Need some hope

[Our abuse recovery guide]

New to this board and searching for some answers.  Lost a son to BPD 5 years ago and have just came to the realization that my daughter-in-law from another son has BPD.  Have not been allowed to see or talk to that son for over a year.  Walking on eggshells and trying to figure out what I can do and how to do it so I can see my son and granddaughter.

[Soey]

New to this board and searching for some answers.  Lost a son to BPD 5 years ago and have just came to the realization that my daughter-in-law from another son has BPD.  Have not been allowed to see or talk to that son for over a year.  Walking on eggshells and trying to figure out what I can do and how to do it so I can see my son and granddaughter.

[pessim-optimist]

 

Hi Soey,

I am glad that you have found us. I am so sorry for your loss... .

You are now in a painful spot once again... . It is a good thing to have outside support system when we are dealing with a family member who has BPD. This site has many members who are familiar with the struggles that you are going through, so you are in the right place to share, grieve, and also find hope and good resources for your situation.

I have an adult step-daughter with BPD (3 grandkids), and we were cut off from her for almost 1.5 years. It was a sad time, we missed her and the kids tremendously. And as we slowly worked through the grief, we were also able to start learning more about BPD and learn the tools and skills that can make our communication with our daughter more effective and less explosive. We were able to reconnect with her since, and the relationship seems to be improving.

Feel free to share more of your story. And in the meantime, if you feel up to it, here is a link you can check out about some things that may help you in the future in the relationship with your son and daughter-in-law:

Coping when a Family Member has BPD Lessons/Survivor's Guide to Childhood Abuse

I feel your pain, Soey. 

Yet, there is hope indeed! Are you taking care of your emotional needs during this time? Were you able to read some books that have helped you heal your pain a bit?

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Soey,

Welcome!   I'm so sorry for your loss, and sorry that you're now going through some tough times with your other son and DIL.

As pessim-optimist said, you're not alone here. Many of us have relatives with BPD and know how painful it is when someone you love is affected by the disorder. There are some good tools here that you can use to take care of yourself and work on your relationship with your son and DIL.

As much as this hurts, you've come to the right place for information and support. Stick around and we'll help you through this. 

-GG

[Soey]

Thank you of you who replied to my plea!  I did view the videos which seemed to help.  It is so nice to finally find someone who truly understands.  I felt as though I was going crazy.  Yes, I am taking care of myself.  I speak with a therapist who has been awesome.  After my son died, we thought it would be a good idea to move near one of our children.  I now know it was a bad decision to make when we were grieving.  I could have never seen what we were walking into.  My husband could se the manipulation, but thought it would help me to be close to our other son.  My daughter-in-law has said that she is jealous of the relationship my son had with me.  Years ago they went to counseling and the counselor felt my daughter-in-law was controlling.  She ended the counseling, because she wanted it to be my son's fault. 

She hasn't talked to her father, step-mother, or sister for over a year and my husband or me, our daughter, or son-in-law.

We believe because we stopped giving. paying bills, etc.  Our son talks if we catch him on the phone or send a text.   Sometimes I get a really nice text back, then hours later receive a horrible text out of nowhere.  So I have just stopped to protect myself.  Sorry for rambling!

[pessim-optimist]

It's good to get it out... .  

How long has your son been married? How was your r/s (relationship) with your DIL (daughter-in-law) before she cut you off? Do you think there might be something to go off of in the future?

She does seem to be pretty isolated at this point... . In my experience, girls in particular do tend to re-connect, expecially if/when they are in need or have an emergency of some kind... .

[Soey]

They lived together 7 years and have been married 5 years.  I thought we had a very close relationship.  When we moved here I worked for her, went to their church and we  did everything together.  Then I decided I needed to get my own life~~got my own job, my own church and my own friends.  My daughter was in with her family and we were all going on vacation with my DL's family.  My kids always teased me about not being a good cook and the night before we left my son said he lived on cookies growing up.  I sad that wasn't true and I must have been a bad mother.  He left and her manipulation began.  We went on vacation and all stayed in the same house with nobody talking to us.  Until that point my son had never been upset with me.   DL told others that we received a big insurance policy from son who died and gave our daughter money, but gave them money and made them pay it back.  There was not an insurance policy at all.  DL called us many times for money to start businesses or get them out of debt. 

[pessim-optimist]

Hm, sometimes it takes several years to be 'split' from 'all good' to 'all bad'

I am trying to understand: do you mean that you think that your DIL was able to persuade your son also that you are 'not so good'?

[Soey]

I believe my DIL has tried to make my husband look like the enemies.  I don't know if it is wishful thinking or not, but I believe that my son knows us better.  I don't know if I am doing the right thing or not, but I do not want to talk bad about her to son so we just stay away.

We were invited to our granddaughter's graduation party then DL called and un invited us because she said she didn't talk it over with our son.  Said she would call me back, but never did.  I just dropped a card and money gift at granddaughter's work.  It's just things like that.  Very painful.  I just want to be able to have a relationship with all of them if I can and know how to do that.

[pessim-optimist]

I have no fast and easy answers, Soey.

But I think that your instinct to not talk badly about your DIL to you rson is correct. She is his wife and he loves her. It would hurt his feelings and also put a wedge between you and your son, if you badmouthed her. However, if in the future he would come to you, and shared some of his concerns and observations, and asked your advice, you could gently give him some wise input. By then, you will probably know a lot about BPD and could become his resource and support system.

On the note of your DIL dis-inviting you and never getting back to you with information: As time goes on, you might be able to strengthen your r/s with your son, and then it would be easier to speak to him directly and let them work it out.

I do have experience with my step-daughter playing the go-between and basically separating people off from each other and then controlling the relationships and playing one off of the other by telling lies. That I think can only be circumvented when we create a bond with the other person in the r/s and do not let the pwBPD triangulate.

Very painful.  I just want to be able to have a relationship with all of them if I can and know how to do that.

I know, it is very, very painful. 

The information on BPD says that if we learn the communication tools to be more effective with the pwBPD, and gain more of their trust, they relax more and we have a better chance of closer r/s with the other family members. It has been my experience, and I can only encourage you to keep learning, it's hard work, but worth it in the long run... .