Email 2 months later saying he 'wants to apologise' ?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My story's all over the board... . dumped suddenly and brutally while pregnant after 3 years funding and recycling an incredibly difficult uBPD/narc man, a 36 year old teenager in every way... .

This is what I suddenly got by text. I had blocked him on all my emails but when I checked the trash he had also sent me a 'hi' on Monday (and nothing else). Then today this.

'Hello again delusional,

I don't really know how to start this. I would like to apologise and give you the explanation you asked. It is not that I did not want to do it before, I really did not know what to do anymore. But I understand that it may be too early or too late for apologies and explanations, you might say, and I really don't want to intrude, so I'll standby for a contact back from you. I understand far too well how hard collecting the pieces can be. If that is the case, then sorry for having contacted you.

I hope you are doing alright.

upbdex'

I'm not overly impressed with this even though it offers apology... . my strong feeliing is that I am going to be given a lot of details I don't really want eg exactly who he was sleeping with or planning to replace me with in June when I was pregnant and going through an abortion by  myself. 'I understand far too well how hard collecting the pieces can be' suggests he's all fine and moved on (or at least is going to claim to be). And I'm really not sure I want to know.

It doesn't sound to me like any sort of an attempt to recycle- more an attempt to brag about how he has moved on, and possibly a real admission of guilt for the truly awful way he behaved. But he's very bad at that (or course)

The shock getting this nearly made me faint.  I really should have But I should have known eh after reading this board for so long. They ALWAYS bounce back!

I've replied already briefly saying sorry for the very angry things I said (the level of poison I spat was not helpful at all in any circumstances) and that it is too early but maybe one day we can be friends (?) and he doesn't need to explain anything to me. I am now totally shaken up and drinking. I don't know if I want him to reply or not.

[delusionalxox]

My story's all over the board... . dumped suddenly and brutally while pregnant after 3 years funding and recycling an incredibly difficult uBPD/narc man, a 36 year old teenager in every way... .

This is what I suddenly got by text. I had blocked him on all my emails but when I checked the trash he had also sent me a 'hi' on Monday (and nothing else). Then today this.

'Hello again delusional,

I don't really know how to start this. I would like to apologise and give you the explanation you asked. It is not that I did not want to do it before, I really did not know what to do anymore. But I understand that it may be too early or too late for apologies and explanations, you might say, and I really don't want to intrude, so I'll standby for a contact back from you. I understand far too well how hard collecting the pieces can be. If that is the case, then sorry for having contacted you.

I hope you are doing alright.

upbdex'

I'm not overly impressed with this even though it offers apology... . my strong feeliing is that I am going to be given a lot of details I don't really want eg exactly who he was sleeping with or planning to replace me with in June when I was pregnant and going through an abortion by  myself. 'I understand far too well how hard collecting the pieces can be' suggests he's all fine and moved on (or at least is going to claim to be). And I'm really not sure I want to know.

It doesn't sound to me like any sort of an attempt to recycle- more an attempt to brag about how he has moved on, and possibly a real admission of guilt for the truly awful way he behaved. But he's very bad at that (or course)

The shock getting this nearly made me faint.  I really should have But I should have known eh after reading this board for so long. They ALWAYS bounce back!

I've replied already briefly saying sorry for the very angry things I said (the level of poison I spat was not helpful at all in any circumstances) and that it is too early but maybe one day we can be friends (?) and he doesn't need to explain anything to me. I am now totally shaken up and drinking. I don't know if I want him to reply or not.

[papawapa]

If he wanted to apologize why didn't he just do it in the email he sent?

He is on a fishing expedition, seeing if he still has you hooked. My advice is to ignore him.

[delusionalxox]

I agree papa. But the email is not actually welcoming or emotional is it.

He's either contacting to brag about  how happy he is with my replacement, or to find out if I'm still free, isn't he... .

and maybe to try to rescue his own moral reputation for himself... . to say 'look I didn't totally abandon you pregnant' etc (although he did)!

god, thank god for this board. If I didn't know what I know now from reading the EXACT SAME story from so many of you on here (and always 2/3/4 months down the line eh... . ) I might be in a far worse state right now.

Still feel SCARED. As if I saw a ghost. It's so weird what they can do to us.

