Dreams and US splitting them WHITE, thinking what could of been

[Iamdizzy]

So I had yet another dream about her last night.

fourth day in a row

This dream was different. Sometimes when I do miss her, I tend to think about what if[/i] How would she have been had she not had BPD, or been raped, or have had all these traumatic experiences. The what if[/i]  really killed me.

So because of this, I sometimes tend to entertain ideas about her being perfect, about how the relationship could of been, and how happy we both would of been. This thinking is obviously deterimental and mitigates any abusive behavior on her part.

Yesterday I had a dream with her that I told her "Listen, you're not real. The person I think about is not the real you. You're just a beautiful girl with an awesome personality that my brain has conjured up"

My BPDex in my dream goes "I know, We were not good for each other and the real me is 180 degrees different than me" 'I don't exist but I'll miss you thanks for dreaming about me" We hugged and said farewell.

I swear this is some crap you see at the movies but it really happened . I 'broke' up with my BPDex's "WHITE" version in my dreams. I'm letting go of any false expectations and fantasies I may have had!

She doesn't exist in reality. Hopefully this is my brain telling me dude you're barking up the wrong tree by fantasing what could of been. When it reality that 'what could of been' never 'could have been', try saying that 5x fast.

[ucmeicu2]

Yesterday I had a dream with her that I told her "Listen, you're not real. The person I think about is not the real you. You're just a beautiful girl with an awesome personality that my brain has conjured up" <cut> My BPDex in my dream goes "I know, We were not good for each other and the real me is 180 degrees different than me" 'I don't exist but I'll miss you thanks for dreaming about me" We hugged and said farewell.

i LOVE it!  that's awesome.  it sounds like you hit a major milestone, you are really healing.  so so happy for you dizzy!   

icu2

[Iamdizzy]

Thank you! I woke up rather mixed with happiness and sadness, things still trouble me but I'm glad at least I'm letting go of an imagination that I so strongly held on to.

[Octoberfest]

That is pretty powerful Iamdizzy... . I know I would be pretty floored by a dream like that.  The what-if game is one of the most destructive games you can play with yourself... . and on top of that, it really isn't even a fair game to play.  You aren't giving yourself a fair shake, because you imagine what it would be like if things were perfect and grand when in reality they can NEVER be that way... . I have hurt a lot by realizing that there is no happy ending with my BPDex... . which is strange still, because I knew early on that I didn't want to end up with her... .   I do think that I painted my BPDex white. I absolutely did.  I found ways to rationalize all of the nasty things she did to me... . to make it ok, so that I could justify staying.  I rationalized away some MAJORLY messed up stuff.  I painted her white because in reality she is a pretty dark shade of black... . and I had a need I wanted to fill, so in my mind I made her into someone that she was not.  Someone who was respectful, kind, considerate, loyal, and honest. 

I heard an expression recently that made me smile-

"You can't make ice cream out of ___!".

I am not calling my BPDex a piece of ___, I am just drawing the comparison that a normal, healthy, loving relationship is not a possibility when you are dealing with someone who has BPD.

[Iamdizzy]

Octoberfest, I wasn't too floored by it, I was relieved. I excused so much of her behavior due to her rape stories that I never saw her abusing me, I saw her rapist and every other douche she dated abusing me. Even when I was with her, I fantasized about this "white" version of her. How things would of been. But reality is reality I can't mitigate her behavior by doing this, it's not fair to me, it's not fair to any who does this to themselves. Not saying she's evil but she's wrong for her behavior.

Lol at the quote, I agree! Similar to the saying you can dress a pig up as much as possible but a pig will always be a pig, something along those lines.