How do you stay with someone when they tell you they hate you and don't love you

[longroad06]

Link to my intro post:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=207881.0;topicseen

Last night H went out with a divorced friend who is always telling him he needs to leave me. Friend probably doesn't get the entire truth but I can't help that. H came home at 445AM. Said he had left at 2 but got tired and pulled over to sleep. I don't know to believe it but ok. I was scared when he came in and ended up griping at him. He tells me he felt it was the "right thing to do" even after I told him just to stay at his friends house. He said he had told me he was coming home and that he felt he needed to.

This morning I woke him up at 745 as I had hired people to come help with the house since he has not (moved, have a new baby, need help as he hasn't been taking care of her.) He asks for 15 minutes. I tell him I really need to get in the room he is sleeping in to clean. He says just give me 15 mins. Instead of doing that I hand him the baby and get to doing what I needed to do. I go back to get her and he sits there and does nothing. I failed again about arguing with him.

Later he comes downstairs and is just nasty. "When can I expect you to leave?" "I want you out of my life, why can't you just file and get out?" "How much money are you going to take me for?" ":)o you even love me?" I reply yes but I didn't respect him or the way he has been treating me. I asked him he same question and he said no. I don't love you and want you out of my life. He also keeps telling me I need to stop spending "his" money. He told me I was not to go to more counseling since we are having today out of pocket. He griped at me for going to lunch with a friend as well. Keep in mind we have spent tens of thousands getting him out of debt, before he got the high paying job.

After his tirade this morning, he goes to get breakfast and asks if I want anything. And comes in to lay on the bed and snooze as I am feeding my daughter. Is this "I hate you don't leave me?" Or is he really just trying to be nice but still hates me?

How do you not just give them what they want? I've just started implementing boundaries, but I was already at the end of my rope and have seen a lawyer. I'm about ready to file but need a more clear cut plan. I don't have one yet other than enjoying the time with my daughter before I have to go back to work. He is also mocking me for that as, at one point, I wanted to stay home with her. He says "guess you don't get to be a stay at home mom now do you? I always knew you were a gold digger anyhow."

Ouch. I've been walking away and telling him I won't talk to him when he speaks to me that way but that doesn't mean I am not confused and hurt by it. He has yet to tell his family that he wants to sign his rights away and leave. Usually they are the only people who can get through to him. Right now he's going to someone who will "side" with him (divorced friend.)

Back on topic: why not just give them what they want?

[longroad06]

And just found out that a "friend" of his has offered him steroids, or a connection to his dealer to get some. I don't think he will really go through with it, but I am extremely concerned if he does.

Right now all I have is an email. I'm afraid he will do this while I am gone seeing family in VA and that is only going to make his aggression worse.

I have no idea what to do. Confronting him will make him think I snooped when, in reality, he left the email up for the world to see. Not doing anything and I am afraid I put my daughter at risk. Having just paid off his $$,$$$ motorcycle and purchased a house, we have little to nothing left in savings. I have not yet returned to work so am not bringing in a paycheck.

Once again, I feel so lost. I will not tolerate them in the house but if he is sneaky, I have no idea how I'd find out until it was too late :-(

[Southern_Belle]

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. 

The first priority for you should be the welfare of your baby! I'm sure you know that, though. Any decision you make, you must think about how it will affect her in the future.

What kind of connection do you have with your family? Could they be of any help to you? How about his family?

If your family can help, sit down with them on your next visit and have them help you lay out plans for your next course of action. Can you live with them until you get everything together?

[atcrossroads]

I missed one thing - are you currently working?  So, you do have somewhat a plan in place to leave?  I think that's a good idea based on the cruel way he's treating you.  In my experience, things got worse not better once he split me black.  I started on staying, went to therapy, tried the tools, tried to get him help, eventually I had to make a decision, and I chose to leave.  Each situation with a BPD is different, but I do recommend you practice the tools and perhaps seek therapy to help you make your decision. 

[longroad06]

I am still out on maternity leave. I do have a (good) job but not currently receiving a paycheck. I have about 4k squirreled away but that will get eaten up fast with deposits on a new place. That and the retainer on the lawyer will be $3000 as long as he doesn't fight. I have credit cards as well, but most places do not allow you to put a deposit down etc with them. I haven't checked to see if the lawyer would take them.

My family will be in town soon but they live 1700 miles away. His family wouldn't believe me. This is their golden child. That said, I seriously doubt he has told them he wants to give up rights to his daughter. If I did they'd probably try to convince him to do something he didn't want to do, whether its stay in the relationship or not give up his rights. I will use the email with the steroid information as my ace in the hole as why he should not have visitation with her if it comes down to it.

I've been painted black a long time. Then, he sucks me back in, makes me feel guilty, puts me on a pedestal and the cycle starts over with everything going well until he pushes buttons and I react. Then, I am the horrible person, the nagging wife (he calls me a b**** every time he gets mad at me) etc.

