I think my sister in law has BPD

[Wendy Testaburger]

I'm a married mother of a toddler, and expecting #2 at the end of October.

I've known my sister in law for 15 years. It's always been really difficult to get along with her, and she has a very forceful, dominant personality. Things have come to a head recently, and while talking with my therapist about the latest fiasco, she suggested that I read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells, and wow! So much of it resonated with my and my family, and with all that we have struggled with for the last 15 years with her.

She is very controlling and manipulative. She is very emotionally demanding, and when I last had a confrontation with her, I was accused of being a horrible friend, (right after being told that I was her best friend) for having the relationship being one-sided, because I was not confiding in her my issues. That I shut her out by not talking about things with her. (I realize my mistake was even bringing up things obliquely at all, instead of just ignoring things with her) She is very critical of anyone who doesn't live up to her expectations, and feels that she truly does know what is best for everyone else in her sphere. Even though she has not been able to have children, she considers herself to be better at parenting than anyone that she knows, that she could do better. She also considers herself to be a superior pet owner, even though her dog is the worst dog I have ever encountered in my life, he doesn't listen, and marks everywhere he goes, and she and my brother are slaves to his separation anxiety and his expressions of that (howling, defecating and urinating in the house, etc.)

I have had several cycles of being able to be friendly with her, and then finally having enough of her crap that an argument ensues, and then we're enemies for a year. Then she always seems to be the one to want to reconcile, and then we're friends again. But she always feels that she has to either be telling me what I am doing wrong with my life, and what I need to do to make myself better, and that she knows what it is that I need to do. And she always in an underhanded way is questioning things that I do. For example: When my husband and I had a cabinet brought outside because of having the carpets replaced, he didn't want it brought back inside because he felt that all of the glass components in it were dangerous to our children. So, it's been baking the sun for the last 2 months, because I haven't been able to do anything with it, along with marital issues ensuing from that. A week and a half ago, she had come over for a visit and after noticing it outside the window, casually asked "So, what happened to the cabinet that used to be in your living room?" "Oh, it's outside, because hubby doesn't think it's safe" "So, what happened to all of the stuff that was inside it?" "they're all packed in boxes, and I'm not happy about it" "So, what, you're going to just let it stay out there and get ruined?" At this point, I am not happy about her harping on a subject that really was none of her business, and was already a sore subject. So, I snapped at her. She acts like she's acting in your benefit, when really, she's thinking that you're not doing a good enough job with the situations in your life. When I had vented about the impatience I had with my son not being interested in potty training yet, she took it upon herself to ask him several times if he wanted to use the potty.

She is able to also manipulate people's behaviors towards someone that she feels is doing a horrible job in an area in their lives. She criticized my parenting during the argument that ensued during this visit that I previously mentioned, and said that I'm not doing a good enough job of discipling my son, as he wasn't listening to me when I had told him to stop touching something. During the incident, she told him to stop, and said "I'm not as nice as Mommy". On Sunday, we had to hang out with her husband, (my brother) and her best friend who lives with them. Throughout the day, they spent so much time yelling at my son, trying to "get him to behave" when he was tossing a tennis ball for their dog, chasing after him, and playing with him. I was starting to get bothered by this, but I have a very difficult time with confrontation, and with asserting myself and protecting myself. It actually took my parents talking to me about it after the fact to fully realize how bothered I really was, and to realize the full implication of what had happened. She had spent the past week criticizing my parenting to these two people, and they felt it was their duty to take it upon themselves to "out-parent" me. And, these two incidents are just the tip of the iceberg. I could write a book about my experiences with her.

She refuses to get help, even though the last year for her has been very rough. Any time her talking to a therapist comes up, or even just writing in a journal comes up, she becomes very defensive, and turns it around. I was told at the last big argument that we had, that I was the one with all of the insane amount of emotional baggage. That I was the one who was overly sensitive. And that it was worthless of me to go to therapy, as it obviously hasn't been helping me. And that there was nothing wrong with her, as she has come to acceptance to the traumatic things in her life and childhood that stems from her mother. When she obviously has NOT come to terms, as she is still binge eating, and still being a manipulative control freak.

