Do you think they actually know YOU at all?

[Undone123]

I'm there detatchment wise, I can safely say this now... . If I ever saw her again, I would be indifferent, bar the BPD episodes she is great, and after reading radical acceptence the only debate I have in my mind is "could I radically accept her?"... . Take the rough with the smooth. I know longer have rose tinted glasses on. The BPD is a part of her, and she is not just the person who mirrored and idealised me... . Anyway, just thinking... .

I don't think she actually "KNOWS" me? Her perception of me is pretty wrong and floored. We never spoke about my child hood, or how I became the person I am today, conversations always revolved around her. I feel like she knows me on a superficial level, not a deep one.

Anyone else feel like this?

[Saffron2]

I wish I was there detachment wise, but I can sure relate to the rest of this. I don't believe that my husband knows me at all. He may know my work ethic, my sense of humor, and the fact that I turn into a big kid at a carnival, but these are just superficial things that anyone would know. Anything deeper than that, I have told him without him ever asking.

Wonder what it feels like to have a partner who is genuinely interested in anything beyond the surface? I wouldn't even begin to know, and at nearly 40, trapped in a marriage to a narcissist, its not likely that I'll ever find out.

[Ishenuts]

And we don't really know them... . at least NPDs They are their false persona. We are 2 strangers... . coexisting.

[Bananas]

I don't usually post on this board since mine is an ex but I just wanted to say yes, I totally feel this way.  I rarely even got a "how are you" or "how was work today?".  I was so focused on him in the r/s that i didn't even notice it until it was over. 

[briefcase]

On this board "detachment" means something different than it does on the leaving board.  We don't aim for complete detachment here, we aim for healthy attachment as opposed to emotional enmeshment, which is where most of us are when we come here.  It sounds like your relationship has ended and you no longer see her anymore.  It sounds like you are doing well recovering from the relationship but maybe musing a little bit about it.   

Radical acceptance is largely about letting go of the ideal vision we harbor for our partners and our relationship.  Accepting the good with the bad, while continuing to work on our side of things.  It took me a long time to radically accept my wife.  I'd have a good stretch of time and then something would happen and it would feel like a complete catastrophe - like everything I did was for nothing and I was back at square one.  But, the truth is there will be good days and bad days.  You just take them as they come and roll with it. 

[Undone123]

sorry wrong board. Yes definitely musing, and detatched in the sense that I am no longer enmeshed.

[peas]

Love this question. And the answer is no, I don't think my exuBPDbf knew me that well (except his uncanny knowledge of my emotional weaknesses, heh heh). A couple months into the r/s I realized he never bothered to ask what were my parents' first names. He knew the basics about me, the city and state I was born, where I went to college, my profession. But I usually had to volunteer more detailed information about myself.

That's probably why he didn't want to be connected to me on Facebook. My profile was probably too personalized for him. That's one thing I noticed right away coming out of a BPD breakup: I wasn't a multi-dimensional person to him.

[Learning_curve74]

I guess this got moved over to Leaving board?

Anyhow, I thought this was an interesting subject. My BPD only had a one dimensional understanding of who I am, only a very shallow surface understanding. And it was only in the mirroring stage that she cared to try and know me. At the end it was only about her needs, nothing to do with me, I was just a tool. Nobody worries about knowing and understanding their hammer, they just know how to use it.

In retrospect this is understandable as her own outward personality (the kind interested engaging person) is a shallow construct meant to help her fit in the world. The hidden persona (the resentful and self-hating drunken ho) was also just as shallow. We tend to be limited in seeing and understanding other people if the filter of our own experiences is simplistic and shallow. She was like a three year old in an adult body, and her understanding of others was similarly undeveloped.

[Aussie0zborn]

Very good question. Mine only needed to know enough for me to slot into her fair tale "perfect man". Once I fitted into that role she didn't need to know anything else.  But then accused me of not being "open" like she was. Would sometimes ask me to tell her about myself when we were years into the relationship and she already should have known by this stage. Again, we spent most of the time talking about her.