Decided to Stay

[seh77]

 

So I have decided to stay with the love of my life.  I just can't imagine my life without her.  She is my partner and my best friend.  I am learning how to spot the cycle she gets in.  I am learning to not react to it.  Just sometimes it's really hard.  I tell her I feel like I am getting mixed signals.  For instance to put it nicely we were making out and something interrupted us.  We fixed that and went back to bed... Yes I had the light on... . but I was also back to trying to kiss her and she didn't respond like earlier.  The response I received was the I'm not happy with you kiss.  So I just cuddled up next to her.  So she proceded to start reading then started asking why we didn't finish... . I told her I was kissing her and she wasn't really kissing back so I didn't want to push because I thought she was no longer in the mood.  So now today is the Your not physically attracted to me speach.  I tell her everyday how beautiful she is and how much it takes for me to keep my hands off of her.  I just don't want to say or do anything wrong that will make her feel anymore bad about herself.  She says she wants to loose weight I offer to walk with her/work out.  But that never happens.  Please help me... . I want to let her know how beautiful she is and how much I support anything she wants to do.  I hate seeing her like this.  It seems every way I tell her that she is wanted/loved she bounces back well maybe when I lose a little weight.  (She will be like this for a couple of days then it will stop like nothing ever happened)


How do you handle this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Vindi]

I might not be of much help, but you are validating your feelings for her, understanding her, she may just have some self esteem issues, I hear quite often, "oh you are not attracted to me anymore"... . I think you are doing everything possible to help her feel good about herself. Maybe push it a little, and get your workout gear on and say

"ok, lets go for a walk", that may be a good start, to get her moving and you can talk during the walk, and then she can start working out

regularly and you could join her too.

[seh77]

Vindi,

Thanks I think that's what I am going to try and do.  She has made that statement "Oh you are not attracted to me anymore"  I have made the mistake by asking her and then waiting for her to actually do it.  I am going home and putting my workout gear on and tell her that we are going. 

Thanks for the advice! 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi seh77



I see you don't have a lot of post so I'm assuming that you're fairly new to this site. Correct me if I'm wrong!

With that in mind, I just wanted to direct you to the Lessons on the right side of the page ------------->

Knowing them is vital to be in a better relationship with our loved ones with BPD. And then putting examples from our relationships here on the board to see how we can better apply the lessons to them. Which is what you're doing  

Sometimes you just have to let them vent their thoughts (as long as it's not abusive) and see it more as thinking out loud. With appropriate ah-ing and hmm-ing from you. Would that work in your situation?

Another approach, like Vindi says, is validation. What are some validations you could do in this situation?

[dotSlash]

My BPD gf is the same way

- asks me on a weekly basis if I think she's gotten heavier

- asks me to make sure she doesn't eat chips, soda, chocolate, alcohol... she still does them all when I'm not around

- issues with intimacy and her self-worth

No matter how much I tell her she is special, beautiful, and the best girlfriend, she eventually finds some insecurity to rage or some reason to feel jealous of other females in my life - coworkers, friends, etc. On the flip side, at random times even a simple compliment will cause her to become wildly in love with me. This is much less frequent, and nowadays, very rare.

A few times in the year she will get upset during intercourse if something didn't go perfectly (usually her fault, but come on we're all human... I'm not perfect either), and will stop and sit up for a few minutes. Then I take off the condom and for some reason she gets furious at me, saying "wow you're giving up? how disappointing"

Many times in public she will pull me in for a kiss, hold my arm, etc. More times than I do, for sure. When I do it, she says she loves it. Then at random times she will push me back, saying she hates PDA and how embarrassed I make her

There are times when she will tell me I'm the sexiest, most amazing guy she's ever met, and then if something triggers her, even minutes later, she will say she doesn't think she's in love with me and we need to break up. It's god awful and confusing. I will never understand how she thinks, but I know the root of it all

[rj47]

Be careful... . too much, too little its all the same, and you may find you're almost always wrong in how you approach your SO when it comes to intimacy.

The attraction and sexual connection between my wife and I 30 years ago was intense and has increased with age. Nevertheless, when she's dysregulated it becomes an effective tool of criticism, ridicule and accusation... . too much interest? "you're a pig and only interested in me for sex"  ... . too little interest? "you're no longer attracted to me and getting it elsewhere".  I no longer initiate and it drives me too distraction at times... . but its a line I set for myself. I will not give her another placeholder or excuse to attack on that point.

My wife likes public affection between us. In fact, if I do not hold onto her constantly in public she can get very angry (especially around women). She also likes the attention of men but panics when they show inappropriate interest. As for other women, I never ever show even benign interest in them when she's around. Its just not worth the trouble as she accuses me of constant infidelity. Her fear of abandonment and the related insecurity will always be an issue (even as she's driving me away), but I accept it for what it is.

Its frustrating to hear that we don't affirm them enough. I consider my wife to be the most stunning woman on the planet and spent a small fortune for her to maintain it. I also buy almost all of her clothing. She appreciates it (even if other women don't) and has no complaints. I don't know what else I can do in that area.

If you stay, which you appear ready for... . I hope you are strong, grounded and self-confident enough to outlast, manage and survive the condition. I knew my spouse had issues 25 years ago, but also knew I could manage her. I did for many years. But, as we grew older the PD intensity increased and wore me down. The more I engaged in positive coping behaviors, the more she upped the stakes bringing chaos into our home. I tried to tame the beast, failed miserably and have employed different levers to manage the cycles. Its about unconditional love, validation, faith and personal strength to the face storm when I see it coming.

I love my wife intensely, but have prepared emotionally should it ever end. Its not a healthy way that "normal" people interact in intimate relationships. Its the best I have right now... . but on balance worth it (in this present moment). The flip side of the PD is their capacity to love us intensely. My wife is as edgy and unpredictable as they come, but in love with life when she feels well. I have never seen that in another woman... . and I will be hard pressed to give it up (even to my benefit).

G*d bless and good luck to you.

rj