The lies, endless lies.

[Zack]

Hi Family

I've had a bad day... . a really bad day today. Struggled with the NC. It's been 4 weeks of NC, although on one occasion during the four weeks my uBPDex fiancee sent a picture of her face to my mobile... . I've no idea why and up until a week ago I've had endless phone calls from private and unknown numbers.

She left the relationship 18 months ago for no apparent reason but during the last 18 months and up until recently we have spent time together, doing things couples do. I've thought a lot about those 18 months and one of the hardest parts for me to understand are the lies. I believe now that most of what she said were lies. She would lie about being ill, having to have an operation, her son having an operation, all lies, massive lies. She would lie about most things, trivial things.

I guess my question is do they know they're lying? surely they do!   

[Perfidy]

Can't say for sure what the lies are all about. My ex didn't lie whoppers like that. She lied about where she was a lot. Lied about who she was with. Lied about what she did but no huge fabrications. All in all she lived a total lie to me.

[Perfidy]

To answer your question she knew she was lying. She said she lied to me because she didn't want to hurt me. Kind of strange reasoning eh? Well... Thats BPD for ya.

[Lady31]

Yes, they of course know that they are lying.  And the "I didn't want to hurt you comments" are lies too.  If in their mind they are truly caring about whether they hurt you or not, then that would dictate their BEHAVIOR.  When they make this ridiculous comment, what they are really saying is that THEY didn't want to lose/be hurt in any way.  They do what they want to do with their actions because THEY are the ones they care about.  They don't tell you their actions so THEY don't lose you, look bad, or whatever.  All about them.

[DeRetour]

I caught my ex in a few lies throughout our relationship. More often, she withheld pertinent information. In the beginning of our relationship, she took a day trip with a "platonic" guy friend. That same evening, she met me for dinner and told me nothing about it. I found out through her Instagram, which, she hadn't shared with me before then. I confronted her about it. Her reasoning: "I didn't want to tell you, because you'd have a fit."  I personally consider this a lie. And she most definitely knew what she was doing.

[mitchell16]

its been my experience that yes, they know they lie. But that justfy it and that makes it ok. everytime mine lied to me, it was my fault. according to her. She was afraid to tell me the truth or she didnt want to hurt my feelings. Never mind that not doing the behavior would have been better at helping my feelings. What time she told me she couldnt tell me the truth about something becasue I would have left her. So i said otehr words just lie to me, to keep around and then do what you want behind my back. She didnt have any answer. So yes they know but the can rationlize it in their minds that makes it ok.

[topknot]

Lying to my face for no reason about crazy things. Omission of things, which to me equates to lying. And when caught and proof given of his lying, he would squirm like a fish in a net trying every which way to get out. You can't tell me someone reacts that way and doesn't know it's time to confess.

[Undone123]

Its the lies she told to other people about me that really annoys me... . I've been made out to be some psycho jealous ex and I definitely am not.

Mine mainly withheld information, or rewrote history so she was the victim.

[flgirl66]

Thanks to everyone on this site. Lies, Lies and more lies. I raised my daughters , we lived in the country they both had there own horse, girl scouts, cheerleading, baseball, friends and support. They was good kids never really had that many problems with them. Just normal things,, like cleaning there room. Taking care of there horse , cleaning stalls. They had drugs awareness in school and we always went to that. It wasn't until they was almost eighteen. My oldest daughter left without warning to move into a place after high school with a drug addict. She i will say never did drugs, on the other hand the youngest came home after graduating high school and she was pregnant . My husband at the time, we offer her a place to live so she could finish college, the baby would be taken care of from the ins company. She declined. She left with a drug addict (do you see a pattern) That is where it all started. Lies, Lies and more lies. The denial of there behavior and outrage towards me. I am just now learning about this as for twenty five years i have had nothing but abuse from the both of them. You start to question yourself because they get defensive over everything. And they think they behavior is just fine it is everyone else. There comes a time in ones life when you have to cut your loses and say if you don't it will take your life.

[fiddlestix]

My soon to be exBPDw once confessed, in one of her contrite moods, that it "excited her" to come home and lie to me about where she had been that evening.  The deceit gave her a rush.  I used to be able to detect her BS.  I guess toward the end I was so fried I could not always tell anymore.  Even when she was in a repenting cycle in which she promised to try to make things work out, she deceived me.  She would "confess" maybe 80% of what was going on in her dark life.  But she would not confess it all.  She would hold on to a few things for an escape plan.  Those things were other lovers (druggies and bad boys).  She could never come clean fully.  It got worse throughout our 25 years.  She has awareness of her darkness.  She recently told me that she "has no soul."  This woman is 47, has a Masters degree in marriage therapy (for real!), and three amazing kids with me.  And now she is hooked up with a new man 14 years younger than her.  Maybe he is "The One" she has craved?  Will she lie to him, too?  Will their relationship last?  I have good days and bad... . today is average... .

fiddlestix

[Moonie75]

NO it won't last Fiddlestix.

