Well I screwed up and broke NC

[Emelie Emelie]

It had been almost two weeks. Had a rough day yesterday and texted him. "How are you doing?  It still feels weird not to talk to you.". I didn't hear back from him and went to dinner with a guy who is a friend that I'm trying to recruit and work for me. A couPle hours later I checked my phone and he had responded about half an hour ago. Said sorry, wasn't ignoring you. At a networking event. I miss talking to you too. I'm doing okay and I hope you are well. Nice. Followed by this 15 minutes later. "You must  be on a date. Sorry to bother you.". I texted back that I was not On a date. Told him I was out with someone I was trying to recruit and he says yeah because that happens at 9pm. He followed up with "my guess... . you had a date you didn't want to go on so you texted me.". What the heck?  I responded when I got home that I had never lied to him. Why would I lie to him   Now?  (post break up). That I was embarrassed to text him because I had initiated 95% of all contact since BU. if I hadnt God knows if or when I would have heard from him. And that I didn't know what the hell he wanted from me. No response. I don't know what to think or do. I left it alone. I am so confused I can't see straight.

[seeking balance]

I am so confused I can't see straight.

What exactly are you confused about?  You kinda summed it all up with this right here... .

That I was embarrassed to text him because I had initiated 95% of all contact since BU. if I hadnt God knows if or when I would have heard from him. And that I didn't know what the hell he wanted from me. No response.

[simplyasiam]

ive do the same thing a few times this summer never works out.

did it yesterday. txt her hope she doing well

she called 6 hours latter told me she quessed she was ok missed me.

started txt me a few hours latter about how much she missed me and out old life.

soon as i said i felt same and wanted her back she went cold and told me to plz just move on.


all i did was make her good for a week or two more till she wants to set the hook again.

got get past this and black her out

[Emelie Emelie]

Okay Seeking Balance... . I hear you. But if he doesn't reach out to me... . doesn't I

Initiate contact... . why is he do upset and accusatory?  I do not understand.

[seeking balance]

Okay Seeking Balance... . I hear you. But if he doesn't reach out to me.... doesn't I

Initiate contact... . why is he do upset and accusatory?  I do not understand.

Em - I know you are having a rough time right now, but he is kinda making it clear he doesn't want to be the one you reach out to... . he is pushing your buttons because you contacting him is pushing his "guilt/shame" buttons.

It is a vicious cycle - his actions seem to be indicating he doesn't want contact, then you contact when you are sad or lonely with what you think is sweet and he sees as... . manipulative maybe?... . and he makes you even more upset.

I am sorry you are hurting, I really am - I remember posting on here that I broke contact to ask about the dog and got a rude reply... . you know what, when I had enough pain I finally had to accept my ex was NOT going to be the one who soothed it.  So I cried, a lot.  And I said the same things to friends over and over.  And I posted here and I read and eventually it got easier... . but only when I finally realized my ex was the cause of my pain, not the source to heal it.  Healing comes from within.



Be good to you now - it's ok, we all do it until we just don't any more.

[Emelie Emelie]

As hard as it is to hear (and it's very hard) I appreciate your feedback. I know you're right. He's not contacting me at all. And his initial response was nice and kInd and I felt sincere. But I don't get back to him immediately and he gets jealous and angry. He was very upset that I went out with someone else a few weeks post break up. Raged at me about it. And he dumped me!  I suppose it's about a loss of control with him. If he thinks I'm home crying about him he's just fIne. If he thinks I'm moving on he goes nuts. I suppose that's human nature to some extent. But I also think he really believes this was all my fault. Whatever. He was being such a jerk again last night and I told myself... . you're not with him anymore. You don't need to put up with his jealous BS anymore. Then all day today I'm crushed because he didn't reply. (Last time he raged at me via text he called to apologize.). I know I have to leave him alone. I don't understand why I miss him so much when he has caused me so much pain. I just want to stop crying.

[seeking balance]

Just let yourself cry... . it really will stop and you will be ok... .

[Scout99]

Hi Emelie Emelie!

I am so sorry you feel so distraught and hurt right now. I've been there too, just recently, so I know how just wrong it feels not to be able to talk with the person you have spent hours and hours talking to about all kinds of things, back then, when things were good, and he was just Prince Charming and not Prince Disordered Hurtful... .

I agree however with seeking balance that he can no longer be your go to person... . He can't because our exes so close to break up hardly ever can. And especially not if he on top of everything else has BPD... .