[danley]

If he wanted to apologize, he could have just done it in the email. I do see that Sometimes it's more personable to apologize in person. I can't tell if he's ACTUALLY apologizing in this letter or if he's implying that he still has an explanation to give. Or was this his explanation in the letter? Either way, it doesn't come across as totally apologetic but he seems like when he wrote this he was in a moment of clarity. He wants you to forgive him probably. But before that can happen, I'd think a genuine selfless apology would be appropriate from him.

I know you said you apologized for some things. I probably would have waited for him to say what he had to say in order to see where his mind and heart is at the moment. I'm just weary that he may take your apology as an immediate green light that he's did enough and won't NEED to follow thru with his end of things to address YOUR feelings and hurt he caused YOU. I do hope this isn't the case tho.

It doesn't sound like he wants to brag about the replacement but then again, YOU know him better than any of us. I CAN see your perspective on rescuing his own moral reputation tho. Letus know how it goes. Hang in there... .

[Learning_curve74]

So much for him never contacting you again. He is on a fishing expedition. The easiest way to avoid falling hook, line, and sinker is to go NC. You already replied but you can always start counting today as "day zero" if that is what you want and/or think is best for you.

If your ex truly wanted to apologize and offer an explanation then why didn't he just do so in his email instead of saying he wants to but not saying anything else worthwhile? Isn't he just being manipulative and fishing?

At this point is there anything he can write that won't just hurt you more? Take care of yourself del.  

[ucmeicu2]

IMO, and really what do i know, but this has fishing expedition written all over it.

the email he sent (nothing more than "hi" was the first cast. 

he got no nibbles so he started trolling by sending a text.  a text with lots of words but what does it really SAY?  <shrug> 

i got lots of fishing expedition texts/emails/voicemails from my xBPDgf whenever we were on the outs and this text from your guy has an eery familiarity to it.  it sounds (like hers were) purposely crafted to be vague, ambiguous, and to have several possible double meanings.  keeps you guessing, keeps you doubting yourself, keeps you wondering, keeps you hopeful, creates mystery and intrigue, blah blah blah.  that's probably a conscious strategy BPDs use to reel us back in.

what are your thoughts?  what are your goals?  long term plans with this guy?  it's impossible to make sense out of nonsense but if you absolutely can't go NC, please consider NOT meeting privately.

icu2

[delusionalxox]

I agree learning curve and I don't think he truly wants to apologise.

I'd never go back to him, so whatever fishing expedition he is on will fail.

I am not sorry I apologised for my part in it all. I still hold him responsible for what he did and I don't need any more, to tell him that. But I wanted to be sure that I have behaved as well as I can and tried to clear the negativity.

Danley, I don't think he really cares about what I need and want for closure or anything else, he never did, I don't think he can start now.

Why do they 'fish'? It doesn't sound warm enough for a recycle attempt. Is it just 'boundary busting' and anyway what does that mean? Does he just want to be sure I didn't forget him?

[delusionalxox]

Yeah ukmeicu I agree.

He always liked to cloak his words in the veil of mystery and I too am very surprised at the 'hi' email 2 days before... . he was trying to get me to start something up wasn't he... . show vulnerability to him?

There is no chance of meeting privately, we were in a LDR and he lives a long long way away and as far as I know won't be back in UK now or ever. He is totally broke and can't afford to just turn up here.

I think he wants to a. justify himself again b. brag (possibly) c. recycle me in some form or other.

I think he'll be disappointed by my reply (which I agree maybe I shouldn't have sent) as it was quite friendly but formal and made it very clear I am moving on and OK.

Is it wrong though that I am kind of happy he didn't forget me/ is trying to recycle me? :/ I kind of am. Not that I want the recycle at all but I hated the idea that he would just try to blast me out of existence having painted me black as black... .

[talithacumi]

The implied intent to offer you an apology and/or explanation (which, as others have accurately pointed out, he doesn't actually do in this email) ARE the bait, sweetie ... . and a particularly tempting one at that.

Who WOULDN'T want an explanation for what "made" him do this to someone he said he loved/cared about so much?

Who WOULDN'T want an apology for being suddenly dumped/left to go through an abortion alone?

You're certainly entitled to both, delusionalhoax.