I'm convinced that as they monkey branch from one relationship to the next, they progressively gather more & more shame for crimes against their care giving partners from each relationship! In turn fueling their shame & feelings of being un-worthy of love and so worsening their behavior. I genuinely believe it can only go that way!

How can they act out less if they've gathered yet more guilt to hide? It just doesn't add up to go that way, it all points to getting worse mate!

[bettermentofsociety]

Zack, and all.  I know you are experiencing the same things I have.  LIES!  LIES! LIES!  I cannot, for the life of me understand why these BPD folks cannot see facts and be able to articulate them accurately!  I know they have brain chemistry and trauma issues and they are mentally ill, but it is soo difficult to understand from a logical perspective.  I know MI as I was married to a dBipolarexW for 15 years before meeting up with my uBPDexGF---It sucks to say the least!

I feel for you all as I am there as well.  My uBPDexGF is with a rich man now who can provide a lot for her, nice dinners, trips... etc.  She is just lapping it up I am sure. But she has already shown signs that she is not in 100% with him... . she posted on FB old pictures of her and I last week.  Weird.  ... . But perhaps she is just ruminating herself and it is wishful thinking on my behalf .  But I know she lies like no one I have ever met.  She can masterfully craft the best tales and make people (including me believe them).  She is so good that I doubted myself and still do to this day, even though I know she lies incessantly!  She is a true master liar!   

The only thing we all can do is let go and not worry about it.   I am one month NC and each day am tempted to call her and ask her how she is doing with her new BF.  I have not done it yet.  I know that even if we connect for a moment the lies will start.   NC is the only way, even though she has two kids that I am emotionally attached to and I miss soo much.  NC is better.

I believe we need to take action against BPD through education.

[fiddlestix]

Thanks Moonie!  I know the odds are stacked against my wife ever having a healthy,long-term relationship.  She does not seem to have the skill set: no tolerance for others' imperfections, no impulse control, moody... . O yea, and the sex addiction, lies, cheating, theft... .   I am no saint, but I think I am a good man.  My many friends agree.  I am fit, honest, educated, kind, non-violent, I play a mean guitar and sing well... . Yet my wife told me I "annoy her."  So my bruised ego tells me that the new guy (there were many guys while we were married whom she hid from me) she is now with might be so cool and suave that he won't annoy her.  Thus she won't have to act out and cheat on him because he will satisfy her every itch. I admit I WANT HER NEW RELATIONSHIP TO FAIL SOON because then I will know that it wasn't just me who drove her to her craziness.  I also realize that I am still making my happiness contingent on what she does!  I am still giving her power! What a mess I still am.  Well, they say after being with her for this long (25 + years) the toxin will take awhile to leach out... .   Thanks to you all on this site   I know you guys, and gals, get it. 

Fiddlestix

[ScotisGone74]

Fiddlestix, I understand your pain in this, especially after 25 years, sheesh I couldn't imagine,  but honestly let me ask you a question, what if her new relationship doesn't fail? who cares if it does or not ?  I was much like you after the trainwreck exBPD r/s ended and wanted the same thing, but honestly the further I got away from it the more I realized I didn't need any one else to validate what I already knew was the truth.  The constant lies, the manipulation, the rages, the just honestly getting giddy about getting any compliments from guys in front of me, the put downs to me, the constant Need for sex or someone to be at the beck and call, the constant mystery illnesses that popped up when she wasn't getting enough attention-    it was all there in front of me the entire time I just couldn't put it all together because I was under the assumption that this person constantly telling me they 'Loved' me meant it and of course it all didn't just pop out at once, but over a lengthy period of time.   If it does work out with her and Mr. Whoever do you want and need a Life of This?  Geez, 25 years is a long time to put up with all that, be happy you don't have to any longer. 

[Zack]

Scot

The illness... . gosh. The pretend illnesses when my uBPDex wasn't given enough attention. Toothaches, stomach upsets, hospitalisation, pretending to pass out and be diagnosed with diabetes (diabetes was never mentioned again after the incident)... . endless pretend illnesses... .