existing, not living

[dancinginthelight]

Its bad enough having to adjust in getting over the pain from failed r/s, I can

learn to cope, but to have to deal with this intense anxiety, panic attacks, is just

overwhelming.  Cant cope, too much to bear...

What a complete mess.  My home is a prison, unable to interract with the world without

this terrible fear.

Managed to drag myself out this week to visit a counselor. Was a battle.  Had anxiety attack

on bus, and during the 50 minute consultation. She is someone to talk to and to try and find

ways to manage anxiety.

Felt exhausted after the appointment, mentally and physically drained.

Not sleeping well.  Maybe 2 hours at a time. Never throughout the night.

It is 3.50 am uk time here.  Have to wait until completely exhausted before taking to my bed

as I only end up having a panic attack in bed.

Not good I know. My body is a wreck and I look like crap.

No interest of ever having a normal life again. Truly truly done in and have to train my mind

to accept it just aint going to happen for me now.

This is not a pity thread and I Hope you folks wont judge me too much for what ive written.

Just expressing anguish.

sorry for the rant

[Emelie Emelie]

I am sorry for your anguish.  I understand.  Please try to take it just one day at a time.  Feel what you need to feel now and know that it's not forever.  The darkest hour is always just before the dawn.

[snappafcw]

Hi there.

First of all I'm sorry about your pain. I have been there. I think you are a lot braver and stronger than you think and seeing a therapist is a great first step. Things are really bad now but I assure you even though it may happen slowly they will get better. It's about being kind to yourself and understanding you do deserve to be loved and respected. Your self worth has taken a beating but I promise over time you won't base it on someone who is mentally ill... . I'm still struggling sometimes but things are a lot better. Be kind to yourself and godbless

[dancinginthelight]

Emelie Emelie, oh I do hope so, i will try to keep saying that. thank you.


snappafcw, I am beginning to think it is me who is mentally ill and that is

                the reason the r/s failed. the ex has been posting as such on other sites  :'(

[Ironmanrises]

Dancin,

I know the pain you feel. I have shut myself off from the outside world too. I was having anxiety attacks when the devaluation phase started with my ex. I know the pain feels like it will never end. The unfortunate aftermath of this. Know that your words are being read, even when people dont respond... . They are being read. I was a lurker for many months on here.


Ironmanfalls

[Hazelrah]

Dancing, don't apologize for ranting... . that's what this community is here for.

I'm so sorry for what you're feeling right now.  I can check off every symptom you referenced on my own list of horrors... . anxiety, panic attacks, feeling trapped in your home, not sleeping nearly enough to let your body recover its strength.  In regards to sleep, I've found myself doing exactly the same thing that you've been doing--i.e., staying up late just so I can pass out without having to deal with the ruminations in the dark.

There was a point a week or so ago where I didn't know if I could continue living each day like this... . but some days have started to feel a bit better than others, and I'll take any improvement I can.  If you just hang on and take good care of yourself, you will get through this.  

[snappafcw]

I don't think you are ill. I think you are unfortunately feeling the emotional trauma of what your relationship is. Right now you feel drained and need to put the focus back on you. What your ex is doing is quite common. It's called gaslighting she wants you to feel like the crazy one to take the focus off her own issues people with BPD can't take accountability. Don't by into this. I'm sure you are a kind person take baby steps and you will get your life back.

[Lady31]

Dancing - I think we PM'ed a few times in the past.  I totally understand regarding the panic/anxiety/agoraphobia.  I think I had told you before that I have suffered from that also at different points in my life.  (The EXTREME panic disorder that turns into agoraphobia, not the general anxiety some people have or an occasional panic attack.)  Depression goes hand in hand with it when you get to that state as it is so hard to function on any level.  When we spoke before, I don't think I was having the panic yet.  WELL - it started again.  I finally finalized my D last week.  I noticed the last few months it has started up again and it is difficult to function.  I am taking a month vacation down in South Beach and I leave next Sunday and I have dreaded the thought of having to make it on the plane over there.

