me. nevaeh, I especially identify with H staying on you until you lose it yourself and then of course he can use that to argue that you "do the same."

As for false accusations, my husband has not made any to authorities or any other adults. However, he does accuse me of the very things he does in front of the kids, "yelling," taking anger out on the kids," "scaring them," "lying." And so on. They adore him and take what he says as gospel so I find that really scary and harmful. They believe what he tells them.

[briefcase]

nevaeh, I especially identify with H staying on you until you lose it yourself and then of course he can use that to argue that you "do the same."

Our reactions are something we have 100% complete control over.   

[yeeter]

Hi mom

I aborted divorce at the last minute (after a few months of the process, financial plans, etc). It can be done. There was an event that triggered a Change in my thinking, and I decided to put all of my abilities and energies into staying

The underlying reasons were that I firmly believe that my kids are better off with me in their lives in a daily basis. This has proven to be true many times over. And, it was obvious that if I divorced it was going to be a bitter, contentious, vindictive 'coparenting' arrangement where she would fight every single item with my involvement. I have seen her do this in the past and know what it would be like

So I decided to stay. A choice between two non ideal choices (such is life, and acceptance helps allow a commitment to the choice)

If we could have arranged a more same coparenting approach, I would have followed through with the divorce (so in a way the decision was based on fear... . )

It's not great in the current state.  But I took the two years to come to the decision so made it and don't look back or play 'what ifs'. That will only build resentment. And resentment destroys relationships. It's my responsibility to prevent it from creeping in

Will look forward to following this thread. Difficult decisions.

[PeppermintTea]

 But I took the two years to come to the decision so made it and don't look back or play 'what ifs'. That will only build resentment. And resentment destroys relationships. It's my responsibility to prevent it from creeping in

yeeter, how do you do this?

I really, really want to stay and make this situation work (it is not ideal) but I genuinely do not know how to prevent these feelings of resentment towards my H.

Is there any reading or practise that you can recommend?

I cannot stop thinking "what if".

What if I stay and his behaviour undermines the kids self esteem

What if I go and he carries through his suicide

What if I go and he sinks into homelessness and is unavailable to the kids

What if I stay and in 10, 15, 20 years I'm old and looking back wishing I'd had a different relationship.

Then I feel resentment and anger creeping in. I really want to stop myself from thinking like this.

[momtara]

My husband accuses me of yelling too, when he is the one yelling!  Pretty typical.  As someone has said here before, every accusation is really a confession... .

You are all very strong and brave and smart.

[allibaba]

For Alibabba, and others who have imposed boundaries and used tools that are working, can you please give specific examples of how you have done it?  I find it very hard to impose boundaries when my kids are around.  For example, when my husband is verbally abusing me, I can't just leave the house without my kids, and I feel like I can't leave with them all, especially at night when they are going to bed and we have no one to go.

Tools used:  

1.  Validation (not just saying the words but truly putting myself in his shoes)

2.  Stopped Justifying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining

3.  Boundaries to stop verbal abuse.  Here is the link to the beginning of my boundaries journey and I know a few people found it helpful.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.msg12248803#msg12248803  

This was tough in the beginning.  I mean it was horrible and I don't mean emotionally a little uncomfortable... . I mean the bottom pits of hell/ threats/ borderline violent -- difficult.  I believe that around kids, we need to do everything to protect them from the backlash.  I reserved my real 'stand for something' or 'stand for nothing' moments for after my little boy was asleep/ in daycare.  

Sometimes I could only go outside and sit on the front porch or go for a walk.  A few months ago, I made my husband pull over to the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and let me out because I wasn't going to be trapped in the car listening to verbal abuse.  