I can however perhaps offer an alternative explanation for his behavior at this time. Not that it makes much difference, but since we at this point somehow need as much food for our minds as we can, to help in the healing process of letting go of our feelings... .

I recognize his behavior from my own ex, even from the time we were together. He is very impatient when moody or dysregulating and at such times he more or less demanded immediate responses from me, when he felt he was making any kind of sacrifice towards me by returning a phone call or replying to a text... . (Not that I could ever expect the same in return... . But that's a given, right... .  )

Anyway, if I for whatever reason couldn't get back to him fast enough, he felt it was well within his rights to punish me for it at such times... . Since at such times he was all full of himself, and couldn't see straight... . And me not getting back to him right away set his imagination off on rides I still cannot understand with any logic... .

It doesn't really matter to him if you are seeing anybody else, or whatever your reason there may be for you not texting back fast enough for him to be satisfied! He will use whatever snappy comment he can think of in the moment, and usually it also contains some kind of projection... . Since like seeking balance wrote... . His mood is setting off his shame and guilt cycle. And since cheating often I guess is on the menu for him, he likes to use that to assign some blame on others, so he doesn't feel so alone in being a bad person himself... . (Which is pretty much the (false) self image he has about himself... .

What I am trying to get through to you here is - you cannot apply logic to this and get anywhere by (over)-analyzing the content of his text! It is just dysregulated bull___... .

He may have engaged in some text conversation with you if you had replied to his text immediately... . BUT and this is a big BUT, the result would have been the same. He would have found something else, either in your wording or just the fact that you tried to keep the conversation going to jump on and deliver a snappy comment about. Since that was apparently the mood he was in when your text caught him... .

They often try to remain "friends" of some sort post break up. But not for any empathetic reasons, but because they always try to keep "understanding" or "kind" people close for just in case situations... . That is times when they for selfish reasons need someone to feed their need at the moment... . Be it validation, comfort, support whatever... .

But there is nothing in it for you/us when the break up is a fact and they have made up their minds about that... . Even when they try to recycle things it is for selfish reasons. Because that is all they got, once idealization is gone, for them... .

It is not because they are bad people. It is because they are BPD. It is not who they want to be, but it is who they are as long as they don't choose to work through treatment of some sort... .

He is a captive in his own BPD prison. And as long as that is where he chooses to be, he will not be good for you. Especially since you still have feelings for him and are hurt. Then you are bad for each other... . Him bad for you because his selfish behavior hurts you. And you because you trigger shame and guilt in him... .

I actually just had a similar conversation yesterday with my ex... . I don't contact him anymore. But sometimes he contacts me... . Really just to make sure to himself that I am still there... . He just doesn't know I have made up my mind and will never do anything but act civil towards him. I don't want him back. But still he does it because he I guess likes to believe he could, just in case... . This time it was because he was sick... . And was supposed to get back to work after his vacation. (He is always "sick" as soon as something stressful comes up, and he doesn't like his job, so go figure... . ). And just as I thought, the reason he contacted me was because he had gotten a reply from his boss, stating that they hoped he would be back the next day. He of course took that as them not really believing in him so it set of shame and guilt in him. And he was fishing for reassurance... .

However it was all about him! He didn't ask about me or how I was doing or what was going on in my life. So I decided to test him... . Just for the heck of it... . So I told him I was going on a trip the next day, which he knows I do a lot and which usually back in the days would have him at least wish me luck or be careful on the roads or some questions about it, since he usually back then would care about what I did... . This time he just stopped replying... .

His encounter with me was not a mutual encounter. It was just to get reassurance for him... . Relieve his stress... . All about him... .

Now these things don't hurt me anymore... . I understand better these days. My mind has taken over, and my feelings have begun to at least diminish... . So I am not hurt anymore by his selfish behavior. Instead I feel sorry for him living this punishment that BPD is. And glad I now longer have to be a part of it... .

One day you will get there too! That is the only thing I know! Until then you have if nothing else us here! Keep posting and keep letting these things out! That helps more than you feel right now!

