seeing the truth finding out how game is works

[simplyasiam]

in six years ive never let myself see the truth here.

over the last few month ive come to see what alot of ppl her and in my everday life is the truth.

exBPDg/f wants to make sure im here and thats why she calls txt what ever.

its not about me its about her. the longer i have on to hope the longer i will live in this hell.

[Notthesame64]

the longer i have on to hope the longer i will live in this hell.

What are you hoping for Simply?  A change in her? An apology? A acknowledgement that you even matter?  To be seen? Heard?  To perhaps tell you that she misses you and that she messed up?   Well grab a snack and a chair because you will be waiting till hell freezes over!   

Their not capable to give you that.   Mine for instance is so wrapped up in his own misery they can't see past their own noses.  He crystal that he's alone... but pushes everyone out of his life... he cries he's not good enough for anybody but he doesn't know how to let anybody in.  He cries he's in ruins... yet he's the only one who can help him... they don't change... . not without therapy and for some they treat therapy like the plague... it's the last thing on earth they would do.

So what are you waiting for?  6years is a long time... believe me I understand... but if you haven't seen it yet... . what's another 6years going to do?  Make you crazy... sad maybe, hurt?  Is that what you're waiting for?

[simplyasiam]

hello 64, i didnt post this for what i want from her, but rather to say what ive learned here and from friend/family... . kind of a out of the fog thing.

i have heard all those things you asked about, from her many times just before she turned cold and told me to just move on.

i think that would be part of the push pull cycle

[ucmeicu2]

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell.

wow 6 yrs you've been working on this and it sounds like today you've had a major breakthrough.  bravo and good for you.

sage words ~ i think i'll print them out and this will become my new mantra for awhile... .

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

PS  i've known all along, deep down inside, that this is the crux of the biscuit.  thanx for writing it out. 

icu2

[eternity75]

Simply I know what you are saying. My BPD bf calls me, texts me throughout the day, constantly ends texts with "please don't forget me". One of my friends recently got pissed off and said to me "We can't even have a girls night out without him calling and texting you constantly. You are enabling his behaviour". I said to her "But I like that he's thinking about me enough to want to call or text". She got even more irate and yelled "That's not love, that's control! He's controlling you because he needs to know where you are and what you're doing constantly!"

I was kind of in denial about it. But I realize now it's true. It's not about loving me, being concerned about me, even being jealous or missing me... . it's about making sure I still exist in his life and have not abandoned him.

[Notthesame64]

sorry Simply, I thought you were saying you were waiting for hope... my mistake 

[eyvindr]

I was kind of in denial about it. But I realize now it's true. It's not about loving me, being concerned about me, even being jealous or missing me... . it's about making sure I still exist in his life and have not abandoned him.

I never thought of it quite this clearly. My ud(as-far-as-I-know)BPDgf was a complete txtng maniac! She needed to be in continual contact with me -- and generally if I didn't respond to every single text that she sent, generally within less than 5 mins -- regardless of whether I was at work, traveling, doing something she was aware of -- she'd get angry and stir up some conflict, asking me "why are you being distant?" and than kind of crap! 

One of the demands she made within the r-ship was that, if I was invited to go out with some workout friends, I had to invite her. This never was a problem with me -- she was always welcome to join us. But even when she couldn't come, because she'd told me earlier in the day about having something to do -- BEFORE there even were plans to go out -- she needed me to invite her anyways, even when I knew she couldn't come. Totally confused me, and I never understood it before -- always just chalked it up to her insecurities, and figured if that's what she needed, I'd just let her know regardless, no skin off my back. But eternity's post puts it into perspective -- it was a control thing, and it was all about making sure that I wasn't abandoning her for other people. Sad.

[charred]

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell.

wow 6 yrs you've been working on this and it sounds like today you've had a major breakthrough.  bravo and good for you.

sage words ~ i think i'll print them out and this will become my new mantra for awhile... .

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

PS  i've known all along, deep down inside, that this is the crux of the biscuit.  thanx for writing it out. 

icu2

Maybe;

"The longer I hold on to this hope I know is false, the longer I will live in this hell."

It rings so true. The last few recycles with my pwBPD... I knew it wasn't going to work, I just didn't want to accept the truth. Had to deny reality a lot to stay in the r/s as long as I did. When I switched to the view that her statements had to jive with reality or not be accepted... be challenged every time... . the end was swift. I went NC... then LC, but set a personal boundary that I would not see her again till the contacts showed hope and jived with reality... . within a few weeks was back to NC and finally was able to accept that she truly is disordered and if I choose to be with her, I am choosing all the bad things I have already encountered with her and possibly more. I also accepted that most of the time, things were not great with her, or even good, they were horrible. Wrote out how much time was great/normal/bad... each go round and it was no more than 25% good or normal... . and over time the great/normal part was shorter and the intensity of the bad stuff was greater.

