Emotional Abuse of Oldest Daughter

[tomo]

My uBPD wife is emotionally abusive to our 14-year old daughter.  For the most part she is nice to our other 2 daughters (ages 9 and 11).   I do my best to validate my uBPDw's emotions generally but it infuriates me when she uses our 14-year old daughter as a verbal punching bag.  She says all sorts emotional vomit to our daughter.  For example, my wife took the kids to the movies the other day and then forbid my oldest daughter from having popcorn because she apparently misbehaved.  When my daughter stuck her hand in the bag anyway and ate some popcorn, my wife said, 'I hope you choke and die.'  Although I wasn't there, my wife admitted that she said this.  I understand the concept of compassion and validation but my compassion is 100% for my daughter who has been enduring this type of abuse for years.

Is there a way to talk to my wife about this very unacceptable behavior that would be most effective?   Usually talking to her about this stuff  causes her to stop talking to me and her behavior--at least initially--gets worse towards my daughter.

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[maryy16]

I have raised three children with my BPDH so I have a bit of experience on this subject.

I am not sure if my way of handling these situations was correct (because at the time I did not know anything about BPD) but when my H would start in on any of the kids, I would step in and tell him to stop and to leave them alone.  Now, of course, this only escalated his anger BUT he turned his anger on to me which I felt accomplished two things.  One, he stopped the verbal abuse on my child and, two, I felt that my children knew that I was there to stand up for them.  Also, I never wanted them to think that H's behavior was acceptable in any way. 

In periods of calm, I would try and talk to my H about the situation which never really got us anywhere because he never thought that his actions were wrong, but I feel it kind of "put a bug in his ear", so to speak.

What finally pushed my H into getting help was one day when he almost hit our oldest son.  My H has one rule that he has always stuck by no matter how angry he was to NEVER hit the kids.  The next day after the incident, he told me that he was setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist and has been on medication ever since.

When your wife admitted to saying what she did about the popcorn, what was your response?

I'm not sure if this helps any, but I certainly understand where you're at.

[tomo]

When my wife admitted that she said that to my daughter, she said it as if she was justified in saying it; like my daughter deserved it because she defiantly took the popcorn.  Sometimes I think my wife simply cannot differentiate between right and wrong when it comes to my daughter.  She is mean and cruel to her about half the time.  Last night I told my daughter about this website and told her that the two of us should spend time looking at some of the articles and the posts at  "Healing from a Relationship with a Parent... . with BPD."  I think she needs to see that other kids go through the same torture and that this is her mother's illness and it is not her fault.  I must admit though that if her mom ever found out that she's looking at this site, she'd go ballistic.  She has threatened to divorce me for looking at this website and going to workshops for families of those with BPD.  She doesn't want to be categorized and doesn't want to admit she has a problem.

[briefcase]

Sadly, this is not an uncommon problem.  Worse, there is no simple or easy tool that can change this.  You must stand up for your daughter.  This will take a blend of (1) courage to confront your wife; (2) communication skills like SET and DEARMAN; and (3) clear and strong boundaries on your part about what you find acceptable for your daughter (wishes of death, even melodramatic ones, sound like they are out of bounds for you). 

In other words, you apply the same set of skills for this issue that we use all the time in these relationships. 

I'll add that it helps to be an emotional leader in the relationship.  Set the tone, instead of just reacting to your wife's moods.  It takes time. 

Have you talked to your daughter about it?

[tomo]

I have talked to my daughter about this.  I've told her that her mother is mentally ill and that she cannot control her emotions.  But I'm not sure how much she truly comprehends beyond the hurt feelings of not receiving love and nurturing from her mother.  My daughter is 14 now but this has been going on since she was 5.  I  have 2 younger daughters and my wife is mostly nice to them--though they do see some of her strange behaviors.  She will cook meals for the other two (and even for me sometimes when I 'm home in time for dinner) but she makes my oldest daughter cook for herself most of the time.  My daughter told  me that one day last week, my wife didn't even tell her it was dinnertime.  When she came upstairs, the dinner table was being cleaned off as my wife and 2 younger daughters just finished eating.  My daughter had tears in her eyes as she told me about it.  To me this is nothing short of emotional abuse.

[atcrossroads]

Hi Tomo,

I am a high school teacher and deal with so many students who suffer this type of emotional abuse from a parent -- it's horrid what some of them will reveal in writing or conversation once they feel close enough/secure enough with me as a teacher who is nonjudgemental to do so.  Many of these teens are or become suicidal as they feel worthless. Many abuse substances,many become cutters, etc.  It's tragic. 

My n/BPD husband and I don't have children and are almost divorced. So, I'm not speaking as a parent here but more as a teacher of teens and as a sufferer of the cruelties of BPD. 

I haven't followed your story but wonder if you have a plan to get the children out of this situation?  Divorce with more custody for you?  I don't know how you will get your wife to change how she treats your daughter, as she feels (and BELIEVES) that she is justified. 

It's a great idea to get your daughter on this forum so she can talk with others, but it may be better yet (harder but ultimately healthier) to get the kids away from your wife.  I realize that is easier said than done and you may have good reasons to stay.  If so, keep bolstering your daughter up and encourage her to spend as little time as possible at home (which is a natural progression with teens anyway).  She is fortunate to have one stable parent.

Best of luck in a very rough situation

[Blazing Star]

Hi Tomo,

Feeling for you and your daughter. I am raising two (D4 and D1) with my BPDbf so I know how hard it can be. I agree that you must do all that you can to protect your daughter. It will be a great (esteem building and protective) thing for your daughter to witness you standing up for her.

It's great that you have told her about the articles on this site!

Have you thought about getting her a T? i have started taking my D4 to playtherapy to help her process any conflicting feelings she has around her dad. 14 is such a difficult age for a teenage girl, I can't imagine how having your mother say such things to her would feel.

I am sorry I have no advice how best to approach your wife about this, perhaps a T might help here too. For me it is a dealbreaker, any abuse, emotional or physical, especially towards the children, when I realised this it gave me strength and I told him it wasn't acceptable and we wouldn't be hanging round if there was more of that. I know how my daughters are treated and spoken to will effect them deeply, and set them up for how they expect to be treated in future relationships.

Your wife needs to know how unacceptable this is, how hurtful and wrong it is to talk to anyone (especially your child) in this way. That depriving someone of their dinner is child neglect and abuse. I don't know if SET or DEARMAN is strong enough, or if she will hear it. I do think actions speak louder than words.

What are your thoughts? What actions could you take that your wife and daughters would notice?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Love Blazing Star