i think shes crashing again.

[qwaszx]

so today i talked to her i mentioned to her about getting something part time, as shes been really down for the last year, sounded like shes really stuck as far as money goes, but cant link that money will help get her out of the rut. so she wont feel so trapped.

shes started to get back up. doing small things, starting to take a little more care in herself, walks, getting up etc... she tells me shes not rushing anything anymore, she's done rushing thing, that she wants to take her time, so that this time she "gets it right", o.O hello, you haven’t done anything “wrong”… that she only wants to do small steps and go snail slow.(note shes been telling me this for over a year now, and has up until now stayed buried by her rut) that’s shes trying to find “balance”

i think she can do it, i think getting something part time that she might enjoy, getting her out of the house, getting her back into real life, getting out of her world would do her some good. i think it would help as a building block to making her life stable. it would give her life some sort of structure, and a bit of meaning... . i feel like right now this is the time to sorta push her forward, cheer her on... . start building something solid again.

im having a hard time not just telling her that your therapy is to help you learn those tools, but its not going to "fix" you. and i be believe she can get "better" but i think her expectations are really high for herself. i think that she feels like if i do all this work in therapy im going to never feel those negative feelings again. if i do all the stuff at home and i feel good at home, then when i go out in the real world again i will be able to tackle it, and personally i feel like she needs to be out in the world learning those tools as life throws those curve balls, you cant learn to hit the ball if the balls isnt being thrown... . i feel like if shes sitting in the safety of home, not doing more than everyday things, shes going to crash because she has no one around, and she will one day wake up and be like whats the point in me getting out of bed. i know for me if i had very little i wouldn’t get out of bed... i donno, I don’t understand what shes doing, but I don’t know what right for her either. To me that just seems logical. i guess it’s just a lot of fear on my part, but i could hear her leaving again today mentally.

Oh ya, and because I mention a job, im now disappointed in her. Arg, don’t put words in my mouth! Im not disappointed in her, I think right now shes doing really great. I think it that’s what shes able to do, I can respect that. I think it sound nice that she wants to try something different. hell im actually really excited for her to be where she is right now, yeah its a bit of the second step, but i dont care, its awesome... I’ve just learnt to trust what my guts telling me, and it says red flag, were losing this fast, she manipulating you. and shes not going to be able to maintain this little bit to long. It works best with short term goals.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MammaMia]

qwaszx

This sounds familiar.  My BPD son goes through the same pattern.   He tells me he is afraid:  Afraid to get a job he cannot keep because he has trouble concentrating and dealing with stress.  Afraid of being judged by others. Afraid he cannot get along with others.   Afraid he will fail.  Just afraid period.

He says he struggles to get through the everyday things at home.  It is exhausting for him mentally.  Some days are good and some days are not.

He is very intelligent and I have encouraged him to pursue work from home jobs.  Something with flexibility and not too much pressure or stress.  He agrees this might work if he does not have too much people contact.

Would this be an option for your wife or gf?

Yes they need the income and yes they need to improve their self respect, but can they do it?  I just do not know.

[qwaszx]

thats what i used to ask her "what are you so afraid of" and this time her answer was im not afraid of anything but rushing everything again. (her mom who she lives with now, has told her the past year she "rushes" life and thats why she falls) it not why, its because shes got a mental illness and shes only starting to learn about that(just got diagnosed, but i mentioned at 2 years ago, and we've talked about it, so its not super new) and shes not failing, she just hasn’t learnt all these skill yet to keep her moving. right now shes very black and white, so she either is perfect, or shes hit. which means she thinks if she starts feeling bad shes a failure:/ arg so frustrating... .

shes just a friend. we lived together for... . well up until this last year. when we lived together she held a job for 2 years(i covered a lot for her on down times and our boss was rather new to the seen. my friend was very dependent on me, and after a while it’s so hard, and i became dependent on her in a way, so we needed space. I was getting resentful) but she still held a job, there would be only 2 weeks when she couldn’t hold it together, after that i could slowly inch her back towards getting back to work. she'd start going just if i were there at first(because she was afraid of our boss, felt made fun of), then start going back to all her shifts, then everything would go back to normal, and she'd go all the time... . until the next big split.