Embrace reality, not false hope.

[saw_tooth]

Denial=supposed emotional safety that an 'alive' relationship brings.

A bubble burtsts only when it it pricked with a pin.The 'prick' sure hurts,but time heals it.

I lived in a dream for almost a year,thinking 'sticking around','bending backwards' and 'giving more love' will somehow make things work.

Realization and acceptance that they are not 'whole' and that ' adult love' cannot exist when one partner is not 'whole' is what breaks the 'bubble'.Thereafter,its not so arduous a journey.

Accept things the way they are and do not feel that the problems you faced were because you did anything wrong.

No matter how much you love them,it ends(or drags on and you are just as miserable).This is a bitter pill to swallow but one must do it for ones own sake.

I suggest snapping out of the 'bubble' and then,slowly letting go.Talking to close friends and family to 'vent' how you feel helps loads.Try that as well.

Good luck.

[Bulgakov]

I just wanted to chime in and say that I am about 6 years in as well, on and off a couple times. It is beginning to thin me out.  It seems like a lot of us get stuck. I'm not sure why. You would think I could be rational and see that this is not working out. Of course, living together makes the thought of leaving seem like a nightmare.

[ucmeicu2]

Maybe;  "The longer I hold on to this hope I know is false, the longer I will live in this hell." 

thanx charred, that little tweak makes it better! 

When I switched to the view that her statements had to jive with reality or not be accepted... be challenged every time... . the end was swift. I went NC... then LC, but set a personal boundary that I would not see her again till the contacts showed hope and jived with reality... . 

bingo!  i did the same thing and guess what?  my xBPDgf knew what was going on.  she actually said to me, in a trailing, waifish voice (which she was prone to use when she realized she'd been busted) something to the effect of:  "i understand... .i know what you're doing... .you're trying to set up boundaries... .i don't blame you". 

i swear to god i would NEVER date ANYONE again who's in the psych/counseling/T field.  she knew all the lingo, all the buzz words, all the everything!   she had had CBT, DBT, EMDR, you name it, and she was very capable to talk her way into making me think i was wrong/losing it/forgettful/confused/angry/jealous/misguided/misdirected/etc so it was surprising to hear her admit that and validate me for doing it.  IOW she knew she was making me bleed out and i was setting boundaries to stop the hemhoraging. 

within a few weeks was back to NC and finally was able to accept that she truly is disordered and if I choose to be with her, I am choosing all the bad things I have already encountered with her and possibly more. I also accepted that most of the time, things were not great with her, or even good, they were horrible. Wrote out how much time was great/normal/bad... each go round and it was no more than 25% good or normal... . and over time the great/normal part was shorter and the intensity of the bad stuff was greater... .Embrace reality, not false hope.

well awesome paragraph, could have written it myself, right down to the 25%.  yet still, i have moments when that false hope springs eternal and i think " but she's sober at least 9 months now so let's talk to her and test the waters... .".  she might be greatly improved but i don't know if "i" could survive another go-round that ends badly.

thank you, charred.

icu2

[Emelie Emelie]

"The longer I hold on... .the longer I will be in this hell".  True true true.  I thought I was doing better.  Left my phone at work today.  When I got home and checked and found no calls/texts I realized I was still hoping to hear from him.  It's been a week.  I think the longest we've gone is 10 days.  I am still holding on.  To what?  A couple months out at least I can see how crappy he was to me a lot of the time.  Especially at the end.  So what am I holding on to?  Why do I care?  It's so hard for me to understand why.

[simplyasiam]

hello emelie, im at almost 6 month point of break up made it 30 days n/c one time then she came around its been txtand calls every week from that point never works out for me. ive not spoke or replied to her in 14 days and 5 days without her contacting me.

i still find myself doing the same with the phone and with f/b and email

its getting better for but still up and down alot.

still not ready to totaly ready to let go so ill keep living in hell till i am.

do feel bad im sure we all do it

[SeekerofTruth]

sage words ~ i think i'll print them out and this will become my new mantra for awhile... . 

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

the longer i hang on to hope the longer i will live in this hell

PS  i've known all along, deep down inside, that this is the crux of the biscuit.  thanx for writing it out. 

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is that like... .having a a top ten list in the back of your head itemizing things you hold near and dear or goals you have that eventually will be sliced and diced to pieces?

10. (time) 9. (time) 8. (time) 7. (time)... .and so on until you get down to 1. Yup, that too.