Best Wishes

Scout99

[sadinnc98]

Ahhh Em, I am sorry you are hurting. I totally feel your pain. I really miss my ex too. I had to message a friend for an "intervention" last night because I wanted to text that I missed him. He had been texting me and my responses to him were brief and lacking any emotion (totally unlike me) and I could tell he picked up on it. Then I felt bad because I thought I hurt his feelings so I wanted to text him... but I didn't. I keep telling myself that this breakup was his choice, he said he is not right for our relationship, etc... and so why should I try to contact him, etc... I don't know why he is still contacting me... and maybe he won't anymore.  I know how hard this is, I soo feel for you

[laelle]

Emilie,

This brings back some really rough memories for me... . It is a mistake that we all make at our weakest moments... . Do you feel it was a mistake to contact him, or do you really want someone who treats you like that back in your life?

Do you want to live your whole life with the type of interaction that you just mentioned?  If you manage to smooth this over, he will have you JADE 'ing left and right until he next recycle is finished.  Emilie, I know it is very hard to be able to see right now, but his behavior is abusive and unhealthy for you.  It amounts to brainwashing... .

You dont owe this guy ANYTHING.  He has no right to know what you were doing, he is overstepping his boundaries.

Stop with the FEAR, OBLIGATION, and GUILT and let this one go.  It doesnt matter if you texted him first... . stop texting him, remove his email, phone number so you cant impulsively contact him when you are feeling low.

If you were drowning he would throw you a rock instead of a life preserver... . save yourself

You deserve it... .

He can not take away your pain, he is the one causing it... .

 Laelle

[eyvindr]

EE --

Sorry you're going through this. It sucks, no two ways about it. The first part of your post about him responding with an assumption (implied accusation) that you were "on a date" could easily have been lifted right from one of hundreds of txt msgs my ex sent me.

I think Scout sums it up very well right here:

It is not because they are bad people. It is because they are BPD. It is not who they want to be, but it is who they are as long as they don't choose to work through treatment of some sort... .

He is a captive in his own BPD prison. And as long as that is where he chooses to be, he will not be good for you. Especially since you still have feelings for him and are hurt. Then you are bad for each other... . Him bad for you because his selfish behavior hurts you. And you because you trigger shame and guilt in him... .

Hang in there. Take care of yourself and accept that he needs to learn to take care of himself, whether he wants to or not, and it's not your responsibility.

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you all so much for your responses.  I actually had an interesting development today.  I was at work.  Phone rang.  I have caller id.  Number I didn't recognize.  Picked up.  It was him. I said where are you calling from?  He said my assistants cell phone because you won't answer my calls.  I said what are you talking about?  He said I've called your office 20 times, I've called your cell phone several times.  You won't pick up.  I said I didn't realize I missed your calls.  Checked my cell phone and yes indeed there were several "missed" calls from him.  I have no idea why I didn't notice.  You know... . you usually see a "missed call" notification.  (Maybe the Universe was on my side with this one  .  I said sorry... . missed them but what's up?  He said I don't want to get any more $hitty texts from you.  I said what are you talking about?  He said the other night when you said "What the hell do you want from me?"  I said okay, that was in response to several texts from you accusing me of lying to you and being on a date, etc.  He said I did that because I called you and you wouldn't answer.  I said I didn't realize you called.  I reached out to you that night because I had had a really rough day.  I was feeling lonely and vulnerable and my instinct is still turn to you when I'm feeling that way.  I know it's not appropriate and I need to figure it out myself but it was a weak moment.  He said hey it's okay, what's going on.  And I told him all the crap that had happened that day (car broke down in middle of intersection, new  range cannot be hooked up due to gas line snafu and cannot be returned, boss reamed me for 2 hours, herniated disc in back... . hurts like hell etc.) He was definitely being the "good" one of Jekyll of Hyde.  Said why didn't you call me when your car broke down?  I can come over and sort out the issue with your range.  I'm still you friend etc.  Of course at this point I am sobbing again (at the office... . great).  He's like honey, what is wrong?  Why are you crying?  I said I'm just overwhelmed right now.  I can sort this stuff out.  He said please let me come over and take a look at the range.  I can drive you out to the dealership and pick up your car.  I said no.  I've got it handled.  He said this has been hard for me too.  I said I know.  But I've got a meeting.  Have to go.  (I needed to get off that call and get it together.)  Anyway he followed up with a text.  He said I'm glad we talked.  Cleared the air.  I responded that I was glad too.  I apologized for being so emotional.  I said I am really doing okay.  (Liar liar.)  I know this relationship wasn't working and this is the best thing for both of us.  But I still miss you and it's hard some times.  I know it's hard on you too.  He responded that he still wants me in his life (no) and that he would always be there for me.  Wanted me to please call if I ever needed something.  So... . sobbing about it AGAIN while I'm typing this.  But it was good.  I was able to take some of my power back in saying that I knew this needed to be over.  That I was okay.  I'm not... . but he doesn't need to know that... . right?  I feel like I got some closure. 

