Is devaluing conscious/intentional

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

i read somewhere that we are shocked at the end of a relationship but that BPDs have been having a different experience for a while. that they have been detaching and devaluing for some time.

Is this a conscious proccess for them or does it happen naturally. I got annoyed today imagining our relationship earlier today. I pictured me feeling all secure and comfortable and him thinking in his head that he knew he was going to leave so he was literally trying to pick out my flaws and so forth, whilst making everything seem fine on the surface.

probably doesnt matter either way, but im working on forgivness, and i think in order for me to actually forgive and not just say i forgive i want to know what im forgiving. I already forgive things that are unintentional, and everything that results from his inner pain- I have no more problems blaming him for those things, that are not his fault, but the things that still linger that im unable to not get pissed about are the things where he had a choice, not fight or flight responses, but literally thought processes where he decided to slowly detatch and then pull the rug out from under me when he was ready.

when these things pop into my head, and they usually do right when im just about to fall asleep, i start ruminating, and sleep is something id like to have back. So that was basically a rambling, long way to ask the question that was simply stated in my subjectline.

haha. hope everyones doing well. thanks for reading and hope for responses.

[Ittookthislong]

i read somewhere that we are shocked at the end of a relationship but that BPDs have been having a different experience for a while. that they have been detaching and devaluing for some time.

Is this a conscious proccess for them or does it happen naturally. I got annoyed today imagining our relationship earlier today. I pictured me feeling all secure and comfortable and him thinking in his head that he knew he was going to leave so he was literally trying to pick out my flaws and so forth, whilst making everything seem fine on the surface.

probably doesnt matter either way, but im working on forgivness, and i think in order for me to actually forgive and not just say i forgive i want to know what im forgiving. I already forgive things that are unintentional, and everything that results from his inner pain- I have no more problems blaming him for those things, that are not his fault, but the things that still linger that im unable to not get pissed about are the things where he had a choice, not fight or flight responses, but literally thought processes where he decided to slowly detatch and then pull the rug out from under me when he was ready.

when these things pop into my head, and they usually do right when im just about to fall asleep, i start ruminating, and sleep is something id like to have back. So that was basically a rambling, long way to ask the question that was simply stated in my subjectline.

haha. hope everyones doing well. thanks for reading and hope for responses.

[Moonie75]

The jury is out on this question for me, and it bothers me greatly!

When I was being devalued she really seemed to believe what she was saying & said it with total conviction!

But it also included events & situations being plucked out from ages ago with staggering displays of ability to remember the smallest details of events which had displeased her. Those events were then used as ammunition in the devalue of things I've done & added to the character assassination that the process included. It was always argued by me with rational replies to her views & often backed up with facts which she CONSCIOUSLY HEARD & IGNORED.

That then left me thinking, she seems to believe what she's saying totally. But when opposed with facts which pull her devaluation apart she consciously ignores & continues. So it could equally be conscious or subconscious because it presents itself as both!

[Moonie75]

At the end of the day it happens when they want out & often when they've fallen for someone else. They're not brave enough to be honest & sit us down & explain with empathy for breaking our hearts or saying sorry. So they NEED to devalue us to justify not giving us what they can't do honestly. They need to present a situation where it's not that they can't do it, it's that we don't deserve it. Thus getting them off the hook.

I always remember a friend of mine (no longer) had met someone else. He broke up with his gf & told me afterwards if she asked him if he'd met someone else (he had) he didn't want to lie to her... . But also couldn't face telling her the truth & seeing her eyes as she heard the horrible news.

So when he broke it off with her to prevent him having to go through something he wasn't man enough to do, he said "If you ask me if I've met someone else I'll get angry & offended"!

So it got him out of telling her he had, but he didn't have to lie & say he hadn't!

Diverting the truth of the matter. Kind of what BPD devaluing does but BPD does it with much more venom & gusto!

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf told me at the end of the relationship with her both times that she began to resent me the entire time. This is the same person that re-engaged me after 3 months NC, begging and crying and that she "wanted her man back"... . These words haunt me as i write them. Once the devalue phase started, there was no stopping it. It didnt matter what i said, or did or didnt do... . The outcome at the end was going to be the brutal discard. Both times she left me. Second time worse then the first. If they do this intentionally?... . Yes... . While in that phase. They unleash all that pain inside of them, onto you... . The person most intimate with them. Then they leave.