The problem is, he's the only one who can really give you either one ... . and he knows it.

So the question you have to really ask yourself is whether or not you actually NEED either one of those things ENOUGH to put yourself in a position of having to trust/rely on HIM to give them to you ... . and, of course, WHY you might need them that much in the first place ... . WHAT they will allow you to do that you cannot do unless/until you get them.

Feel like all the pain, suffering, and self-doubt you've experienced over the last three months was really worth it? Feel like maybe he's not such a massive heel afterall? Feel like you weren't simply used and discarded like yesterday's trash like he's gone out of his way to make you feel you were? Get to like, admire, respect, and trust him the way you once did, miss doing, and would really like to be able to do again? Get to be liked, admired, respected, and trusted by him again in return?

Explanations and apologies do not change ANYTHING except your perception of the person who's making them.

Sounds to me like you're already pretty clear about what kind of person would do something like this to you in the first place.

Ugly, painful, awful as that is - let it be that - and don't let yourself be tempted by this pathetic/self-serving offer he's making to pretty it all up/make it nicer for you to look at and think about again like he CLEARLY knows you really need/want on some level.

You deserve FAR more than an explanation or apology for being treated this way. You deserve NOT to have someone in your life who would ever treat you this way in the first place.

You can't make the former happen, but you can DEFINITELY make the latter happen.

You've been doing that. You are doing that. Keep doing it.

- TC

[delusionalxox]

Yeah talitha I sure noticed he doesn't actually apologise or explain... . and the previous 'hi' means he hadn't thought of that particular bait on Monday... .

I'd kind of like to believe in a way that he wants me back (although I'd NEVER GO!)... out of selfish ego and the slight desire for revenge I still have   ... .but this seems more complicated. It's a hook in before he decides what to do with me again... .

He left me pregnant and going through hell- and all he can say is 'I didn't know what to do'? It's really pathetic. After the initial shock of getting the text, I can see what a totally sad little boy he still is.

It's not as clear as wanting me back, he wants me to let him off the hook and hook me back in  at the same time.

it is really just incredible. If I hadn't read these boards I'd find it even more so.

[Learning_curve74]

I am not sorry I apologised for my part in it all. I still hold him responsible for what he did and I don't need any more, to tell him that. But I wanted to be sure that I have behaved as well as I can and tried to clear the negativity.

Why do they 'fish'? It doesn't sound warm enough for a recycle attempt. Is it just 'boundary busting' and anyway what does that mean? Does he just want to be sure I didn't forget him?

del, if I understand correctly, when you apologized, you were doing it for your own peace of mind, right? If so, good on you. You did it for yourself and not him which is a good thing.

Every pwBPD is probably different but similar just like all people are similar but different. My BPDex just could not be alone and always needed people to be around, to call, to text, to email, so maybe your ex is the same just wanting to keep you around as another person that is available to use to soothe his feelings whatever they may be. My ex made a point to try and stay friends with all her exes. She tried very hard for a time to make it work with just me and her, shutting out all the others, but in the end we got too close and she returned to her learned survival skills, which unfortunately are dysfunctional for having loving healthy personal relationships.  :'(  But now that is HER problem and NOT mine.  

Hang in there del, love yourself and treat yourself right because you deserve it.

[fromheeltoheal]

My experience is you will never get real closure from a BPD, so you get to find a way to give yourself closure; any attempt at contact by one is an attempt for them to soothe, it's always all about them.  You can parse and reparse the words and assign lots of meanings to them too, but it's not about the words either, it's about the actions, which are never congruent with a BPD.

But obviously the big issue is that email stirred lots of emotion in you, you're not detached yet, and continuing the 'conversation' will just prolong the pain.  Your only ticket out of crazytown is to go complete NC, meaning find a way for those emails to not even go to your trash folder, where they will sit teasing you.  And of course complete NC and detachment brings a host of strong emotions, both negative and positive, since a BPD is extremely good at worming their way into our psyche, and of course we let them.  It's said it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over it, and you go back to square one every time you read an email, so time to cut him off and buckle in for the long haul of healing, and of course these boards are here.  Power to you!