This is what I have noticed for me.  My first set of panic disorder (that was not centered around a specific phobia - as I have had that since 2/3 years old that I can remember) was around 20 when I opened my first business and also was going through a major break up with my 1st real love/long term relationship.  That lasted a couple years where I was severely impaired on where I would go, could do, etc.  Then I came out of it totally for some years and it started again when I got engaged to be married at 28 and opened my 3rd business (with my H).  It was pretty bad for the 1st year or so and then I got over it and was traveling and functioning with no problem again and no thoughts or fears of the attacks.  Then, (now 33) it started again a few months ago after I filed for divorce and is a real struggle for me right now too.  It is HORRIBLE.  Some people think feeling general anxiety and having an occasional panic attack is bad - they have no concept of severe panic disorder & agoraphobia.

Here is something I will tell you - I know you feel very dark right now with no hope, but only YOU can decide to start pulling out of this hell.  NO ONE ELSE can do it for you.  I know that is the hardest to hear because in that state you can get so far down and deep into depression that it is hard to help yourself.  I think you mentioned before that you were unable to access that Attacking Anxiety & Depression site through the Midwest Center here in the states.  If you could order their program though, that would be awesome.  It is well worth the money.  Let me also say this - when it is that bad, it does not seem that it could get better and you could live a normal life without it terrorizing you - THAT IS FALSE.  I have gone through it a few times and come out on the other side.  I was so bad I woke up with them, had what I think doctors would call a nervous breakdown, couldn't walk outside, had them in my home daily, etc.  I think that is why this time I am not as hopeless or depressed, struggling with the panic and fear and restricted in doing things that is just HORRIBLE, BUT I know I can get through this as I have done it before.  YOU CAN TOO.  Also, you are NOT crazy.  Some of the thoughts seem so far out there and weird as well as the coping mechanisms you create to deal with the panic - probably wouldn't want to tell people the depth because it might actually sound crazy to others if you are like me.  BUT YOU ARE NOT CRAZY.  I have had those kind of thoughts and irrational fears and I know I am not nuts.  NOR ARE YOU.  This is not the same thing as a PD.

Here is what you have to do if you want to come out of this - I know FIRST HAND and I am currently working on it AGAIN myself.  (I think when you are prone to this type of anxiety problem, you may go through cycles with it if major life events happen that are extremely stressful, fearful or upsetting which is what has happed to me.)

FIRST - do an evaluation of your life and your day.  STOP feeding anything that makes you feel more down/depressed or fearful that you have control over.  That means stopping looking at anything regarding your ex that will constantly remind you of him, tell you what he is up to, or is saying about you.  Don't ask people you know that have information about him, and ask them NOT to tell you anything about him if they currently do that. Stop hanging around and talking to anyone that is draining and negative. Stop watching and listening to anything that stirs up fear or negativity. You get the idea.

NEXT - read as many books as you can get your hands on regarding this disorder and get that anxiety program I mentioned and start doing it if you can.  (BIG help!)

LAST - start feeding your soul LIFE AND PEACE!  ALL DAY, as much as you can!  THIS IS KEY WITH THIS DISORDER BECAUSE YOU FEED YOUR MIND SO MANY NEGATIVE, DEPRESSING, FEARFUL AND DEFEATING  THOUGHTS.  That’s what actually keeps it going and causes it to get worse.  Anyway, this is what I do:

Get uplifting, feel good music and also good praise and worship music and play in your car and home all day.  (I believe you mentioned being a Christian also, that is why I am saying this.)  Watch Christian television, for the first week or two you may want to ONLY watch Christian television.  This will pull you out of depression SO FAST.   Watch it EVERY day at least some.  You have to put light, peace and life in your ears and before your eyes constantly to battle the dark, fearful and negative thoughts that run wild through your mind all day.

If you get that anxiety program, it has a relaxation CD that helps you to train your body to relax.  This works very well.  I put it on my MP3 player and listen to it while I am out.  The more you practice this, the easier it is.  Now that I have listened to it for so long, when I play it my body automatically starts to relax.  It’s not hypnosis, but it triggers your body and mind to relax the more you practice it.