I have to go back to work on the 16th. I will get a paycheck at the end of September. If I can just hold off until then and try not to set him off, and be around enough to where he's too scared to order anabolic steroids, I will be better off. Until then, he knows I am stuck and makes sure to tell me I am spending "his" money. He gets another paycheck Friday. I think I can take most of that and hide it as well. I am not concerned about paying anything other than minimums at the moment so that more cash is available. I guess worst case, if iave to get out, I can do a cash advance to get me by until I have paychecks coming in again.

Still feel as though I am swimming around in some giant black hole. I need a light to start shining through to light my path and I need it soon.

[momtara]

If he has BPD, this well could be 'i hate you, don't leave me.'  But it may not matter - if he's treating you like this, and if he's on drugs, etc., it's not a great situation unless he commits to changing it.

You can give him what he wants, as long as you can live that way and it's not dangerous.  There are plenty of people here making the decision to stay with their spouses thru the bad times to get to the good times.

You have to consider the long road of divorce and whether you are prepared.  He may get good visitation time with your daughter.  He may lie about you in court.  You can document everything and do ok, but you have to realize that there will be days when he may have her alone, if that's what he wants. 

You could always wait until she's a bit older, unless you are at a breaking point.

Do you think he's a danger to you or your daughter, or is it just getting impossible to suffer through his black periods anymore?

One of my kids is an infant, so I understand where you are. 

Where I am, many lawyers take credit cards.  I got some cards that allow you to hold off paying the balance for 15 months with no interest, so I am paying $75 a month on one and about $30 on the other.  Still, it is expensive and I'll have to pay eventually.

You just have to consider a lot and think about everything.

[SadWifeofBPD]

That said, I seriously doubt he has told them he wants to give up rights to his daughter

Do you want this?  I wouldn't do because then he wouldn't have to pay child support.  You're going to need to pay for child care and other pricey child-related expenses, so I wouldn't let him off the hook... . besides, the child support amount would be substantial if he's earning a lot. 

It sounds like he wouldn't want visitation, so you'd get your money.  Even if he then threatened to demand a lot of visitation, I'd bet that his threats would be hollow.  Seen this before many times.  These types do NOT want the hassle of baby-care.

As for a divorce attorney, if your H earns a lot more than you, than the court can order that he'll have to pay your atty bills (I've been thru that, although we cancelled the proceedings). 

Does your state have legal separation?  If so, you might consider that with an order of child support. 


BTW... . document EVERYTHING. Keep a diary with dates.   Also, if you live in a state or place that permits "one sided" recordings, do so!   Most states allow.  I used my iPad to record using Evernote.  Saved a bunch.  Once my H and his attorney knew that I had over 200 recordings of him being inappropriate (including voice mails on my phone), H knew that the judge would not be kind to him (I live in a state that allows you to file  "divorce with cause, Marital Cruelty, and Alcoholism). 

Also, if your H does leave nasty phone messages, then on your smart phone download the app that has visual voicemail and the one that lets you forward any nasty voicemails to your email acct.  Also, be sure that your H doesn't know your email passwords or the answers to questions to retrieve a password.

[longroad06]

Do you think he's a danger to you or your daughter, or is it just getting impossible to suffer through his black periods anymore?

He has said when he looks at me he has extremely violent thoughts. He rages. He has gotten in my face before. I'm scared to death now only because of the steroids.

As far as giving him what he wants - that's giving him a divorce and him never seeing me again. The thing about this state is that you can receive child support even when the fathers rights are terminated. He has said if I ask for child support he will not sign his rights away. If it comes to it, I want to use the long list of speeding tickets, the fact he takes (and lied to get) prescription sleeping pills, and the new steroid use to block him from seeing her. If she's still young and he takes an ambien at night, how would he be able to care for he is asleep?and what if he is on steroids and she triggers him to go off? The thought scares me.

I'm working on a plan. For the next few days. Am going with my daughter and staying at her godfathers house in another city. After that, my dad and his wife will be in town. Then I leave with them on the 5th to go visit. He has said he is staying elsewhere when they come here. Why he can't do that now is beyond me.

I've got too go tell him we are packing up to leave. Hopefully he takes it well. He was demanding to spend time with my daughter yesterday... . I guess since she finally smiled at him he now wants to mess with her.

[longroad06]

Journaling... .

I went to another city to visit friends. I admit, I don't trust him as in the past he has had emotional affairs and some questionable behavior while married. I watched where he went one day by tracking his phone. He went to a VERY questionable massage parlor... . like one where you google them and reviews of the girls show up. I couldn't stand it. I called him out.