i just feel like there are times when you can’t talk to her or push her or anything, but right now isnt one of those times, right now she can be pushed(very very softly, and if your super validating to where she is now and how she feels) and this is one of them. not a whole lot but its time to start building her up a bit, look at all the things she has done and overcome. understand where shes at and ask a little bit more... . and ya it first she hates me for pushing her, feels like im a huge ass hole, that i dont listen, that i dont love her as she is, blaha, blaha, but once shes past that afraid stage, she tells me how sorry she is that she was acting the way she was, and thanks me for getting her going again.

so this part to me is just her being afraid and manipulating me to feel sorry for her and how shes feeling (and i do a lot, i think its really sad how she sees herself but i know the only way out of a rut is to push forward. the only way to kinda make those feelings leave is to face them) and hell maybe im just impatient, and maybe she just isnt ready, or maybe im just good at being a blind fool and she can do it, she just doesn’t want to. shes been telling me this over a year, new year’s will be 2 years, so when will she be ready?  and no I can “make” her do anything but I can influence her to make healthier choices, cant i?

the doc's called her mom (cuz she was in the hospital a couple weeks ago) and told her she needs structure, a job would help give some structure. she isnt allowed to just sit around waiting to die any more.

[MammaMia]

qwaszx

You are a wonderfully good friend, and your pwBPD is very lucky to have you.

Yes, I hear the exact same words from my son... . don't rush me.  He wants to work but it has to be on his own terms.  The job situation today does not allow for one to be too demanding, so he says he has not found the right fit as yet.

He has had many jobs but can not sustain employment... . he always quits.  This is typical of BPD.

If your friend was recently hospitalized, she may need some additional time.  Do you know if it was a  BPD crisis, ie anxiety and/or depression?  Is she getting continued support via therapy or medication?

We all know how difficult this is for you.  Bpd is one of the most frustrating mental disorders out there.  Are you taking care of yourself?  It is obvious you care deeply for your friend but you must look out for yourself and your wellbeing

too.  She is not in control of her life, her illness is.  This is what makes the situation so difficult to deal with.  PwBPD look normal on the outside, but their brains are struggling to do even simple tasks.  They are often confused, angry, and withdrawn because of the internal struggles.

Please hang in there.  It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help.  Again, she is so fortunate to have you in  her life.  God bless you.

[qwaszx]

thank you:)

when she got out of the hospital she was really happy, thought thats what she need, to show herself that she can do things on her own and she doesnt have to always have someone to take care of her, she can do it herself. so thats really good. so ya she got placed in by her theapist, because shes just keeps dropping way to low(propably because her therapist thought she was going to kill herself). which is when they did a lot of questions and stuff with her and finially told her she had BPD(she had told her last therapist this, bring in the "i hate you dont leave me book" and her therapist responce, anyone can link themselves to any mental illness ) so lets just say its been really confusing for her.

she was started on meds again and is going once a week to therapy, until they can get her in to a DBT program. so ya i guess im jumping the gun a bit... ok maybe a lot. but i just think if she doesnt get out, she wont be able to feel, she'll just go numb again.

and thank you again.

[MammaMia]

qwaszx

Her journey is just beginning.  Please do not give up on her.  She is going to need your love and support.  It is excellent she will get DBT therapy.  So many places do not offer anything for BPD.  Her therapist's reaction is not unusual... . they do not want to diagnose BPD because it is so difficult and time-consuming to treat.  She really needs someone specializing in this disorder.

You take care of yourself along the way.  The road will be bumpy, but now that she has a diagnosis, hopefully, things will begin to fall into place for both of you.   By the way, we at BPDF are always here for you.  Please feel free to vent and/or ask for guidance.  We understand BPD and want to help.

Take care my friend.

[qwaszx]

thanks:)

i've vented about therapist before, because yes they offer her group DBT program, but not the whole intense DTB that she really needs. it'll have its challanges but im hear for her, and i dont plan on calling it quits:) she needs a team:) and community.

im working out the kinks in taking care of me, but im getting a better handle on it all, and where i need to be

you too