still thinking about him so much more than I'd like to

[caughtnreleased]

It's been a few months (I've stopped counting) NC now, and I still think about him.   I feel that the fact that it's NC is actually making it harder for me to move on, as I just focus on the amazing unique things about him.  I'm dating, and I may have met someone great that I really like  ... . we'll see what happens there, but I'm STILL thinking about my BPDex.  Last time I saw him and he asked when we would see eachother again, I told him I was always the one what was contacting him and I couldn't keep doing it. He promised (unsolicited promise) that he would call me. gave me a huge hug... . and never called.  And I just felt that I couldn't be the one to do all the work all the time. So we're NC only because he couldn't carry the ball when it went into his court.  I don't want to go into his court and pick it up for him. But I hate the NC. what to do!

[Emelie Emelie]

Try and be strong and stay no contact.  Every time I break it I get my heart broken all over again.  Concentrate on the new guy! 

[Learning_curve74]

unhooking, you already gave your BPDex a chance and he failed you. Why not give the new guy a fair chance?

As for your BPDex saying he'd call you, remember that you get what you pay for and words are cheap. Trust his actions, don't trust his words.

One surprising thing that has helped me is to come online here and read everybody else's problems and struggles every time I am tempted to break NC. Somehow it calms me down and reminds me why I am choosing to be NC.

[caughtnreleased]

Hi! Yes it's true. NC is probably the best thing under the circumstances, since it's either that or me picking up the ball for him.  I actually never did believe he would call me when he made that promise, but I also didn't believe he would go NC for this long.  For a while I was afraid he would recycle, but when I never heard from him I was just left wondering and trying to make sense of it. It just makes me sad. I don't want to recycle with him, but I am left with wanting some kind of LC with him.  I learned a lot from him.   NC just feels dramatic, as opposed to LC. 

I guess maybe to let things go we need to make sense of things in our minds, and I'm having difficulty making sense of his dropping of the face of the earth (he is alive and well in the virtual world though).  And as much BPD makes no sense, I feel it would be easier if I knew why he is doing it. Engulfment? anger? shame? I'm ok with it all, it's just having no clue, no feedback, as if everything I experienced with him actually only happenned in my mind.

I would love to concentrate on the new guy, who actually seems really great, and who I like, unfortunately he's out of town for five weeks so I guess I'm getting antsy.   Thanks for the encouragement though.