NC for a year... do I invite dBPD Mom to my daughter's bat mitzvah?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

This month is a year since dBPD Mom and I last spoke.  Last August I had just rescued her from her most recent crisis.  The rescue consumed two years, cost me ~$30k, destroyed my relationship with my uncle/aunt and cousins, and drained me emotionally.

Not speaking for a year has reduced my stress level incredibly. I wish I had realized sooner that NC could have such a  positive difference on my well being.

I have two daughters, 15 and 12.  They were never very close with dBPD mom.  But she always recognized their birthdays, special events, etc. But dBPD mom has not picked up the phone in a year to contact her grandchildren.  No birthday cards, no birthday calls, nothing. 

When my grandmother was alive (my dBPD mother's uBPD mother) and mom and I were not speaking after a week or two grandma would hand me the phone so dBPD mom could scream at me for 15-30 minutes or so about not respecting her, very much like I had heard uBPD grandma do to dBPD mom many times, and then the NC would be over.

My youngest daughter's bat mitzvah is coming up in a little over 2 months.  dBPD mom was at my oldest daughter's bat mitzvah 2 years ago. This is a very important event. 

Do I send dBPD mom an invitation?   

[screechowl]

This month is a year since dBPD Mom and I last spoke.  Last August I had just rescued her from her most recent crisis.  The rescue consumed two years, cost me ~$30k, destroyed my relationship with my uncle/aunt and cousins, and drained me emotionally.

Not speaking for a year has reduced my stress level incredibly. I wish I had realized sooner that NC could have such a  positive difference on my well being.

I have two daughters, 15 and 12.  They were never very close with dBPD mom.  But she always recognized their birthdays, special events, etc. But dBPD mom has not picked up the phone in a year to contact her grandchildren.  No birthday cards, no birthday calls, nothing. 

When my grandmother was alive (my dBPD mother's uBPD mother) and mom and I were not speaking after a week or two grandma would hand me the phone so dBPD mom could scream at me for 15-30 minutes or so about not respecting her, very much like I had heard uBPD grandma do to dBPD mom many times, and then the NC would be over.

My youngest daughter's bat mitzvah is coming up in a little over 2 months.  dBPD mom was at my oldest daughter's bat mitzvah 2 years ago. This is a very important event. 

Do I send dBPD mom an invitation?   

[Bella Storm]

Hi screechowl,

It sounds like you have been through a lot with your mom and that it has cost you dearly (both emotionally and financially). The difficulty with the BPD disease is that no matter what decision you make, it will be the wrong one (either you don't invite her and she takes it out on you for not caring, or you do invite her and she turns the event into being all about her).

It sounds like she hasn't had contact with your daughters and that they weren't close when they had contact. A lot would depend on how much drama your mom would bring to the event. What was she like at the previous bar mitzvah? Big events like this are such that the expectation is that we won't exclude anyone, but your daughter also needs to have a wonderful experience (which might be sabotaged by your mom).

This must be a very difficult decision for you. I'll pray for you and hope that you will feel good about whatever decision you make.

Hugs

~Bella

[GeekyGirl]

Hi screechowl,

I can see your dilemma, and this is definitely a tough choice. What does your daughter say about inviting your mother? If your DD feels strongly that your mother should be invited, I'd invite her. If your daughter is ambivalent, you have a difficult decision to make.

If you choose to not invite your mother, I doubt anyone would question your decision. I'd imagine that not having her there would bring you some peace of mind. At the same time, if you choose to invite her, you might enlist a friend or other relative to "handle" her. I've used that tactic successfully--knowing that someone's there to back me up brings my stress level down significantly.

What does your gut tell you?

[screechowl]

What does your gut tell you?

My gut tells me to invite her.  But my wife tells me not to.  My daughter is ambivalent.

When I ask my sisters they say they don't want to be in the middle. 

At the last bat mitzvah she picked a fight with my uBPD father (they have been divorced for 30+ years but for her it has been 30 minutes).

My wife says that if I invite her I need to contact her now in an attempt to avoid her creating problems at the event.  My gut tells me that if I try contacting her now that may create more problems.  I am not sure why my gut is telling me that but it is.

I was reading about the upside down triangle and the 3 faces of victim after I posted yesterday.  It fits perfectly.  Just not sure how it helps me in this situation.

[nomom4me]

Hi Screetchowl.

Maybe you should go with your gut on this, especially as it's not important to your daughter and your mother has a history of making scenes at these events.  Sometimes I try to think in math when dealing with my mom and look at probability, her past behavior is the best indication of future behavior.  Easier said than done as we were raised by emotional manipulators.