[peas]

EE, it seems like you broke NC looking for an opening instead of closure, possibly checking the lines to see if he signaled a reunion to take you back. However, it certainly says something good about your progress that you acknowledged to him the r/s isn't to be.

I hope after that conversation you do feel a sense of closure. That will help you move on because at least some lingering questions or confusion about each other's feelings can be resolved. I often wondered if my breakup pain would have lessened if I was able to put my ex in the "friend" category rather than "boyfriend" category. The way my ex and I parted, we are both in enemy category unfortunately, and that has been hard to deal with.

At the end of the day, breaking NC is about wanting their attention and interest. Which makes it our problem, not theirs.

[Blaise]

You did not screw up. You cannot impose NC on yourself. NC imposes itself on you when you reach the point where contacts hurt too much. NC is a shield, not a sword.

[Learning_curve74]

Progress isn't always only forwards. Sometimes we take a step forward, two steps backwards, then a step sideways, three steps forwards... . but we're still making progress.

NC is like a bandage over our wounds. It keeps the wound from getting worse but while the wound is still not healed, all oozy, and sticking to the bandage, if we then rip off the bandage it can cause us to be hurt again and have to start the healing process all over almost from square one. We are naturally curious, sometimes we want to peek under the bandage and see how it's going, but sometimes it is a better choice to leave it alone?

[Emelie Emelie]

Thanks Learning Curve - I had really conflicted feelings about the conversation with him.  (He continued to text me all night... . mostly funny, quippy stuff but also the "I am always here for you." kind of thing.  "Please let me come over and help you with things at the house."  First of all he cannot deal with with me acting anything but okay about this.  I think this is his shame and guilt about his behaviors.  The pain he caused.  He needs it to "end well".  Secondly I did feel better in some sense... . that I took some power back, acknowledged it needed to be over.  Best for me too.  But as Learning Curve says below:

NC is like a bandage over our wounds. It keeps the wound from getting worse but while the wound is still not healed, all oozy, and sticking to the bandage, if we then rip off the bandage it can cause us to be hurt again and have to start the healing process all over almost from square one. We are naturally curious, sometimes we want to peek under the bandage and see how it's going, but sometimes it is a better choice to leave it alone?

It also felt like it just happened all over again.  In his texting last night he was telling me lots about what was going on with him, how well he's doing... . working out regularly, "getting out and meeting people".  That was all hard.  Really hard.  I know I can't go back but I immaturely want him to want me back.  It does feel like we broke up anew.  Or a new finality to it.  Square One.  Saw my T yesterday (before all this happened) and he said hey, you can contact him anytime you want, I don't think telling yourself you "can't" is working.  Because you get needy and vulnerable and you reach out.  But I'm going to ask you to do one thing.  Make a pro and con list first.  Not in your head.  On paper.  Tell yourself you can  contact him if you want but first you're going to make this list. 

I think that's a good strategy and wanted to share.

[Emelie Emelie]

The other part of it that was difficult is he was being the "good one".  The guy I fell in love with.  I have to remind myself that they are the same person.  The good guy and the bad guy. 

[eyvindr]

EE --

I feel ya.

Thanks Learning Curve - I had really conflicted feelings about the conversation with him.  (He continued to text me all night... . mostly funny, quippy stuff but also the "I am always here for you." kind of thing.  "Please let me come over and help you with things at the house."  First of all he cannot deal with with me acting anything but okay about this.  I think this is his shame and guilt about his behaviors.  The pain he caused.  He needs it to "end well"... .  

Hard as it is to hear -- is it possible that he knows, on some level, that you won't take him up on his offer? Not that he's necessarily being insincere, but that it's easy for people who can't help to play the if-you-ever-need-anything-you-know-you-can-count-on-me card. My ex did this all the time. Example -- she had no ability that I was ever able to discern to manage her expenses. Would often say things like, "I really wish I could help pay but I'm short on money this month... . " Yet she'd regularly tell me things like, "I just want you to know, if you ever lost your job, you'd have a place to stay -- I'd take care of you." Aside from the fact that I can and do take care of myself, and always will -- how would that work? (Apologies for that digression.)