I feel the need to talk with people about what I and my family have gone through. I know now what I have to do, I have to set up boundaries, and assert myself in regards to them. I have to learn how to cope with the fact that the woman my brother chose to marry has a lot of issues that she refuses to deal with, and that all of the work that will have to be done in regards to being able to function around her, has to come from myself. And it feels so unfair that I have to walk on eggshells around her in order to not upset her delicate feelings, and not acknowledge the issues in my own life that I am struggling with.

[Scout99]

Hi Wendy Testaburger!



I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time at the moment! But I am glad you have found your way here! Having a relative or an in-law that gets in your face about a lot of things and oversteps your boundaries is often a cause behind a lot of irritation and stress. I think you will find many people here who have been in or are in similar situations in their families. And sharing experiences and learning from each other is often very helpful! You are not alone in this, and there is a lot that can be changed too! You will find that there are many members here who have been able to turn a lot of things around in their lives to the better. So there is hope!

Learning more about boundaries is a good place to start! And keep reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells! It is a good one!

It seems to me you are spending a lot of time together with your brothers wife. Do you live very close, or are there other reasons for that?

Maybe I missed it but I don'r recall reading if your brothers wife has been diagnosed with borderline or not? Do you know she is borderline or is that something you are wondering about?

You mention being in therapy yourself, which I think is a very good thing! Especially in times like these! It helps us be able to view situations from more than one perspective and saves a lot of risks for conflict. However if the reason you are in therapy is something completely different from this situation, being in therapy also makes us a bit more vulnerable, and sensitive, (not to mention being pregnant). So it becomes even more important then for you to create some boundaries to help you cope better when she is baiting you to engage in discussion or conflict... .

In the situation you are in now - what are the things that are most problematic for you at this time, and what would need to change in order for you to be more comfortable in this situation?

And how could we best be of support for you at this time?

Again! Glad to have you with us! And we want to make you feel at home with us here! Also congratulations on the new baby coming!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Wendy Testaburger]

Hi Wendy Testaburger!



I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time at the moment! But I am glad you have found your way here! Having a relative or an in-law that gets in your face about a lot of things and oversteps your boundaries is often a cause behind a lot of irritation and stress. I think you will find many people here who have been in or are in similar situations in their families. And sharing experiences and learning from each other is often very helpful! You are not alone in this, and there is a lot that can be changed too! You will find that there are many members here who have been able to turn a lot of things around in their lives to the better. So there is hope!

Learning more about boundaries is a good place to start! And keep reading the book Stop Walking on Eggshells! It is a good one!

Thank you very kindly for the warm welcome. And I am very glad to know that I am not alone in this, because that lessens the feelings of alienation that are all too easy to fall prey to.

It seems to me you are spending a lot of time together with your brothers wife. Do you live very close, or are there other reasons for that?

She lives about 30 minutes away from, and I actually have been trying to limit contact. But, with her mother dying four months ago, and my second pregnancy, she has latched onto me emotionally. I have been trying to not give in to it, and to create some distance, but it can be a very difficult thing, especially with someone like her, who doesn't realize how needy she is.

Maybe I missed it but I don't recall reading if your brothers wife has been diagnosed with borderline or not? Do you know she is borderline or is that something you are wondering about?

She's not diagnosed. She refuses to contemplate even talking to a therapist for grief counseling, and if anyone in the family brings up her going to talk with someone, she gets very defensive, and confrontational. But, I started reading Stop Walking on Eggshells, and at least 75% of it resonates with me. So, I feel that that is what is going on with her.

You mention being in therapy yourself, which I think is a very good thing! Especially in times like these! It helps us be able to view situations from more than one perspective and saves a lot of risks for conflict. However if the reason you are in therapy is something completely different from this situation, being in therapy also makes us a bit more vulnerable, and sensitive, (not to mention being pregnant). So it becomes even more important then for you to create some boundaries to help you cope better when she is baiting you to engage in discussion or conflict... .