Now that I have made my point -- sometimes all I need to say is "I'm not going to discuss that with you"... . Everytime he gets stressed he likes to critisize my efficiency especially with housework.  Its not open for debate now... . if he starts my response is: "I'm not going to discuss that with you." If he starts swearing or calling me names then its "i love you but I'm uncomfortable with this conversation so I am going to go take a bath" or "I am going to leave this conversation before I say something I regret."  And he backs off.  Before boundaries he would follow me around the house and berate me.  One time I locked the bathroom door so he broke it down (that was pre-kids).  A while back, I left the house in a hurry with our son because he threatened to cave my face in because I walked away from his verbal abuse (part of a very bad month - eeek).  I went to a DM shelter for a few nights.  Extreme I know... . but extreme behavior called for extreme measures.

My husband is a good dad (yes - he really is) ... . so sometimes when I had to exit... . I left our son with him and sometimes I took him along with me.  He also never targets my son and I trust my husband with him (safety, care, etc)... . that made this easier and less disruptive.  

My husband viewed boundaries as HUGE abandonment when he NEEDED me.  The reality is that since he had no other way to deal with stress he needed me to be his emotional punching bag.  Or better -- HE THOUGHT that he needed me to be his emotional punching bag.  Allowing him to do this was hugely enabling on my part.  I went back and forth from being a doormat to exploding because I couldn't take it anymore for somewhere between 3 and 5 years.  

It was a relief to find tools that work.  I really believe in my husband so no matter how bad things got (get) I still fight for this.  I guess I finally stepped back and realized how much I enabled his downward spiral... . and believe that the minimum he deserved was EVERYTHING I HAVE   to reverse our patterns of behavior.  

Basically something clicked inside of me and I realized that something HAD to change and since it wasn't going to be him... . it had to be me.  I took a lot of advice from folks on these boards (and had to ignore a little advice too -- ).  Regardless of whether my relationship ends up being successful or not... . I know that I have to continue down this path.   The other point is that even though my husband has done really horrible things to me... . I trust him (odd, I know)... . he would never go to the police and tell them I did something that I didn't.  Momtara, that would be a fundamental deal breaker for me.  I just wouldn't be able to trust him.

Hope this helps.

[momtara]

Very useful info!

[yeeter]

yeeter, how do you do this?

I really, really want to stay and make this situation work (it is not ideal) but I genuinely do not know how to prevent these feelings of resentment towards my H.

Hi peppermint.   

It's one of the hardest things (at least for me) to own the responsibility of preventing my own resentment.  The fact that you recognize and acknowledge it is a huge step, and that it's destructive to staying.   

For me the first part was accepting that I made a choice.  I didn't 'have' to do one thing or another.  I CHOSE. Again, I didn't like either choice, but a choice had to b made.  Accepting the reality that the relationship would never be as I 'wanted' it to be.  But that knowing this, I still chose to stay. 

And then shifting my thinking to attack it like I would other things in life.  Put all my capabilities and resources towards it.  Including learning new skills and thinking and behavior.

If the resentment starts creeping in, I remind myself of the reality of the situation that I knew very clearly when I made the decision to stay.  A reminder of what I can, and can not get from the relationship and taking the responsibility to get needed pieces from other parts of my life. 

To be clear it's still a journey.  And always will be.  But that's at least part of it for me.

[AnitaL]

This has been a useful thread for me too, as I deal with my uBPDh and 3 little ones (D5, D3, and 5 month old baby boy).  We've had good stretches and pretty bad ones, but the tools and periodic advice here have helped tremendously.  I still battle the resentment creeping in as well, and second-guess many of my decisions in our interactions, wondering if I am being loving or enabling, etc.  I still also wonder if I am protecting my kids or setting them up for a difficult situation during their less endearing teen years by staying, but my H is generally a great dad.  It's kind of the only thing he's capable of doing well right now, and I know that the kids love him deeply as he loves them.  That, combined with my desire to prevent being separated from them after a divorce, is a major reason I stay.  I'm very nervous about our future, and I admit I envy people in relationships who are not constantly battling this disorder, but I am doing my best to make it work.  He is finally making another attempt at therapy now, so that's a start.

Momtara, my first response was that your situation (false accusation of abuse) would be a deal-breaker for me too.  However, I have come to realize that the people outside the relationship do not always get the complexities of the full story, so I don't think I can truly say what I would do in your shoes. I would say, though, that a situation like this would take the issues I face to another, far more serious, level.  I wish you the best with whatever path you choose.