It also felt like it just happened all over again. In his texting last night he was telling me lots about what was going on with him, how well he's doing... . working out regularly, "getting out and meeting people." That was all hard. Really hard. I know I can't go back but I immaturely want him to want me back. It does feel like we broke up anew.

And that's why NC is so often the only true path to moving on after these kinds of r-ships. Any contact with them just creates confusion and self-doubt. Of course, we want them to be doing well, because we love them. But, one thing I experienced very clearly with my ex -- she said as much -- while I wanted her to be happy, with or without me in her life, she didn't want me to be happy at all if it didn't include her. Very self-centered. When we broke up the first time a year ago, she -- who claimed to despise all social media -- suddenly had profiles all over the web, talking about all of the exciting, creative endeavors she was getting involved in -- the kinds of things that had originally been part of why I was so attracted to her, but which mysteriously stopped completely the entire time we were dating. In other places, she'd post about how she finally felt "free" enough to pursue her passions, implying that our r-ship was what had been holding her back -- that my presence in her life was some sort of negative, defeatist force. All utter BS.

She needed to do it, though. She admitted as much, after we got back together. She needed to BS herself into thinking she was better off. It's one of the saddest and most confusing aspects of this disease, in my opinion -- how easily they are able to believe things that exist only in their imaginations.

Hang in there.

[Emelie Emelie]

I think he's quite sincere about helping me out.  He really really needs to feel like a "good guy".  He would definitely be there if I asked.  However I'm not going to ask.  I told him I had things handled.  And I know his calls to me were about that.  I think he'd been drinking towards the end of the night because the later ones were "If you ever want to just get laid... . "  Which I ignored.  Followed by "So that's a no on the getting laid?"  Etc.  That stuff really hurt.  Because I know he could have a sexual relationship with me without any emotional ties to me.  I'm hanging in there.  It really, really, really sucks.  But I'm hanging in there.  Thanks!

[tailspin]

Make a pro and con list first

Good advice, but the problem is that fear is driving your behavior... . not your rational thought process.

Until you can get to the root of your fears, concerning what will happen if you do not contact him, your behaviors will continue.

Our fears only have power over us if we leave them in the shadows and lose all their power once exposed to the light.

Peace,

tailspin

[eyvindr]

Our fears only have power over us if we leave them in the shadows and lose all their power once exposed to the light.

Amen. Gotta identify our own inner demons, reach right in there and grab them, pull them out, give them a great big hug, look 'em in the eyes and say, "Just remember this -- without me, you don't exist!"

[patientandclear]

Emelie, I hope this might salve your ego a bit.

You can clearly see you are performing a false front for him -- telling him you're fine, you've got it handled, you know the r/s needs to be over, you accept it.  When the reality is a lot more complicated.  But you are telling him this because you've concluded he can't handle the more complete story, he will react badly, it will trigger his shame (that last part no doubt correct, at least in the short term).

Can't you see that he is no doubt doing the same?

You are taking him literally.  He says he is getting out, doing well, meeting people.  This makes you feel bad.  Why do you assume it is a true statement of his feelings, not a performance for himself and for you?  Just like yours?

He offers "getting laid" and you think that means he can have a sexual r/s with you without emotional connection.

I understand that is what his words suggest but it's complete hogwash. This guy is intensely emotionally connected to you, regardless of words. Can't you see that?  Your issues are not due to the fact that he does not care.

You are both so intensely defended against one another that your contact is now an echo chamber of "I'm fine without you."  "Me too, I'm fine without you.  I miss you but fundamentally I'm fine, or I'm going to be fine, or I'm going to be better off without you."  "Oh great, me too."

I just don't want you to absorb hurt because you are believing his brave, defended front.

[eyvindr]

I understand that is what his words suggest but it's complete hogwash. This guy is intensely emotionally connected to you, regardless of words. Can't you see that?  Your issues are not due to the fact that he does not care.

You are both so intensely defended against one another that your contact is now an echo chamber of "I'm fine without you."  "Me too, I'm fine without you.  I miss you but fundamentally I'm fine, or I'm going to be fine, or I'm going to be better off without you."  "Oh great, me too."

I just don't want you to absorb hurt because you are believing his brave, defended front.

Yes... .

:'(

[peas]

Make a pro and con list first. Not in your head. On paper.

I took this a step further, irrespective of NC. I did this just to remind myself what I dealt with and why.

My list was degrees of pro and con. Like from "really terrible" "terrible" "good" to  "wonderful".