[ucmeicu2]

Yeah talitha I sure noticed he doesn't actually apologise or explain... . and the previous 'hi' means he hadn't thought of that particular bait on Monday... .

my take on it is a little different.  my take is that, well with all people there is a certain amount of game playing but with BPD's they raise it to Championship Poker Tournament!     so, in those terms, the "hi" email was "leading with your lowest card".  when the 2 of spades got no response he amped it up pretty good and threw down like a 10.  if that had gotten no response he might have turned to anger or threw down a face card... . a jack or queen... .   the Ace is reserved for desperate times/desperate measures.  the ace card is all out apologies, miss you, love you, can't live without you.

in the famous words of kenny rogers: you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em... . know when to walk away, know when to run!

icu2

[seeking balance]

His contacting you was not for you or about you - it was about him and for him, that fact has not changed.

So, you are shaken - of course you are - we all would be given the scenario.  You already have read tons of stories here so you know this is not something out of the norm in regards to a poor apology or carrot to see if you will bite or whatever it may be... . so what do you do now?

You rebalance yourself - just like you have in the past.  Come here, get the support you need - maybe go work out to get some of that anger out - but let the emotions pass through and keep moving forward.

You handled it great - acknowledged him without engaging - now let go... . it is that simple (not easy, I know).

You are stronger than you realize and  you will process this wave of emotions and all will be back on track sooner than you think.

Hang in there,

SB

[Trick1004]

It's just the last method they hold to keep control of you, as a previous poster mentioned the ace up their sleeve so to speak. The lack of closure on the BPDs part seems to be a very common similarity between all our experiences.

The BPD recognizes this as the one thing that we non's lack when the r/s ends and stalls our process of completely moving on. This is their biggest fear and I am convinced why they still want to keep us as "friends" and hope to talk in the future.

Really though they have had ample time to give us closure, like I think most of us did for them, either through an email, letter, or even during the breakup process. Was it ever given? In my case no. The only thing offered was I hope we can talk later and still be friends. Talk about what and how can I ever be friends with someone who up and decided one day to leave, throwing me and our plans for the future into the trash?

I like the card game analogy by ucmeicu, you can't win this game with them. The deck, the rules, whatever are stacked against you and all you can do is step up, gather whatever chips you have left, and walk away leaving them holding their ace up the sleeve (which is most likely a six anyway  ) wondering what the hell just happened.



     

[Lady31]

I believe learning curve is right on the money here!  The contact has NOTHING to do with an apology.  Something is going on with him and he needs to self soothe.  He needs someone to talk to/wants to feel better.  He tries talking to you, no response, so sends some BS email about an apology that he doesn't give as bait.  Depending on how you responded to that would depend on how much of an apology he would be willing to bare, and would also tell him how much of one he would NEED to put out there to talk to you again.  And talking to you would have nothing to do with you, what you guys had or what happened really.  The purpose for getting the convos going again with you would be to have YOU around to help soothe and or distract HIM.

And if he did want to use you again to recycle LD just so he could get a rush/ego boost/avoid loneliness - that IS possible - however it would be just for those immediate feelings he needs soothed or need met.  IF that was a potential motive here, then he is going to try to get the convo going - which means he will word the message in such a way to try to draw you out without just putting it all out there at once. Especially since he got no response from the hi.

Remember - the motive is not to apologize, or he would have done so.  The motive is to engage you to meet some need for him which is CLEAR by his actions and the wording of his message. 

I personally think that is all it is.

[babyducks]

del,

Isn't that the thing with BPD?  I have spent countless hours in some form of "what was she thinking?"  when I get a text or an email or the occasional visit.

I have invested an untold amount of energy trying to decipher what was going on in her head, and in her heart when things happened.

And eventually that got very bad for me.   

If I am going to focus on her, than I need to keep hold of the realization that I am interacting with a disordered individual.   There is a very real and very serious illness at play here and just as I wouldn't give sugar to a diabetic or encourage a recovering addict to use I need to be mindful of how my actions could be part of that dynamic.

Sometimes I think it is natural to focus on them because their emotions are so intense.   Sometimes I forget to ask myself,... . and what would be the best for babyducks right here, right now.  What could I do that would give me the greatest chance for peace, happiness, and a healthy relationship.

