Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
June 15, 2024, 03:37:33 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Need some feedback on validation  (Read 374 times)
Viso

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 39


« on: August 22, 2013, 01:29:44 PM »

Validation is very important and makes my BPD H act up less frequently.

However, when he does... . validation doesnt work.

I would tell him that I care, I understand and sorry that he is feeling is such way. His response: " You always say you understand. You don't! Stop pretending you know. If you do, why do you always make me upset?"

What should I do?
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cloudy Days
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1095



« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2013, 02:43:00 PM »

I've gotten the "You don't understand so don't say that you do" statement too and when you think about it maybe you don't really understand because when I was saying it I didn't. It's more like I see that you are upset and I can understand how that could be upsetting to you. Instead of I understand why you are upset or I am sorry that you are upset. I'm not really sure how you are stating things but I think it's important not to tell them that you know what they feel because you don't really. I'm thinking you need to focus more on what you see or hear. You see or hear that he is upset or angry or sad, I have also figured out he doesn't like me to say I'm sorry he feels that way. He doesn't care if I am sorry for anything unless I am apologizing. So maybe try, it must be really hard to feel that way.

From time to time someone on this board posts a really good way of phrasing things and I keep a little notebook at work and write them down to read over. Just as a refresher because the more I see it the more likely I will remember it in the moment. 
Logged

It's not the future you are afraid of, it's repeating the past that makes you anxious.
briefcase
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 18 years, together 20 years, still living together
Posts: 2150



« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2013, 03:08:15 PM »

I'm not a huge fan of the "I understand, you feel angry, etc. " method of validation unless it's really something I understand from personal experience.  Same goes for "I'm sorry you feel . . ." - it's too easily confused for an apology.

I prefer to say things like "You sound angry.  :)id something happen?"  It's less triggering.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Also, you don't always have to validate.  If it isn't working, you can simply end the conversation or move on.  
Logged

Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!