The "really terrible" and "terrible" columns had the most stuff.

[Emelie Emelie]

Patient and Clear that does help salve my ego a bit... . thank you.  But its only until he finds someone new.  It's sort of opened a whole new can of worms though.  He just called me today for some advice on someone he's looking to hire.  (He oftened asked my opinion on business things.  We spent a lot of time in the RS discussing his business.) It was short.  I handled it fine.  But I'm not ready to go from zero to friends.

[Scout99]

Emelie, I hope this might salve your ego a bit.

You can clearly see you are performing a false front for him -- telling him you're fine, you've got it handled, you know the r/s needs to be over, you accept it.  When the reality is a lot more complicated.  But you are telling him this because you've concluded he can't handle the more complete story, he will react badly, it will trigger his shame (that last part no doubt correct, at least in the short term).

Can't you see that he is no doubt doing the same?

You are taking him literally.  He says he is getting out, doing well, meeting people.  This makes you feel bad.  Why do you assume it is a true statement of his feelings, not a performance for himself and for you?  Just like yours?

He offers "getting laid" and you think that means he can have a sexual r/s with you without emotional connection.

I understand that is what his words suggest but it's complete hogwash. This guy is intensely emotionally connected to you, regardless of words. Can't you see that?  Your issues are not due to the fact that he does not care.

You are both so intensely defended against one another that your contact is now an echo chamber of "I'm fine without you."  "Me too, I'm fine without you.  I miss you but fundamentally I'm fine, or I'm going to be fine, or I'm going to be better off without you."  "Oh great, me too."

I just don't want you to absorb hurt because you are believing his brave, defended front.

This is dead on to me! I do think that BPD can come in many different shapes and faces... . And I do believe there are many individual differences between people having this disorder. But having said that, I also believe there are many similarities too between some of them... . This rings so close to home to me... . My ex BPD bf is also I believe developing more and more difficulty in sustaining a real relationship. History proves he has been in the past, but eventually they have all failed. And as a result from that his fear of failure and abandonment increases a little every time and I believe too that going through life untreated also makes the disorder worse with time... . With more dysregulation, more anxiety issues and more mental instability over all... . And that in turn makes it even harder to sustain a relationship... .

IMO they live a lot in their fantasy world. And in that world they are perfect, great friends and helpers and all over good... . There they also see themselves as great partners, and it is the fantasy part of them that delivers BS like I am beginning to date others now and so on... . In their mind they are... . But in reality nothing happens!

My guy broke up with me right before his vacation, that he had been dreaming up so many great things he wanted for us to do, and now instead he wanted to date other people and do all kinds of things while being on vacation... . To feel alive again, as he put it... . However, as hurt as I felt when the words poured down on me... . Afterwards I can now conclude that all he did during his four week long vacation was seeing a friend for one day in my city, while I was away, and another friend in a nearby town for one day... . Both of them was about me, I have found about from him now... . He really wanted to come and see me in my city, and wanted to wait until I got back. But chickened out and also felt so much anxiety being around his friend for a whole 24 hours, so he had to leave... . The second "trip" he did to a lady who plays new age therapist with him... .  and all they talked about was his r/s with me... . She is apparently jealous of it and wants him to drop me... . Of course that will have the opposite effect on him, which she probably doesn't understand through the incense smoke... .

Then he stayed home claiming being sick from a cold or a flu... . And when the panic attacks began to emerge he called... . Guess who... . ?

In essence his vacation can not have been much short of crap, to be honest... .

And he has been obsessing about getting back in touch with me... . One day to be friends, the next to bark at me for not wanting to be friends, the third sending mushy texts with kisses and stuff, and wanting to see me, and then again back to declaring he wants nothing to do with me except maybe being friends... . And all of this is due to his anxiety, his, problems, his BPD... .

But even though he too claims he is doing fine and he wants to be there for me, (or more to the truth me to be there for him), it is all about his dreams... . In his dreams we end up a couple too... . It is just making reality is not so easy for a guy who's mind changes every fifteen minutes... .

But don't think for a minute that you are unimportant to him, Emilie! You mean more than you think! And would even if he would be seeing someone else! Most other people can't in any way handle a person behaving like this, so they bail or they will create fights and conflict so the BPD party leaves... . We become important to them because we are understanding and outpouring of love and kindness and forgiveness. That is what makes them addicted to us. But they are not capable of returning the favor, so to speak... .

Best Wishes

Scout99