I'm in therapy to try and help myself heal from childhood abuse perpetrated by my father. Who is someone that she has a "good relationship" with. Which also complicates matters dramatically for myself and my brother and her. I've struggled for years with the fact that it feels like that they have taken his side over mine.

In the situation you are in now - what are the things that are most problematic for you at this time, and what would need to change in order for you to be more comfortable in this situation?

Most problematic?

1) Her lack of respect towards myself and my own problems

2) Her lack of being truthful with her own faults

3) Her lack of boundaries with myself, and feeling that she is an authority figure in my life

4) Her emotional neediness, and the demand for others to fix her, but not accepting the help that we offer her, if it is not precisely what she wants to hear

5) My inability to stand up for myself and my own needs and to protect myself from her emotional attacks (which I finally just realized is because I feel unsafe in her presence)

I need to learn how to set boundaries, and have the strength to abide by them.

And how could we best be of support for you at this time?

I hope for emotional support. And sympathetic ears that are able to understand what I'm going through.

Again! Glad to have you with us! And we want to make you feel at home with us here! Also congratulations on the new baby coming!

Best Wishes

Scout99

Thank you so very much for the welcome. I really do appreciate it.

[Scout99]

Hi again! And thank you very much for answering our questions! I am sure others members will fill in here soon. And I will too! However since this is an international board and I am in Europe, it's getting late here now. But You have given us a good account of your situation and I can see many things already that you could find here that could be helpful to you in this situation. I will let them brew a bit during the night and get back to you tomorrow!

One of the things that stood out to me when reading your response is I get the feeling you are very important to your sister in law and that she probably has been very attached and/or enmeshed with her mother and is now left feeling very alone, which is a devastating situation for a pw BPD. And since she probably lacks good people skills, she doesn't really know how to show you her appreciation in other ways that meddling in your business... .

Now that can be infuriating when you suddenly become like a target for that. But there are things in that, which you can make work in your favor... . Anyway it is better that she likes you, than if it was the other way around... . (Like if she was jealous of you or saw you as a threat of some sort... . ) But I will do some more thinking to see what things are available here that might be helpful to you!

Until then I will give you a link to an article on boundaries that you might find interesting, since you write that you want to learn more about how to set up boundaries to better be able to protect yourself when you feel your integrity is being compromised with your sister in law.

You will find that here:

Boundaries Tools of Respect

Best Wishes

Scout99

[Unique1]

Your sister-in-law reminds me of my sister.

She is very controlling and manipulative. She is very emotionally demanding, and when I last had a confrontation with her, I was accused of being a horrible friend, (right after being told that I was her best friend) for having the relationship being one-sided, because I was not confiding in her my issues. That I shut her out by not talking about things with her. (I realize my mistake was even bringing up things obliquely at all, instead of just ignoring things with her) She is very critical of anyone who doesn't live up to her expectations, and feels that she truly does know what is best for everyone else in her sphere. Even though she has not been able to have children, she considers herself to be better at parenting than anyone that she knows, that she could do better. She also considers herself to be a superior pet owner, even though her dog is the worst dog I have ever encountered in my life, he doesn't listen, and marks everywhere he goes, and she and my brother are slaves to his separation anxiety and his expressions of that (howling, defecating and urinating in the house, etc.)

I can understand exactly how you feel and how difficult it is to deal with this person. My sister has done this to every member of family in one way or another for the past decade and a half. I also see a therapist to deal with childhood abuse and to deal with my sister (she is the one who suggested my sister sounded BPD) and it has helped me immensely. The criticism, judgements, feelings of failure and wild moods swings can make you feel crazy at times. She has also helped to establish boundaries when it comes to my sister.

I also have children (thankfully my sister does not) but as a mother it is imperative that you protect your children from this situation. It is unfortunate, but necessary. My sister wishes she had closer relationship with my kids, but does not understand how difficult she is to handle. She also views not sharing every detail of your life with her as not being "honest" with her, despite the fact that the minute you do share something with her, she will turn it around and judge you for it or use it against you. Kids need to be protected from that kind of twisted behavior and I believe it is my job as their mother to do that.

Please continue to look here for support and encouragement. It helps just knowing that others share your struggles.