I'm confused about abandonment

[Moonie75]

I fully understand the BPD fear of abandonment being one of (or the main) reasons they 'leg it' from the relationship & hook up asap with the next in line. I get that totally that they fear us chucking them so they run first fueled by that fear.

What I don't understand is the idea that they still fear our abandonment AFTER their relationship with us has ended? Why/how can they fear abandonment from a relationship they're no longer in, ESPECIALLY if their currently idealizing the next partner. Aren't they going to be so love struck with the newest surest person to fix them, that we just don't figure at all anymore?

I'm really confused with this. Why fear abandonment from someone they're no longer with or no longer need? Why fear so much that they'll be forgotten if they believe they've moved to the true rescuer who WILL FIX them?

I'd love an explanation of this theory that seems so contradictory to me. Cheers.

[eyvindr]

What I don't understand is the idea that they still fear our abandonment AFTER their relationship with us has ended? Why/how can they fear abandonment from a relationship they're no longer in, ESPECIALLY if their currently idealizing the next partner. Aren't they going to be so love struck with the newest surest person to fix them, that we just don't figure at all anymore?

Because their brains don't work right.

[Moonie75]

We know this!

I was kind of hoping for a better explanation than that. We know why they fear abandonment during the relationship & their brains don't work properly then either. But non the less there are explanations that help us to understand it.

I'd like to understand more of the fear of abandonment post relationship.

[papawapa]

The longer you are with them the stronger the attachment/bond they form with you the more you mean to them. Just as we nons who end up in relationships with them likely have abandonment issues from our childhoods and form primary bonds with them, they do with us. You have to realize that as hard as it was for us to lose our primary bond, so it is for them. It just appears easier for them on the surface because instead of grieving their loss they cover it up with the new relationship.

[SweetCharlotte]

It just appears easier for them on the surface because instead of grieving their loss they cover it up with the new relationship.

No kidding. My uBPDh was still maligning his previous wife for cheating on him and leaving although that happened ten years before. In the meantime, he had dated and ditched half a dozen women, including one who became pregnant and resorted to abortion. He only resented the exwife, never grieved the relationship, and never understood what part he probably played in its demise.

This was one red flag among many that I should have heeded during the early dating stage.

[Moonie75]

Papa,

That makes sense I guess. I just don't understand how they fear us abandoning them after they already left. We grieve the end of the relationship & grieve the abandonment yes. But we don't fear it as it's already happened. I suppose I don't understand fearing something AFTER the event. Example, fearing abandonment from someone you already left behind in your past! How can you be abandoned by someone who's not there anymore?

[Emelie Emelie]

I get confused about this too.  He ended the rs yet he freaks out about me dating someone else.  He's okay if he thinks I'm home sobbing over him but not if I'm okay and moving on.  I think it's a control thing.  He's okay if he thinks he can get me back if he wants to.  Sort of panics when he's afraid he can't.  I think that will stop when he finds a new rs.

[eternity75]

Hi Moonie,

I'm definitely no expert here... . but I see the pwBPD's fear of abandonment after a relationship as a fear of being forgotten. I say this because my bf constantly every day more than once a day says "Please don't forget me" He will say it on the phone or in a text. This morning I was sleeping and woke up to 2 messages from him. One was a sad face. The 2nd was a crying face. I asked him why the sad faces. He said "You forgot me today" I told him... . I was sleeping! He knows what time I go to bed and what time I usually get up. He knows he is usually awake before me, and he's usually the one to send the first text of the day. But today suddenly I forgot him while I was sleeping.

I think, again this is just my personal opinion, that because the pwBPD doesn't have an identity of their own, and they get their sense of identity through others, that if we "forget" them, they are just a lost soul... . like they cease to exist. So they need all these people to validate their existence and their sense of self (even if it's a false self). So even though they may have moved on to someone new, they still want to feel that they were loved and remembered. Even if they have no feelings left for you at all, they want YOU to still have feelings for them.

They also need many people to validate them (in my experience) so they always keep a few in waiting even while they are with someone new. If they keep their connection with you in some way, and can ensure they are not "forgotten" then they feel somewhat safe knowing if the current SO doesn't work out, they still have person A, B, or C to fall back on, so they don't lose their identity and become that lost soul, they just attach to someone new and resume a new identity (whoever they are attached to at the time).

[eternity75]

I wonder what would happen if we took a pwBPD and left them alone on a small uninhabited island. Would they develop their own identity eventually? Go crazy and come to identify with a coconut? Or simply do away with themselves to end the torture?

Maybe a cruel experiment.

But definitely an interesting thought to ponder.

[Moonie75]

So they 'might' grieve our abandonment, even though they don't appear to grieve the relationship (like we non's do) ?

[Emelie Emelie]

Yeah... . it's kind of always all about them isn't it?  And Eternity I think you make a really good point.  Even if they've moved on to a new RS it's "safer" for them if they think they've got us to fall back on.

[Moonie75]

And Eternity I think you make a really good point.  Even if they've moved on to a new RS it's "safer" for them if they think they've got us to fall back on.

Well that certainly rings true... When my ex admitted me she'd met someone else she actually had the balls to casually play it down & say, "Now is not our time, I firmly believe that. But if we're meant to together be we will be together again one day in the future"!

I couldn't feckin believe my ears! I replied (with equally casual tone) "No I think you will remain firmly in the past lady! With all the other bad moments I'd rather forget."

