PTSD

[downandin]

I think I really have it now.  Every time my I think my wife is angry at me I am literally scared to death.  I am really that afraid of her rages.  Do other feel this way?

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[charred]

Sure, but it didn't start that way, it started with her being nice and then getting a little less so and more demanding all the time, till my now exBPDgf peaked out at a 7 hr argument/rampage that amounted to her being in my face yelling at me to the point I wanted to crawl under a rock. Decided I didn't want to be with anyone that could argue for 7 hrs (in circles)... but had a time breaking free, as I was beat down so much. Had stress rashes and finally asked my doctor about it, she told me to see a T, I did and he pointed me to mindfulness (which did wonders) and did some EMDR treatments for PTSD. I finally broke free from my pwBPD.

Since then I have come to understand BPD differently than many... I think the idealizing/mirroring/love bombing that goes on initially... when done with someone like me that was a bit needy of unconditional love (lacking it from my cold as ice mom)... what happened was the pwBPD seemed like my soul mate, all the same interests, and what seemed like unconditional love led me to put her on a pedestal and have her assume a primary r/s significance in my life (like transference... . she seemed deep down to me to be the loving mother I never had). Then after a bit she quit being nice, turned clingy, then mean as a junkyard dog... . but rather than deal with the screaming witch in the room with me... I played the role of defenseless child being berated by cruel mother... and took it and took it, always rationalizing things at my expense. When the r/s ended initially the pain was overbearing... like losing a parent. In my opinion this is what happens often... . and why the hurt is so deep. The pwBPD is bringing up old wounds and is able to berate us... as we play an old role and they do as well... but we are not in the present and being the adult we are capable of.

The recovering from the BPD r/s seems so far to me to be realizing what was happening and working through my own issues and baggage from childhood... . as well as seeing the BPD person as disordered and not worthy of being on a good mom I never had pedestal.