He was quiet, then started in on me saying he didn't do anything he regrets, he didn't go there but to get a cheap massage. Well, I said he was there an hour. He said he wasn't. Later he said it was based on a recommendation and he went because one hour massages were cheap. Doesn't add up. He freaked out. calling me all day. I had enough and told him I needed space and to let me be. Heer first did. I had to return home yesterday as my daughter got her first shots today :-( He was wearing his ring, wanting to help with her, wanting to make dinner etc. I was polite but distant. Today I mention going out of town again via a text. I still need space after the massage parlor incident. He replies asking why. I didnt reply and 5 mins later hes calling. He asked if it was something he did. I said no I just needed space and have a lot of friends there. He flipped. He switched between Jekyll and hyde 4 or 5 times in one phone call before i could tell him I had to go and hung up.

He went from talking about "us" and "our" house to demonizing me saying I was just going to spend all his money and leave him.

Its really the last thing I need today. My daughter woke up earlier screaming :-( Im now holding her and typing one handed. I am definitely not putting up with his crap later when he is home.

[atcrossroads]

Ugh, this situation is just so horrible (and so familiar).  I am so sorry and having no kids can just not imagine going though the cruelty and craziness with a baby.

Do you have a place to go TONIGHT if he rages and goes off?

Take care of yourself and please continue the updates.  With my husband, the more he got wind of my dissatisfaction and detachment from him, the crazier he got (as I was split black).  Just awful.

Stay safe.   

[longroad06]

I don't have anywhere here I can go except to a hotel. I have a grandmother an hour away, but showing up last minute and shed start asking questions I am not ready to answer for family just yet.

He was nice enough last night. Same as the night before. This morning, I mention that they are supposed to deliver a safe we bought a while back. I told him I was not going to be here to take delivery and pay the balance. He could make the decision as to what he wanted to do. I also mention that we are going back to the other town 2+ hours away. My kiddo is doing a lot better this morning so I made the call to leave again.

He went nuts.

I told him if he wanted to talk I would have a rational conversation with him but if he started in on me I was going back in the bedroom with my daughter.

He starts talking again telling me how I have made him so miserable, how I am a horrible person etc etc. He demanded to see a personal credit card I have. I told him no. He demanded I get rid of it. I told him no. I said it was not his responsibility to pay for it. He said I was spending all his money and then just going to leave him. I asked why he thought that. He gave some pretty asinine reasons. He said I was just making a case to "take [my daughter] away." I mentioned that he was the one who said he would give her up. He said "well yes but you are making me out to be a monster. You just want my money."

Keep in mind when we were married, he hid over 100k worth of debt from me. Student loans, unpaid speeding tickets, unpaid credit cards etc. we have, to date, paid over 35k just to get caught up, get rid of warrants for unpaid speeding tickets and 20k of back taxes. When we were married, I was making more than he was as he wasn't on commission yet. Once he did get on commission, his income jumped significantly but until then, he couldn't do it alone. He refuses to acknowledge that. He keeps trying to scare me into thinking I can't so it alone on my salary. Sure it's not as much as he makes but it is definitely a sizable amount, and a lot more than he w making at my age. I would be more than fine on it and was fine on a lot leas before he came along. So I am not sure where he is getting that I care about his money. It's nice to have but it's not the be all end all.

Back to our conversation. He kept going and going. I had enough, told him I was going to eat my breakfast (I usually don't get to sit and eat because my kid is usually up) and then I was going back into the room with my daughter. He kept going while I ate but I ignored him. Got up, put my plate away and walked off.

My dad is going to be in town on Saturday with his wife. Initially my husband was going to stay elsewhere. Me, he is not. I only mention this as if he stayed elsewhere, he wouldn't see our daughter until I got back from visiting with them on the 13th.

heres another kicker - in his rant he accused me of only caring about our daughter and not him. I don't think he likes the fact he is no longer #1. She can't help it though, and he's going to have to put on some big boy pants and deal with it.

He is still claiming the he just got a cheap massage. Is funny how wide his eyes get when he mentions it. At the very least, the girls at this place do topless massages.

He is still claiming I'm the only one that needs counseling and all his issues were financial irresponsibility and speeding tickets. Nothing else.

I'm getting better each passing day on just ignoring him and doing my own thing. While I am codependent, I am working on it as well and have found that as long as I have friends around, I am more than happy and don't think about him as much. When I go back to work, I will have work then the kiddo and won't have time for his rants. On weekends, I can go visit my grandmother or head back to the town where I have friends. While I don't want to do that every weekend, if he starts crap I know I have places I can go.

Just more journaling. My kiddo is back to her happy self this morning so I am in a much better mood. Just need to get moving and get the truck packed so that we can go.

I other news, Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes are back. It means fall is just around the corner and my absolute favorite time of year is almost here. I am so happy about this I can't even explain it. It means pumpkins, and picking out Halloween costumes, pumpkin spice lattes and cooler weather. Leaves changing back "home" where my family lives. My daughters first Christmas, Thanksgiving with family and awesome smelling Yankee candles. I will forever be a kid around this time of year.

[longroad06]

Please excuse spelling errors. I am usually typing on my tablet or phone and don't catch them.