[momtara]

Thanks, Anita.

This weekend, I have been wondering if there are any circumstances in which I would take him back.  Ground rules to set, stuff like that.  You are all an inspiration and are very strong.

Thanks for answering my question about the abuse.  It is hard to live with someone who may be conspiring against you - that's the problem.

[Wanda]

 

My kids are all grown up now but were 2 6 and 10 when i met my Bpd husband, and we married when they were 5 and 9 and 13  he was already living with us... wasn't easy but raised them to know my husband use to be a alcoholic and some of his ways deals with that, and t he effect of alcoholism.  he was recovered at the time 9 years. i raised them to know to walk away when things were rough i taught them the skills ,which helped them in their daily living. i taught them the tools and the boundaries . They have no clue he has BPD, i just dealt with the symptoms not the diagnoses. 

  my youngest finally did ask me could he have BPD, i was shocked and couldn't lie so i told her. she was only 13 at the time. now they are all grown up in their 20,s and out of the house but one due to being challenged.  to me they all are doing fine and adjusting fine i would always walk away when things got rough taking the kids with me.

they learned this and do the same with their spouses  and people if they get on their nerves.so they turned out ok... . yey for me... .  

[allibaba]

Wanda - its so nice to hear from someone who raised their kids with a BPD spouse... .   congrats to you and so happy that they are adjusting well!  Yay for you.

[Viso]

WOW... . thx momtara for posting this. All the feedbacks from Wanda, yeeter, pepperminttea, anital and alibaba (and anyone else I missed) are great. Everyone here on this board is trying to find every reason to stay and work things out. My H is verbally abusive everytime we argue and he uses the silent treatment on me, which was devastating. I posted on this board too because everyone seems to be encouraging me to leave and even my counsellor feels it's too much that I won't be able to handle and can easily throw me into depression. I still feel pretty sad that he is the way he is... . being cold most of the time and the fact that I never get treated fairly. It's hard to have to take up all the blames for anything that fails in the house or around him. I am just learning continuously and still struggling to put boundaries in place. And getting insights and support here.

I too have good and bad times like everyone. Not that my H has ever gone up to the police, but I am sure he would word the situations very differently in front of others. I have to say maybe it is not intentional because the way a BPD process maybe entirely on their feelings and thinking. My H accuses me of everything and makes me admit to what he thinks "I" am thinking. If I try to explain to him what I actually thought, it will just make things worse. Because he cannot take "NO" or accept the fact that what he thought was wrong.

When he did the silent treatent on me, I kept asking myself if it is worth it. And for the two and a half weeks that he ignored me, I still see the charm in him when he was playing with the kids. I know I still love him very much. Then, thinking about the effects on splitting. I am sure it would become shared custody. This means I will not be able to give my children the best care. I cannot rule out that one day, my husband completely loses patience on the kids when they don’t obey. I don’t know what he will do to them. And I don’t trust my M in law either as I don’t agree with the way she raised her kids (Just ignoring with her doors shut when her kids got upset or unhappy, which is the contributing factor to why my H has BPD now) Splitting will just tear my kids apart, considering the fact that my H and M in law will say a million negative thing about me and my parents. I plan to educate them when they are ready about BPDs… not sure if this is a good way, but at least I hope they will see the truth and won’t hate their dad in the future.

I understand we will all feel tired of their behaviours and wished we had a better spouse. Anytime you feel lost and stuck, write here and you will feel someone understands you and supported

[momtara]

Very well said, Viso.  I am so glad that your H is good with the kids.  And yeah, 50/50 is a curse.  I can see why you might want to stay.

But 2.5 weeks of the silent treatment is hard.  I feel for you.  I had to try to find my own joys that were separate from him.  I wouldn't blame you if you do want to get away eventually, but you are noble to stay, and I hope you get to keep getting some good things out of it too.

Yeah, everyone always advises someone to leave a relationship - then they try to fix them up into a new one!  Only you can make the final decision.