[Perfidy]

My experience is that the devaluation started from day one. It was alternating devaluation/idealization. Sarcasm that was really masked bitterness. Angry at the world and telling me about it. Started dragging me down from day one. By the end it was pure devaluation.

[laelle]

The devaluation is really about their hatred for themselves and your being "less than" for loving them.

Because you put up with their hit, they do not respect you, but they need you anyway to help keep their emotions under control.

They can not process their own shame and negative emotions, therefore they get projected outwards on to those closest to them.

You take the blame for all that is wrong with them... . except they see it as you.

[susanleona]

The oddest thing I remember is when my ex said to me that he would get himself a rabbit and name it "my name" male or female so he would always remember me.  It was at the beginning of our r/s - we were still in love and I found it odd that he was already thinking we would be history instead of looking forward to a great future together.

The devaluing then began, slowly... . but eventually it was there, almost as if he was compelled to it.

[Emelie Emelie]

Interesting Susanleona... . on our second date my BPDbf told me "It always ends well with me."  (I can personally assure you that's not true.  And so probably could one before me who attempted suicide.) 

In terms of devaluing us I don't think it's conscious or intentional.  It's about their fear of abandonment and engulfment and, I think, their unrealistic expectation that we're going to make it all better for them.  The devaluing stage in my rs was brutal.  But I don't think he was conscious of it with me or the others before me.  He had a lot of self awareness about his other behaviors; anger, jealousy, etc.  But not this one.  I think he is compelled to devalue because of his underlying issues.  I don't think he understands it.

[Ishenuts]

I always thought that when my uNPDexH decided I couldn't feed his need for N supply any longer, he was justified in looking elsewhere. But to make him feel better about breaking his marriage vows, because he always wanted to appear so moral, he had to make me out to be unworthy, the bad guy, the horrible mother, the cold fish, the fat bit%h, the gold digger, etc. Whether he did it intentionally or consciously, I don't know. I just know he felt it was all justified.

Sick F*ck!

[GreenMango]

The mind works in mysterious ways.  If you read from some of the Learning Center boards, like the Questions about BPD and BPD behavior, it has some clinical info on the psychology of behaviors that are pathological.

Like any relationship the beginning isn't a great gauge on reality.  Most couple idealized and are focused on the adrenaline of the initial bonding.  This doesn't last. 

Most relationships settle down and people realize their partner and themselves have differences.  You work through them or accept them and forge ahead.

If the person has BPD there is going to be some black and white thinking.  We all do it from time to time.  With a person with this disorder its pervasive and will impact relationships.  When a person with BPD struggles emotionally with the intimacy of the relationship it will illicit the response the person normally falls back to.  And because thereafter little grey and emotional reasoning usually takes the lead you start to see the hostility that is inherent when someone struggles with the disorder. 

Think of person not having an emotional stoplight or one that malfunctions regularly.   It let's all kinds of emotional traffic through at once.

If a person has BPD this was going on long before you entered the picture.  It's personal in the sense that you were there.  The wild behavior and mood shifts aren't so much about you as much as they are about the disorder.

[dancinginthelight]

Moonie75

At the end of the day it happens when they want out & often when they've fallen for someone else. They're not brave enough to be honest & sit us down & explain with empathy for breaking our hearts or saying sorry. So they NEED to devalue us to justify not giving us what they can't do honestly. They need to present a situation where it's not that they can't do it, it's that we don't deserve it. Thus getting them off the hook.

I always remember a friend of mine (no longer) had met someone else. He broke up with his gf & told me afterwards if she asked him if he'd met someone else (he had) he didn't want to lie to her... . But also couldn't face telling her the truth & seeing her eyes as she heard the horrible news.

So when he broke it off with her to prevent him having to go through something he wasn't man enough to do, he said "If you ask me if I've met someone else I'll get angry & offended"!

So it got him out of telling her he had, but he didn't have to lie & say he hadn't!

Diverting the truth of the matter. Kind of what BPD devaluing does but BPD does it with much more venom & gusto!




Listening to the Eagles track "lyin eyes" while reading your post.  Wow, just wow, your post

has explained everything loud and clear.  word for word.  now i understand my ex.

thank you