[eeyore]

my feeling is they don't grieve the relationship because they can't think beyond their nose.   It's all about feeling sorry for themselves and looking good to outsiders.  They are trapped in a world where they believe unfairness is only against them.  This stems from their childhood development of self.  They are unable to self soothe. The truth is life can be unfair to us all however nons learn to deal with it. 

[Trick1004]

Even after they walk out, leaving us to pick up the pieces wondering what the hell happened, the fear of abandonment hasn't left them.

We didn't have the chance to abandon them, which is why they seem to be the ones that pull the trigger first. However, they still fear the day when we are finally able to move on and abandon them. To me this explains a lot of their behavior post break-up, they can't let us move on and will do whatever they can to make sure we don't. 

[eyvindr]

Good thoughts. Apologies for my earlier reply -- came off as flip, and could easily be interpreted as mean, which wasn't my intention.

Just human, and hurting. I really don't think they do much of what they do on purpose, which is difficult to process for those of us who aren't dealing with a disease that seems to "turn off" all the linkages that otherwise exist between free will, rational thought, impulse control and emotional management.

It's very sad.

[tailspin]

What I don't understand is the idea that they still fear our abandonment AFTER their relationship with us has ended?

I don't think what you're seeing post relationship is a fear of abandonment but an attempt to manipulate and control the situation so you'll continue to be around if and when she needs you.  ":)on't forget me" seems hugely manipulative and immature and quite possibly triggers your ex to an earlier relationship (eternity).

This isn't about who they're with; it doesn't matter who they're with.  This is about their mental illness and having someone available to sooth them because our ex's are unable to self sooth.

If you choose limited contact with your ex this will continue to happen.  Her actions are coming from a place of fear and if you can/will give her what she needs... . she will continue to let you. 

tailspin

[Suzn]

So they 'might' grieve our abandonment, even though they don't appear to grieve the relationship (like we non's do) ?

Moonie let me preface this with this... . all pwBPD are not exactly the same. Just as none of us nons are exactly the same. We all have our individual histories. We all have different degrees of severity of our own issues.

Your ex left before you could abandon her. She feared you would leave her long before there were any signs that you might. If you think of the saying "it's too good to be true", that's when the fear starts. We all fear losing people we love however it's not something we as nons dwell on.

Grieving the loss of a relationship is a healthy thing to do. Otherwise you are still emotionally attached. Emotionally unavailable. A pwBPD is by nature emotionally unavailable since childhood. I will also venture to say there are plenty of nons who are equally emotionally unavailable since childhood. It is my unprofessional opinion that the difference in nons and pwBPD in this is the recovery time once this realization is reached. Reaching this realization in itself is difficult enough for non disordered people. That difficulty can be severely magnified when there is mental illness.

[Moonie75]

So they 'might' grieve our abandonment, even though they don't appear to grieve the relationship (like we non's do) ?

It is my unprofessional opinion that the difference in nons and pwBPD in this is the recovery time once this realization is reached. Reaching this realization in itself is difficult enough for non disordered people. That difficulty can be severely magnified when there is mental illness.

Suzn,

I really don't mean to be testing or seem dumb, but realization of what?

I don't understand what you're trying to explain. Are you saying they realize something before we do, or their illness slows/stops them realizing something?

[Moonie75]

She didn't leave before I would. I left her, because i suspected she was lining a romance up with a neighbor, and was proved right soon as I'd gone!

[Suzn]

She didn't leave before I would. I left her, because i suspected she was lining a romance up with a neighbor, and was proved right soon as I'd gone!

Look at your statement Moonie. Who left first?

I really don't mean to be testing or seem dumb, but realization of what?

I don't think you are testing or seem dumb. The realization of being emotionally unavailable. 

[Moonie75]

Have I got this right?

You're saying they don't grieve the end of the relationship because they can't? That this is because they are emotionally unavailable?

That does make sense because in the past, she has left the relationship at times when I needed some emotional support from my partner. Examples- death of my best friend, loss of a job, needing someone to just sit & listen. Guess you're also saying if they sense we need emotional support & they know they can't deliver it, they run to a new source fearing we'll leave them for not delivering?

Or have I got that all jumbled up?

[Suzn]

You're saying they don't grieve the end of the relationship because they can't?

Grieving a relationship requires some coping skills, healthy coping skills I should say. Lining up a new partner prior to leaving a relationship leaves little to no room/time emotionally for grief. It is "covered up" by the distraction of someone else instead.

That this is because they are emotionally unavailable?

Yes.

That does make sense because in the past, she has left the relationship at times when I needed some emotional support from my partner. Examples- death of my best friend, loss of a job, needing someone to just sit & listen. Guess you're also saying if they sense we need emotional support & they know they can't deliver it, they run to a new source fearing we'll leave them for not delivering?

The examples you speak of here could be emotionally stressful and triggering for a pwBPD. I wouldn't say they run because they can't deliver emotional support, I would say a pwBPD would run from overwhelming emotional situations. My ex could sit and listen, she also offered comfort at times when I was stressed. She didn't always run, there were times she could deliver emotional support. It wouldn't be accurate to say every time I needed support it was overwhelming to her. We all have different triggers. And with those there are other variables that can come into play.

[eeyore]

they know they can't deliver it, they run to a new source fearing we'll leave them for not delivering?

They many times know they aren't capable.  While they may want to be supportive they aren't composed of the human elements necessary that the rest of us have.  Out of fear that they know they aren't adequate as people they need to find someone else that doesn't need them and makes them feel good or not stressed by life.  It's total escapism.