Hello, confused here...

[Saffron2]

As I've mentioned here before, the two biggest problems I have with my husband are totally unacceptable behaviour and lying.

For some reason he decided to start telling the truth, so he called last night to tell me that he was going to be out for a little bit doing something totally effed up.

I took a deep breath, controlled myself, thanked him for being honest, then told him that we've talked about this many times, and the fact remains that I find the behavior offensive and highly inappropriate.

He listened for a moment, then turned himself into a victim, saying something like, "See, I lie and you cuss me

out. I tell the truth and you don't like it. I can't win no

matter what I do."


What  happened here, and how was I supposed to respond? Have any of you experienced this?

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[connect]

Saffron - I would also be interested in the answers you get to your question... .

I have had similar experiences. I know that some people have said that a way to get the truth is to make an agreement with them that they can be truthful and we won't get upset. BUT if the thing they are going to be truthful about is hurtful - then what? How can we agree to not be upset if we don't know what it is? Perhaps we are meant to not show we are upset? If I am upset then that's what I feel so it's hard to not show it and my bf can tell when I am pretending to be OK when I'm not.

My bf feels that telling the truth to me sometimes causes me to be upset, but he knows that lying does too. He will also say that he can't win.

Maybe it depends on how highly we value getting the truth over hearing things we don't like.

When I write that, I think that is not a good choice for us in a r/s... . mmm... . If their truth is something we don't like then that is not good for us. Thinking out loud here... . My bf being truthful may resolve my issues about him being economical with the truth / lying by ommission / outright lying but then what I hear forces me to face some facts that I really don't like sometimes and some things I can be in denial about.

Like you I can then inadvertantly "punish" him for his honesty by reacting in a way that causes him to feel attacked. He can be even less likely to tell the truth the next time. Lying seems to be quite common as a trait (from what I read here) Will be checking this post to see what others say!

[123Phoebe]

Hi Saffron,

I think it would be good to respond using your boundaries; let them do the talkin'.

If his behavior is totally unacceptable and effed up, talking about it rationally will not change it.  Sure he told the truth, okay, but what he told the truth about was unacceptable and inappropriate.  The fact that he told the truth doesn't make his behavior any better; they're two separate issues.  We know that, but he wants to turn it into being your issue.  So... .  

The question now becomes, 'what am I going to do about this'?

Do you have a boundary around this sort of behavior?

[eeyore]

yes this is when you have to dig deep in your heart and know what you can live with.  Is this something you can live with?  If it is how will you deal with it?  If you can't then how will you deal with it?

[briefcase]

I agree that the underlying behavior and his honesty about those behaviors are seperate issues.  I know logic has little to do with this, but he's basically saying that you should be ok with anything he does as long as he's honest with you about it.  It's an absurd expectation.

Honesty is only one value that informs your boundaries.  What other values are at play in connection with his behaviors? 

[Seashells]

I have struggled with this one as well.  IMHO it's F.O.G. at it's best.

In my case I said being lied to or having things hidden from me was totally unacceptable, as it denied me the ability to make informed decisions in my own best interests regarding the relationship if important things were being hidden from me. Among many other reasons for goodness sakes.  (And feeling a need to even have to explain this was frustrating to me).

I agreed to do my best to listen to any difficult "truth" calmly, and yet at the same time said, 'You have to realize this doesn't mean I'm going to promise there won't be consequences from whatever I am told.  I would not, and could not promise it won't cause me to take actions in my own best interests that you may not like. 

What else can you do?