I am also working on making a CD of my own with fear scriptures read out loud.  There is POWER in the word of God.  I use to just quote them regularly and read them over and over again – I am going to start doing this for extra effect so I can be listening to them.  Fear is a spirit – FYI.  “For God did not give us a SPIRIT of fear, but power, love and a SOUND MIND.”  There is a lot to this.  Frankly, this is the most POWERFUL of the entire list.  Start studying and feed your body, soul (will/mind/emotions) & spirit the good stuff.  IT WORKS.  I have done it, and I am doing it now.  It will work for you.

Be blessed.  Be at peace.  Your life is an exciting journey – you have to choose to FIGHT.  GET UP AND FIGHT DANCING!

[Lady31]

Start dancing in the LIGHT.  

[Tessaking]

Hi dancin

I can totally empathise with how you feel. I am just over 1 year out of my relationship. He left and it was incredibly traumatic ... . Like every single story on here. The first six months, I was pretty sure I was going insane too. I shut myself away for 6 months, if I left the house I would have really bad anxiety and just wanted to run home where I felt safe and didn't HAVE to face reality.

I had a moment of coming out of my shell after 6 months, however I think it was forced because of the cries from everyone around me to 'move on'. Needless to say I went up but soon came back down again.

I used to say to my mum, I am just existing ... . I am not living. And I didn't know how I could change it.

All I can say is that one very lonely weekend, I completely broke down ... . I think I needed this to happen in order for me to kick myself into doing something about myself. Finally it was ME saying, I do not want to feel this way anymore. I reluctantly joined a gym where they do CrossFit classes (google it). I've never been into fitness, but it has opened up a whole new social group for me and now keeps me distracted from obsessing over my ex.

The point is... . It has to come from YOU only YOU know when it's time for you to move forward. And that time will come for you ... . I promise.

I am not 100% recovered, I still miss him and I still get sad at the thought of maybe never seeing him again in my life. However, life is a lot more bearable than it was before and doors are starting to one again.

Now I think ... . If I've come this far in just 1 year - just think where I'll be in 2 years etc etc.

It is like trying to ween yourself off an addiction - it does get better. But I'm sure we share the same feelings sometimes of just not wanting to let go of what we had.

To you and everyone else on here ... . I hope one day we get the closure we so desperately crave and are able to move on with our heads held high and a smile.

Keep going - it's like a child waiting for Xmas ... . It's an unbearable wait. But that day will come!

Xxx

[ucmeicu2]

This is not a pity thread and I Hope you folks wont judge me too much for what ive written.

Just expressing anguish.  sorry for the rant  

please don't apologize for the rant.  {{hugs}}  i relate to most, if not all, of what you wrote.  it may seem dim now but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

icu2  

[charred]

I have a little different take on this...

Lot of people deal with trauma by disconnecting from feelings, and avoiding situations that seem like they might be hurtful in some way. After a while that strategy for surviving bad times, robs you of good times. You fear taking any risks, keep people at a distance and avoid getting close to people.

A pwBPD will ignore your boundaries, get close and give you hope... then the flip side of their disorder instead can leave you devastated... it happened to me.

I have been hard on myself, thinking... I need to get over this, need to go to a bar, force myself to meet lots of people... . and then it is easy to talk myself out of doing it as that is a scary long way from where I am, recovering from the feeling of being bombed out after a war with my pwBPD.

So... dug in to BPD... learned a lot... including that most the time it is not all the pwBPD that has issues, that us "nons" have a lot of them too, in fact most people have some. So then dug in to attachment theory, learned it went back to being a little kid... and not being connected with parents very well... been a bit skitish ever since then. Glad I didn't stop then... because the question then is... . what do you do about it? Especially if it has been a long pattern. You don't feel like you are living, just existing. Emotions muted... stop yourself from having fun,etc...

Well, I don't think you build Rome in a day... but found an excellent start... mindfulness helps stay in the moment... not ruminate, not worry so much... but something else was needed and that is connecting to people. The attachment issue... is lack of connection and it is simpler than we make it. Found an excellent article... tried it and it works... have a bit of hope now.

www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/

Have a mindfulness bell app on my phone (free and useful)... . going to start reading above article about 3 times a day till its habit... try it.


Also SB suggested the writings, TED talk and so forth from Brene Brown. ":)aring Greatly" and her other works... . she has concentrated on answering question about living instead of just existing.

Good Luck