You said you were so shocked you nearly fainted.   Yeah.  Me too.   A lot.  I have only recently had limited success in keeping those shocks from knocking me off my feet.  I don't want to live my life reeling.   I want to be strong and confident and comfortable.   I think that means not only do I have to release my EX,  let go, but I have to let the feelings our relationship created subside.   

And then replace those feelings with new feelings.  I want to look towards the future with a strong and active faith that things ARE really allright.

babyducks

[delusionalxox]

I really wonder what need it is... . .why they NEED not to be able to let you go entirely... .

Someone in another thread made an analogy to boxes on a shelf... .

I don't think he entirely wants a recycle either... . I think what he wants somehow is my attention.  And I guess he got it!

This guy abandoned me pregnant and on the day I was going through the abortion entirely on my own I tried to call him a few times as I was devastated and completely alone with it all- and he sent me a message back telling me how much I had damaged HIM. This 'I want to apologise' email doesn't even mention any of that.

He is still deep in denial. I'm kind of thankful to him for sending this as I really realise how sick he is. He needs help desperately and is obviously in trouble and trying to self soothe (and unable to do so).

But he is not my problem.

I don't think he liked my reply, which was forgiving but very clear that it is completely over and I don't want to talk now. I said (ever too polite) maybe we could be friends in the future, which I shouldn't have said because unless he acknowledges the utterly hitty way he treated me (the abortion was only part of it but the crowning part) he isn't someone I want to be friends with.

I felt however that not replying might leave him wanting to prod more (as he did when I didn't reply to the 'hi... . ' and that replying angrily would open me up to more abuse from him.

As to trashing emails- my email filter will only send to trash. I did avoid them though and only got the message because he also texted it.

If he keeps texting (unlikely I think) I'll change my number.

[delusionalxox]

Lady31 I completely agree with you... he is trying to self soothe... . but why through me, the person he was never going to speak too again, who is a 'psycho' and has 'damaged him deeply'?

It just amazes me, the way they seem to completely dissociate from the nuclear abuse they were dealing out only a few weeks ago...

Apart from a vague attempt to recycle (not likely as he has no money and I will NEVER get on a plane again to that country! LOL) what possible need can I fulfil for him? I'm the 'bhit' who ruined his life... . ! hehehe.

It's really just textbook BPD isn't it... . almost laughably so. And to think I came to the boards thinking I was the BPD... . loads of  there! I've come a long way from that thanks to you all. 

[fromheeltoheal]

It's really just textbook BPD isn't it... . almost laughably so.

Yep.  Mine did similar.  My take is she (they) knew she treated me like sht, couldn't help herself, doesn't know why she does what she does, but feels guilty anyway.  Shtty way to live, but BPD is a shame-based disorder, and mine was checking in with me partly to see if I was making it through to lessen her guilt, partly to see if there was any admiration left from me, meaning she wasn't worthless, which is her default state; all of it to use me to soothe her.  Again.  Well, love to help babe, but when 'help' includes twisting the knife, you can go to hell.

[SweetCharlotte]

I am concerned for you because it sounds like you are suffering after-effects of the abortion. Drinking is a common response in women after an abortion, and it can lead to alcohol dependence. Many health consequences increase for women who have had to terminate a pregnancy. It is an unacknowledged mental and physical health risk. I hope you are getting or will get counseling to deal with this. It may not just be the ex re-surfacing; it is literally the ghost of that pregnancy that he brings back.

In a twisted BPD way, he may have wanted to re-ignite these feelings in you because you "killed his baby" (even though this is a warped perspective on the procedure). For a pwBPD, this is an excellent opportunity to blame someone for their inner pain.

I am not a pro-lifer in the least; I'm just aware that abortion is complex and is not a quick or easy solution to an unwanted pregnancy. So please be careful if you find yourself drinking or falling into other self-destructive patterns. It's important to know what got you there (how did you wind up having unprotected sex with an irresponsible person) and how to avoid it in the future. In the US, Catholic churches (of all places) have "Project Rachel," and there are other post-abortion support groups as well.

[laelle]

Delusional,

What apology could he possibly give to make all the horrible things he did to you forgivable?  So what does it matter?  His apology isnt worth spit, and not worth having.

Who care how he feels?  Care about how he treated you and let him soothe himself ALONE.  There is no room for him in a healthy life.

 Laelle